came across a few interesting texts, now what?

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

Agree a good solicitor and telling people IRL is really important now. Make it real for him - as it is, he thinks if he plays nice and refuses to budge he can make it all go away. Because he is nothing but a spoilt little boy, however many years he's been alive.

houmous you're doing brilliantly

What an absolute moron - offering to pay for your nails/bringing you a cup of coffee earlier on - I mean WTF does he think that these things are going to change?

Stay strong, have you got any RL support? x

Well yes it's completely in character that he'd be like that - offering to make you coffee and pay for your nails to be done.

He sees you (and all women) as commodities.

Toys. Pets. Playthings.

Not people, not equals.

So, just like you'd offer a puppy a chew to get it back on side if you'd upset it, he's offering his little pet some baubles.

But move out? Give this PERSON who has asked for some space the respect she's due and actually listen to what she wants?

Don't be stupid!!

My husband did exactly the same this week
Offered to pay for mani/pedi

How strange

Tonight has been awful.

I started so strong, he blubbed and blubbed, but I was still on the out you go thread.

I can't even remember what he said but then I started crying like I haven't through this whole episode. Im currently hurting from head to toe.

He has said he will go tommorow if that is what I really want. He's called in sick to work. He has said hes prepared to stay in the spare room for as long as it takes for me to decide what I truly want. And if that is for him to go he will.

I'm so exhausted!
Im tempted to say stay until I've made my mind up. I know he's a low down shit, but he's the father of my children and I will always love him (Have not said this to him)

I have even contemplated turning up at a&e saying im suicidal, so they admit me and drug me so I can sleep/not care/survive. H was very against this, even when I said I didn't care if he just told people I've gone mad.

Sorry I've wasted everones time. I was so miss fuck em now im back to thinking I can carry on despite being treated like shit. Im di fucking weak

You are not weak. This is a difficult decision. Heart and mind are at conflict. Do not rush but dont accept what you believe is second best.

Hugs and take care of yourselfxxx

I don't believe you are weak at all. You will go through a mountain of emotions, it's all natural with what you are going through.

I really don't think that him sleeping in the spare room for 'as long as it takes' is going to help your frame of mind. You probably need total separation for a couple of weeks. You need time to think, to digest, to decide what you need.

You have not wasted anyone's time on here, MNers have helped me through so much and we will all support you.

Oh love you haven't wasted anyones time.
It is too soon and too raw for you to be making any major decisions. Your DH is a low down shit an you do know that but it will take a while for your heart to catch up with your head.
Do what you have to do to get by just now. If that means him staying in the spare room so be it. You dont have to chuck him out YET.
Can you go see your GP tomorrow and get some RL support.

Thank you all, now in bed, hoping I sleep x

You haven't wasted anything Houmous, and you certainly aren't weak, non of us are taught how life should be. this is your life and its only normal to go through all these emotions. I would say that I think its a good idea if you can say that you would like him out of the house so you can catch your thoughts, its almost impossible to do while you still live together even in seperate room. IME the only way to make sure that the choices you make is if you don't live together for a while as you process it.

Don't worry about the agony you feel now they are all understandable feelings and you will be up and down as you live this. it really is the roller coaster it is cracked up to be.xxx

This is why your husband needs to leave the house

night x

The past few months may have felt like they were happening to someone else, tonight it all caught up with you, it has been a long time coming. Try to sleep now - you don't owe us an explanation or apology but we're here if you want to offload.

Morning HOumous, thinking of youx

Hating myself - I've caved in, hes staying.

Have said it's spare room I don't cook/clean/wash for him. And at anytime I can say he goes.

He now has to 'repair'. Says he's going to phone relate today and sort out counselling (im not holding my breath)

He took ds to preschool and have no intentions of getting dressed today (he's suggested going to take kids to feed the ducks later), I just want to hide from the world. I feel I've failed everyone including myself.

I guess I just hadn't really grown that back bone

It's a big change at a difficult time of year. Do what you feel is right for you. It is still quite raw. Take each day as it comes. Don't feel like you have to make any decisions now, do them when it feels right for you.

Some people can repair their marriage from this, some kick their OH out straight away and for some they wake up at a point and know it's over. Do what is right for YOU. Your 'D'H doesn't get a say! Take things at your own pace but please don't feel like you have failed. You haven't! This is your life not a competition or a show. Take some time for yourself - long soak in the bath, afternoon on the sofa with a film, whatever.

Oh, and don't feel like you have to hide from the world or make announcements to the world. This is your life, do what is best for you x

Thanks towicymru.

The thing is I don't feel im doing the right thing. The right thing would be to chuck him out, but some how I'm not.

Hes just gone out to get lunch and money for the window cleaner. He took the number for relate anx says he's going to call them while he's out (why not at home?)
Also was a missed call from one of his women at work, I didn't answer (have caller id). Have just text back saying I have a missed call from this number.

Feeling very sorry for myself

Don't beat yourself up please. I know how hard it is to do the right thing. I am sure you will when you feel ready and stronger.

I would use this time to focus on rebuilding your own life - hobbies, friends, work, training and so on. Also gather information (e.g see solicitor for free half hour) to find out where you would stand financially and legally should you decide to split up. All of this will make you feel stronger and more in control of his life.

As for him - remember actions speak louder than words and so far he isn't coming up with the goods (not calling relate while at home, missed calls from women etc)

*your life

Why phone Relate out of earshot away from home indeed.

a missed call from one of his women at work, let me guess he was practically skipping out of the house on every errand.

Oh dear.

I completely understand why you are in the position you are in - resolve is all well and good, but in the face of the man you love crying that he wants to be with you, it is VERY hard to see it through.

But. Unless you make a stand now, you are setting a precedent for the future that you will regret. I can promise you that. The texts you quoted up thread leave most of us in know doubt that he has shagged about - and quite possibly with more than one person. A spell in the spare room and a visit to relate is all well and good ONCE THEY HAVE BEEN KICKED OUT FOR A FEW MONTHS. That's what happens when and IF they are allowed to come home. Doing it this way means that you are skipping/leaving out the crucial lesson in all of this, which is that cheating has consequences.

The message he is getting is that a bit of crying, laundry,breakfast in bed and a couple of weeks in the spare room is his punishment but that broadly, he is forgiven.

I am so sorry if this sounds harsh but I realise you must be exhausted, drained, confused and tearful and frankly the last thing you want is to break up your marital home just before Christmas. But you are not - he has already done that. It might not be forever - in which case throwing him out is more important than ever.

Equally, it might be forever. So you should know one more thing.

You said up thread that he is 'the father of your children and you will always love him'.

He will always be the father of your children but you will not necessarly always love him. I bet if you polled MNers who felt this about their spouses you would be AMAZED by the number of people who fell out of love with their partners far more quickly than they ever imagined they would.

I really hope this isn't too brutal - you sound lovely and deserve happiness.

Yes, he'll be out updating his shags on the situation and coming up with a game plan.

It's a really difficult time of year for this decision.

If you feel you need him to stay at the moment, why don't you use the mental 'ease' that will give you (if that's the right word) to start trying to think in terms of YOU, WITHOUT HIM, moving on with your life?

Personally I'd forget relate and the only counselling I'd want is solo counselling. But more than either of those things - how about you just start to do more stuff independently? And without children? Friends? Clubs?

Oh - and love - you know this guy doesn't know the meaning of the word. That feeling will change over time too - I believe that what you 'love' is what he represents - your husband, your partner, father of your children - all the ideals that actually he doesn't even pretend to really be. You're in love with an illusion.

All true!

He said he can't get through to relate. Which nade ne think convenient, but have just tried myself and their answer phone on thurdays (no body in the office)

Hes just taken dcs out do I'm going to watch crsp on telly ti tske done time out x

The problem with serial cheaters is they absolutely destroy your self-esteem. It's almost impossible to walk away because you are in such a miserable state over them and the relationship that you respond to the hoover manoeuvre with surprising ease. I've been there, my love, a long time ago now thankfully but it took me 6 years to get shot, and we weren't married and there were no kids.

I think you need counselling on your own, really. Sod Relate as he won't be honest anyway and I'm afraid his behaviour and attitude makes it pretty clear he has no very great likelihood of ever changing. I think you need some help for you, as the damage a relationship with someone like him can do is pretty huge.

There's nowt wrong with you. You aren't the cheat, the liar or the manipulator here. Hold on to that simple truth, okay?

I've just read this thread and am gobsmacked. I really empathise with you houmous and can see that everyone is behind you WHATEVER you decide but is there anyone in rl you can confide in? It might help. Right now it's still his dirty little secret and you are very much fighting this on your own albeit with the whole of mn holding your hand. Anyway, hugs. X