"D" P cheated

[Aaargh70]

Hey,

I've been lurking for about a month, but I've finally stopped crying enough to write this.

As to not drip feed, we've been together for 9 years, living together for 6 years and have a 2.5 year old DS. Things were never on fire with us and even in the beginning I never felt the butterflies or had the urges to shag him senseless. Maybe that should have been an indication...

As soon as we conceived our son i just totally went off sex and after a difficult birth we haven't had sex since conception. I've never had a high sex drive but he was at least 2 a day kind of guy. Now he hasn't been pressuring me for sex and has said he's be more than happy with a cuddle on the sofa but I just can't be near him. He's done the whole weekend
Away, nice lingerie, massages, girly treats, complimenting me on my hated body image etc. we just seem like friends who care after our son.

He has one day off in the week so takes our son out and this is where he met up with an old friend and her child. They met up every week and began getting closer. He then told her about the no sex/intimacy etc and to give her credit she reacted how I would hope in that she said talk to her, reassure, make things less stressful, don't pressurise, let her have time to relax, take things slowly, get a babysitter etc. things then turned flirty and they have both developed feelings for each other and I'm devastated.

In my heart I know we were never right and if she makes him happy then at least he'll be happy as I have to admit I'm a nightmare to live with and I don't know if I'll ever be able to have sex with him again.

Now we've talked and started counselling but all I feel is numb. He says he doesn't know how he feels and whether he was only interested in her as she showed she'd like to be physical with him.

We're still sharing a house and playing happy families and it's killing me. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants him to fuck off with her but the other hates the thought that someone else can make him happy even though I don't want to.

Thanks for reading this rant!

It will be hard but I think you are sounding a bit as though you may like to be 'fixed' so that you are happy with him?

I'd concentrate on getting yourself 'fixed' and see what happens after that. It may not be as hard as you think and may be sooooo rewarding.

I suppose because I didn't meet him until my mid 30's I was aware that I didn't have that much time and I thought a baby would improve us. It clearly hasn't and with the added stress, sleepless nights, and other stresses it hasn't. I was silly to think it would. I guess I was worried I wouldn't meet anyone else and I'd ruin any chance I had at ever being a mother.

Yes I'm going to work on myself and try and do the best thing for everyone.

If you do the best for you then it will ultimately benefit the rest of the family!!

Aaargh70Wed 24-Jul-13 12:21:38

Yes I suppose I'm gutted that I don't make him happy and that she does. I know it's my fault but at the moment he's not making it any easier as he's saying he does t know if the grass is greener. Obviously she'll give him the sex/intimacy but when that does down a bit he does t know if they have as much in common as we do. Him being so indecisive and regretting cheating confuses me.

I think hes scared that the new realationship might end up like this one has further down the line.
When youve been through something like this it is a real fear.

My experience and what it does to a person.

everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/

Am confused you haven't had sex for two and a half years , your dp tried his best to be understanding and you totally rejected him. That doesn't make it ok to cheat EVER however behaved very unreasonably.

However you behaved very unreasonably.

" Part of me wants him to fuck off with her but the other hates the thought that someone else can make him happy even though I don't want to. "

That is childish. Let him go. You don't want him.

awww OP

but agree let him go, and get therapy

sorry, we are all saying the same thing!!

Its not only childish Its controlling and abusive.

Except I'm npt saying the same thing!! I'm saying stay with the counselling and then whatever decisions you both make will be right for you .

You're being incredibly selfish IMO. He wants and needs a "normal" life ie with affection, intimacy and closeness, including a physical dynamic. You don't but just want a glorified nanny / companion so are trying to hold onto him - still knowing he will be unfulfilled, miserable and rejected. Let him go and find someone who will love him the way you can't.

Have you thought you might be asexual? You might well find someone who would be happy with a relationship on your terms / comfort level but this one isn't it. Please please let the man go.

Thanks for the responses. We'll carry on with the counselling and I'll show him this thread and see what his reaction is. Things have got more strained since he's admitted to cheating so hopefully we'll be able to talk more openly.

it could be that the though of losing him could be the wake up call you need to deal with these things, good luckx

I'm not even clear on what it is exactly he has 'cheated on'.

Yeah I feel uncomfortable with the term "cheating". You don't have a relationship.

Granted we're not in a typical relationship but as we live together, have a child together, everyone else sees us as a couple and we've never had the whole go and have sex with whoever because I won't put out would mean he was cheating.

disagree, he cheated on their relationship, it may not be sexual but it is there relationship same as an emotional affair is still an affair.

Legally the area is very grey I had a discussion with someone who is a solicitor about this subject back in 2007 and he said it would be hard to argue adultery in a situation like this and his colleaugue said that the person who has experienced being frozen out by their partner would be able to file marital neglect.

How would the person 'frozen out' prove they had been 'frozen out'.

If they're married it would be adultery in the eyes of the law.

Well, it's perspectives and expectations, isn't it? What is this relationship? There's more to rleationships than just going through the motions and letting others see what they want to see. From the inside looking out it sounds quite different. Castigating him with the pejorative 'cheater' is wildly inaccurate.

it isn't wildly inaccurate, If a man had an affair but hadn't had sex it would still be an affair. he confided in this OW and had an affair with her whether he slept with his partner or not he cheated on the relationship he has with the mother of his child. A cheat is a cheat whatever the two relationships include.It was behind her back and she was under the impression they are in a relationship = cheat.

We see it differently. I'd even say that by the withdrawl of intimacy, pleasure, joy, emotional attachment, the prospect of happiness etc the infidelity in the relationship is being practiced by the OP. What the law says about 'adultery' is neither here nor there, really.

Horsemad i could prove it. No contraception used by me in the last 17 yrs (apart from the 4 and a half years i was seeing OM) yet no DC and DH hasnt had a vasectomy and i havent had tubal ligation.

I agree with you Pan Totally.