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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating - The Thread. Come and Share Care and Cheer!

999 replies

AWarmFuzzyFuture · 18/07/2013 21:04

The Rules

  1. Develop a thick skin;
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
  4. Trust your gut instinct;
  5. People vanishing, lying and being generally weird to you are not your fault
  6. They should be trying to impress you
  7. If it's not fun, stop
OP posts:
OhWesternWind · 25/07/2013 20:29

Well the thing to do is what feels right for you Martini.

Would you feel better if you actually texted him to finish it, so you'd know he won't pop up on text or messenger or whatever? Of just leave it to fizzle out if he's not in the area for long?

pornstarmartini · 25/07/2013 20:31

I plan on just being a bit distant. We knew there wouldn't be contact this weekend. Then he knows I've got the kids so I'll be 'busy'. Then I just plan on making excuses till it fizzles out. He was meant to be here for 2 weeks. It's now been 6. I don't hold much hope of him leaving any time soon

Snapespeare · 25/07/2013 20:33

martini you don't have to go to the police if you don't want to. you are in control of this situation. if you want to talk to rape crisis, then i think you would find a lot of non-judgemental real-life support, but that is your decision. you don't have to do anything else that you don't want to do. i think youre probably in shock. if you are resolute about not going to the police, then treat yourself kindly for the next few days. we're here. Smile whatever you decide to do, you'll be supported.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 25/07/2013 20:35

martini, I'm sorry :(

OhWesternWind · 25/07/2013 20:36

Are you a bit worried about upsetting him if you tell him you don't want to see him? If you think he will just drift away if you keep making excuses them that's quite a painless way of doing it so long as you're going to be alright having contact with him.

pornstarmartini · 25/07/2013 20:41

Yes I'm worried that he will want to change my mind. I can handle contact with him but won't arrange to meet up with him. He did vanish for 3 weeks before. It only started up again as I agreed to meet for coffee. I didn't envisage a situation where we would be able to have sex. I do need to accept some responsibility for the situation as well. He might just have some kind of fetish but it's not me. Never dated a man who has made me feel fearful before.

OhWesternWind · 25/07/2013 20:57

Martini one thing you mustn't do is think any of this is your fault in any way at all. You said no, and that should have been an end to it and any decent bloke would have stopped, regardless of the circumstances. You have no responsibility at all for what happened.

Bant · 25/07/2013 21:07

Oww is completely right. It's not a case of 'he couldn't help himself' or mixed messages or something, any decent man would stop, apologise and be shamefaced by his behaviour. He's not a fucking gibbon.

People like him bring out the side of me that actually wants to go against my liberal nature and beat the shit out of them with a steak tenderiser. The wanker.

Winefiend · 25/07/2013 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pornstarmartini · 25/07/2013 21:10

Thank you everyone. Regardless of what we did before/after, I know there was one split second when he looked in my eyes and knew I was scared. I know he did. That was the point that he carried on and I decided to give in. That was when he should've stopped.

OhWesternWind · 25/07/2013 21:26

You're dead right, Martini, he should. For anyone to know that someone is frightened of them and wants them to stop, and then to carry on is just despicable.

I can fully understand why you gave in as you put it. I can imagine you were very scared about things escalating.

KinNora · 25/07/2013 21:45

I've read your other thread now Martini and I'm really very sorry you had to go through that experience - you did nothing wrong whatsoever, you said 'no', he carried on.
He sounds like an utterly loathsome human being.

I think OWW's suggestion of speaking to someone at Rape Crisis is an excellent idea, I've had no dealings with them personally but I'm sure they will be the best people to talk to.

T2710 · 25/07/2013 22:59

Haven't seen the other threat martini, but so sorry you had to go through that. What a nasty bastard!

Djangounhinged · 25/07/2013 23:43

Martini I did post on your other thread, but echo what others have said here since - here for support as and when you need it. Be kind to yourself.

My beach date happened after a while - met in a monsoon, drove him to a dodgy pub (I didn't want to get out of my car and in to his as my hair would have instantly frizzed) where we had a nice enough chat and a bite to eat. Then the rain cleared and we beach walked :).

Really nice guy, very open, straightforward and interesting, but no immediate spark.... Would quite like to see him again to see if anything develops, but he's not long out of a relationship and I suspect he's just looking for a new one and maybe isn't too fussy. I I was married to someone like that (more fool me) so this time, I want to be adored for being me, not just because I'm available!

Lorna, I want to be more like you :)

Bant - I agree with Snape, you're so getting laid tonight! Can't wait for the update!

joblot · 25/07/2013 23:47

What a piece of shit martini. Vile. Have you talked to anyone in rl about it?

Moving- sounds like you're disconnected. Is it worth bothering?

Snapespeare · 25/07/2013 23:57

ahw! my old flatmate that i introduced to my friend just over a year ago has just announced their engagement! Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin they're a lovely couple, i am so pleased < goes on diet>

Bant · 26/07/2013 06:52

Morning.

Not to sound peacockesque or anything, but I SO got laid last night.

Snapespeare · 26/07/2013 07:44

Knew it!

There are no end to my predictive powers today!

Djangounhinged · 26/07/2013 08:18

Nice one, Bant! No test of your honour, then? Wink

Kirstywirsty · 26/07/2013 08:42

Go bant .. I am a bit Envy

Hi everyone .. Last day in Crete for me and tomorrow is my date with FoF .. He said he was stressing about where to take me so i suggested a curry place in my home town ( where he comes from as well but now lives in another town about 20 mins drive away) We are also going kayaking on Monday .. That's if he doesn't die of shock when he sees me tomorrow .. I tried on the dress I have been saving for the date last night and it is too tight !! Blush

Bant · 26/07/2013 09:01

Django - I decided to give up on trying to demonstrate my trustworthiness when she took all her clothes off and climbed on top of me. At that point I thought I'd just be playing hard to get.

Djangounhinged · 26/07/2013 10:27

Love it Bant - although I am pretty Envy too!

Kirsty enjoy your last day of holiday - how lovely to be coming home to a date! I'm sure you'll blow him away whatever you decide to wear in the end Smile, is it not the case that most men don't tend to notice what you're wearing anyway? And you no doubt have a lovely tan show off in any case Wink

Btw I've just created a new profile on POF (not a spy one, a real one - clearly my date didn't go that well last night!) and there is an option to stop people from seeing that you've viewed their profile. So I've duly clicked it, and hidden my profile too.

Now, do I post up a new pic and message some people I've messaged before, but not had the right response? Or am I flogging several dead horses?

Happy Friday!

OhWesternWind · 26/07/2013 11:53

Well, I wrote a long post and lost it, am having trouble in this regard recently but think it is to do with being a bit distracted and scatty. Anyway:

Bant whoooo!!!!!

Kirsty you will look gorgeous whatever. You will be all tanned and happy and relaxed, perfect. Hope you have a lovely date with him.

Moving maybe it's time to say goodbye to these two as they have both been around a while and don't seem to be giving you what you need. It's difficult sometimes when they become a bit of a "fixture" though.

Django well that sounds alright, not great but alright - do you think you'll meet up again or was he one of the ones when you know definitely there will never ever be a spark? I'm not sure I'd go back over old ground with people I've already been in touch with but if there are a couple you really like the look of it could be worth a go.

Well, I am off out tonight with lovely Alpha. Looking forward to it very much. I know I've been on here moaning about the lack of action, which to be honest is pretty frustrating, but I do actually enjoy how things are at the moment going out and spending time with him and getting to know each other. I think he's really nice and he still seems pretty keen on me so it is all going well. I might have a chat with him about what's going on if the opportunity arises but don't want to make a big deal out of it. I would much rather it's this way than someone pestering me for sex all the time so we'll just see how things go.

Djangounhinged · 26/07/2013 13:11

OWW have a fab time this evening - it does all sound lovely in an old fashioned way, and I agree that it's nice when sex isn't the foremost thing on the agenda!

I'm still undecided about contacting Mr Orange from last night. I've so enjoyed chatting with him via text but the conversation didn't flow a lot of the time last night. He seemed really nervous at the beginning (which I initially took to mean he didn't fancy me, he could barely make eye contact!) so I'm torn between feeling like it's worth trying another meet to see if he is a bit more relaxed, and thinking "no, I need more of an alpha male to sweep me off my feet". I don't know if I'm being unrealistic?

lurkinglorna · 26/07/2013 14:31

mmmm....no right answer i reckon Django it depends on what other options you have or think you could find, what your schedule is like, how curious you are feeling?

you could meet up for a drink or two, see if he loosens up a bit with alcohol? maybe the fact that you've "expressed interest" by being up for seeing him again might spur him on in terms of confidence? was he physically attractive to you?

was he lacking in terms of expecting you to lead the conversation, suggest what to do next, not disagreeing with you?

and agree, some guys are a bit i dunno.... too scared of women and have that "vibe" of being rejected by the kind of women they want so will do anything just to "be in a relationship". not good!

its like they see you and cause you're social and physically ok, that's it....they want to put you in the "girlfriend" box. not appealing at ALL!