"D" P cheated

[Aaargh70]

Hey,

I've been lurking for about a month, but I've finally stopped crying enough to write this.

As to not drip feed, we've been together for 9 years, living together for 6 years and have a 2.5 year old DS. Things were never on fire with us and even in the beginning I never felt the butterflies or had the urges to shag him senseless. Maybe that should have been an indication...

As soon as we conceived our son i just totally went off sex and after a difficult birth we haven't had sex since conception. I've never had a high sex drive but he was at least 2 a day kind of guy. Now he hasn't been pressuring me for sex and has said he's be more than happy with a cuddle on the sofa but I just can't be near him. He's done the whole weekend
Away, nice lingerie, massages, girly treats, complimenting me on my hated body image etc. we just seem like friends who care after our son.

He has one day off in the week so takes our son out and this is where he met up with an old friend and her child. They met up every week and began getting closer. He then told her about the no sex/intimacy etc and to give her credit she reacted how I would hope in that she said talk to her, reassure, make things less stressful, don't pressurise, let her have time to relax, take things slowly, get a babysitter etc. things then turned flirty and they have both developed feelings for each other and I'm devastated.

In my heart I know we were never right and if she makes him happy then at least he'll be happy as I have to admit I'm a nightmare to live with and I don't know if I'll ever be able to have sex with him again.

Now we've talked and started counselling but all I feel is numb. He says he doesn't know how he feels and whether he was only interested in her as she showed she'd like to be physical with him.

We're still sharing a house and playing happy families and it's killing me. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants him to fuck off with her but the other hates the thought that someone else can make him happy even though I don't want to.

Thanks for reading this rant!

I haven't a clue about the legal side or different relationships. OP feels she has been cheated on and her partner admits he has cheated.

I agree with Pan. You can't "cheat" on a room mate.

"everyone else sees us as a couple"

Totally irrelevant and you should be worrying more about the environment your chid is living in than what other people think.

I feel sorry for this bloke. You had a baby with him because your biological clock was ticking (granted you didn't force him to be a father though) and now you don't want to have a loving relationship with him but you don't want him to be happy with anyone else.

When I was a kid, and argued over toys with my DSister, DM would say to whichever of us - but you didn't want it till she had it.

to be fair OP though, your authenticity in saying 'we should never have been' is brutally honest, and more than lots of people get round to admitting.

I'd hope the counselling is really useful. The Doobie Brothers' 'What A Fool Believes' lyric: "Tryin' hard to recreate,What had yet to be created" regarding enduring loving feelings seems relevant here? Let him go, and be happy for him.

And from what you say I'd bet he makes being a really good dad.

That's the thing that hurts the most really. He has his quirks but is a great dad and very hands on, as it should be. Guess I'm just down that if I'd met him earlier and more intimate with him then we'd have a great family.

OP, I hope this doesn't offend you, but it sounds as though you have massively low self esteem. The way you talk about your body ... I don't know about PND but I do question whether you're happy in yourself. How do you feel about yourself in general? Do you feel (cheesy phrase but I can't think how else to put it) deserving of love?

What has meeting him earlier got to do with it? The building blocks were there but you have both failed to build on them. It's very sad but it does sound like you have to let each other go.

I really feel worthless most of the time. I guess I just wish I was more normal and that we could all be happy.

That isn't it at all. Being normal is non existent. How you are is normal for you and being with this man is wrong. You don't love him, you don't even appear to like him.

More importantly you don't love or like yourself.
I can empathise. I think you need to focus on yourself and not him. How can you build a positive relationship with yourself? It's the same as with the PND situation - I think you might benefit from some kind of counselling. But also do recognise that these problems are not between the two of you - they come from how bad you feel about yourself.

I guess the big question is - what would you like to happen? With work & real change?

I really don't know, my head's all over the place. I'm properly fucked up.

Honestly, it sounds like you were never in love with him and never really desired him that much, but he was your best friend. And that's what you are terrified of losing. Is that right?

Talk to him. And talk to her, if that feels appropriate? Because every guy having an affair tells the OW their relationship is like yours genuinely is, and if, as you say, she is nice and has a conscience if you're completely honest about it all, and say he's basically your friend and the father of your child and you don't want to lose that, then you actually may be able to thrash out a way of moving forward where you can co-parent, stay friends, maybe even make friends with this new woman and handle this well.

The reality is that sexual jealousy and being rejected so painfully by the man at the centre of your life makes a true friendship and positive co-parenting relationship almost impossible, I think, in most cases. But yours isn't most cases, and maybe if you look at it with a little detachment, you can see the positives in that, potentially. He sounds a good man and she sounds a nice woman, and you want him to be by your side as you parent, just not in your bed. That may be something he and she will be happy to work with, if you all talk it over. The nuclear explosion of most affair-driven marital breakdowns - sexual and romantic rejection, and lies - is absent. And while the romantic love and sexual passion not being in the marriage was a disaster, their not being in a breakup could be a huge plus.

Just a thought

I wouldn't tell him, if you've not already, that you never felt butterflies or fancied him that much, though. I mean, that would hurt and wouldn't help all sides move on. You can just say the baby's arrival killed that side.

I also think you sound very depressed and shouldn't be making big choices until seeing a GP and accessing some help, to be honest.

But that depression is why you feel despairing. This isn't a desperate situation. You have a lovely child, who has a great father. You are still young, but yes you were right to have a baby while you still were young enough. Nothing about your life sounds a disaster, really and truly. It all sounds totally sortable, if you can just get your mood lifted and start to feel a little less sad.

Thanks :), I guess it would be good if he leaves to be friends with her as my son will be spending time with her. It'll be hard and I wouldn't know if she'd want to? I guess most women would be anxious incase I turned on her.

It's probably a good thing she has her own child as she understands what it's like to be a parent and the stresses and I'm sure he'd be safe etc. From what he's said she sounds lovely and has gone through a pretty shit time with her ex in the past.

You do speak of him as a friend you are fond of. There's no strong emotion. I think you could co parent really well. But yes - maybe this numb feeling is depression too?

Aargh, I think you need to consider the possibility that how you feel about wverything right now is being driven by an undisguised depression.
Don't make big decisions right now. Go see a doc, focus on yourself and building up how you feel about yourself. If he wants to leave he will do so (sorry). At the mo he is still there for you. Maybe you need to tell him how bad you feel about yourself? Maybe it would help him understand what's been going on in your relationship?

*undiagnosed. Not undisguised. FFS !!

Oh we can still talk although since he admitted to the ow I just don't know how I feel. It would be easier if he said he hated me, but he doesn't know what he wants.

Will have a think about everything that's been said and try and talk it over with him.

So glad people are being more supportive now OP, think you may benefit from some medical intervention, can you see gp in the morning?
Has DP seen this thread yet?

I'm going to see what I can do. Not shown him yet as I don't know whether it's too honest and maybe he doesn't need to know everything until I've got my head around everything.

We're being civil for our sons sake but as soon as he's in bed the tension builds.