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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"D" P cheated

108 replies

Aaargh70 · 23/07/2013 21:11

Hey,

I've been lurking for about a month, but I've finally stopped crying enough to write this.

As to not drip feed, we've been together for 9 years, living together for 6 years and have a 2.5 year old DS. Things were never on fire with us and even in the beginning I never felt the butterflies or had the urges to shag him senseless. Maybe that should have been an indication...

As soon as we conceived our son i just totally went off sex and after a difficult birth we haven't had sex since conception. I've never had a high sex drive but he was at least 2 a day kind of guy. Now he hasn't been pressuring me for sex and has said he's be more than happy with a cuddle on the sofa but I just can't be near him. He's done the whole weekend
Away, nice lingerie, massages, girly treats, complimenting me on my hated body image etc. we just seem like friends who care after our son.

He has one day off in the week so takes our son out and this is where he met up with an old friend and her child. They met up every week and began getting closer. He then told her about the no sex/intimacy etc and to give her credit she reacted how I would hope in that she said talk to her, reassure, make things less stressful, don't pressurise, let her have time to relax, take things slowly, get a babysitter etc. things then turned flirty and they have both developed feelings for each other and I'm devastated.

In my heart I know we were never right and if she makes him happy then at least he'll be happy as I have to admit I'm a nightmare to live with and I don't know if I'll ever be able to have sex with him again.

Now we've talked and started counselling but all I feel is numb. He says he doesn't know how he feels and whether he was only interested in her as she showed she'd like to be physical with him.

We're still sharing a house and playing happy families and it's killing me. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants him to fuck off with her but the other hates the thought that someone else can make him happy even though I don't want to.

Thanks for reading this rant!

OP posts:
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 23/07/2013 23:07

Let him go. He tried and tried and you basically, I'm afraid, pushed him away. Repeatedly and over years. I think you would be happier on your own and he needs and deserves someone who wants to be intimate with him (so do you, if you can sort your own issues out thru counselling).

Original poster
Aaargh70 · 24/07/2013 00:02

I'm fulfilled in other areas, work part time, like art, reading and have a few good friends. Thanks for listening and I'll have to see what counselling brings up.

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 24/07/2013 00:15

Have a plan about how you can co-parent your son and then let him go. It's not a good relationship model for your DS and it's making neither of you happy.

arsenaltilidie · 24/07/2013 00:20

Poor man..
You BOTH deserve to be happy

lessonsintightropes · 24/07/2013 00:33

Aaaargh70 whilst I think other posters could have been much kinder about the way they framed their advice, it sounds clear that there are much bigger issues that the affair here, and it's a really positive step you are approaching counselling. It doesn't sound as if he is a man who could make you happy, and it also sounds as if you are not the woman who can really make him happy either. Such a sad situation though and really feeling for you. Are you getting some support apart from counselling and MN? Do you have nice friends who can Dutch Uncle you when you need it and be sweet and supportive when you need that too? What about family? It sounds like you don't have much of a support network, unless I'm reading too much into this, and like a PP has suggested letting this go and being brilliant co-parents whilst you build your other areas of life up from fulfilling - to making you really happy.

themidwife · 24/07/2013 06:35

I agree - I don't think worrying about seeming to fail is stopping him leave - I'm sure he doesn't to lose his family.

It worries me that you say you just want someone to share housework & "child care duties" & nothing more. You seem to be really numb as another poster said. Did you have PND?

jchocchip · 24/07/2013 07:02

Hated body image? Living with a friend isn't so bad. Is ow with someone else? And is developing feelings the same as dtd?

Do you do much exercise? Random question. I don't think you should split yet, without working on the other things in your life, first.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 24/07/2013 07:16

I think you should see how the counselling goes, but I have a friend who sounds just like you :) She's happy, she doesn't need sex, hugs, kisses etc She separated from her DH because he did and she was making him unhappy. He has the children regularly (it varies from week to week to suit all involved) and they are all much happier.

If you do split, there is no need for anyone else to know about his friendship/relationship starting with this other woman before you split up is there? It sounds like he has really really tried to make it work with you, but that it's just not what you want.

Original poster
Aaargh70 · 24/07/2013 07:23

I tend to think I did have PND but never got it sorted and as my DS is my PFB I went really ott on getting everything right and trying to bring him up as best as we could. I do have strict rules, whereas DP is more relaxed so I think he sticks to them to not start an argument.

OW is apparently single and has been since pregnancy and her child is a few months younger than our son. He said that the OW said she loves him, loves all the affection/intimacy, makes her smile/feel safe and apparently the kids get on.

My family live 100ish miles away, so we only have MiL and FiL close. I do have a few close friends who I can chat with if necessary, but they'll probably be surprised as they think we're great together.

I probably don't get as much exercise as I could but I walk/cycle most places and the general looking after a toddler.

I hate how I look and won't let him see me naked. People still ask if I'm pregnant and I'm so ashamed. The OW clearly has a better body image as she's willing to strip off post child and I suppose my DP is confused as she will willingly and I won't.

He says he likes all the hugs, holding hands, kissing, BJs and spending time with her/them but doesn't know whether a relationship would work.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 24/07/2013 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Aaargh70 · 24/07/2013 07:30

That's the problem though, I am fulfilled. I do t need it in my life. We only ever had sex really to please him and to conceive. Even in the honeymoon period I wasn't that bothered by it.

I think I love the routine of everything and how secure I thought my life was at the moment.

OP posts:
jchocchip · 24/07/2013 07:45

Hmmm. He's getting intimacy elsewhere but is not sure if a relationship would work. What a muddle. Do you know old friend/ow? Id feel betrayed by her, myself...

Wowserz129 · 24/07/2013 07:47

If I am honest OP but it sounds like you have been just as selfish in this relationship as he has. It's very cruel that you won't even kiss or hug him, even for a person that doesn't feel the need to a little bit of effort in that department goes a long way. It really doesn't take much to give your partner a hug.

It sounds like your partner deserves to move on although I don't agree with his actions, it's not hugely surprising he has developed feelings for someone else if things are so unloving at home.

As do you though. You can't be happy with the situation and it sounds like use will both never be in a place that's happy together.

newbiefrugalgal · 24/07/2013 07:57

Hope counselling helps.
You can do it on your own, you are strong enough.
Two happy (separated) parents are better than sad frustrated resentful ones together! (Now off to listen to my own advice!!!)

Original poster
Aaargh70 · 24/07/2013 08:31

Oh I know and it's easy to follow the advice in theory it's just the putting it into practice. I've seen the OW in passing a couple of times but never really spoke to her. My partner is 11 years younger than me and she's about 5 years younger than him so it looks like he's trading in the 40 odd year old for the fresh faces, beautiful mid 20s woman. Can't say I blame him either.

She used to be his inturn and she moved away when she found a paying job and they only met by co-incidence when they both took the kids to soft play. Apparently she's got a high sex drive and misses all the intimacy so I can see why they'd have feelings for each other.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 24/07/2013 08:35

I reckon that you are getting a lot of emotional comfort from your son, therefore it's not that you don't need kisses and cuddles, just that you don't need them from your husband.

I think separation wouldn't be about failure. And it wouldn't just be about your husband's happiness. It could also be freeing you up to have the time and space you need, and the counselling you might want, to be in a position to find your own happiness.

Vivacia · 24/07/2013 08:37

Also, I wouldn't be comparing yourself to this woman. I don't think that there's any need to be bitter. It's not that she's younger, prettier, sexier that's the attraction, I think that it's because she's open and loving with him.

I really don't think anyone's to blame in this situation.

Lizzabadger · 24/07/2013 08:44

Just split. It will be better for everyone.

Jan45 · 24/07/2013 11:17

Yes split as soon as you can and get counselling because you are also entitled to a loving relationship with lots of sex, there's something not right there that is preventing you from having this and you don't want to be in the same situation with the next man.

JohnBoyWalton · 24/07/2013 11:30

Jan - there are people out there who, no matter who they are with, actually don't want a loving relationship with lots of sex. The OP may be entitled to one but I really don't think, from what she has posted, she wants that, and I'm not sure she'd be any different if she met someone else.

schmarn · 24/07/2013 11:39

I don't actually think this has anything to do with sex. You don't love him, plain and simple. It doesn't even sound as if you are best friends. You are honest enough to admit that the only reason you are now upset is that you don't like the idea of being on your own or of him being with someone else. That is not a good reason to carry on. Let him go.

This is one of those rare occasions where a cheating partner has some justification for falling for someone else. Of course he should have addressed it with you before allowing it to develop but the end product is the same - you don't love him, you never will and it will only damage both of you and your son to guilt him into staying with you.

cjel · 24/07/2013 11:59

I wanted to ask what is it about your situation that is killing you? is there a part of this that doesn't want him to go to her?do you just find the thought of physical contact awful? or dont you like his company at all?
I would have wondered if you would have been pleased that you now had your get out reason if you don't want to be with him? What do you dream of your life being like?

Jan45 · 24/07/2013 12:11

JBW: I disagree, she said in her post that there was never any passion or butterflies when they first met and that never changed. I would imagine this is because they were not suited and now this has become clear. Everyone is entitled to have a loving relationship and for me that includes sex, the two go together in my book. As the OP is no where near pensionable age I would suggest she explores her sexuality more as she is missing out on a lot of pleasure and a satisfying sex life. Of course, she may decide it wasn't him and she never wants sex again, her choice.

Original poster
Aaargh70 · 24/07/2013 12:21

Yes I suppose I'm gutted that I don't make him happy and that she does. I know it's my fault but at the moment he's not making it any easier as he's saying he does t know if the grass is greener. Obviously she'll give him the sex/intimacy but when that does down a bit he does t know if they have as much in common as we do. Him being so indecisive and regretting cheating confuses me.

Guess I don't like the thought of in a few months them being a happy little family whilst I'm on my own. No doubt given her age they'd at some point have a child and it's a terrie thought.

I want him to be happy and I want to fix myself, just it'll be hard.

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 24/07/2013 12:36

He is saying those things because ending a long-term relationship is terrifying. Neither he nor you can say how it will work out with the other one. It's not certain they'll have a child at all. They might date for 6 months and then realise there's no future. All three of you may be yet to meet the right person. But it certainly doesn't sound like you and your DP are with the right people at the moment.

Based on your age OP did you just have children with this man because the clock was ticking? That's a harsh and blunt question, but there's more going on here than new motherhood, it does sound like you were never that keen on him.