Victim of domestic violence asked to leave holiday park!

[ClementineKelandra]

Ill try and keep this as concise as possible.

I'm on holiday in Wales staying in a caravan. Last night about 11pm an argument started between a couple in the caravan nearby. I say argument but it was mostly a man shouting.

It quickly escalated and the women was screaming, she sounded terrified, and there were children screaming "mummy" too.

At this point I phone the police. Very quickly the security guards from the site turned up. The woman was sobbing , said she was ok and the security guards quickly left.

As soon as they'd gone the man left the caravan. Moments later the police turned up. They spent some time searching the site but eventually the man was found and arrested.

This morning the women was sat outside the caravan and I went over to check she was ok. She has a broken nose! :( the caravan was a bit messed up too. Several internal doors were off their hinges.

We talked for a while and she told me she'd been asked to leave the holiday park!! I Wa stunned at this but she said she was going to leave anyway as her and the dc didn't want to be there after everything that had happened the night before.

I couldn't stop thinking about her being told to leave and later that day I went to speak to the general manager of the site.

He confirmed that yes she had been asked to leaved because they had a zero tolerance policy on violent behaviour.

I pointed out to him that it was the man who had been violent, he'd assaulted the women, she is basically being punished for being the victim of a crime and by asking her to leave they were implying that she was in some way to blame for the mans behaviour.

We talked about it for quite a while and I tried several different ways to get my point across. To be fair he did really listen to me and tried to understand but basically he didn't get it.

He also trotted out the usually ill informed stereo types "women like that never want to press charges" etc.

I'm so angry. In one way does it really matter because she wanted to go home anyway?

But on the other hand if we don't challenge such ignorant attitudes towards domestic violence then nothing is ever going to change. I feel like I want to do something to make the holiday park realise how wrong their attitude is.

Sorry if this is a bit jumbled. Trying to keep it as short as possible.

Well done OP, wish there were more like you out there and fewer of the turn a blind eye or victim-blaming type out there.

Absolutely appalled and saddened by some of the statements from posters on this thread who have no idea at all about the psychology of a victim of DV, or the obstacles facing this poor woman in leaving her violent partner.

Nobody is ticking off Clementine here. Sorry you feel that way though.

You did a good thing calling for help for her.

I honestly think it is terrifying to be on the outside of DV. I have had to call both ss and police in the past for a neighbour. Not much anybody can do really when they keep getting back together again. My neighbour eventually got a restraining order on her boyfriend.

I am not victim blaming. I am trying to see it from the holiday park point of view. They have a duty of care to all their guests, not just one. And they need to avert a pr disaster, as well as guests cancelling and demanding their money back. In addition to having one caravan to repair, they could possibly face hundreds of guest demanding their money back for a ruined holiday due to violent thug repeatedly terrifying guests (children too) to get to his dp. The holiday park could lose thousands of pounds, and get in to financial trouble.

This sounds like a shocking incident, but there is only one person to blame and that is the partner. The camp manager does not have any emotional investment in his customer, and that is how it should be. If a bunch of rowdy people were loud and caused damage, the whole group should be evicted, not just the perpetrators.

I don't get why the holiday camp is being accused of being part of the problem here. They have policies in place. Managers are often told not to become emotionally involved in incidents, just like nurses, social workers etc

How I feel is neither here nor there.

You said the abused woman was "colluding with her partner" and implied that the abuser might come after OP and her family.

flippinada. Yes. I did say that. From the holiday parks perspective, this is the kind of thing they might wish to avoid. When their guards came to check on the woman, she said she was ok, so in their eyes could be seen to collude with her dp.

Wow absolutely shocking some of the comments on here. Some of you sound totally selfish.

Well done for standing up for the woman. I hope she finds the strength to leave him and soon.

I have all sympathy for this woman, and would gladly drive her myself to a refuge, TBH.

From the point of view of a business, like a holiday park, I might be asking myself if her partner was likely to return to assault her again (and trash the place again) and might consider whether she had pressed charges, or at least testified about his trashing the place.

However, it seems that the attitude of the manager was not simply of concern with business, but victim blaming. And so, shame on him.

OP, I hope you have pointed her in the direction of WA.

I dont think holiday park managers get any dv training. Maybe they should. Maybe there should be procedures in place to offer help and support to victims, in such places where families holiday. However, not everybody would want to accept the help, and I dont think you can force WA or SS on people based on what could be a one off. Or could you?

"I have all sympathy for this woman, and would gladly drive her myself to a refuge, TBH."

I know, I have lost count of how many dv threads I see here, where I just want to swoop in and teleport women and children to safety.

Ok. Your posts struck me as unsympathetic but I appreciate that 'tone' is hard to put across.

Depending on where in the UK they are, if police are called then SS are notified - that's the case in Scotland but don't know if it applies elsewhere.

If the DV message were spread sooner, so that our Dc, in addition to knowing that you can't use the N word, or be homophobic, are taught that violence is wrong, and violence towards a partner is wrong too.

The message of equality MUST include gender as well as race or sexual orientation.

Our society is objectifying women, demonising m'en and that's only going to end in disaster.

ALL public facing roles need to be aware of how to help the victim of DV.

Everyone needs to have the facts to challenge bigotry or fuckwittery when they see it.

It would send a message to perps that they're NOT tolerated, and THEN they'll have to modify their behaviour, or be shunned by those they seek to impress.

Well said Hissy.

In addition, I wish to call out the difference between colluding and being too shit scared to say anything. And the men quickly walked away from her did they not? Very easy to just ignore, minimise and blame.

But there is a difference between her colluding and her being too afraid to say.

And when it comes to taking the man back, time after time, this is the cycle of abuse.

If the DV message were spread sooner, so that our Dc, in addition to knowing that you can't use the N word, or be homophobic, are taught that violence is wrong, and violence towards a partner is wrong too.

But this wouldn't help the children who are witnessing DV in their home, and i really do believe it is a viscous cycle, with those children exposed to DV far more likely to then carry it out when they are older.

Perhaps the children would seek help at school, via S'S, NSPCC? Perhaps that'd give the family the support, the ear, the shoulder, that's so badly needed.

If a child grows up in a DV situation, they will mimic it, until they realise it's NOT normal.

If their mother was a product of DV in her parent's relationship, she'd not know.

We can't NOT try to draw a line somewhere! Let's stop it with THIS generation, or the next, but doing nothing is not an option.

Look at our beautiful society! Look at how we DO try to create harmony, and equality. Look at the legal rights we have.

Outside our country it's a very different story! We're looked on as an inspiration to many, an example. Our legal system forms the basis of other nations legal systems, why not our approach to how women are seen, treated?

If we fight hard here, other countries like India and the Middle East will draw strength from our example.

Why not?

What have we got to lose?

If we do nothing, we'll lose it all. DV is not acceptable in modern decent society.

We don't tolerate it here.

Now we just need to convey that message to those that kill 2 women a week in our land, and those who cause the abuse in 1 in 4 women, and 1 in 8 men.

We need to throw our support behind the victims, without too many questions either, and make it blatant that victims of DV will be believed and supported.

Thing is though the woman would be better off going home, seeing her gp, getting her Injuries recorded aNd treated and local women's services and ss involved to get the help she needs to protect her dc. Now while bruises are fresh.

Staying on site for more days holiday so her bruises can recede wont help her at all long term. And as she said to op they didn't want to stay anyway...

Witnessing dv is terrifying, I can understand why site asked her to leave as they now had a damaged caravan and In case of recurrence. She needs to be somewhere she can be supported and a holiday park isn't that place and doesn't have Trained people there. Whether this was one off first time or a repeat situation. Which we don't know,,, We don't know if they went on holiday together or he suddenly appeared having tracked her down...

Ok so manager wasn't au fait with dv - he should have said "you need to leave so you can get your injuries recorded,Now when they fresh, so you can the right help go speak to your local police dv unit, ss to help you and your solicitor " - but that is a broader issue in society... And in fact his view that she wouldnt presS charges has been backed up by later posters who have said it take xx time sof dv before a woman leaves etcetc....

But if she was beaten up she needed to be in hospital or making sure there was restraining order etc etc ...She needed to be reacting proactively to this incident and talking to solicitors etc .... not staying on at holiday park. Sending her home to maybe hopefully take some action get some help talk to someone maybe is best thing.

I just dont think children should be subject to growing up in a dv environment full stop. By the time they are at school they may have already endured 5 years of witnessing dv. Given the experience of my neighbour who was beaten on regular basis, it took 7 years before her chilren were removed (eldest 3 refused to go back and the youngest were eventually taken off her) and imo thats far too long, the damage has already been done. NSPCC, can they actually do anything? I dont know what the answer is but its criminal that children are being brought up with dv.

I know that ultimately it is the man's fault for causing the violence but as a child victim of dv i have no qualms in apportioning some of the blame on my mother. Imo she chose to stay with a violent prick to the negative detriment of her children. I see that as a clear failure of duty towards her children. At least in the early days she could claim that she had no where to go but by the time i was older there was more provisions for battered women.

QuentiessentialOldDear Have some fucking empathy

OP I think it's brilliant that you tried. The failure of the holiday camp manager to grasp that a crime victim is not equally responsible for her attack is just depressing.

[[http://www.ipu.org/wmn-e/classif.htm Outside our country it's a very different story! We're looked on as an inspiration to many, an example. Our legal system forms the basis of other nations legal systems, why not our approach to how women are seen, treated?

If we fight hard here, other countries like India and the Middle East will draw strength from our example.]]

I don't think we're in any position to lecture much of the world on gender equality, quite frankly. Sure, it's better than in India or Saudi Arabia or even the USA, but we aren't remotely equal or anything like it.

And we aren't looked on as an inspiration and example, because we spread our legal system via invading other countries, and either killing most of the locals or ruthlessly exploiting them. Sorry, but that kind of revisionist history makes me very uncomfortable. There's nothing admirable about colonialism, and the Mission To Civilise the Native is a figleaf for exploitation - always was.

I can so tell on this thread who has been in a situation of abuse, and the "black is black, white is white, end of story" simplistic rationale of those who have never (luckily) experienced the paralysing on-going terror of it.

I really hope and pray that lady takes courage from your kindness OP and finds the strength to make the changes for her and her children.

Well I've thankfully never experienced DV personally and neither has anyone close to me (that I know of), nor have I had any special DV related training. But I do possess empathy and half a brain. For me it's really easy:

Punish the abuser not the abused

Don't make comparisons or try to draw analogies of DV from any subjects unrelated to violent criminal acts against the person. If you persist in doing so, don't be surprised if people think less of your intellect and more that you might be a bit unpleasant.

Just because the abuser is known to the victim does not make the victim responsible.

Or just simply... Don't victim blame.

See? Not that hard is it.

TooMuch, I would be cautious about saying you can tell. Probably there are some that might surprise you.

I am horrified at her injuries poor woman, I hope she has pressed charges!!! god if he's happy to behave like that there how does he behave at home

but as someone with a lot of experience and generational knowledge of domestic violence, I can see another angle here.

As awful as this sounds the victim is often an simpering mess and makes very stupid decisions, I could probably guarantee that if she was allowed to remain he would be back, , cue another violent episode, and another, and another...I would be pretty livid having my own kids exposed to that, the cycle I've worked myself to the bone never to repeat. for the purpose of 'not victim blaming' someone who will not protect her children.

donshardhat I'm not a monster.

Yes, well done for talking to the manager. He could do with showing a bit more empathy, as can others on this thread.
That said, I guess it can be very frustrating when you see people defend their abuser again and again. Stockholm syndrome? However, more sympathy from society at large will hopefully help people on the receiving end of abuse to think it is NOT them but the abuser who is at fault, and they need not fear telling on him/her, because they will be protected.