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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please help me respond sensibly!? FURIOUS

73 replies

omgitcantbetrue · 20/07/2013 19:56

When dh and I met he told me about a female friend of his who had an obsession with him!?

In between girlfriends he would get together with her.I think he took advantage .By all accounts she had an obsession.Many of his friends confirmed some very odd behaviour.

When we decided to have a family I made it clear I didnt want this woman around .It was agreed.

He has told me that he has used her in the past when relationships broke down.He is not proud of this, but that is how it is .

100% by accident I saw a text on his phone from her last night.It turns out that he has been in touch for a couple of weeks.Gone to the establishment she works at with a mutual friend and have been in touch.She asked him for an item he sells and he obliged.Essentially the friendship has restarted without my knowledge.

How does a sane normal person react to this please

OP posts:

Hassled · 20/07/2013 20:00

Well, she approached him, rather than vice versa, presumably a lot of time has passed since they were shagging, he hasn't seen her alone. Yes, he should definitely have told you but presumably didn't because he knew you'd be livid rather than because he has any bad intent.

So be cross, but unless you really really think there is bad intent then don't be furious. He fucked up in not telling you, but that's the extent of it.

MrsWolowitz · 20/07/2013 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheerfulweather · 20/07/2013 20:02

It might just be a one off and not the restarting of the friendship.

Ask him.

Pancakeflipper · 20/07/2013 20:02

Ask him "and how is obsessed ? Are they well ?"

Thisisaeuphemism · 20/07/2013 20:03

I would be furious. You both know exactly what she represents to him and going to her place of work displays interest.

Does he know you know? How do you want to approach this?

Thisisaeuphemism · 20/07/2013 20:06

Ah he knows you know.

Well how does he explain inviting this mad obsessive who he uses for sex back into his life?

ImperialBlether · 20/07/2013 20:09

This thing he sells. How long would it take her to find someone else to sell her the same thing?

Did she approach him? If so, how did she have his number?

ImperialBlether · 20/07/2013 20:10

Also, what was the order of events? Now that he's seen her and she wants this thing (sure it's not drugs?) will they have to meet again?

lunar1 · 20/07/2013 20:11

I'd be pissed off too, what excuses is he giving?

LEMisdisappointed · 20/07/2013 20:11

See, this is a man who used a woman for sex who he knew really liked him was obsessed with him (how big is his ego??) He sounds like a catch I wouldn't trust him as far as i can throw him, he clearly doesn't have much regard for women

Original poster

omgitcantbetrue · 20/07/2013 20:14

He approached her as a mutual friend who was in town wanted to visit her work place.He chose to go.The item she requested could have been ordered online.She is saying she can help him promote the item .

OP posts:

Twirlyhot · 20/07/2013 20:17

'He approached her as a mutual friend who was in town wanted to visit her work place'

So he used her again? He could have told the friend he didn't have a contact there. He chose to get back in touch.

Twirlyhot · 20/07/2013 20:19

Do you know for sure that the friendship ever stopped?

Original poster

omgitcantbetrue · 20/07/2013 20:19

I know he chose to get back in touch.That is why I am so upsed.I genuinely do not know how to respond.To me this feels like a major breach of trust.

OP posts:

Original poster

omgitcantbetrue · 20/07/2013 20:21

I forget to say that initially when i saw the text he said it was because he bumped into her and she asked for the item.

It was this afternoon when I couldnt help myself and checked his emails that he had gone to her place of work, that she was offering to promote his item.

OP posts:

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 20/07/2013 20:31

so he's not being honest with you
?

add that to the fact he has been very clear that he gets in touch with her when his relationships falter and i think you are going to need to have a very honest and possibly painful conversation.

how many times has he resumed contact with her that have not coincided with a relationship he is in ending? either shortly before or shortly after he seeks her out to bring her back into his life?

hes also really cruel to repeatedly treat her like that.

Ahhhcrap · 20/07/2013 20:32

I'd be furious for several reasons

He contacted her
He chose to go to her workplace
He dripfed info (you wouldn't have known if you hadn't looked)
He didn't tell you

I think you should be furious IMO. I'd nip it in the bud now and tell him it's unacceptable

kalidanger · 20/07/2013 20:37

In between girlfriends? Obsession with him??

She was his girlfriend.

Fairenuff · 21/07/2013 09:58

They were/are friends with benefits.

He is keeping secrets from you.

He is going against your agreement and seeing her behind your back.

He is treating both of you really badly.

Original poster

omgitcantbetrue · 21/07/2013 12:21

I am in tears and so hurt.
What would you do in this situation.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2013 13:06

I hate the way he admits to using her. She clearly liked him and he used her? What a way to treat someone.

And now he's back in touch with her, after promising you he wouldn't.

He kept it secret and when found out, lied.

Whether anything has happened (I suspect it's more that it would have happened, rather than has happened), he doesn't sound a very nice man.

Do you have children together?

Have you found him to be a liar in other ways? Have there been times when you've suspected he's been lying?

antimatter · 21/07/2013 13:14

I would make sure kids are out of house or go with him somewhere where children won't hear and asked him if he has anything to tell you.

If he won't ask him if he been in touch with ex.
Why is he breaking agreement.

try to keep it under control and not to argue about the rest of your relationship - just keep it simple and if possible simplify questions so he only has to answer YES or NO

Not sure if at this stage you can expect him to put thing straight - but you need to have his version of events.

What you are going to do with it is another matter.

MissMarplesBloomers · 21/07/2013 13:18

She is his FWB when he is feeling horny, she is obsessed with him and sadly lets him use her.

He is being a shit to both of you IMHO.

Sorry no other advice but this would be a deal breaker for me, if he is seeing her, as with their mutual lusty background I doubt they'd just meet for a coffee!!

TheSecondComing · 21/07/2013 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NettleTea · 21/07/2013 13:24

ah, but Second you have maintained a friendship with this man, and it sounds as if your friend has been open about this with his wife.
OPs husband ONLY seems to visit this girl when he wants a bit, as he knows she is a sure thing that boosts his ego, and will always willingly oblige. Theirs is not a long term friendship which had a benefit, it is ONLY a benefit. Besides it was agreed that he would never contact her again, and has lied about the how and why's.

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