came across a few interesting texts, now what?

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

Tbh it seems to me like your counsellor has just put you at the bottom of the list and is telling you to ignore your gut feeling and instincts to give this cheat a lovely happy family Christmas!
Which is definitely not what he deserves.
I personally don't think that you glossing over things for Christmas is the right thing to do.
And I bet your DH thought very highly of that counsellor as she has basically just freed him of any consequences and has allowed him to have a wonderful Christmas! (And best of all, all he has to do is tell you he doesn't want to talk about it and hey presto! You're off his back).

He will use this opportunity to pull out all the stops to show you what a loving and kind husband and father he can be OP. He knows that a 'happy' family Christmas will persuade you that it's not worth breaking up the family for.
I don't think the outcome of this is in your best interests at all (and therefore not in the best interests of your DC either).

Awful day!
Had ds preschool Christmas songs, h came along. I found it so hard to keep it together.
This afternoon I've been at an all time low. Crying, full of anger.
Got kids to bed and just kept asking him to leave. Tried to call his parents and he snatched the phone off me. Threatened to call the police, he just said are they really going to believe a self harmer whose on anti depressants (haven't sh in over 3 months)
Hes def turned, trying to put things on me.
Then he finally phoned his parents to say i wanted him gone. Only his dad thers who wanted to speak to me. Turns out hes screwed around too! I I just said like father like funking son and hung up. Now hiding upstairs as i can't stand him anymore.

This is just stupid! SO ANGRY!

Houmous - I haven't posted before but I have been following your thread as I am going through something similar (numerous infidelities over our 17 year relationship on and off, mainly emotional affairs but a couple of full affairs too). I, too, have had angry, spiteful responses from my H - usually when he feels he has lost control of 'the process'. No advice really as I am dealing with my situation very badly but I wanted to say you are not alone with this shit.
My only suggestion would be to see your own counsellor and ditch the marital counselling! Mine has saved my sanity!!!
It totally sucks to be in this position at Xmas.

The counsellor basically told you to live a lie, which is hugely in his interests and massively costs you. It is not in the kids interests to live in this marriage or watch this man do this to their mother. And the longer you stay after finding this out, the more you normalise it and the less likely you are to leave - what matters most to their longterm interests, faking a happy Christmas (HOW? Are you not meant to be human?!) or ensuring them a less toxic future? That is NOT a good counsellor. That's someone whose main goal is to preserve the marriage at all (and in this case all yours) costs.

He's lied to you about asking his parents, and now you know his father taught him it was okay to live this way. Do you want to repeat that lesson for your kids, or do you want to teach them this behaviour has consequences?

He has fucked around, lied to you, and is now using the mental health problems HIS BEHAVIOUR has caused you to bully you.

You need a counsellor OF YOUR OWN and you need a solicitor. You need them before the end of the week, and you need, IMO, to start divorce proceedings against him. That way you CAN get him to leave, because the settlement will force that.

You haven't thrown your marriage away, you didn't do this to your kids. He has, is, and fully intends to. Of course you're angry and devastated, and those reactions are just more of the inevitable consequences of his behaviour.

He does not care how much harm he does you or your children or how much pain he causes. He just wants to have everything as he wants it and fuck anyone else's needs, rights or wishes. And he will do it no matter who he is with, because he feels entitled to do it.

It's emotional abuse. You are living with an abuser. Leave him - please.

Your DH learned this from his father.
And your DC will learn it from their father.
Show them that it's not acceptable and that you deserve more respect than that.
Trust your instincts and your feelings that are telling you to get out of this situation. They are right.

Oh and my H also learnt this behaviour from his father. And his enabling mother (both equally to blame as far as I'm concerned). I'll be damned if my boys treat their DWs the same way. Although its not always automatic - I know plenty of adults with philandering fathers who have not followed suit.

Thanks all.

I know he's abusing me emotionally. I know its over. I wad stupid to think that I can live with this over Christmas.

I have nowhere to go.

Never that keen of FIL, should have trusted my instincts! What a knob! I mean as if telling me that he did it once us going to make me say "oh well if you did it, its fine H did! "

I was stupid to think just over a week ago he would leave.

He's turned me into this spiteful, hateful monster, who has wasted 10 years if her life on a liar.

X

Not stupid, just trying to put your family first at Xmas. Don't beat yourself up, you're in an impossible position.

I know a bit about how you are feeling.

I started self harming well into my 40's.... I never ever heard about SH but I was in such a destructive relationship where I had no power, or influence I turned it all back onto myself.

I wish I had something to say that would inspire you :( Thing is, we all have our own journey. I too had nowhere to go, hence my name... I retreated to my bedroom. I rarely ventured to the rest of the house, luckily my kids were young adults. You have to do what you think helps for now. I know that there will be lots of posters with really practical advice :) For now lots of and and chocolate.

You are hardly the spiteful hateful monster, OP. I was thinking H will soon tire of saying sorry and lo, he is lashing out now. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree as they say - his dad is as bad When MIL wanted to talk to you the other night I hope she wasn't about to give you the "They're all as bad as each other but we wives just have to put up with it" speech

I am sure your past mental health issues has a lot to do with living with this cheating lying abuser.

You need to put yourself first and tell him to go. The DC need a tension free home and a healthy mum. He is the one who is breaking up the family, not you.

I hope you are not doing any cooking, shopping or washing for him.

Oh I have lost count of the number of times I have asked him to go!
But he refuses.

I do nothing for him, he can look after himself.

Going to gp later for my review, she's very blunt and yet incredibly supportive, just what I need right now! X

Re getting him to leave. Have you looked into legal advice? Seen a solicitor? They should be able to advise on this - he will have to go as part of a divorce settlement.

Have contacted solicitors today.

Told a few people in rl and the support has been amazing. What was I frightened of?! I think I felt shame but now I can see ive nothing to be ashamed of!
Maybe I underestimated people, maybe I just under valued myself.

Gp really impressed with me and told me I should be proud of myself.

Much more positive day

That's great - its amazing just how much having RL support can help.

Well done OP for taking these steps today - I hope you feel more positive about the future now.

Well done well done well done. I CANNOT EXPRESS what an achievement you have made. Talking to people in RL is the hardest thing to do, which is understandable, but it also one of the best ways to drive yourself forwards. I am really happy for you OP because you have taken steps that some people don't take for years. No more wasted time x

STUPID IDIOT ALERT

I don't really know how it happened, but I had sex with h last night.
He finially said he would go tommorow (Friday). I felt the complete opposite to the strong person i had been all day

Dont get me wrong, I consented to it. But now feeling so mixed up.

Feel like ive let myself down (and all of the great support I've had from you guys)

Please don't beat yourself up about this.

You are bound to have a few setbacks and this is just one of these.

Part of the pattern and what happens when the other person displays a sudden 180 degree turn to hang onto his marriage like grim death. It doesn't mean you forgive him everything but he's back in control which is at the crux of all this.

You're not stupid, it's understandable considering how mixed up you are. You hate him & want him to leave but at the same time you still have feelings for him and no doubt he is now desperate for you to change your mind.

Is he still leaving today? Can you be strong and stick to your guns? I think you need to show him that he can't just jump back into bed with you and make everything alright. Nothing's changed. He's still been unfaithful. He's still walked all over you with no regard for your feelings.

He's panicking now & desperately clinging to the hope that he can make you change your mind. In the only way he knows how.

Good luck, be strong my friend.

Completely normal response. Truly - almost textbok. Google 'hysterical bonding'.

It's happened. It often does. Now step away x

Felt so sad when I read your latest post. You were so close to being free and are now confused and wavering. Only you know how you want this to play out. Be strong and dig deep, good luck.

Sobbing mess today. I was so sure what I wanted (him out) and now I just don't know. I want to run away as far from my life as I can.

I've got the washing machine being repaired in hslf an hour, the guys gonna think im a loon !

Just phoned my mum. She was fucking useless. Why doesn't she want to come over and cuddle me and tell me everything is going to be ok?! She's 30 minutes away, hardly the end of the earth.

Today I feel like I want to forgive. But is that really going to be possible? !

houmous you may be able to forgive [but we can only forgive those who say sorry remember] but I fear this issue will erupt in the future in some form or another, and can you trust. I think it will be in your mind eating away, at regular intervals.
I know there is often a 'goodbye fuck' between people who have been so close for so long. But that's all it is. It's a way of letting go.

Have you someone in RL who you can talk to today? Can you talk to the Samaritans? When we hear ourselves talk and describe a scenario and our emotions we often hear a clearer picture and get a light bulb moment. Good luck.

Houmous, be gentle with yourself. You cannot suddenly undo the good memories and hopes for what was your partnership.

Give yourself some space and time.

You are tremendous. You sound lovely. I am sending you hugs Xxxxx