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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"D" P cheated

108 replies

Aaargh70 · 23/07/2013 21:11

Hey,

I've been lurking for about a month, but I've finally stopped crying enough to write this.

As to not drip feed, we've been together for 9 years, living together for 6 years and have a 2.5 year old DS. Things were never on fire with us and even in the beginning I never felt the butterflies or had the urges to shag him senseless. Maybe that should have been an indication...

As soon as we conceived our son i just totally went off sex and after a difficult birth we haven't had sex since conception. I've never had a high sex drive but he was at least 2 a day kind of guy. Now he hasn't been pressuring me for sex and has said he's be more than happy with a cuddle on the sofa but I just can't be near him. He's done the whole weekend
Away, nice lingerie, massages, girly treats, complimenting me on my hated body image etc. we just seem like friends who care after our son.

He has one day off in the week so takes our son out and this is where he met up with an old friend and her child. They met up every week and began getting closer. He then told her about the no sex/intimacy etc and to give her credit she reacted how I would hope in that she said talk to her, reassure, make things less stressful, don't pressurise, let her have time to relax, take things slowly, get a babysitter etc. things then turned flirty and they have both developed feelings for each other and I'm devastated.

In my heart I know we were never right and if she makes him happy then at least he'll be happy as I have to admit I'm a nightmare to live with and I don't know if I'll ever be able to have sex with him again.

Now we've talked and started counselling but all I feel is numb. He says he doesn't know how he feels and whether he was only interested in her as she showed she'd like to be physical with him.

We're still sharing a house and playing happy families and it's killing me. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants him to fuck off with her but the other hates the thought that someone else can make him happy even though I don't want to.

Thanks for reading this rant!

OP posts:

bbqsummer · 23/07/2013 21:23

split as amicably as possible. let him go. get some cbt counselling for yourself

Flojobunny · 23/07/2013 21:26

Why exactly are you with him then?

Kaluki · 23/07/2013 21:29

It's over.
Do the decent thing and let him go.
Then get some counselling for yourself.

JustinBsMum · 23/07/2013 21:29

Is there a lot of unhappy history from your childhood perhaps? You seem to have completely lost your way OP and not know what you want to be happy.

Original poster

Aaargh70 · 23/07/2013 21:34

I guess I don't want to split as I'll have to admit I've failed at making it work and it's essentially my fault. Obviously it's his for cheating but if I could just kiss and cuddle him then he probably wouldn't have done it.

Guess I just don't want to be a 40 odd single mum. Not that there's anything wrong with being one, just I hate the thought of being alone even though I virtually am anyway.

I'm going for counselling too, I just don't know where to start. My parents are separated and I don't really get on that great with my mum.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 23/07/2013 21:40

let him go xx

ReindeerBollocks · 23/07/2013 21:43

This doesn't sound like a happy relationship for either of you.
Do you love him, or is it just that he would go to someone else that would upset you?

You could be happy apart, but you sound so miserable at the moment, you poor thing.

JustinBsMum · 23/07/2013 21:47

Well, perhaps you are influenced by your parents 'failure' to stay together and perhaps there was a lot of blame there, so you feel it is your fault that you haven't made it work.

On the other hand maybe you just married the wrong guy and it is no one's fault.

If that is the case you could tell him that and start an amicable split. There are lots of posters here who can confirm that being a single mum is not the end of the world.

themidwife · 23/07/2013 21:52

It sounds like he's spent the last 3+ years patiently showing you love & understanding & you've rejected him completely. You won't even hug or kiss him? That's very cruel. You need to let him go so he can have a normal loving relationship with someone else. I agree, psycho-sexual counselling/CBT might help you.

YoniRanger · 23/07/2013 21:57

I think you know that it would be cruel to stay married to a man that you not only won't have sex with but also won't have any intimacy with.

Original poster

Aaargh70 · 23/07/2013 22:04

I know it's cruel and I know that it's fine to be a single parent. I've never really ever been that interested in sex/intimacy and it was clearly wrong for us to get together especially considering his high sex drive.

OP posts:

themidwife · 23/07/2013 22:08

I don't think a man who hasn't had sex for over 3 years has a high sex drive! Do you?

Original poster

Aaargh70 · 23/07/2013 22:10

Haha, no but if I had of been up for it he'd like it daily. God knows how much we spend on tissues!

OP posts:

themidwife · 23/07/2013 22:12

Poor man!

LadyMilfordHaven · 23/07/2013 22:13

you havent had sex for 2.5 years?

themidwife · 23/07/2013 22:15

Lovemaking, hugs & kisses cannot be replaced by a wank into a tissue.

Can you imagine how your 2 y o would feel if no one ever hugged or kissed him or showed him affection?

Men aren't robots, they need love too.

cjel · 23/07/2013 22:16

I'm not sure that you leave him,
I know its unkind if he is a patient as you say but you have been together a long time and don't seem to hate him?
It is hard to stay together while you are so numb but then if you are numb why is it killing you - they contradict each other. I'd advise stay with the counselling this sounds like something it would be good for you to work on whether you are with him or not. are you afraid that the counselling will bring up things you don't want it to? is it easier to stay on your own than face them?

ShinyBlackShoes · 23/07/2013 22:21

I am a 40 odd single mum and can assure you it is far better to be on your own than in a poor and unfulfilling relationship; I would suggest it is probably better your your DC also.

cjel · 23/07/2013 22:24

Agree its better to be alone than in wrong relationship, but concerned that OP isn't living a fulfilled satisfying life because of problems she has and not with her relationship. Would hate that she spent all her life unfulfilled instead of getting the help she needs.

Original poster

Aaargh70 · 23/07/2013 22:29

That's the thing I was quite happy with the whole sex for over 3 years and a very rare hug/kiss. I know that probably means I'm cruel or strange but I don't get the need for them. I'm different with my son and shower him with love, just it's all different with him.

I know he's not happy and I think that he doesn't want to leave as he doesn't want to admit to everyone it wasn't working or admit to people he cheated.

I guess I just don't want to be alone even if it's just that we're friends it's at least another hand with the cooking, cleaning and childcare duties. I just wish he was happy with it but can clearly see why no one would be!

OP posts:

Dahlen · 23/07/2013 22:30

You actually sound significantly depressed to me - feeling numb yet emotional at the same time, unable to make a decision, loss of libido. If problems started just after conception, are you sure you didn't develop a touch of antenatal depression that was never picked up as PND because you didn't feel worse after the birth but before. Left untreated this could result in just this kind of apathy about life rather than absolute misery. I could be way off mark of course, but it's something to think about.

What else is going on in your life? What relationships do you have with friends? Do you have a job? Any hobbies or interests?

In all this talk about sex, you haven't once mentioned how you feel about him. Why is that? Is it because you've become totally hung up on the sex aspect? Or do you already know you don't love him? Or do you love him but think it's just not enough?

It's not exactly honest, but I'd use his affair as an excuse to say you need some time to think, during which you get some individual counselling, before you think about couples counselling - which is rarely appropriate in the aftermath of discovery anyway.

If, after all that, you still feel like this about him and the marriage, the kindest thing for you and for him is to part ways. You can still provide a fabulous upbringing for your child. You don't need to live together as parents to do that, you simply have to work as a team when it comes to your DS.

cjel · 23/07/2013 22:31

Perhaps h e doesn't wan to leave because he loves you not because he doesn't want to admit defeat?
I think if you are having counselling then whatever decision you make you will know its the right one!

Original poster

Aaargh70 · 23/07/2013 22:38

He says he doesn't know what he's thinking but hopes the counselling will help.

OP posts:

cjel · 23/07/2013 22:40

it will. one way or another it will help you both be be happy with the choices you make. I think this uncertain time is harder than living with the broken relationship.

specialsubject · 23/07/2013 22:44

you don't even want to be near him?

that's no relationship. Let him go and be 'just friends'.

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