is there ever an excuse for pushing your wife when she ia holding your newborn...

[s0fedup]

Just that really
huge row, pushing, shoving, hands round my throat, i threw the babies bottle at him which has cut his nose then the final push backwards onto the bed

[dontgowadingin]

I think you are both out of order. Clearly your DH is very volatile yet you stood with the baby arguing and blocking the exit route of a man who is a ticking time bomb just because you wanted your say. There is no way on earth I would ever do that with any of my children . You have to put them first and not put them in harms way.

No one has the right to lay a hand on any one but also when you throw objects at him it makes you just as bad.

You need to have your dc in a safe environment where this violence is not happening because if the SS find out you both have been fighting (as I'm sure DH will be quick to point out his war wounds too) you will lose the kids.

I've just seen a friend go through the same . Constant phone calls to police of both parties as he tried to switch it all on her, stays in hostels, and at family courts every phone call was brought up. She was msde out to be just as bad as hom because he had documented injurys too. Both ds are now in care.

[minkembernard]

OP just coming to offer a bit of support and hand holding.

I am not surpriseing you are reeling. what he did is truly horrifying and very hard to face up to.
Losing a relationship at any time is difficult. More so at such a vulnerable time. You Will need time to adjust and to grieve. But I think you know yourself you need to get out, or better yet get him out.

no one would choose to be facing the choice you are facing. to stay in danger or to leave your rs when all you want is the third choice for it to never have happened and for you to have the loving happy marriage you hoped for. sadly that choice does not exist with him...but when you leave you Will have a brighter future and thue possibility of happiness some day.

You also need to do some practical stuff. others on here Will know better but get what documentation you can- dcs birth certificates and passport.any documentation
you can get of bank account and
finances.

And J really would call the police. dial 101. it is not too late. you may need legal aid and you Will not get it unless you have reported evidence of domestic abuse.

it really does not matter that he is not like that all the time. or that he us nice in between. (although is he nice or just not horrible?) this is abuse. you are a survivor.

You should also read about traumatic bonding as this may Well be adding to your confusion.

I think you know it is over.don't let him suck you back in with a big apology where you both admit fault. he is wrong. he Will not change. it Will get worse. and although it may seem like you are breaking your family, you and your dcs Will be better off.

get out first. get on the freedom program. get your ds some counselling too. be kind to yourself. you have had an enormous life changing shock and are in turmoil. it Will get better. we are here for you. as are many others in RL. the police. WA. your GP. your family.

come over to the emotional abuse support thread. many others have been in your position and can help you through.

god speed and wishing all the best.

[minkembernard]

emotional abuse thread
the links at the top may help you clarify your situation. or just have a lurk or post.

and this may help
outofthefog.net/

stay safe. ((hugs))

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Just to add to what mink said: you've probably read enough of these threads to know that if you call 101, what you say will be recorded but no further action needs to be taken. So you don't need to worry about him losing his job.

You are probably feeling powerless and trapped, but here is a quiet, assertive step you can take without fear of consequences.

And if you know what you should be doing, there really will never be a better time than now to start acting. (One baby step at a time.)

[MmeLindor]

Just offering a hand to hold.

Please listen to the women on this thread who have gone through this. They know what they are talking about.

Take the time to really think about what YOU want.

'huge row, pushing, shoving, hands round my throat, i threw the babies bottle at him which has cut his nose then the final push backwards onto the bed'

If you read an OP who said that her DH had just done this to her, what would you say?

[scallopsrgreat]

What a load of bollocks dontgowadingin.

She is "not as bad". That is victim blaming. In fact your whole post is victim blaming. Suggesting that her behaviour caused his violence is victim blaming. She was trying to complete a conversation in which he was stonewalling her by walking out (an abusers tactic). He put his hands around her throat. She defended herself, which she is allowed to do, by throwing the baby bottle at him.

OP you are not to blame and you have had lots of wonderful advice on this thread. Please be careful and keep yourself safe.

[MmeLindor]

dontgowading
That is ridiculous. A woman shouldn't block her husband's exit if he is 'volatile' just so she can have her say?!

And to frighten the OP by talk of having the DC taken into care. Get a grip of yourself.

[minkembernard]

OP. are you ok? no posts for a while.
seconding scallop. not. your. fault.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

dontgowadingin Shame you didn't read your own nn!

[s0fedup]

Hello everyone
I have only just logged on, thanku again for all the advise and support, and the PM, I have read it and taking it all on board and mulling it over.

We had an initial session with relate tonight. I liked her, I told her about what happened, but not all of it. I dont really know why, but she was shocked,;I could tell by her face.
When it was DH turn to talk he didnt deny or justify it, but he also stopped at me fallung to the floor when the door was flung open...

She asked him what ge was thinking and how did he feel seeing me and his baby on the floor? He said he didnt know...

She then explained that because there has been violence and children are involved we will need to each separatly do a questionaire with her that she will colate and compare to see if we are suitable to continue.

She said children are governed by the sensory, they know everything even if we think they dont.
She also said in her profesion babiea are considered ro be the most knowing.This is because our smell, our touch, our feel and taste is their universe...

DH was really shocked, actually I am pleased that he saw another humans reaponse to his behaviour, the look on her face when she repeated that i was holding our newborn when he pushed me over? was, awful.

I really hope we "pass" the next stage because up to that point the session was going well.

I want to believe this was a an incident triggered by huge amounts of stress that he has, and is under at the moment and that with help he can sort out his issues...

But Im confident that she will be able to see if this is not going to happwn and if in fact he is an abuser...

I hope this is the wake up call be needs

thanks again and I will keep posting as it really helps.

My appointment for the next stage is monday so not long to wait!

Sorry this turned into an essay!!!

[s0fedup]

Sorry! So many bloody sp!
Bring back the keypad on mobiles!!

[OxfordBags]

Why do you need her to tell you if he is an abuser or if he can change (hint: he can't and won't)? Do you need someone else's permission to see what he did to you as unacceptable abuse?

Can you not see that if you feel the need to get someone else's opinion on whether you're being abused, then you must already be very badly abused? Because you are displaying all the signs of someone utterly damaged by ill-treatment.

The person who should be most shocked is YOU. You should actually be shocked at yourself - the person supposed to love you most in the world attacked you whilst you held your newborn in your arms, and you are still with him. I could weep for how damaged you must be, the childhood you must have had, that would make you be like this.

She didn't hear the full picture and yet he was shocked and horrified. What does that tell you? And you know why you did 't tell her the whole truth - because you know how bad it is, you know it means Game Over.

To stay with this man now is you choosing to put your newborn at risk. Now you know what he is capable of, to stay means you are not only accepting riskof abuse or worse for yourself, but accepting it for your DC.

If this cannot make you leave him, I can't see the point in counselling. I think you should have counselling, urgently, to work on what would make you stay with such a dangerous pig, but not counselling with him. He has gone waaaay past deserving such a chance, but, most importantly, of it being able to help him.

[Vivacia]

Are you going to tell the truth in the questionnaire?

[JakeBullet]

Be aware sofedup that the counsellor might well be obliged to make a social services referral based upon what you told her. Sshe has to ensure that your baby issafe.
Not saying that to scare you btw but to be rearealistic. Your baby is utterly defenceless and if you have been pushed while holding your baby then he IS at risk of serious harm and social services need to step in and help you to protect him. This might mean you need yo separate from your abuser in order to ensure your baby's safety.

[ElBombero]

Wow never an excuse. LTB

[s0fedup]

Yes, I am going to tell her everything during the questionaire session.

[Lastofthepodpeople]

Hi OP,

It's so easy to doubt yourself but keep trusting your instincts. Glad you're seeing someone at relate. I don't really have anything to add but just wanted to lend another voice of support. Best of luck.

[s0fedup]

Thanks last
I really dont think he is a bad person, or at leaat I am hoping he isnt.

I want to believe he is not an abuser yet... that this behaviour can be stopped before it turns into abuse...

That we have caught it early and we can sort it out...

[HorryIsUpduffed]

I'm glad he was shocked by her response - whatever happens in your future he now has a very clear idea that what he did was unacceptable and wrong.

Good luck with the questionnaire and yes do be honest or there's no point. Don't rely on his telling the full story either.

[foolonthehill]

s0fedup...I understand that you want him to change and for life to "go back to the way it was"...but you can never go back. Life only goes forwards

I know that we have posted about your DH's behaviour before now...and it wasn't good then, this is an escalation...and to the point where even from your posts you would have a very high risk assessment score.

He can change just as well by going to an abusers course having been asked to leave the family home for your safety....very very few of these men do change, but I understand that you want him to and that you need to give him the chance to.

Remember he is less likely to take you seriously if life looks like it is going on as before...he will give you just enough good, just enough sorry, just enough promise to keep going with him....and then he will, eventually, go back and continue his abusive behaviour. It's called the cycle of abuse.

Changing patterns like these takes a HUGE amount of emotional energy and resolve....something your DH has not really shown up to this point....he has to WANT to change, he has to do concrete things to show that he CAN change , then he has to show that he can SUSTAIN these changes.

Whist he does this you can be building yourself up and looking after your DC and gaining real life support....apart from him.

SS were a godsend in the end for me...they showed me that it was my choice between being a good mother or a bad mother...my feelings for DH were blinding me to his real behaviour and the damage he was causing.

It has taken a very long time to put my children back together...they were more damaged than I could see. Yours are young...spare them the hurt and harm.

Sorry for the essay,
stay safe

[Lweji]

Look, he's likely to jump through hoops to keep the relationship now. He'll seem sorry, shocked, act like it will never happen again, even seem meek and harmless.
The problem is what will happen in another stressful situation?

If he's really shocked he should voluntarily leave the home to make sure the children are safe.

I agree with other pp that your couple dynamic is screwed up, and that you didn't think of the baby when the argument happened.

Have you at any point told him to leave?

[Lweji]

I do understand how these abusers mess with your head, but think most and foremost about the children and the answer will be clear to you.

You can still work it out if he leaves now, until you think he's a changed man and a safe partner and father.

Do not stay with him during this process.

Imagine it's rehab with drugs on your bedside table.

[raisah]

Its almost the summer holidays so enough time to move nearer to your family & get them settled into a new school. You need to protect yourself & your kids, you dont want to wait until the next time to review the situation.