came across a few interesting texts, now what?

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

If children are at school/preschool, just go and see a solicitor and start the ball rolling.

No more cooking, washing etc - you're separated, he deals with his own stuff.

Keep telling him you don't care what his excuses are, he's simply not good enough for you anymore- if he ever was! You're done.

Say you'll talk next when he's willing to thrash out the separation.

Any HINT of him losing his rag - call the police. Might get him out of the house!

It will be ok. Never, never try again with this turd - you're simply wasting precious time.

Just read your thread. You have shown nothing but strength and dignity, even after reading awful details. I am in awe of you and you will be okay.

He wouldn't lay a finger on me, I hit him back harder!

Ive just stupidly text ow, says he's told me every thing, I hope their shag was worth it.

Feeling very silly now, but just a kiss really?!

I just want the fucking truth!!!!!!!!

Im so fucked up, was hoping id feel better not worst

I've just read through this whole thread. You have been nothing but dignified and strong throughout the whole thing, you can be very proud of yourself for the way you have handled it. Your DCs are lucky to have such a brilliant mum.

Wishing you all the best.

hi

you sound like a very strong woman and he doesnt deserve you. Whether or not he's slept with these OW, kissed, or flirted....it's all innappropriate and a form of infidelity one way or another.

My ex-OH has been having online/phone/internet affairs for 7 years. Some of his relationships were only flirtatious, some friendly, some sexual, and who knows what else. I know for sure he met some in person and has definitely slept with one.

I applaud you for contacting the OW....i have done the same. If we can't get the truth from him, then we must get it ourselves. I completely understand that!

Possibly, as in my situation, the OW did not know of me or thought our relationship was broken/failed/over. I think that they must have known in some way that things didnt seem right with him but then again, i ignored my intuition for a long time as well.

I hope you find your answers, whatever you are looking for and that you take care of yourself and your little ones.

All the best to you

Eurgh!!! This frustrates me so much OP, how men do this astounds me! Mine did exactly the same. Same excuse of all talk and no action, but I put it to mine like this...after what can only be described as a 'campaign' of attracting women for this period of time, am I really to believe that you were totally unsuccessful at getting anywhere?...I dont know exact numbers and I dont know exact actions, just like you, but I know im nit an idiot and my feelings and instincts arent off centre. And neither are you. Men have been caught having affairs for years, not by mobile phones or emails because self absorbed men have existed before technology, but by actions, behaviour and by being the person that they are deep down. Irrespective of what he says, your husband has turned you in to a person you dont want to be. You are snooping. You are distrustful. You undoubtedly feel worse about yourself and the soab had the utmost disrespect by sending a photo of your dd! He has made you feel all of the things you feel right now, not you. Not the bullshit excuse about you work. Not the bullshit 'lonely' excuse. Just him and his arrogance.

Mine was outed while I remained cool as cucumber in the pub. I told him everything I knew like he'd just asked me the time. I then asked him if t wanted to leave. I repeated myself until I was bored of saying it and then I lay down the rules about how he vould live under my roof and in my presence aslong as he was willing to deal with the person he had turned me in to. That was over a year ago, in which I have screamed until I was hoarse, thrown him out, taken him back, cut up his favourite clothes, ended any good relationships I had with his friends because I dictate hia social life and I dont trust him. I am in short, a nightmare. I dont want to be that way. But I cant let my kids think I gave up when I still had a small amount left in me to try.

I am a strong person. But you are unreal! How you have lived for days with him and had all of this go on and waited to say something I do not know! Hats off! You should run an anger management group. But as strong as you are you arw not made of stone. I will remember what mine did u til my dying day and I will always feel a pang of despair when I remember it daily! Please take care of yourself. I am an example of what you dont want to be shen you think being together is better than not. You are capable of amazing things. Dont let him hold you back.

please leave. pleasve realise you are a stong indivdiual. please accept that there is nothing you can do to change this man. look at yourfself and be stronf for yoy and everything else will follow.

Thank you all.

Ive had patchy sleep and bad dreams.

He's text me from the spare room the usual sorry I will show you etc

Thinking if he doesn't go I will on Thursday, kuds pets the lot.

I was stupid to think I wouldn't be hurting this much now. I didn't consider it would be this painful

I can't believe he didn't leave. YY to getting ball rolling on legal advice. If he tries to draw you further today- just repeat that you would like him to leave. Stay strong.

Tell him you deserve far more than this sleazy lying wanker and that its over.

If he was really sorry and wanted to prove it was just a kiss/flirty banter, he would have shown you all his emails, texts and online chats.

Actions speak much louder than words.

Get legal advice and in the meantime do NOTHING for this man - no washing, cooking, shopping etc.

Tell him if he's really sorry and wants a new start he'd show some damn respect by doing as you ask and leaving, at least for now, to give you some space. And yes he'd let you have free rein over his emails and texts - though he'll also have deleted any he doesn't think you should see by now.

You have more than enough evidence to know he's a lying cheating faithless arse. TBH I'd see a solicitor sooner rather than later. Life is too short to live this way, and it isn't just one woman/affair which might be recoverable from, it's an attitude that he is entitled to cheat.

I am so sorry Humous -but can't he see that even a kiss has crossed the line from something more than friendship?
I think he is going to minimise this and try win you round. He is already blaming you for his actions, he was lonely ( you left him alone-working WTF)..
I wonder how he would have felt if it was the other way round.
Stay strong.

Completely agree with you all.
He us definitely minimising (I told I knew he was!).

As for telling me about the kiss (he coukf have read this off a script) "I was on a night out, she persude me and kissed me. That was it" (god I wish he wad ponoccio!)

So that was it but you continued to just have flirty texts with her for over a year after (she kept chading him, apparently) - b.shit!!

He's already got up with the kids, brought me coffee in bed (cos thst will make me say oh go on you can stay).
Just getting ready, make up on snd face the day.
First job giving him his own laundry basket!

Thanks again for all your support x x x

Stay strong Houmous!

Flirting and kissing is breaks the trust and respect you relationship should be built on. He's cheated and that's that, don't let it become a grey area as it doesn't need to be.

Please don't doubt yourself. You've already given him lots of chances. He used his last one a long time ago! You can move on without it...and you will be all the better for it. I'll be thinking of you today!

Why do they think a cup of coffee or tea will make you want them to stay?! Talk about following the cheater's script.

Re the minimising - it is not just one OW, it sounds like he is a serial cheater. No way did he stop at one kiss and then it was back to flirty texts.

Be strong x

Read this thread, my word, what a sleaze he's been.

A selfie with a picture of DS in the background he uses on a dating website, that has to be one of the horrible things I have read on MN.

Hope when this all comes out you'll get proper support from rl friends and DM & DSis will wake up. I think deep down you knew a long time ago H was on borrowed time, yet a tiny part still hopes this is all salvageable, hence wanting proof to convince yourself as much as others.

Forgive me for saying, your dad probably thought he'd seen you safely married to the man you loved. Without knowing him I bet he was 10 times the H yours could ever be, it would sicken your DF to hear this man has broken your heart, whether or not he slept with all these women.

Good luck OP, there's no saying whether H will carry on or one day walk without warning, so do take control back.

(PS Presents, empty meaningless gestures more like - how much has he spent on going on the prowl and on his OW, never batting an eyelid?).

A cup of coffee!! Wow, what a keeper.

Best of luck, stay strong.

Stay strong, you are worth more than the lies he has given you.

The truth? What one's that? What he says to each of the many women he's involved with? The stuff he tells himself? The person he pretends to be to everyone else?

The TRUTH is what you already know. He's a worthless man who cheats and lies like breathing. There is no truth! Who cares exactly what he's done on x y and z evening? Is the location of a truly worthless penis which has the misfortune to be attached to a truly worthless man of interest to anyone?

Forget about him!

The important stuff is AHEAD of you. Right, getting shot of him - is it your house? If rented, yes MOVE OUT asap with kids, pets and the Christmas tree if you can. If owned - got equity? Etc. etc. Take legal advice, spend your energy on PLANNING for a great future rather than picking the meaningless scab of what he has been up to. It's really, really not worth your time. Is he important in your life anymore? NO. Then what he's done - make that of little or no interest to you. It certainly doesn't reflect on you at all - you could be anyone - and he'll move on to another 'you', again and again and again until he's alone.

'BREAKING NEWS: Cheating lying bastard continues cheating and lying'

Boring!

YOU on the other hand and what you and your children do next - concentrate on that!

His behaviour is disgusting, I feel so bad for you OP.
I hope you find the strength to get shot of this loser because I personally don't think he's going to change in the long run.
If I've read properly, this was his 3rd chance wasn't it. You have given him more than enough opportunities to redeem him self from his past behaviour, what an idiot he is for blowing them.
Stay strong OP

Houmous- listen to your instincts and be strong

This was me 4 years ago. Husband has lied and cheated all that time, but as I never had proof I just put my head in the sand and thought that he wouldn't possibly do it
Everything I found, he denied. It was never quite enough
I wish I had left him when he first starting lying, I think it wouldn't hurt as much now.
It's the deceit that's the worst, the making up stories without batting an eyelid

Yes this was chance number 3.

He's still not budging. I barely say a word to him.

He asked if we could talk when the kids have gone to bed. I said we could (but its not going to change).

Told him this was his laundry basket, he didn't say a word. But has just put a wash on for himself.

I've booked to have my nails done (which is only usually a special occasion thing). When I told him (do he can look after the kids) he said I don't mind paying (well if you're going to pay for me to have my nails done, you're welcome back in my bed)

House is owned and I don't want to move out (DS preschool in the village and friends), if I do go it will have to be my mums and thats over half an hour away. He on the other hand could go to his parents and be closer to work.

Staying remarkably strong.
Thanks once again for your support x

You do not have to move out - make an appointment to see a solicitor.

He really thinks you will sweep this under the carpet yet again. Make it real by telling people in RL and getting legal advice etc.

Not much to add, but just wanted to say that if your relationship isn't right, then you're definitely best to split. I did, and have a much better life now than I could ever have had. Stay strong

Don't move out. Get legal advice, but if you take primary responsibility for the kids (and I note he's being made to do his own laundry now, but not for a moment has it crossed anyone's mind to ask him to do his share of theirs...) then he can be made to move out as part of a divorce settlement. Stability for the children is the essential, here. He can try to refuse all he likes but you have ample grounds for an unreasonable behaviour petition and that can be granted at nisi level in weeks. At which point he has to negotiate on what the financial settlement will be and if you can afford to stay in the house with the kids, out he goes. Like it or not.

What an utter waste of space he has shown himself to be. I'm so sorry.