Dating - The Thread. Come and Share Care and Cheer!

[AWarmFuzzyFuture]

The Rules

1. Develop a thick skin;
   
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
   
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
   
4. Trust your gut instinct;
   
5. People vanishing, lying and being generally weird to you are not your fault
   
6. They should be trying to impress you
   
7. If it's not fun, stop

[ponygirlcurtis]

Hello all. Been lurking for a while. Am separated from my abusive husband, am living on my own with my two kids, and am dipping a toe in the water again with POF.

Been chatting to a seemingly nice bloke. He's funny, he's sweet. Yadda yadda. He's asked me on a date. I have said yes, and given him lots of places/times/general suggestions. But. He's got two kids - one lives with him, the other doesn't. So he needs to sort childcare. And he lives in another town about 7 miles away from me but doesn't drive.

Upshot is - he asked me out on a date three days ago. We are still messaging backwards and forwards trying to arrange something. I am banging my head in frustration sometimes.

So: is it worth putting in some effort to arrange something, or if it's hard work like this already is it better to walk away?

Disclaimer: I don't really want to walk away, I just would really like someone to kiss and hold me again, but I know, I know, I know...

[lubeybooby]

48 yes him. slowest burner ever but HUMMANA HUMMANA it's getting good now. I'm going to start calling him Henry now though because that's what I call him to my best mate. He actually has a name the same as far too many of the men I know but Henry suits him far better :o

It keeps getting better and HOLY COW he's a fast learner :o :o :o

Aw. I'm all soppy. Still not official though mind but we're getting a bit braver...

[lurkinglorna]

@ ponygirlcurtis

hello!

re: effort, i think i'd take a step back in a non-confrontational way, and just "leave it with him" rather than keep chatting and trying to pin a time down/practically help him out.

so just "ok, you know i'm up for meeting, let me know, bye". then the only reason he should contact you again is when he knows what he is doing HIMSELF re:childcare and transport and wants to check a day/time with you.

reckon you don't want to be dating someone who can't organise a simple meet without having his hand held, so its a bad sign if its already requiring too much of input on your part now.

as its first internet meet you don't know you're gonna click in person, so i wouldn't "stress" too much about it (easier said than done, of course you "hope" you'll click but no guarantee).

[ponygirlcurtis]

Thank you Lorna. I have tried to step back and leave it with him. It's not really worked. I think I know this is a non-starter, but I just sooooo want to have a connection with someone snog with someone that I am letting it go on. Anyway, seems that I have managed to get a day out of him - Sunday, if my DM can babysit my DCs - but as yet no time, or venue...

[ALittleStranger]

Now Ponygirl do you think that attitude is in line with the Dating Thread Rules? Being prepared to minimise or overlook behaviour because you want a connection snog is the way OD madness lies.

[TheTitleSaysItAllReally]

Hello ponygirl I'd do as suggested and leave it up to him to spell it out. Hard though when you crave it so much...

Do, no news whatsoever re Mr Unlovely. No response at all. I'm minded just to ignore now. If he texts me later at work I'm not sure what I'd say but the essence of it would be 'fuck off manchild'

I am a bit but its early days enough to feel relieved I dodged a bullet. Also relieved that my bullshit radar is working and finely tuned and set to high. That might be my past talking but I'm not ever going to be in a position where I'm the underdog in any relationship and that's what I felt he wanted. Someone said it earlier (can't scroll, on phone) that he wanted me to prove how much I wanted to see him etc. I didn't sleep much last night and thought lots and I think you're right. I totally do not have time for that even if I wanted to which I don't.

So, one to chalk up to experience and at least I got a Damn good shag out of it

[Bant]

More updates later

[ALittleStranger]

Hoorah Bant

[Kirstywirsty]

You can't do that bant spill!!!

[TheTitleSaysItAllReally]

bant hope it's more than just Dinner...

[hostesswithleastest]

The title sounds very sensible. Wish I could be so sensible.

On verge of cancelling date with mr non monogamous... I just feel really self conscious and horrible about body today and it won't go well....

[hostesswithleastest]

And yes please spill bant

[Blondie1969]

@ ponygirlcurtis

Have you suggested ringing to discuss. That may do two things. One provide a list of potential times and dates. As other people have said he cannot come up with somewhere he can get to and arrange childcare with reasonable notice then as others have suggested it may mean he cannot be bothered which does not bode well!!

Secondly sometimes a phone call (a short one) helps break the ice prior to meeting.

Good luck

[Bant]

Ok. So FrenchGirl has been here for a few days, we've toured the city, seen the sights, it's been pretty great. Sleeping in separate rooms.

It was getting a little weird with her wanting a cuddle on the sofa, walking round town linking arms or holding hands like a couple, long deep looks into each others eyes while talking about anything and everything.

She's doing online dating and meeting weird guys who lie about everything (see? The French men do it too) and they're either incredibly arrogant, or bitter, or just.. meh.

Yesterday, though, she went to hold hands and I said we really couldn't, because she knew how I felt about her and that wasn't helping. She said she saw me as a big brother, which is really not what a guy wants to hear, and I said so. So, out for drinks last night, dinner, met up with some friends of mine, I got chatting to some new people, we came back home at 3am and ended up talking a lot more.

She said she doesn't know if she can give me what I want, and I said, basically, fuck that. It's not about knowing, it's about trying. If she doesn't take a risk, she doesn't get any reward. She said the chemistry was there with me a bit and she loved me but why didn't I try to seduce her when she arrived? I've been friendly and sweet and nice since she came, and she loves me for it, but I'm acting like a big brother too.

So, we argued a bit last night, I went to bed before I said something I couldn't take back. Like 'why won't you just shut up and marry me?' which would be a Silly Thing to Say.

Then this morning I seduced her after coffee and before toast. It's changed things a bit. We're grinning at each other afterward, she's gone for a nap because she didn't sleep much last night.

I don't know what the future holds, I don't know if we can get together, I don't know whether I could try and get a relocation to Paris at some point, or what. But the chemistry is there, we make each other laugh a lot, I look after her, which she likes and says no one else could ever make her feel protected like I do.

But, Distance is a bugger. She's got a choice that she keeps going on trying to find someone better than me, at which point I'll go no contact with her, or we try and work out if we can make things work.

I get a feeling the next couple of days are going to hurt. But - no risk, no reward.

sorry I can't comment on everyone else's stuff, I haven't had time to read it all. Hello new people, hello old people. Love from hungaria

[joblot]

Good luck bant- nothing ventured, nothing gained. Just be mindful you may be a bit more emotionally vulnerable due to your divorce? Or not of course.

At least you get a jump or 2. Which is a damn sight more than I'm getting

[OhWesternWind]

Hi Pony - arranging things by text can be a nightmare sometimes and much easier to talk about especially if both of you are having to sort out childcare etc. I'd second giving him a call (maybe texting first to say you'll call to sort out arrangements) and I bet you will have it sorted in a few minutes.

Really sorry Title.

Bant whoo whoo whoo!!! Good start, anyway - you've cut through all the big brother bs and I'm really hoping you can work something out.

Feeling quite low and fed up today.

[OhWesternWind]

He did reply last night Rose so here I am back in the same position. Fed up with myself for being so stupid as I KNOW that getting back into something with this man is a bad idea.

[TheTitleSaysItAllReally]

I'm missing the texts though I have continued to be sensible and I have deleted the app that we used as IM as I only used it with him.

Still, I've had a gander at who's about on match. Started a couple of conversations so we'll see what's about there. I'm half tempted to put a profile up on POF too. Heck, I have a childfree, datefree weekend so what's the harm in it?!

[48howdidthathappen]

Off to Scotland shortly.

Now you all be bad. In a good way

[ponygirlcurtis]

Title I guarantee if you put a profile up on POF you'll be inundated with emails! And there might even been someone decent among them. Worth a shot maybe. You are worth much more than he has to offer. Better you found out now than further in.

Bant you are a smooth mover!!

Thanks for the advice, going to speak on the phone tonight I think. We've been chatting on POF, so not texting (I hate texting for that kind of thing too). I really don't think it's that he's not bothered i bloody hope not more that he can't seem to get his act together - he said his mum was unsure about babysitting in an evening because over the summer she's had his son all day as well - and other obstacles. Part of me thinks it will always be hard work with him, but I am trying to leave it all with him now, I've told him I'm free Sunday, he says he is too, I said he just needs to give me a time... and I'm still waiting! I just blinking well want him to organise this piss-up in the brewery because I am well up for a snog looking forward to our date now.

[scrazy]

Bant, the situations sounds very similar to me and LT, except of course it's he who 'carn't give me anymore'. It's infuriating and makes me feel that I'm not even worth a try. There isn't a distance problem for us, well not in miles anyway.

OWW, with Alpha, I would suggest that when he says he had a great night etc, tell him in a jokey way that you are worried he doesn't fancy you. With LM, not sure, 'if it's still on your mind it's still in your heart', It would have taken a will of steel to not reply. You don't have to act on it, if he wants to meet up, ask if anything will change.

Nothing happening with me, except LT wants to meet up. I will bite the bullet and say not unless something changes. I know the answer anyway but I'm feeling OK about it, just get pangs of longing, sometimes.

[scrazy]

Sorry, forgot my manners, hi to everyone else.

[Newstart13]

99 messages in a day good going!

There's so much on here that I can't really touch the sides but I will try..

*48 enjoy Scotland
oww hmmm. A jokey 'do you fancy me' could work? But only if you're not so fed up you dont want to hear a negative or worrying answer... Re LM don't beat yourself up. Just be careful I think, it's soooooo hard when you care for someone and want them to have changed...
bant really hope you're enjoying yourself. When does she leave? Really hope she wakes up and smells the coffee and stops facing around looking for perfect whe. You are there
pony hope you are sorted after the phone call, good plan.. If not, at least you tried
Title sounds frustrating.. A pof surf might help with insouciance (which I'm sure you already have in spades) and you're not committed to him...

I know I've missed loads but its been a busy day on here!

Date 3 with FP tomorrow - daytime again, barely any contact this week (mutual and no big deal) we'll see.. He's coming with me to something I wanted to go to anyway so it's sweet of him really, about a 90min drive for him, he's moved his golf game to Sunday to make it, and is picking me up - hope I'm worth it