Am I paranoid or could he be cheating?

[amijustparanoid]

DH and I went to his works summer party on Friday night and something that I witnessed with him and a female colleague has been bothering me ever since. When we got there he seemed to make a big effort to sit us on the same table as her - throughout the meal she seemed ok, they were friendly but not overly friendly but later on when I was away from the table I saw him get up and move seats to sit next to her (it was late and people had started to move around/leave so at that time it was only those two at the table) and as he sat down he squeezed her thigh. It was very quick but it definitely happened. Then as I was watching they sat and chatted and while chatting he was helping himself to her drink. She didn't seem to react to either and didn't look surprised at what he was doing.

When I asked him about it on the way home he denied it had happened and when I brought it up again yesterday and said I'd definitely seen him do it and I thought it was inappropariate, he made light of it and said he was drunk and would just have been being friendly. I said I wasn't comfortable with him being that 'friendly' with another woman - especially one that he spends all day at work with but now he says I'm being ridiculous.

What do you think? Would you do something like this if drunk even if there was nothing going on with the person? He says the drink thing is nothing but I wouldn't help myself to someone elses drink unless we were close and used to sharing.

My friend thinks he was being a drunken idiot and says that if there was something going on with her then he would have tried to keep us apart and not sit us with her but I can't shake how uneasy it's made me feel. Before that night I had no suspicions anything was wrong, I'd never even heard of her before but now I'm sitting here dreading tomorrow knowing that he'll be with her all day at work.

Am I being silly over a couple of minor things or would this bother you?

When he comes back forgive - she may not want to forgive esp if he runs into the arms of another woman.

It's not necessarily easier to work on a marriage than start a new life if the marriage is a complete mess, we all have our limits and for me an affair would be the deal breaker, I'd be more than happy to start a new life with a new man in that case.

"Be extra nice to him???"

Are you serious?!!!!

He'd have his testicles stuffed up his rectum in my house. No one treats me like that. He'd be out on his ear if he thought for one moment he cold behave in that way. It astounds me the lack of self-respect some women have.

I take on board some of your points debiliem58 and I am sorry if you have had your share of heartache. But the trouble with the "be nice or it'll drive him into the arms of another woman" line of thinking is flawed imo. Off his own bat he has already wandered off the path.

Like him, OP works, she has the stresses of a home and 3 year old. Has it crossed his mind she too might think, oh to be fancy free and indulge in some me-time? Would he be 'extra nice' if he spotted her squeezing a colleague's thigh and drinking from his glass days before an away trip, let alone the daily high volume email traffic? If she meekly says nothing and adopts a oh well boys will be boys attitude he might imagine he is scot free to carry on.

Having tackled him he will not be in any doubt now she has put him on warning. If it is all still far short of anything physical he won't have the excuse of starting anything claiming his wife is indifferent or uncaring.

Deb is also to be found elsewhere on the site giving us the benefit of her 1950's viewpoint

Best ignored

How are things this evening OP?
Has your DH been on his phone as usual?
Hope you're okay.

I am going to play the devil's advocate here, but OP story is very similar to the way one of my past male colleague reacted to their female work colleagues, including me and there was definitely nothing untoward in it. It was friendly banter and I do not know anyone who is more happily married than this man. He would never cheat on his wife, he was just a bit 'touchy-feely' and liked a banter.

I can see why OP is suspicious but I don't think there is anywhere near 100% proof of guilt.

But the OP has said that her dh is not usually the touchy-feely type.

Things aren't good - all unravelled last night and he's admitted that he's too involved with her.

He came home from work, picked an argument with me then went out drinking with his brother and came home stupidly drunk. Tried to pick another argument saying I'd made this week hell for him by being obsessed with her (we only talked about her at the weekend and the night I read the emails, I haven't been going on about it all week). I got upset with how he was being and then he ended up changing his story and just blurted it out. He was very drunk and not making complete sense but said that I was right and he was too close to her.

I asked him if it had been physical, he said once, although they hadn't had sex. He didn't make much sense about how far they'd gone, said that they'd done 'some stuff' but apparently she'd stopped it. Said that since then they hadn't been physical again.

He seemed panicked about it all, was upset, said he can't lose me and dd over this, that she doesn't mean anything to him and he doesn't want to be with her

I don?t know what to do.

He slept on the sofa and I haven't seen him today as I was up early to take dd to an activity and now I've just dropped her at my Mums (was planned for her to stay there anyway). Know we need to talk more but not sure I can face it yet.

Oh dear.
Hugs to you. Be strong. We're here if you need us.

I have been thinking about this thread. I have a close male colleague who will give me a kiss ( on the cheek obviously) and says "love you" to me. I will probably be flamed for this but it honestly is totally platonic. I am friends with his wife and our children are friends. He is my closest work ally and I introduced him to the firm. He is like a sibling to me- I am an only child. I really value this male friendship. If anyone else wondered if something was up I would think it was hilarious.

What I am saying to you in this lengthy preamble is that it might be nothing. But agree trust your instincts. I could have lunch with this friend everyday and my answers to that Shirley glass quiz would always be fine. There are other male colleagues where I would keep my distance and a sudden interest in lunches and emails would be very weird. It's hard to explain and you can't put any scientific logic around it. But some relationships are just different.

Shit I missed your post.

And I'm sorry to say this but please know that he will minimise. He has already, after all. Earlier this week he'd "not really noticed her" or something along those lines. That was a lie.
And if he's saying she stopped 'it,' whatever 'it' was, going further, is he saying he would have otherwise? I'm afraid I don't believe him anyway.

So sorry to hear this. It always takes time for the truth to unravel in these situations. There may be more yet to come unfortunately. I feel for you. It is so very painful.

So, he "can't lose you over this?" Not really up to him anymore though, is it? And he should have thought of that before, anyway. And he was prepared to fool around and jeopardise your marriage with someone he doesn't even care much about? Charming.

Most cheaters minimise.

First off they are just work colleagues - ring a bell?
Then they had the odd lunch or two - ring a bell?
Then they are friends...
Then it was just a hug and a kiss...
Then well they were going to but stopped - ring a bell?
Then it was just the once...

Long point short they never ever seem to just say 'you got me we have been shagging like rabbits for the last 6 months.'

The really sad thing is if she did stop them going all the way that he didn't. He would have.

Right now you cannot believe him. He is going to say what he thinks he has to say to you to keep the cosy family he has.

She doesn't mean anything to him but he was interested enough to risk losing you and DD. It is only now he is saying that. It didn't cross his mind when he was trying to have sex with her.

Please go and get a full STI check out and don't go near him until he has too.

Good luck /hugs

I agree with those who say the drink sharing is the bigger worry. You only do that with people you are very intimate with

Thank god he's admitted something. Bear in mind this is all 'script' so far, automatic behaviour and conversation born out of the crisis. He probably has no idea how he really feels, who he wants to be with and he certainly will not be telling you the whole truth.

He has admitted enough so you know you weren't imagining this. Minimising is likely. I am glad DD is out so you can focus on what next.

He is aware he crossed a line. Confession is good for the soul but it doesn't mean he stops right there. Now the hard work begins.

You have handled this so well.

Anyone else feel sorry for this bloke, having his week 'made hell' for him by a paranoid wife 'obsessing' about realising that her husband is quite likely shagging someone else?

His self-absorption knows no bounds.

Just to show always trust your instincts. So sorry

I agree that he is still minimising.

How awful that it was her who stopped things from going any further and not him.

Please remember NONE of this is your fault - even if there were relationship issues, he could have talked to you, dragged you to relate rather than choose to have an affair.

And remember he chose to throw away his marriage - so what happens next is YOUR decision.

You trusted your instincts and were right.

Am so sorry OP.