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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

came across a few interesting texts, now what?

366 replies

houmousandcarrotsandwich · 22/07/2013 07:00

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

OP posts:
34DD · 15/12/2013 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 15/12/2013 09:34

I am sure he will give a performance worthy of an Oscar.

SlightlyJaded · 15/12/2013 21:48

Please listen to others an DO NOT engage in couples counselling. It will be used to validate him and his behaviour. You will end up feeling that HIS serial cheating is a 'joint' issue. It isn't.

Hang in there Hummus

jemily84 · 15/12/2013 23:05

oh my, hummus! be strong lady!!

this reminds me so much of my dad. cheated on my mum 14 years into there marriage. my mum dad was dying at the time and he blamed her for being preoccupied! she was having a break down and took him back. 15years later, they divorced. but he has destroyed her. as kids,.my sister and me suffered the psychological abuse of not being able to tell anyone, and seeing my parents argue.every day. everyone's right, go to counselling on your own. his is HIS fault. not yours. get rid of him before he is able to inflict any more harm on you and tour children. he i s a c*nt. then he cries say to him. "im not interested in your tears, they are not for me. you are crying for you and what you have thrown away!" you will feel empowered. arrange for someone to come round and change the locks when he is at work. pack his bags and leave them outside. call his parents and tell them everything, if he won't leave the property and is hammering on the door,.call the police.

no one said it would be easy. but we promise it will be worth it.

jemily84 · 15/12/2013 23:09

oh, and don't worry about his finances. you said he had savings right? well he'll have to use them then.

sucks to be him :-)

Divinity · 15/12/2013 23:29

Oh he's a serial cheat but its all your fault as his life was so hard with you? And the one you found out about is a nutter according to him? What a cock.

His constant talking to you is another way of playing mindfuck games with you. You are not being given a moments peace so you can gather your thoughts together.

You do realise that you've done nothing to deserve this? Dig deep, you do have the strength of character to deal with this. It does get better I promise.

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 16/12/2013 21:31

He's still here!
He told his parents, who are apparently devastated (worried he's about to move back in I reckon!)

My mum has said she can't have me and the kids due to having already arranged for my sister s family to stay over Xmas, then they are all going away for new year. So I have no where to go.

Counselling tommorow. I think I just wanna hear what he's going to say.

He's still off work (hopefully back Thursday). I have told him over and over to go and I just keep getting "I can't just walk away"
He would be totally f'ed financially. He's been looking into it and keeps begging to stay.

I still want him gone, it's just trickier then I planned!

OP posts:
jemily84 · 16/12/2013 22:02

do you believe this? has he called his parents? why do t you say to him that you're calling them to confirm as tour don't believe anything he says anymore and see his reaction. and seriously don't worry about his finances. its another shot at emotional blackmail. tugging at your heart strings to get you to forgive him. what a tosser. and who's to say he doesn't have money you don't know about? he's lied about everything else?....

jemily84 · 16/12/2013 22:07

i would call a domestic abuse line for some advice. i personally think you could easily call the police and have him removed just from the threats of suicide and the psychological abuse to you and your children.

perfectstorm · 16/12/2013 22:09

Frankly a solicitor would be more use to you than a counsellor. Why do you want to hear what he has to say? It'll be a new attempt to manipulate you and more lies - what's the point?! It will serve his interests, which automatically means it will be absolutely against your own.

Tough shit on him if a breakup would hit him hard financially. He should have thought of that before dipping his wick in other women, plural, then playing you for a fool when you protested! If you start divorce proceedings (and you have ample grounds to found an unreasonable behaviour petition) then he'd bloody well have to go because the settlement would ensure it.

I'd give him a choice: leave and give you breathing space now, or you'll start divorce proceedings and he can be forced to leave permanently.

Sadly, and very understandably, I don't think you're in the least ready to end it. He's doing the hoover manueovre and you're enmeshed enough in his bullshit to want the lies to be true. I've been there, and wasted years as well. Honestly, it's pretty frustrating to see someone else there. There is so, so much more to life than he is allowing you to experience. Sad

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 16/12/2013 22:10

No he is shit with money. I manage the financial side of things, I transfered alot of our savings inti my personal account (said I was buying a house to the bank, they didn't question it!)
I know all his in goings and out goings as have been through all his syuff looking for evidence(at least no evidence of taking ow out for meals hotels etc just
a few small fees to sexy chst type websites)
He has def told the parents as his mum keeps texting him. She has asked to talk to me, but h has said to wait and not hassle me.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 16/12/2013 22:28

His finances are not your problem. He should have considered the fallout of his choices before he was a selfish bastard. He has shredded your self esteem and your ability to see the wood for the trees and is busily getting his ducks in a row so he can reinforce that and stay with his little wify while he fucks around, I'm sorry, but that's the reality.

Your relationship will be your template for your children. Is this what you want for them? Seriously? Sad Please OP, you have so much more you could do and get from life than being emotionally abused by this loser. Get shot of him - and I am not someone who always says to LTB, either, and rarely so bluntly. But he's not sorry or remorseful, he's not ever going to be honest, he just wants to soothe you and placate you so he can keep going. He doesn't see that he is doing anything wrong. Is this what you want from life? Because if you stay with things as they are, it's all you will ever get.

As to what he will say in counselling - whatever it takes to get you to do as he wants. A combination of "woe is me, the relationship has been struggling and I was foolish enough to seek validation outside" "my childhood was difficult..." and "I love houmous more than I ever knew I could love any woman and can't believe I risked everything - I self-sabotage!" would be the norm. He may have his own variations, though. Hmm He lies. You know this. Why want to listen to more of them?

SlightlyJaded · 16/12/2013 22:32

Seriously?

He is begging to stay/for a chance/calling his parents blah blah blah...

You have asked for one thing - and that is for space, and he is not giving it to you. Hmm

He needs to go to his parents/friends/b&b and feel the consequences of his actions and show you the first bit of respect in ages, by putting himself out of his comfort zone and respecting your need for him to leave. Whether for a short/long time or ever.

You are being so restrained that I don't know whether to applaud you or shake you! But definitely hug you :)

totallyoutnumbered · 16/12/2013 23:23

Hello love, I've been following your thread and just want to say I'm another mneter here to handhold. I couldn't agree more with the likes of perfectstorm and talkativejim. This man is actually so very predictable unfortunately and you deserve so, so much more. A really good friend of mine gave me some advice when I went through something very similar (before I had my kids) she ttold me to picture having kids and imagine what they would feel like if I demonstrated as a mum that this kind of shitty behaviour is normal and therefore acceptable. It really upset me and totally focused me I might add. You can do this even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You're threatening to remove all control from him and he doesn't know how to handle it at all so is trying every bloody trick in the book. He needs to go and allow you to realise that you're better than this. Stay focused for yourself and your family xxxx

meeeemo · 17/12/2013 00:26

just read the whole thread. stay strong, you sound lovely and dont need a shit like that!!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 17/12/2013 00:49

Why wont/can't he go to his Mother's?

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 17/12/2013 07:12

I appreciate what your all saying, hes minimising, hes going to lie in counselling, he's trying to take control and playing various emotional black mail cards.

I will ask in counselling how I can believe a single word and he knows I still believe there is more to come out.

He just refuses to go full stop. Unless he is violent (which he won't be) I can't really call the police to remove him. Its both our names on the deeds and I don't want my children witnessing anything like that.

Thank you all again for your support x

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 17/12/2013 08:03

Can you get copies of his subscriptions to the sexy chat sites? I suspect he hasn't given his parents the full picture & the truth is always a powerful tool in your arsenal. Any evidence you can gather, before he can delete things, could be useful to you.

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 17/12/2013 08:06

I've got copies of everything in hard snd in digital form. This will be used against him if required!

OP posts:
pausingforbreath · 17/12/2013 08:10

Hummus,
I have been silently holding your hand throughout your thread. You are so strong.
When my Dh revealed his affair with OW - the kaleidoscope of emotions and thoughts were so huge. Your head must be spinning.
Although I didn't have to deal with minimising ( hit hard with all the grim facts) living through those fist few weeks was really grim with both of us together in the same house.

I got to a point , when I couldn't 'lie' to my children anymore.
They were at an age they knew something was badly wrong and when they asked me; they knew I was lying , minimising to them - I could see the hurt & confusion reflected back at me.
This is when I told Dh , I could not allow for them to be lied to anymore. He needed to face up to what he had done , stop trying to hide the enormity of the situation and stop expecting me to help him minimise and cover up for him with our kids . I made him deal with the shit that he had caused .... It wasn't my shit to clean up.
He had made a choice to do what he had done, I hadn't been part of that.

Yours sounds the same, created the mayhem - then expects others to smooth it over for him.
It's not on and he needs to realise that. Why should he be the one that remains comfortable ?

Take care.

HollaAtMeBaby · 17/12/2013 08:28

This is so depressing. I wouldn't go to counselling. What is his reasoning for not going to stay with his parents?

PPaka · 17/12/2013 08:57

Oh Houmous- it's so hard
I can't believe how similar your situation is to mine

You really need to talk to a solicitor
Mine was amazing, gave me so much information, reassured me and really made me feel like it was possible
If I was at home I would just give you her number, I talked to her on the phone

The thing with counselling is that even if he doesn't manipulate it, you will still spend all the time and energy talking about him and his problems, so make sure you get to talk about you

I'm at my parents now til the NY, I'm not really confident that he will be out by the time I get back. But I'll get there

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 17/12/2013 08:58

Don't be surprised if PILs do turn up on your doorstep to add pressure.

This evening when he sees the counsellor how will he justify his actions? DW and DCs not sufficient? He felt neglected? In his head he's got an open marriage, he just never bothered to clear it with you first? Maybe he will try and minimise it as being greedy - he likes the extra portions of attention and arousal by co-workers and from signing up on websites.

Can't imagine how you feel anticipating there's still more he hasn't told you.

In a short time he gambles on your anger burning itself out. Show remorse, tick. Counselling, tick. Back to work on Thursday, sorted.

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 17/12/2013 15:58

Counselling wasn't a complete waste of time. I actually thought the counsellor was pretty good.

She helped us see its Christmas next week and we have 2 kids. So until the new year, we are parents. No emotional blackmail, no arguments. We only talk if both of us want to without the kids around and if the other doesn't want to, then that is to be respected.
We are to plan how we are going to make Christmas work for the kids.
I have made my feelings perfectly clear that I don't see a future for us. But right now I am a mum, thats all thst matters.

Thank you for all your input x

OP posts:
Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 17/12/2013 18:09

Take care OP x