"D" P cheated

[Aaargh70]

Hey,

I've been lurking for about a month, but I've finally stopped crying enough to write this.

As to not drip feed, we've been together for 9 years, living together for 6 years and have a 2.5 year old DS. Things were never on fire with us and even in the beginning I never felt the butterflies or had the urges to shag him senseless. Maybe that should have been an indication...

As soon as we conceived our son i just totally went off sex and after a difficult birth we haven't had sex since conception. I've never had a high sex drive but he was at least 2 a day kind of guy. Now he hasn't been pressuring me for sex and has said he's be more than happy with a cuddle on the sofa but I just can't be near him. He's done the whole weekend
Away, nice lingerie, massages, girly treats, complimenting me on my hated body image etc. we just seem like friends who care after our son.

He has one day off in the week so takes our son out and this is where he met up with an old friend and her child. They met up every week and began getting closer. He then told her about the no sex/intimacy etc and to give her credit she reacted how I would hope in that she said talk to her, reassure, make things less stressful, don't pressurise, let her have time to relax, take things slowly, get a babysitter etc. things then turned flirty and they have both developed feelings for each other and I'm devastated.

In my heart I know we were never right and if she makes him happy then at least he'll be happy as I have to admit I'm a nightmare to live with and I don't know if I'll ever be able to have sex with him again.

Now we've talked and started counselling but all I feel is numb. He says he doesn't know how he feels and whether he was only interested in her as she showed she'd like to be physical with him.

We're still sharing a house and playing happy families and it's killing me. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants him to fuck off with her but the other hates the thought that someone else can make him happy even though I don't want to.

Thanks for reading this rant!

tension probably because he wants to be close to you and knows you will reject him and you are tense incase he does too.
Good idea to get your head round things before being open about htis. Have you thought about Drs?

have to go to bed now but hope you've had a good evening and get good rest tonight.x

Of course it's tense after you DS goes to bed. Your DH has had enough!!

I know he has betrayed you in the true sense, but equally he sounds like a good man, and I would rarely use that description about a man or woman who cheated on their partner. You do sound profoundly depressed and I think need medical help urgently - as someone has said, the underlying causes might be physiological ie thyroid etc. This is a man who has the offer of another woman seemingly on a plate, and you are viewing that offer very objectively (I know I couldn't), but even now he has doubts. I think that you and this decent man need to make a final attempt to save your marriage. I agree with all those that say that he has the right to a physical relationship, which brings that emotional reconnection and bonding. Frankly, and I don't wish to defend his actions, I am surprised he has resisted this long. Not that he should have strayed, but MOST men in his situation, faced by the offer of intimacy from an apparently kind and giving woman, would. But remember, please, HE IS STILL YOUR HUSBAND. Can't you find it in yourself to fight for that marriage? Why not discuss going to couples sexual counselling with him? Relate offer this service and it does work. That plus some assistance from your GP may mean that you can find a middle way that can accommodate his perfectly reasonable sexual needs, perhaps reignite the love between you (and I believe he loves you very much, still), and get you beyond this stagnant point in your marriage. I am not suggesting you will ever turn into a twice-a-day girl, but surely twice a week (the national 'average') would not be unreasonable. I remember years ago reading an agony aunt's response to a woman who had a very similiar situation to you. She wrote that sometimes actually just getting on and 'doing it' can awake feelings in you and both can find a mutual satisfaction in the re-connection, even if it's not all fireworks for you. You made a commitment to this man. I know he has broken his side of the bargain, but I genuinely believe you need to stop focusing on how good a SM she might be to your DC, and re-focus on how good together you and your DH COULD be with not a huge amount of effort.

I am surprised he has resisted this long. Not that he should have strayed, but MOST men in his situation,

And most women in this situation would too.

yyy to the more you do it to the more you want it!! Only hope it isnt too late, that he hasn't found it with someone elsex

I've only just read this thread and I just had to reply. I was in a very similar position 18 months ago. I was with my now ex 7 years, we had a young child and we were totally mismatched libido wise. We still have the odd hug and peck but nothing else for nearly two years and it was killing him.

I'd lost all confidence in myself and was simply concentrating on our child and neglecting the relationship. He confessed he'd cheated and we went to couples counselling. After a few sessions it was clear we loved each other as friend but that's all we saw each other as.

I carried on counselling to improve my self esteem and work out similar issues and also talked to my GP about possible missed PND.

At the time I thought I was going to crumble, but I now feel great. My ex is a great dad and we're still close. He is now living with the OW and her daughter, but she's lovely and makes him happy. I've moved house, got a new job, got new friends, joined a gym and lost 7 1/2 stone, do a night class and got my head sorted. It wasn't easy and some days I felt like shit/ the worst person in the world, but it's so worth it. I have a great little boy, supportive family and friends, i'm confident, happy and enjoying life again.

You might think your life is over, but as cheesy as it sounds it could be the beginning.

You both clearly aren't happy and there's no point in staying if you're both not happy. I hope you managed to see the GP and the counselling helps. You can always message me if you want to chat further. Be kind to yourself!

That's a really helpful post Life. It just shows how things can have a positive outcome for everyone even if you part. You sound great!