Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how can I convince dh that condoms are the way to go - or is there a compromise?

113 replies

highlandspring · 07/06/2006 10:40

I'm hoping someone will be able to help me - have changed my name just in case dh decides to have a quick look at what I've been posting on Shock

basically, dh and I love each other very much. Due to medical reasons, I cannot tolerate any hormonal contraception and cannot do any of the non-hormonal ones you insert (copper coil, diaphragm) due to a weird shaped cervix and uterus.

This has left us using the withdrawal method but it has so put me off having sex because I really do not want to get pregnant. For me, sex is the bees knees of all stuff we do together - dh is quite happy to do all sorts of other stuff but for me, I don't mind the other stuff but would always want sex at the end.

This is now causing problems because I am starting to completely lose interest because I feel I'm not getting what I need and he is getting annoyed because he feels I'm not 100% into what we're doing (I'm not!). If he would wear a condom for sex, we could do it properly and I would happily partake in all the other stuff because I know we would end up having sex at the end.

But he won't - because he hates them Sad. So either he wears one and he doesn't enjoy it or we do withdrawal and I don't enjoy it and worry that I'm going to fall pregnant. Heeeeeeeeelp!!

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 07/06/2006 10:41

Would he consider a vasectomy ? Do you want more kids further on in the future ?

madmarchhare · 07/06/2006 10:42

Do you ever want any more kids?

Kelly1978 · 07/06/2006 10:42

female condom?

I'm sort of in the same situation as you, except that my dp will wear them, because he is terrified by the thought of another pg. How does he feel about pg? Isn't that enought to make him do soemthing?

suzywong · 07/06/2006 10:43

maybe you should change back to your Original Posting name and let hime read this as it seems a very fair and unselfish request to me.

Original poster
highlandspring · 07/06/2006 10:44

We've talked about a vasectomy but he won't go for it. He had to have an op on his bits when he was a child and he can remember the pain and because of that, he's terribly sensitive about medical people messing with him!

I've asked to be sterilised (also potentially something where they remove the ovaries as this would possibly help with other problems I'm having) but they won't consider me because I'm in my 30s.

OP posts:
kama · 07/06/2006 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bundle · 07/06/2006 10:44

i think he needs to grow up

expatinscotland · 07/06/2006 10:45

In the same boat, but can't help you b/c I hate condoms. Am being fitted for a diaphragm, but not for another fortnight and till then we'll just use w/drawal. It took us months to conceive both girls, anyway.

I went to Boots today, but they had NO spermicide for sale. Just condoms.

I'd rather not have sex than use condoms. Yuk.

kama · 07/06/2006 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kama · 07/06/2006 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
highlandspring · 07/06/2006 10:48

thanks for your thoughts

I think re the condom - we did try (years ago) to use condoms but dh could not maintain his erection while I was putting it on and I think this is half the problem. The mere mention of the word condom and his mental block kicks in and his stiffy starts looking like a limp sausage.

He's not a selfish man but I think he fears his manhood disappears before his eyes and he (mentally) cannot get over that hurdle.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/06/2006 10:49

nah. it was only the once and i just finished my time of hte month last week.

i wish i could find a place that sells spermicide - i'll need it anyway to use w/diaphragm.

Original poster
highlandspring · 07/06/2006 10:50

and I'm not inexperienced with condoms Wink - have used them in the past with ex-boyf etc. (decades ago) - I know how to keep him interested while I'm putting it on etc. but just even getting the packet out seems to trigger this response Sad

OP posts:
madmarchhare · 07/06/2006 10:51

Well , we were faffing about using withdrawal method and I got pregnant. You may have seen my recent threads on here. Basically, we decided for several reasons not to go ahead with the pregnancy. I ended up miscarrying anyway.

Point is, it was a crap time and I really wish we hadnt been so bloody stupid in the first place. Grown adults and all that.

expatinscotland · 07/06/2006 10:51

that happens to DH as well, highland. he only had one partner one time before me and hated the condom experience like nothing else.

how about spermicide? have you given that a go?

my mission today is to find some.

PrettyCandles · 07/06/2006 10:53

I hate condoms, but before we had children that's what we used. TTC was a huge revelation for me of how much more pleasureable sex could be without condoms!. Because of my discomfort we tried loads of different makes and styles, and dh to his surprise foudn that he prefered some to others. Perhaps you need to try different sorts, so that your dh can open up his mind to different options, and perhaps find something that will be more comfortable for him. Or perhaps you can try a compromise, whereby he only wears the condom for one bit of the love-making?

Because of my feelings about condoms I can't help having some sympathy for your dh, but OTOH you're a partnership and need to help each other.

madmarchhare · 07/06/2006 10:53

Couple of x posts there, and sorry, re reading my post it seems a bit off.

Original poster
highlandspring · 07/06/2006 10:54

I don't think it will work on its own will it?

OP posts:
bundle · 07/06/2006 10:55

expat you can get it free from your gp/family planning clinic

madmarchhare · 07/06/2006 10:56

I dont particularly like condoms either but until DHs vasectomy appointment comes around thats what we are going with.

PrettyCandles · 07/06/2006 10:56

Posted before your explanaition, HS. It's the 'scaryness' of the condom, rather than the feel of sex with it on? Perhaps you could play sex games - the objective being not full-on sex, but purely playing with the condom. I was so clumsy with them at first (well, TBH, always - never really got the hang of putting them on him) that we did quite a lot of 'fooling around' as practice.

Original poster
highlandspring · 07/06/2006 10:56

it doesn't seem off at all madmarch - as you say, dh and I are both adults (and fairly old adults aswell Wink) and our first child was conceived while I was on the pill, and taking it properly!

yes, perhaps I should buy some different styles of condoms and see if any of them would make a difference. I haven't really had to go and get any for years so things have probably moved on since the giant rubber sheath types!

OP posts:
FioFio · 07/06/2006 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

expatinscotland · 07/06/2006 10:56

what, spermicide? i think it will if used correctly. BUT, we're also not super fertile together.

i saw a consult about sterilisation, but i've got a medical condition which makes GA quite dangerous for me, so she put me off it. i don't want to die over something voluntary, and i've had such negative experiences w/doctors here i'm not very trusting anymore.

madmarchhare · 07/06/2006 10:57

Have you had the deep and meaningful conversations about all this already?

Swipe left for the next trending thread