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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is there ever an excuse for pushing your wife when she ia holding your newborn...

149 replies

s0fedup · 14/07/2013 17:13

Just that really
huge row, pushing, shoving, hands round my throat, i threw the babies bottle at him which has cut his nose then the final push backwards onto the bed

OP posts:
Nadalsballs · 14/07/2013 21:32

Please leave OP, not for you, not for us but for your poor, innocent babies. You MUST protect them.

MN will help you if you let us.

Viking1 · 14/07/2013 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
s0fedup · 15/07/2013 08:24

I called womans aid but i didnt know what to say.
I feel a complete fraud, im not beinh beaten regularly

I have a lovely home, good job

He came down this morning and isnt speaking to me?

I asked him what I should say if the solicitor calls about the house and he said he didnt care

I dont understand his coldness, how can everything be fine one day then your world turned upside down the next

OP posts:
captainmummy · 15/07/2013 08:24

You think dh will lose is job? Is he policeman?Teacher?bank manager/Other 'pillar' of society?

If he is, then he should lose his job. Even policemen are accountable to the LAW!

Glad he is getting out.

He may resent you having another child, but he was complicit in that - it's his child too! You didn't do it alone. If he didn't want any more there are things he can do (or NOT do!)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2013 08:27

"how can everything be fine one day then your world turned upside down the next"

Disorientation is the bully's bread and butter. Keeps the victim on the back foot, waiting for the next mood change, paralysed with anticipation. It's significant that he says he 'doesn't care' because that sounds consistent with his behaviour.

What did WA suggest when you called? I'm sure they didn't say you were a fraud.

Lweji · 15/07/2013 08:37

His coldness is to keep you on your back foot, for you to reach out to him and end up apologising (your fault...).
If it doesn't work as he expects, he'll change back again.

Don't feel like a fraud. I kicked ex out for less than you. And reported him to the police.

If he has a job with vulnerable people, then yes they shouldn't be exposed to him. He's a nasty abuser.

You are not being beaten regularly yet. You don't want to wait till then (and he will because he'll know you won't leave him), you want to safeguard yourself and your babies NOW.

They are already being abused by being in the middle ans witnessing this.
Is this what you want for them?

Empress77 · 15/07/2013 08:53

OP I think you are being really brave, well done for calling Womans aid, and I am really glad to hear he has stopped your house plans and hope he will leave. It is a terrible time but it will get better - you and him need to be apart for the sake of your children. A newborn is so vulnerable and both your children, and you, deserve a safe and loving home. You are far better off without him living with you and you deserve better. Most men wouldnt dream of acting like this, no matter how stressful his job or home life. Do not let him make you feel it is your fault - you are strong and you needed his support - youve just had a baby- and he is not worthy of having precious children - hes supposed to protect them not harm their mother in front of them. I would say to encourage him to leave asap, to speak to your friends about it asap, and to keep your phone on you atall times - you need to call the police immediately if such a thing were to happen again because your newborn is so vulnerable.

Good luck and hope he moves out todayxx

Mixxy · 15/07/2013 08:57

Get him the fuck out of the house. Call the cops.

IT'S YOUR NEWBORN.

Mixxy · 15/07/2013 09:01

X post, sorry hon.

Sounds like things have been on the outs for a while. Sorry this is happening. But it is a newborn and that's a very dangerous thing. Not to mention older DC witnesses.

foolonthehill · 15/07/2013 10:58
  1. You are not a fraud...this really happened and it is really scary
  2. You feel a fraud because he is messing with your head and you have lost your way in what is acceptable in an intimate relationship.

Women's aid will understand, keep reaching out for help and protection. Tell people in RL if you can, keep posting here.

many of us have stood where you stand, it is a scary place but life on the otherside is so much better.

stay safe OP

HorryIsUpduffed · 15/07/2013 11:01

The only excuse for pushing your wife when she is holding your newborn is if she is in a wheelchair.

I'm sorry to hear he is showing his true colours at such a vulnerable time for you. You sound extremely brave and are doing very well.

Vivacia · 15/07/2013 15:16

I agree with what said about losing your perspective. "He doesn't beat me regularly"? What would you say if one of your children said that about their partner?

Original poster
s0fedup · 15/07/2013 20:46

Hello evrryone
thanku so much for all kind words.

I have had a horrendus day emotionally but i feel calmer now.
Our house sale has fallen through which is horrific as we are supposed to be moving in 9 days

and he is ignoring me, but wants ro sell it?

I am totally confused, really feel as if my life is falling down a black hole...

I have managed to secure a relate session tomorrow and he is coming. He suggested it which is weird as he has always said he would never do councelling.

I am glad we are going even if it really shows there is no coming back. I feel i have ro five us one final chance so I can say to the dcs i tried everytging

I know I am dissapointing many of you but I guess i just have to try one final time. Dont worry i will be showing the councellor tge 2 bruises and I amsure he will show her the cut on his nose... I wonder if he will tell her I am a drama queen and threwyself on the floor...

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/07/2013 21:26

You don't owe us anything, you're not letting us down. We just want you to look after yourself and your children and keep them from harm. Whatever happens, I hope you will feel you can talk about it on here.

BanjoPlayingTiger · 15/07/2013 21:31

It is a really really bad idea to go to counselling with your abuser!

Please don't do that.

Please call womens aid and get out tonight.

You are not safe. He has tried to kill you already, this is not a normal argument!!

bestsonever · 15/07/2013 21:51

Did he say that you have been living like room mates for past year ? If that was true you would of had an idea what was coming (and it would not involve a new born). Absolutely no more babies means he should have been more responsible then (the snip?). Not your fault you got pregnant, more his really if he didn't take precautions.
You are better off without him for many reasons, not least the strangling incident. In a way, showing you how bad he is may prove to be the jolt you need to see this relationship is no good for you or your DC's, as you may have ignored previous warning signs. This is a shining sign saying LTB that you cannot brush away or minimize.

dunfightin · 15/07/2013 21:53

Don't go to counselling with him OP.
You are understandably turned over emotionally by what has happened. He will wrong-foot you because you, understandably, don't know which way is up at the moment as he has sent your world spinning out of any normal kilter.
Relate counsellors can be good or bad at spotting abuse and understanding it's horrible affects. This is an ABNORMAL situation, an abusive one and the normal counselling practices do not apply.
If the counsellor is worth his/her salt and has been properly trained when you show her the bruises, she will contact HV or SS because they are evidence that you and the baby are at risk.
Please contact WA or try Respect as they are less busy - they are the organisation for abusers who want to change and run the kind of DV courses that courts send abusers on. They know the tricks, the strategies and the very real difficulty in making any real substantial change.

Original poster
s0fedup · 15/07/2013 22:12

Will she really call ss?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 15/07/2013 22:16

I don't know about the counsellor but if your child talks about it at school, they will certainly inform social services.

If you ask for help now, all the agencies will support and advise you. If you do nothing and force your children to live in a violent household, then you risk being part of the problem.

You have a duty to protect your children. It doesn't matter if you feel 'a fraud' or you don't think you are at risk. From what you have said, your children are at risk.

Do the right thing by them.

bestsonever · 15/07/2013 22:19

Not a big enough jolt, I hate to think what would be. Really, you should have more respect for yourself and your DC's. From an outside perspective it is not confusing, as the reasons why this has happened are immaterial, the act should of crossed a line regardless of your feelings for him or any attempt to excuse or explain.
You can't make someone love you. Is someone who holds it against you every day, that he got you pregnant showing love? Is he showing love as he strangles you? Actions speak louder than words, but he's also said he doesn't love you as well as showing you he doesn't.
Perhaps some counselling alone could help you to realise and accept that he does not love you and no amount of feeling on your part can force that to change.

Lweji · 15/07/2013 22:23

You are not disappointing anyone.

Most of us have been there and know how difficult it is to leave and how we feel obliged to give a second third, fourth, etc chance.

But, because we have been there, we regret those chances, and sternly advise you not to give them.
For your children.

How do you explain to them if they get hurt that it was because you wanted to tell them you tried your best to keep the relationship.

by leaving him you are not ruining the relationship, you are protecting yourself and the children.

He's the one ruining everything.

PoppyField · 15/07/2013 22:26

Hi OP,

I can't offer any wisdom about what your Relate counsellor will do re: social services. My only piece of advice is not to pin too many hopes on your session. The best you might hope for is that the counsellor asks your H what he plans to do about the fact that he has used violence against you and a vulnerable baby. It is absolutely shocking. And I agree that joint counselling will probably not provide you with the security that you need. You may not find it to be the 'safe place' you want it to be. Don't want to crush your hopes, but really it is 50 minutes. Don't spend any of it justifying or negotiating - it might be interesting to see how he dares to explain it to a third party, but that is all it might be. The likelihood is he will try to put the responsibilty for it onto you somehow. And that wouldn't just be painful for you, but it would be adding to the abuse. Him justifying, minimising - any of that shit - is unacceptable. Nothing can justify what he did, and don't let that pass. No decent counsellor should be able to let that pass either.

I went to Relate with my abusive husband - because I too wanted to be able to say to myself and everybody else that I had tried 'everything' to repair my marriage. I look back at those traumatic and distressing sessions and realise he had no intention of repairing anything. He just wanted blame to be assigned. He had not other intention - unless you count his successful attempts to upset me even more.

Good luck. Don't feel a failure if it doesn't feel good. Joint counselling in this situation is not recommended. But counsellors - whether because they live in hope or they want the money - often do not call a halt when they should. A good counsellor should see what is going on and advise that you should both have individual counselling. Or maybe just a trip to the police station for your H - whereupon he could properly hand himself in for having assaulted you. Good luck. Don't feel lonely. Lots of people in real life will support you. Lots of MNers have been where you are. You are not a failure. You are standing up for your baby.

Original poster
s0fedup · 15/07/2013 22:48

Thanks poppy and lweji
i have read enough of these threads to know what I should be doing, its different when you are.living it

I will keep posting

thanks x

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 15/07/2013 23:23

It is different when you are living it...yes.

but those of us who lived it, posted, got told...went into tail spin...emotional overload...denial, minimising etc etc. then finally realised these people were right and know (yes really know) what it is like to live with this disastrous push-me, pull you going on inside...and have come out the other side healthy, strong and better...I don;t know anyone who wishes they had given it longer...because when you are out, that is when you really realise how bad it is/was.

SimLondon · 15/07/2013 23:43

Please stop putting your children through this. It