Waves is determined to keep winning now that Acrobat has arrived.

[wavesandsmiles]

So, Acrobat did actually arrive (only just) on the last thread. And he is here and lovely!

Links to previous threads:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1670597-So-DH-said

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1745551-DH-said-DH-left-waves-is-still-being-sick-but-into-the-third-timester

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1801734-Waves-is-winning-Here-comes-the-Acrobat

Banged my head last night felt absolutely fine then and this morning but realise now may have sustained some injury because must be hallucinating.

waves whatever has run through your mind please let it keep running.

Quite apart from what he has inflicted on you remember the destruction he left in his wake. I know you always think of DS1 & DD; it would shake your older children's faith in what passes for normal decent loving behaviour.

Shakes Waves by the shoulders.

It's the relief of getting over what was a truly horrendous time - HG, twunt, lodgers, money.

Now it's beginning to look better - Caspian here, HG over, job prospects looking up, your Mum being uncharacteristically helpful. It's almost like you have just woken up and realised it was all a bad dream after all, and you can go to the way it was.

Twunt was a complete bastard to you when you were at your very lowest, and always will be. You KNOW that he is emotionally different to normal people, you KNOW that he sadistically enjoys sucking you to him, only for him to hurt to again.

Remember the e-mails - he boasted to his friends that he married you for your money, calling you a tattooed hippy, and relishing the fact that your DC's dad wasn't around. How DARE he cynically worm his way into yours and your DC's life, only to leave you in a matter of months.

He was having an affair, within months of you being married.

He claimed you weren't really ill - that you were being a drama llama, and he left you, ill, with no money, and having to take lodgers in to make ends meet.

And that I do love him , perhaps more for being fallible, and not being the perfect Prince Charming. But this is crazy isn't it?!

Fallible is the understatement of the year. Waves honey, I honestly think you are suffering from some sort of Stockholm syndrome.

And apologies for typos - to frustrated to type

I understand - its hard to be a single parent. But he was so cruel to you & would be again. Remember the emails he wrote about you.

Waves. You don't love him, because you don't KNOW him. You still love the old facade. You are denying the real him; you are downplaying it with rose-tinted hindsight, probably because you're still in early motherhood hormone stage.

He is not "so much more human" - he is a cruel subhuman bastard!!

Think about this. You have had a narrow escape from the "man" who wanted you to kill Caspian (Yes I've bolded it for effect). He has lost power over you, can you possibly imagine how much power you will be handing back to him if you go crawling back to him now? And how he will gloat and abuse that power over you forever more?? And you will never be able to get away again because he won't let you. He will erode and undermine you at every turn until you don't believe you can exist without him (you're still showing signs of this).

You owe it to your three children to stay away from this toxic waste of space, PARTICULARLY the older two. Do you really think Twunt will play happy daddy with them now he has another child of his own (even though he tried to get rid of Caspian before he was even born)?

Waves, you need to get over this mental block you have about the idiot.

And in answer to your question "this is crazy, isn't it?!" - YES IT IS CRAZY!!

Please please please please go and sign up for the Freedom program before this gets any worse. You are slipping back into your old patterns and you cannot afford to do that. You have done so well! Why would you want to go back to being that desperately-seeking-approval person who will accept any old form of "love" because you need it so much?

STAY AWAY FROM THE EVIL TWUNT.

oh love, its not easy. Its hard, but you are fine! Re read, take on board what has been said and remember that you CAN and ARE doing this.

Yes - you have been playing with your self destruct button. stop it!

Caspian or Twunt?

It really is that simple because if you had chosen him before you would have aborted your beautiful, scrumptious, adorable Caspian.

Don't chose him this time.

I think, as Beryl says, it is a bit of a feeling that I've woken up from a bad dream.... I feel like a different person to what I was with the hyperemesis. And all the associated awfulness. And he is being so nice and just hanging out together reminds me of Before. And as much as the hyperemesis seems like a bad dream, so does everything he said and did. And the shell of a person I became. And yes, I am thinking that I must have been awful to be around. Just lying in bed, unable to bear noise or cooking smells or anything. And the person he married disappeared. Now I'm back. Only like a new improved me.

I don't want to let my children down. Or myself.

Oh, am thinking also that the 5 hour interview job may not be the dream after all. I can certainly do the work and the challenge and prospects are amazing. But the expectation is minimum 50 hours a week and fairly frequent travel of up to a week at a time. I don't want to lose the time with any of my children. That's why I stopped the studying in law... Work life balance etc. I mean, just to facilitate that job is need an au pair at least, and would barely see my children in the week. I'm really good at what I do professionally, I am learning to be able to say and accept that, but I adore being a mum, and I don't want to compromise that too much. The thought of 10/12 hour days and travel away reminds me of a song from my teenage years, I think ugly kid joe? Cats in the cradle was the title. Anyway, I have another interview Monday so maybe that will be a better "compromise ".

So so much to think about and so many decisions to make. I will be able to distract myself in a few weeks when I've the challenge of stripping wall paper and removing flooring so I can progress house renovations Never one to stop...

when you were very VERY ILL - that was the part in the wedding vows "In sickness and in health" he can cope with health but not sickness. What you saw and dealt with during one of the most awful periods of your life was him.

When he should have been doing everything possible to help you, your DC and make your life better he didnt. He went out of his way to call you a bitch, allow his boys to cause havoc and numerous other things.

THAT was the real him, it was you being ill, not a awful person or a pain in the arse to live with - ILLNESS! God forbid you ever had anything worse (although HE is hideous and makes you very ill, giving birth 'fixes it') Im not belittling HE at all, just that its not permanent... anyway, something debilitating or life threatening ie cancer could pop into your life and he would be off like a shot.

Oh waves, please realise my lovely, this twunt is not a nice person. He only wants your money, your house - cocklodger. He doesnt want to contribute financially, emotionally or spiritually to your life.

waves:

"And yes, I am thinking that I must have been awful to be around. Just lying in bed, unable to bear noise or cooking smells or anything. And the person he married disappeared."

You were very, very ill!

And Twunt behaved like a spectacular twat and cunt. Which is why - remember - he is now called Twunt! If he had really loved you, andhad really loved or even considered his unborn child, he would have worried about you and cared for you and helped you and felt sorry for you.

But he didn't, did he?

Please, please, please don't start trying to romanticise him and your relationship. He is not a good man and the relationship would not be good for you, or for your children.

Waves, I have never posted on your thread before, but I felt compelled to when I read that you are thinking of getting back together with him.

Please read your first post. The post after the twunt had told you he regrets getting you pregnant. Close your eyes and imagine where you were when you wrote that post. What were you wearing? What was the weather like?

Then, once you are there - experience those feelings again. The gut wrenching pain, the confusion, the desperation and the helplessness. Remember how you felt.

Please listen to the advice of the people who have been helping and supporting you from word go. He doesn't love you and he doesn't love your little boy. He regrets him, remember? Regrets him.

Sending you lots of hugs.

You don't miss him Waves, you miss the IDEA of him. Don't do this to your children, please. What did DD say to you way back? "No more husbands please, mummy".
He will treat you like crap all over again.

Yes, he will do it again. Like the flick of a switch, he'll do it again. it will be worse next time - though tbf I find it hard to imagine a worse time than you have had these past months, when you were so low and desperately vulnerable.

I've heard some pretty awful stories in my lifetime but your threads at the beginning told a story of unimaginable suffering. I was aghast at what was happening to you. You were in total agony; mind, body, spirit.

He did that to you. He kicked you when you were so desperately low. And he kicked, and kicked and kicked again. He twisted the knife. This is who he really is.

Waves, you are making a grave error to consider going back with him. I think that what you have experienced at his hands thus far, as unimaginably bad as it was, will seem like small fry if you go back.

I have seen what people like this are capable of. Hence dire warnings. Please listen.

Why have you been seeing him?

First the job - it doesn't sound 'family friendly', so perhaps not for you just at this time. It sounds like there are opportunities presenting themselves to you now though, so take a bit of time to get something that will really work for you and your DC.

Waves - really, really don't go there with twunt. He was such a nasty, useless, manipulative shit to you, just when you needed him. He took joy in making your bad situation worse. He rubbished your children. TBH I can't believe you want him in your life or around your children at all, but please don't get back with him.

Pressing self destruct for yourself is, ultimately, your choice. But don't screw your DC up by having that excuse for a human back in their lives any more than he needs to be.

Just think too - he only wants the fun you. He doesn't want the real you, the real person who has bad days as well as good. What will happen if you get ill ever again, or when you get old? Will he be around for you, care for you? Will he fuck. He is bad news, and you know it.

He didn't sound as though he was treating your older children fairly evne when it was good - giving his a much more lenient set of rules (if any) and telling you how out of control your two lovely children were.

Is he paying fair childcare maintenance yet? Like properly formalised, so that you don't have to take him to court?

NO NO NO! you don't want him back he's a totally fucked up person who was a bastard to you in his own right and via his children! He wanted you to abort Murder your gorgeous Caspian! Why are you even seeing him, this pathetic excuse for a man who won't pay maintenance as you're breast feeding so baby needs nothing! This is wrong.

WHY are you "hanging out" with that toad of a man anyway?

Twunt is still texting ... Every day I learn more about his reputation and I feel a bit sick for falling for his lies. Some people really do have only one script it seems.

...

I had my biggest and final wobble re twunt, and kind of offered him a last chance to commit back to our relationship. He reiterated the "I'm confused" line, and I feel better now as I know that he really REALLY doesn't love me. Although he doesn't want a divorce confused. I do though, so once I have maintenance sorted and a job lined up, I will be taking steps to sort that out.

...

Mulling over twunt issues/thoughts too, and trying to work out what led me to that relationship. And the previous disastrous ones. I feel I need to understand that to move on and properly learn from it, and develop as a person if you understand?

Some of your quotes from the thread, Waves, from just a few weeks ago. Did you read 'Women Who Love Too Much' as themidwife recommended?

If I had to 'diagnose' what's led you back to the merry-go-round of feeling about your ex (as I shall choose to call him), it's because you know with the advent of one of these amazing jobs, your life is about to change for the better. (Although I agree that dream job is too much of a commitment for you at this stage). You are going to move away from him and the hostage situation of your marriage will end.

That is incredibly daunting and it is probably not surprising that it has led you to doubt yourself again. The co-dependent nature of the relationship means that on some level it feels more - comfortable? familiar? what-you-deserve?? - to stay than to go. Breaking free of a subtle manipulator is hard, particularly when you have a deep desire to be or be perceived to be kind, generous to a fault (and this is a fault), forgiving and loving. Perhaps that somehow by being the 'better person' you are showing how you have overcome your early life. But you haven't; the strong, amazing, force-of-nature Waves that you exhibit here on your thread is trying to break out of the cage made in real life by these loveless, faithless fuckers who've taught you to doubt yourself. And right now they're winning.

I find this Ted Talk on domestic violence incredibly powerful - and applicable to other kinds of abuse as well.

I am scared for you Waves.

I've made enough mistakes with rubbish relationships myself to write a book but always managed to get out because of one fundamental thing - the positive example of my parents' relationship.

Let me tell you a few things that any ordinary decent men who loves his wife and children does and doesn't do:

• Always arrange to look after the children / have others look after the children 24 hours a day when wife is sick in bed, including all cooking and cleaning and anything else that needs to be done (and without asking)

• Always take full responsibility for raising and supporting children generally including sharing childcare and doing the majority of childcare and housework when wife has a more demanding job

• Value every child and take equal responsibility for their conception and upbringing, including when unplanned

• Never, ever insult wife, swear at wife, hit wife, sulk or act passive aggressively towards wife

• Never let anyone else do any of the above - actively defend wife from unfair criticism by others

• Never sleep with other women or taunt wife about potentially doing so

• Frequently tell wife how wonderful she is

• Always look for a compromise or argue rationally in a disagreement - no shouting or throwing things

• Always lift and carry anything heavy if wife is pregnant or ill (and offer even when she isn't)

• Always share income and spend family money responsibly

• Bring wife a hot drink in bed every morning (this one is frankly beyond reasonable expectations and my dad just does it because he loves my mum)

• Never complain, sulk or get angry about doing normal, human things for someone you love

This is what a good man looks like and they do exist. Your exHusband is not a good man. Frankly, he is wicked, regardless of his consciousness and understanding of his own behaviour.

Do you really want to settle for someone like your Ex? Do you really think your children should settle for someone like your Ex as a father figure? Do you want your children to have no model of a positive relationship to inform their own later lives?

Just because he didn't hit you (like the woman in the Ted talk - I hope you watched it) it doesn't mean he isn't an abuser. I often say that my abuser was too clever to hit me, he knew it would be very clear evidence that he was an abuser. So he abused me in a myriad invisible ways.

Your ex is doing the same. One minute hot hot HOT, the next dark, prolonged cruelty and coldness. Now currently back to warm, going for hot. Etc Please waves get away from him. He is not a good man.

Hope we've not scared Waves off! And that her silence is because she's re-decorating whole house and NOT spending time with Twunt thinking we don't understand....he's changed, it was so difficult for him, etc.

But these words of warning will ring in her ears imo! and come back when she needs them.