'Giving' baby to granny?

[Bestforbaby]

Bit of backstory: relationship breakdown, subsequent discovery of unplanned pregnancy which I have decided to keep. The father wants to be part of the baby's life when it arrives.

I am in London, and to carry on working in my field I need to stay in London. The father is also in London. I work fulltime, 8-7ish, plus some evenings and weekends. Giving up work/going part-time is not an option for financial reasons. I might be able to work from home a bit, but not sure yet.

I have been looking at London nurseries etc, fulltime care for the baby from about 12 weeks.

My parents live about 2 hours from London, and are retired. My mum offered yesterday to look after the baby fulltime during the week at their home. It is just too far for me to commute daily, I'd never see baby awake, and it would be nearly impossible for the father to have a relationship with the baby. Initially I thought she was mad, as I did not decide to keep the baby to never see it.

But then I thought maybe I am being selfish, and if the baby cannot have me 24/7, maybe it would be best to have my mum, rather than being one of many at a nursery. She was brilliant when I was little, and they have a big garden, parks nearby etc, and, most importantly, time. By being able to stay in a smaller flat and not paying childcare I'd be able to save up enough to do really nice things with the baby when we are together, whereas both living in London we are not going to have much (any) spare cash. Then when the baby is school-age the plan would be to come 'back' to London.

Just wondering if anyone had any experience of a similar situation, or bright ideas? I want to do the best I can for my baby (who doesn't?), and maybe that is not being with me at the moment

"Sociable" isn't really a consideration for a baby though - socialising with other children is of no importance to an infant.

Just another opinion on nursery - my son started at eight months and still loves it two years later. Any later with him and I suspect he'd have been terribly anxious - but it was easy (for him). I would go for a childminder for cheapness, but there are advantages to nursery too.

And don't panic too much about what you'll do when he's at school - there's plenty of time for plans to change before then. The next year is key.

OP, I feel so strongly about this. You have the chance at a fulfilling and well paid career and a lovely family. Go with the option now that allows you ... and your baby ... the most choice in the future.

For me that means right now hanging on to that job, and seeing how it goes. If your mum is up for looking after the baby, go for it. I went back to work full time (very intensive city job) when my dd was six months old and I have never regretted it. My FIL looked after her, they had a marvellous time, and my dd adores me and him. There was no 'primary' carer in her mind, there was simply mummy, daddy, grandad and everyone else who loved her. I hardly saw her during the week but our weekends were absolutely fantastic.

If you find you miss your dd too much, fine, reduce your hours. If you find you hate working, fine, quit. If your mum's health or willingness deteriorates, fine, get a childminder. That did happen to me actually, my FIL became unable to cope with the physical exertions of a rampant 2 year old so I made new arrangements! But at least this way you have chosen based on the reality of your work / life balance, not your (possibly inaccurate) perception of how it will be. And worst case, you've eked out a few more months of employment which could stand you in good stead later on when you are able to go back to work.

I've hot some practical points but I will post this now before I lose it all!

Here are some practical points from my own experience:

• I do think nurseries are great but for under ones they can be a bit of a germ fest. Personally for very little ones I would go for family first, nanny if affordable, childminder if not, then nursery as last resort. I have absolutely nothing against nurseries but my dd was registered in one for about a month (pre my FIL looking after her) and we had to take her out several times with coughs and colds, which was a nightmare. For the littlies I think 1:1 care is best if poss
• set your mum up with Skype etc and carve out two slots every single day to see your dd. not ideal but needs must.
• I second the remote and part time working ideas of you think they would work for you.

Finally please remember that every aspect if this situation will change over time... Your baby will get older , you'll get paid more (possibly less, hopefully not!), your relationship with your baby's father may change, your mum's health may change, your views on work may change... Everything. Do not feel as if the decision you make now has to stay fixed forever. Try and work out what the next six to twelve months holds, and plan for that. You can and will deal with the rest when the time comes. Good luck OP.

Sorry for that essay! I did warn you I felt strongly!

I can't see the point of planning to only see your child at weekends. Is that what you're proposing? That you live somewhere else in the week while someone else raises your child for you 24/7, 5 days a week?

Why do you want this baby?

I'm not sure nurseries will even be open long enough for you to work 8am -7pm.

I think the best option would be to have your mum come down to London 2 days a week, and find a childminder/nanny for the other three. That way, you will be there for the baby during the night, and they will grow up knowing where "home" is, and still see you as their primary carer.

itsallaboutyoubaby - the point is she is already pregnant, and trying to make the best of balancing work (ie earning a living) and childcare.

I can see she's already pregnant, lynette.

And the pregnancy was unplanned.

You asked why she wanted the baby.

The OP clearly wants to do what's best for her baby. What do you suggest?

Yes, I asked why she wanted the baby. And???

I personally think as a lone parent it is not practical or reasonable to work 8am - 7pm plus some evenings and weekends. When do you actually imagine you will see your baby or spend time with it if you do this? Mother's offer is hugely generous - and I can't honestly think that you will see any less of your baby than you will do by finding London childcare for these hours.

Not wanting to hijack the thread with childish bickering, itsallaboutyoubaby I'll let the OP answer why she wants the baby, /didn't want to terminate the pregnancy.

Your post of Wed 31-Jul-13 21:42:25, seemed rather harsh to me. Not everyone has the luxury of taking a years maternity leave, having a live in partner etc.

Some people just have to make the best of a situation, which the OP is obviously trying to do by exploring all possibilities.

Then let the OP answer and stop bickering lynette

Presumably the OP's mother, although she's over 60, still has a life of her own, friends, a house to take care of, other commitments? In what way is it reasonable to expect her to uproot herself and come and stay in her daughter's flat in London, alone?! I am amazed that people keep suggesting this as if it would be OK. Having a baby is not a crisis or emergency for which you can ask other people to give up their whole lives.

OP - I brought this point up at lunchtime but I think it's worth repeating - I think you are underestimating how hard this will be for your parents. Small babies are knackering, really, really knackering. Therefore if you can come to an arrangement that takes the load off your mother than that's what you need to go for.

I'm 10 years younger than OP's mother, in good health and lead an active life. However, the thought of giving (almost) full time care to a baby/toddler - with the added bonus of disturbed nights - well, I'm really not sure how I'd manage.

eccentrixa ...I can't speak for why other people have suggested that OPs Mum coming down would be a good idea, but my own reason is based on two related factors

1. mum has suggested having the baby 24/7 with OP only visiting at weekends
2. in making the suggestion, she places herself fairly firmly (IMHO) in the 'highly supportive parent' category.

Given the above, it would be an easier load on Mum to stay with OP for part weeks ....no night care ....not her fulltime responsibility, and she achieves total break when at her own home.

Why should she be expected to, regardless? I can only say that there is a third, less definable, factor.....I doubt that OP has 'expected' at all, but will know her own mum, and is probably just really glad she has a Mum who gives unquestioning backup when it matters most. My DD's know that I would do absolutely anything required to help them out, in a situation of this kind, and I am sure many other GPs would do the same (even if they took a deep breath in before offering!)

eccentrica .... my apology for previous typo!

Haven't read the whole thread but callingI have to say, of all the things that should go here, it's the job requiring 8-7 working. And I say that as someone who loves their job. Give yourself and your baby more space to live than that. Not fair maybe, but then life isn't.

Excellent post by weary tiger.

No. Attachment theory is a valid psychological theory. Popular understanding of it might be shit but that's not the same thing.

Is attachment disorder a load of rubbish too then, TAD? Because how does that happen if attachment theory isn't real?