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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

please help me respond sensibly!? FURIOUS

73 replies

omgitcantbetrue · 20/07/2013 19:56

When dh and I met he told me about a female friend of his who had an obsession with him!?

In between girlfriends he would get together with her.I think he took advantage .By all accounts she had an obsession.Many of his friends confirmed some very odd behaviour.

When we decided to have a family I made it clear I didnt want this woman around .It was agreed.

He has told me that he has used her in the past when relationships broke down.He is not proud of this, but that is how it is .

100% by accident I saw a text on his phone from her last night.It turns out that he has been in touch for a couple of weeks.Gone to the establishment she works at with a mutual friend and have been in touch.She asked him for an item he sells and he obliged.Essentially the friendship has restarted without my knowledge.

How does a sane normal person react to this please

OP posts:

Report

TheSecondComing · 21/07/2013 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

omgitcantbetrue · 21/07/2013 13:31

He says it was all an organic meeting with no ill intentions.That he has no intentions.We have two children.

However to my mind he has er established the friendship behind my back and been exchanging emails.I would know nothing had I not seen the messages.

He chose to turn up at her work place
He chose to sell her the item
He chose to ask her advice on another matter ..Essentially opening the door to the friendship.

OP posts:

Doha · 21/07/2013 14:20

Have you said to him what you just posted Omg?

What was his reasoning for NOT telling you?
Did he ever have any intention of telling you?
Why did he have to contact Her and only HER for advice.

I think he was looking for a way to re establish contact especially with the secrecy involved

omgitcantbetrue · 21/07/2013 14:27

Yes.We have talked about what I have posted

It turns out that he has been going to her place of work for a while, for a service they provide although not at her shift time.The emails started when they bumped into each other there a couple of weeks ago.

He says he needed the service they provide...This service is easily available from many other places.

I also think he was looking for ways to re establish the friendship.

OP posts:

omgitcantbetrue · 21/07/2013 20:10

He just keeps repeating that he has not cheated.I don't feel like I am over reacting.

OP posts:

Doha · 21/07/2013 20:26

You are not over reacting.
He has re established contact and kept it a secret from you. If he hasn't cheated (and l don't know if this is true or not) the secrecy would make me wonder if he was intending cheating at some point in the future.

He is guilty by omission. I would be livid and wondering just what his intentions were if he had not been caught.

omgitcantbetrue · 21/07/2013 20:39

Exactly.

He is making me feel as if I am blowing things out of all proportion and has even said...It's full moon tonight?
Insinuating I have the crazies.

It just fucks me of so much and like I said I dont know how to react at all.I am seething with anger and feel betrayed.

OP posts:

MissStrawberry · 21/07/2013 20:47

I was going to post and say don't over react and make this something it isn't but having read the following posts it is clear

he has lied to you
wants to see this woman even though he knows you don't like it
he is trying to make you doubt yourself by insinuating you are over reacting.

DistanceCall · 21/07/2013 20:56

Perhaps he feels sorry for her? After all, he didn't treat her very well and he might be trying to make it up to her now by being friendly (given that, as you say, this woman is slightly off the rocker).

AngryFeet · 21/07/2013 21:00

I doubt the woman is/was obsessed/crazy etc. Just young and in love with a man who was a twat. Sorry been there and done that. I doubt he has cheated tbh. Sounds like a genuine work thing and he didnt think to mention it or knew you would get upset. He should have told you but dont assume the worst.

myroomisatip · 21/07/2013 21:00

DistanceCall You really think so?

myroomisatip · 21/07/2013 21:01

Really?

omgitcantbetrue · 21/07/2013 21:03

Even if IF he felt sorry for her or it was a work thing(grabbing at straws here as the work they do is so unrelated) He has lied and been texting for weeks.Asking for favours and deepening ties BEHIND MY BACK.

OP posts:

Thisisaeuphemism · 21/07/2013 21:13

"when we decided to have a family I made it clear I didn't want this woman around. He agreed."

Yet he unilaterally decided to get back in touch - to bring the " crazy" woman back into his life. I would be furious. Why does he say he's done it? Why is this 'friendship' more important than you?

InTheRedCorner · 21/07/2013 21:14

I would be furious to. If it is as innocent why hasn't he told you as soon as he started going to her work let alone texting her.

Inoccent people don't hide things from their loved ones.

notanyanymore · 21/07/2013 21:27

Absolutely he's been an arse. 'oh its a full moon' is such a weak attempt at side stepping his own mistake. Him hiding it, and now trying to make out your the one in the wrong because you discovered his betrayal, is very very low.
I think, if your strong enough, you need to make a clear demonstration of how unacceptable this is for you. He if won't except that, then he needs to leave.

omgitcantbetrue · 21/07/2013 21:46

He point blank refuses to accept that regularly going to her work place ( not during her shift) is an attempt to re establish the friendship.

He point blank refuses to admit that going there with his friend is an opening the hand of friendship.

All the texts only happened because he put himself there.He just keeps repeating like a broken record that he didn't cheat and had no intention.

OP posts:

Doha · 21/07/2013 21:54

Well why the secrecy especially after he agreed no more contact when you had your family? Ask him that--he broke an agreement. He cannot deny that.

notanyanymore · 21/07/2013 21:58

So he's choosing to ignore the actual issue that he's gone behind your back and lied by omission by trying to switch the attention to whether he's had a physical relationship with her?
If that's all he's got to offer he might as well shut up, he's clearly missing the point completely! Do you think he's missing it on purpose? (Sounds like it to me, but obviously that's only going by what's on this thread)
It sounds like he just doesn't want to face up to/admit to having done something damaging to your relationship.

omgitcantbetrue · 21/07/2013 22:20

notanymore That is exactly how I feel.I have told him to just stop talking to me unless he wants to address the issue instead of all the denial and subverting attention.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 21/07/2013 22:24

But he has cheated. You had an agreement and he broke it. He broke the rules, that's cheating.

I agree with notanymore, he is missing the point completely. He agreed not to see her and now he is seeing her.

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 21/07/2013 22:36

Have you directly asked him if he has cheated?

Because to me if someone kept repeating they haven't cheated without even asking that question, they are practically admitting that they have.

I hope he isn't though, because that would be devastating. He sounds like a complete arse to be honest with you. Using this woman for his needs in the past, being so brazen to mention it and say she was obsessed. He obviously thinks a lot of himself.

If that's what they did, why else would he want to get back into contact with her?

Has there been any other problems in the relationship recently, that might mean he is wanting to go to her due to 'a failing relationshi' or is it just out of the blue?

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omgitcantbetrue · 21/07/2013 22:45

He is saying that although he did take advantage of her feelings they were primarily friends and that they had been friends for a long time.That he is in a different headspace, has a family and not interested in a sexy reunion.

Our relationship has not been easy of late, so obviously this stinks.
Having read the texts and emails I don't think they have done anything physical, but it is still a betrayal.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 21/07/2013 22:53

What did he say about lying to you and breaking your agreement. What does he say to the fact that you cannot trust him to keep his word in future?

Roseflowers · 21/07/2013 22:53

I think if you want to move on from this the only real way is to tell him that all contact with her and popping into her workplace (if she is there or not) has to stop. If she is nothing to him and he's just doing a bit of business it will be nothing to him to do this for you, his wife and the person he loves. For what it's worth I don't think he has done anything with her (though it could have been on the cards) but I'd keep an open mind about it as you are at the moment.

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