came across a few interesting texts, now what?

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

Houmous- I went back time after time. I know how you feel

Perfectstorm is right, you need to work on your self esteem to get the strength to stick to your guns and get him to move out
Even talking to a solicitor for half an hour helped me
She did it over the phone, just a couple of weeks ago, she was fantastic

My husband is right now, begging me to make it work, whilst emailing OW to go out for dinner

I think once they know they have gotten away with it once, they don't think twice about doing it again
I was always waiting for proof
I still don't have physical proof, but I have enough to know that he has lied over and over. Unbelievable lies
And I don't need proof.
I know, deep down I know. I've been blinded because I just couldn't believe he actually would, but he has.

Anyway, he won't change, but he'll be better for a while
Get your ducks in a row, get cab, legal advice. I'd also see the gp, some areas have great counselling etc
Figure out what you can do, and do it when you are string enough.

It is okay and completely understandable to be going through a roller coaster of emotions as you've been blind sided.
Don't ever feel stupid or hating yourself... This is the most important time to start loving you!!!
Think about what you deserve... and that is so much better than what he's giving to you.
I believe our feelings don't just turn off when something like this happens. It's ok to feel a mess, it's ok to be confused about how you feel, its ok to be angry and mad and sad and all of your emotions. Give yourself permission to take the time you need to do what's right for you and your kids.

Well last nights revelation that the woman who called yesterday from work, he has also kissed. He went round for coffee and they kissed (I was pregnant with dd at the time)

I text her earlier asking which one she was (after eastibilshing she'd given me a missed call), her response was the best one. Then I found out her name from h so text her "so x what exactly have you done with my husband? " her response "your boring me now! "

H says shes a bit of a piece of work and another member of staff is loosing his marriage after lies she has told.

He was supposed to go last night, but couldn't get hold of his parents (I don't trust him that much I don't think he was even dialing their number, and redial doesn't work on the phone so can't check). Then started looking at local rentals and realised he wouldn't be able to afford it.

Ergh!

What a terrible way to live. You seriously told him you are up for continuing this kind of shit ?

Even your Houdini of a cheating H can't dodge this one. "Piece of work"! Pot calling the kettle black.

Just read this thread humouus.

No wise words just wanted to let you know there's another MNetter holding your hand.

When going through my own shit with ex my sister held my hand, looked into my eyes and promised me that one day, one way or another everything would be ok again. And it's true. Hold on to that. You'll be ok.
X

You need legal advice. Seriously, you do. And counselling just for you, too.

Every day you stay with him is a lost one. You can't get them back. I am now married to the loveliest, best person you could ever meet. I'm really, truly happy and confident and at peace with life and myself, and I was such a mess after that time with the idiot. My only regret is not getting shot when I first found out, after a year, because with every time you forgive it gets harder to leave. Harder to get angry enough and disgusted enough to see what a loser they are, how many great alternatives there are, and to get rid of the emotional freeloader.

He's playing you. He has no respect for you or for any other woman, and never will. Honestly, is this the model you want for your kids?

Oh God.

Can YOU call his parents?

Go to your parents with the children for Christmas and New Year?

Please stop wasting your precious, precious time on this nasty little player.

Very good point above
As time goes on you kind of become immune to how bad his actions are.
You stop getting angry and appalled and just see it as normal
It's horrendous

How about he packs his bag, heads out the door and then if his parents aren't home he can find a hotel?! Where he goes is not your problem. What is your problem is your mental health-and that's your children's problem.

You absolutely cannot begin to repair with him in the house. Even if you tell him he can come back in a week (whatever you need to say to get him out of there), you need up rebuild your strength. That means absolutely no contact and I promise you will feel more like you can tackle this situation.
Right now you are working on the basis of being ground into submission and just fighting through with dwindling energy.

Also remember-as predicted, you are finding out new things already, so there is so much more you don't know.
How dare he draw this out? All of the information is in his head but instead he's content with extending this misery for you. It's all about self preservation for him-he's not thinking about your feelings at all. There is absolutely no love or respect. The tears he has shed are for himself!!

You were feeling strong and were ready to tell him it's over and he stripped it from you. You need to get that back. He needs to leave for you to get back to that place.
If you don't feel strong for yourself, feel strong for your children. They deserve happy parents. You can't be happy living with a liar and it's not a lesson you want them to learn.

I'm sending lots of strength your way. You know in your heart you don't want him there. You don't owe us anything at all. You can only do what it possible but from your posts I know you have the strength to deal with him leaving. The consequences are scary but you really can do it!!

This man has been cheating on you constantly throughout you entire relationship.

There is nothing to salvage here - he will never stop thinking he's entitled to flirt with women and have sex with them behind your back.

All he will do is try to cover his tracks better and bulldoze you into not asking too many questions.

Why ON EARTH is he phoning Relate?

You can't be thinking of going to couples counselling with him?

The problem with your relationship is that one of the people in it is a philanderer.

Talking won't fix that.

I really, really feel for you but can't you see that he has been allowed to get away with this so many times that he knows all he has to do is blame the other women and tell lies and you will cave in?

You do know he thinks you are completely gullible? Stop putting yourself through this. What kind of man has so little respect for any women (including you) that he makes them out to be bunny boilers etc rather than just admit that he can't keep his cock in his pants?

Your husband is a misogynist, don't let your DC's think this is ok.

Where he sleeps is not your problem.

He can't afford a local rental? TOUGH SHIT.

You can't afford to have your soul ripped out.

Pack his bags - he is a grown man and he will sort something out. I am so sad for you and I have to say that from everything you have told us, I fear that this is all the tip of the iceberg. He is a serial cheat and he WILL wear you down and steal the joy from your life. Fucker. I am SO angry on your behalf.

Thank you all again.
Told a friend in rl today, she was great. It was hard and it all felt very real. But I am making steps to moving on.
He will not leave.
Has pestered me all evening about how he still lives me snd wants to prove to (yada yada..). I was exhausted and had to beg him several times to leave me alone because I just want some bloody sleep! Eventually he went to spare room. But not before threatening to sleep in our bed (I just said calmly that I would sleep elsewhere)
No messages from his ows today to me (I have had to stop myself from texting back yesterday's one who saidI was boring her! )
He's still off work on personal leave. I just want him to Fuck off! When he was being funny earlier he was saying you wouldn't even care where I'd go (no, only need to know it's safe for when you have children).

He also tried the your not going to let me see my kids line. This annoyed me. I have always said he can have access, as long as I know when he would like to have them and he doesn't mess them around (false promises, being late etc)

The cracker of the night hsd to be "well you could have been upto alsorts, I just don't know how to snoop like you!" . I went to hit him the twat! No I'm honest!

Apparently hes going tommorow, take your bets now!

Houmous, I think I'm probably 2 weeks down the line from you
Very similar circumstances
My husbands mood has been angry/accusative/defensive/suicidal(all talk) sad/pathetic
Begging me to give him another chance, then suggesting I am out to fleece him.
I have prepared myself for a fight, but I have stayed resolute and calm and told him I'm not going back on what I have said
He is slowly getting it
I think!
He has no right to be sad/argumentative/angry
No right at all, and anytime he tries I will remind him of that

At one point I got "well you shouldn't have been snooping, then you wouldn't be so hurt"!
Unbelievable

PPaka yep I've had the suicide threats too! I was very blunt and just said if you were gonna do it you wouldn't be telling me first.
Soooo much feeling sorry for himself ("would you even come to my funeral? ", can never turn down a free lunch )
Well done for staying strong for 2 weeks, its like a marathon isn't it.
Hope yourd takes the hint soon x

If he threatens suicide again, ask him to repeat then tell him you will phone the police to deal with him. Then ask him again. I'm betting he back down.

He sounds a nasty piece of work.

You sound strong and you KNOW you are doing the right thing - for yourself and your DS and DD.

Staying with this cretin would be so damaging. All the minimising, making you doubt your own sanity as he lies so easily. Cheating on you when you were pregnant FFS.

Imagine the weight gone from your shoulders when he's gone.

Well big shock - he's still here!

I made a point of saying we will sort through dcs xnad presents, check we're happy then go to bed (both tired out). He still managed to get in about 1/2 hour of bullshit. Even though he kept saying im not blaming you, he went on about how my (as in me) life's been hard and it's hard to talk to me because of this.

Im dreading Tuesday. I've never had a positive counselling experience and I imagine she will try and put it on me.

His major piss me off if today was that he'd had a little chat with ds (nearly 4). When I came into the room the first thing he said was "daddies hurt you". Apparently he told he might be moving out because he'd hurt me. How fucking stupid! If ds says this at preschool, ss will be on my door thinking I'm a battered wife! I tolld h it was a stupid, selfish thing to say, I was livid!
So mr pathetic continues....
PPaka has yours got the hint yet? (Pm if you want/need to chat)

Why are you agreeing to couple's counselling? You don't need to be counselled; you're married to a serial philanderer who is also a compulsive liar and gaslighter and a consummate manipulator. How is joint counselling going to prevent his continued emotional abuse of you?

Sorry but I think it's an awful idea. I think you need a good counsellor on your own, not to be fed more of his bullshit.

If he had the least remorse or concern, he'd have done as you asked and given you space. He is wasting days, weeks, months and years of your precious and finite life... and your children's even more finite childhood.

Don't go to joint counselling--massive massive mistake.

You know, his behaviour is emotionally abusive. And joint counselling with manipulative abusers is not a good idea - a counsellor may suss him and call him on his crap, or they may not, but if you open up with him you hand him more information about how to manipulate you and keep you where he wants you.

I don't see anything good for you from agreeing to this. It's a fob-off and effort to control from him. There is nothing wrong with you and there isn't a relationship problem - he just feels entitled to fuck around. All the couples counselling in the world won't sort that.