'Giving' baby to granny?

[Bestforbaby]

Bit of backstory: relationship breakdown, subsequent discovery of unplanned pregnancy which I have decided to keep. The father wants to be part of the baby's life when it arrives.

I am in London, and to carry on working in my field I need to stay in London. The father is also in London. I work fulltime, 8-7ish, plus some evenings and weekends. Giving up work/going part-time is not an option for financial reasons. I might be able to work from home a bit, but not sure yet.

I have been looking at London nurseries etc, fulltime care for the baby from about 12 weeks.

My parents live about 2 hours from London, and are retired. My mum offered yesterday to look after the baby fulltime during the week at their home. It is just too far for me to commute daily, I'd never see baby awake, and it would be nearly impossible for the father to have a relationship with the baby. Initially I thought she was mad, as I did not decide to keep the baby to never see it.

But then I thought maybe I am being selfish, and if the baby cannot have me 24/7, maybe it would be best to have my mum, rather than being one of many at a nursery. She was brilliant when I was little, and they have a big garden, parks nearby etc, and, most importantly, time. By being able to stay in a smaller flat and not paying childcare I'd be able to save up enough to do really nice things with the baby when we are together, whereas both living in London we are not going to have much (any) spare cash. Then when the baby is school-age the plan would be to come 'back' to London.

Just wondering if anyone had any experience of a similar situation, or bright ideas? I want to do the best I can for my baby (who doesn't?), and maybe that is not being with me at the moment

I think it sounds like a good idea. One of my friends did this and it worked well.

It's my understanding that babies need to feel loved and they need to feel safe. Your DM will meet those needs well. It will be far harder for you than the baby IMO.

Also, when I was young (60s/70s) this happened fairly often for various reasons. No one thought it was odd.

Have you thought about what kind of access the father may want? He may well go for every other weekend in which case your only going to see your baby 4 days a month (even if you did stay at your mums some nights midweek, baby will more than likely be asleep). You also say he may want to visit his family aboard with baby. For how long? How often? Would you really be happy with this? What if the father started another relationship and went for custody? You need to start thinking about these sort of things. You say your mum has said she could cope with a baby but not a toddler. They really aren't babies for long. What are you going to do for childcare once baby is a toddler (around 1st birthday). Have you thought about an au pair? Becoming a mum changes everything (even when you swear it won't). Be prepared to feel totally different about things this time next year. And remember that money isn't everything, happiness and health are (neither of which need money, at least in the uk).

I find it sad that women just criticise other woman's choices. The OP has asked for opinions on a fairly reasonable option. She hasn't asked people to judge her on having a baby, working long hours etc etc etc. in the end we all try to do our best and no one way is better. I know it is a generalisation but you rarely hear men criticising another mans decision to work full time or long hours when there is a child. Lets all just support each other. Perhaps in this economic climate women can't just give up very well paid jobs especially in the South.

OP, your proposed arrangement works for millions of families in the world. No reason it shouldn't for you too, assuming your mum is still in fine health and able to cope with the demands of a tiny baby. However, I do think that you may find this harder to cope with than you think at the moment. The birth and newborn phase is quite a weird and primal time.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Absolutely agree, itwillgetbettersoon. I've been quite surprised about some of the non constructive comments.

I agree with the poster who asked exactly how family friendly IS your employer? I'm thinking of situations that will arise like episodes of sickness that your mum could suffer. Nothing serious - just flu / virus or whatever, where she is unable to care for your child? Or even something like a heavy cold - would you expect someone of her age to carry on lookin after a small child while feeling ill or would you be able to take leave at very short notice to go and get your child from her house?

Sounds like you're thinking it out well, OP, best of luck.

Sounds desperately hard tbh. You won't see your baby other than at weekends, your parents will essentially rear him or her. What if you disafree with them on some things,will they listen to your view? Will you be able to take the role of mother at weekends or will your mother ,deliberately or not, be unable to relinquish that role?

When your ready to take child back,how will that affect the child and your parents?

Think I'd be considering either nursery or child minder in your home.

As someone who has tried desperately (and mostly failed) to help a few children with severe attachment problems due to not having a consistent caregiver, I can assure you it is NOT rubbish.

However there's no reason it needs to be the mother. The grandmother would be just fine.

Regarding the attachment thing, I agree that the grandmother could well be a good person for baby to form an attachment with (any grandfather on the scene op?), but what concerns me is what happens in a year or so when op work changes / grandmother can no longer do it / child starts school etc? Everyone seems to be talking about how the op / grandmother will feel but what about the baby / child?

A child with a secure attachment to one person can usually transition to another easily, especially when that person is already well known to them.

I think it sounds like a good compromise. I have left my daughters at my mums for two weeks at a time from they were very small- no lasting damage and they adore their granny and Granda.

If your parents have the baby all week and the father will presumably want at least one day at the weekend that really doesn't give you much time with baby.

Could you and the father both do a 4 day week so he can provide childcare say Friday and give the baby back to you Saturday, you have Monday off, catching up the work Friday night/sat morning and then your mum only has to do tue-thurs. if you stayed at your mums on Mon night and did an extra long commute that is one less sleepless night.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I don't see anything wrong with this but you will miss her terribly! Also maybe consider nanny at he ESP if father is paying half, this would take stress of drop off and pick up and she could do things for you around house to save you time at weekends?