please help me respond sensibly!? FURIOUS

[omgitcantbetrue]

When dh and I met he told me about a female friend of his who had an obsession with him!?

In between girlfriends he would get together with her.I think he took advantage .By all accounts she had an obsession.Many of his friends confirmed some very odd behaviour.

When we decided to have a family I made it clear I didnt want this woman around .It was agreed.

He has told me that he has used her in the past when relationships broke down.He is not proud of this, but that is how it is .

100% by accident I saw a text on his phone from her last night.It turns out that he has been in touch for a couple of weeks.Gone to the establishment she works at with a mutual friend and have been in touch.She asked him for an item he sells and he obliged.Essentially the friendship has restarted without my knowledge.

How does a sane normal person react to this please

[tightfortime]

Did it ever occur to you that her 'obsession' is actually his? That he has twisted it to look like she was the one available and that he used her when in fact, it might be the complete opposite?

Maybe he has always had a thing for her and she has 'used him' when it suited her? Maybe she got on with her life and thinks its ok to deal with him in a work related way after all this time? Is she aware of the ban he agreed to?

It seems to me that he initiated this, not her.

Why can't he give her up? Especially as you specifically said this was part of the having kids deal?

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

So in the past, he has always resumed contact with her when a relationship has ended? When it's actually ended or when he's checked out of it but is still technically with the other person?

And your relationship with him has not been great lately and you find out he's sought her out?

She who he seeks out at the death of all his previous relationships?

I am not surprised that you are so upset. I would be too.

You need to tell him that based on his previous pattern of behaviour, this is worrying and you need some assurances, not to be dismissed and made to feel like you're overreacting.

[nkf]

Did you say that he contacted her? So, it wasn't her trying to keep in touch. And he went to her work place?

He sounds interested in her. I don't think it was necessarily true that in between girlfriends, he used her.

I'm not surprised you are worried. Can you deal with what is going on between you and him? While keeping a beady but discreet eye on what may be going on between him and her.

[Fairenuff]

At the very least he has to stay far away from her and her workplace. If he won't do this happily then I think you have your answer OP. He thinks that he can do what he likes and whatever promises he makes you are just hot air.

[MorrisZapp]

I think there's quite a lot of wild speculation on this thread. The girl probably wasn't crazy, the husband probably isn't shagging her or intending to.

I see why it's not great, but I think you can sort this one out without it becoming world war three. Keep talking to your DH, tell him why you're upset but leave out the wild theorising.

[Dahlen]

I'd be tempted to invite her round for dinner and see what she's like for myself. Your DH's reaction to this would be interesting. But that's me, and I have a long history of having friends of the opposite sex myself, as do my partners.

Personally I've never had a problem with partners remaining on friendly terms with Xs and the sort of contact your DH has with this woman would not even register with me - but that would be assuming that it was all out in the open, which this of course has not been. Done in secrecy means either he's being economical with the truth, or you have a problem with trust.

What gets me about this is that if he is telling the truth about this woman's 'obsession' with him, then he is not a nice person. THe kindest thing to do would have been to avoid all contact with her and keep it to an absolute minimum if unavoidable. If he's capable of disregarding her in such a way, plus lying to his DW with ease, what else is he capable of?

[omgitcantbetrue]

I am friendly with his exes as he is with mine.I have friends of the opposite sex as does he.The difference here is the history and her ongoing feelings towards him....Now the secrecy and lying.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

He sounds like a user. He sounds like he disregards other people's feelings in order to get what he wants and do what he wants. He did it to her (and he freely admits it) and now he's doing it to you.

He sounds not very nice OP.

[omgitcantbetrue]

I don't even know what to say any more .
We have been arguing for days.
He is adamant that although he could have handled it better he has no intentions of being with her, that he could have been with her in the past and is not intenested.

He maintains that visiting her work place( not at her shift time was convenient to him as it is the closest.That I am over reacting, that attending work place with friend means nothing , and that selling her this thing is useful for his work.Furthermore he is saying that the "ban on the friendship" is ridiculous, but he is happy to maintain distance for me.

It is like he is putting the whole thing on me.I am tired and don't feel great.

Just wanted to say thanks for all your help and advice!

[BellEndTent]

And now he is calling you crazy as he once did her. Eek.

[Fairenuff]

Well at least you know. He is not going to cut contact with her. You have two choices, either put up with it or vote with your feet.

[FairhairedAndFrustrated]

Does she work in a pub & he uses their free wifi?

completely irrelevant

[runningforthebusinheels]

I don't like the way he's putting this back on you, and calling you crazy. The way he called the fwb 'obsessed' in the the past. He's a little too belittling of women's emotions imo - especially when those emotions are caused/fuelled by his actions.

If it was innocent why did he keep it secret? You say you and dh are going through a hard time at the mo - I'd be extremely suspicious that the 'benefits' part of the relationship with this woman weren't about to start up again.

Sorry.

[notanyanymore]

He seems to be way off track and still not addressing the issue; that he went behind your back. IMO he seems to be trying to blindsight you by bringing in all this other crap when what really needs to be addressed is that he re-initiated contact going against a prior agreement/commitment you had made, and then kept this from you.
If he got back in contact as it was 'good for business' he should have spoken to you about this first. The problem is that, whether he fancies her or not, he's deceived you.

[lessonsintightropes]

TheSecondComing I am bloody glad you are not in my DH's life. Your priorities seem pretty odd to me. Don't you want your former FB to move on, and his wife to have some peace? Is there some problem with your own social life?

OP, sorry for thread-hijacking but I just thought this was outrageous. I also think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband and find out, honestly, what is going on.

[lessonsintightropes]

And having read for ages and lurked on many a thread Dahlen has advised on, I think her advice in every situation I have read about is spot on (and she comes from a very different perspective than I do!). I think inviting her for dinner, making it all above board as it were and treating her as a friend of you-the-couple rather than him-the-man would be a useful exercise in working out where the lines are. Sorry to bastardise your advice Dahlen as I don't think this is exactly what you meant.

[SolidGoldBrass]

He's no prize if he treats his friends this badly. He sounds like a man who doesn't really consider women to be human beings - this woman is 'obsessed' with him ie unhappy about the fact that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship with her. It's awkward and uncomfortable to have someone obsess over you when you are not interested; it's fine not to return another person's obsessive feelings for you but he knows she wants more than occasional sexual encounters, he's not prepared to offer her more than that but happy to stick his dick in her when he's bored? And to tell you all about this allegedly tragic, messed up woman who adores his Mighty Penis but to speak about her with such contempt/ He's really not very nice.

[omgitcantbetrue]

He is saying that to boil down the long friendship he has had with her to just her obsession is not a true reflection.That they have years of shared friendship and experiences.That he will drop the friendship for me.

This is not how it was presented to me at the start of our relationship.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

So he basically bullshitted about her "obsession" with him, made it seem to others that it was all coming from her side and belittled her feelings to someone else? Oh, he's a prince, isn't he?

[Fairenuff]

So he is now saying that he will stop seeing her?

[dontyouwantmebaby]

I'd be wary of any man who claimed his female friend was 'obsessed' with him. I don't think you have been getting the truth here, you've only been painted whatever picture of their relationship/friendship that he wants you to see.

So he used her in the past and is not proud of it? Yet he agreed with you that he wouldn't continue with this friendship and now that you have found out he has gone behind your back on this, is trying to mark you out as the 'crazy' one (hmmm see a pattern developing here in his behaviour towards women?)

And so the onus over this 'friendship' is back on YOU, crucially, not him. So he can then blame YOU for being responsible for 'not allowing' him this friendship (and believe me, he will feel resentful bout it, if he doesn't already).

I'd bet this woman would have a very different tale to tell from his version of events. This all sounds very much like an ego-boosting trip for him, having women fighting over him. I think you have every right to feel furious with him.

[dontyouwantmebaby]

'having women fighting over him' - in his mind, I should add.

[IslandMoose]

Guessing at his motivations and past failings is a waste of time, really. You need to work out what you want. Do you want to end your relationship with this fool? If so, do so. If not, make the best of it - because he certainly won't be changing his behaviour in a hurry.