Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner wants me to rehome pet...

183 replies

TataClaire · 11/07/2013 22:55

My OH of two years wants me to rehome my cat who I love very dearly and previously belonged to my late aunt. He is however the only thing we argue about.
I had the cat when he first met me though I wasn't sure I was going to get on with him (the cat) but really grew to love him by the time DP asked me to move in with him away from friends and family. He said the cat could come if he lived outside and could come into the lounge in the evenings for cuddles with me.
Anyway, I found this really difficult and so did the cat who obviously didnt understand why he couldnt come in the house.
Eventually I bent the rules and started letting him in more as I couldnt bear it.
I admit that he did claw the sofa and put pawprints on some paintwork and do general feline things.
DP was very angry but then kept yo-yo ing when he saw how upset I was about it from saying fine it can live in the house to I never want to see it again and Im going wring its neck myself - I'd like to think he's not serious.... so we've moved house and now the cat doesnt have a place to live outside and everytime he emerges from wherever he's hidden to sleep amongst the boxes DP makes noises at him so it frightens him and he rums back into the boxes. We'll be moving house again in a few months time and he has asked me to rehome him as we're relocating and he hates him and he wants our new life in our new place to be cat free as he despises them so much. That he hates him creeping about and not knowing where he is or being able to stop him climbing on stuff (which he barely does) like you can with a dog and says he won't having living in the house and I'm not happy about him living outside if it means he can't wander into the house for the odd snooze without facing the firing squad...I put my foot down and said I wasnt rehoming him and if he went I went.
I just don't know what to do. It is literally the only thing we argue about and its driving a wedge between us. Sad

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/07/2013 10:06

If he truly cared about you, he would love the fact that the cat brings you joy, and willingly accept the cat because of it.

He does not.

KnittedWaffle · 12/07/2013 10:07

I'm not really a pet person but I'd say get rid of him, not the cat!
My brother lived with his girlfriend under similar circumstances (inherited grandmother's cat) and although he wasn't keen on cats to start with he grew to love her and would never have dreamt of asking her to be rehomed.

Damnautocorrect · 12/07/2013 10:09

I came with a cat, he's my best friend. If my oh didn't tolerate (he's not a cat fan) him then honestly he'd be gone, I don't believe a person whose cruel to animals is a 'good' person.
Don't get me wrong my oh is not a fan of the cat but he tolerates him and even gives him the odd tickle.

Lweji · 12/07/2013 10:11

Poor cat.
Rehome the bastard.

When they broke up she said that his poor treatment of the cat was a massive red flag!

Yes to this.

I started seeing exH in a different light when I got my cat (for DS) and he started abusing the cat.
He asked me at some point if I'd divorce him over the cat, to which I said I might and that he reminded me of what is said about serial killers and pets.
His treatment of the poor thing improved.
But he was still an abusive prat, and I left him 3 years later.

flipchart · 12/07/2013 10:13

I really really don't like cats
I would hate to own a pet. I'm with your BF on that
BUT!!!
The cat stays. He goes.
He has a shit attitude and it ain't going to get any easier!

Go now!

Lweji · 12/07/2013 10:15

I've just remembered that at some point I used to come home to find the cat hiding somewhere. ExH was at home all day. He'd easily come out for me.

These days he just lies about every day and is really curious and sociable to anyone who comes through the door.
It was just exH.

libertine73 · 12/07/2013 10:16

Oh ffs, what decent man would want you to get rid of your pet that you love??

My DP isn't a cat man, but he's lovely to our cat because I wanted him, and he's part of our family.

Please go back to your hometown surrounded by friends and family, and your cat!

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 12/07/2013 10:29

This isn't about the cat. This is about him forcing you to bend to his will. He's a controlling arsehole, and every inch you give will only encourage him to push further and further. In the end, you won't have anything or know who you are. He doesn't want a partner, he wants someone he can dominate. I don't much like cats, but I'd strongly advise you to think about how much of an issue he is making of you having a pet that you love. His actions aren't loving, they're not about you at all. He doesn't care that he's upsetting you, he only cares that he wins. Walk away, with your cat.

pictish · 12/07/2013 10:30

Well said chickens.

VivaLeBeaver · 12/07/2013 10:38

So he's making it your fault by saying its because you're being stubborn, etc.

Yeah, massive red flag of a controlling, abusive fuck head.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 12/07/2013 10:56

Sad poor cat

and i agree 100% with everyone else!

PatriciaHolm · 12/07/2013 10:58

Chickens just said everything I was going to!

Chewbecca · 12/07/2013 11:06

DH doesn't like cats at all. But he's an unselfish man and acknowledges how fond I am of her and, even more so how much our DS loves her and recognises the comfort and companionship she brings him.
Thanks for helping me appreciate that sentiment that I'd taken for granted before.

And that unselfish attitude, thinking of what brings me and DS happiness, even if it's not his favourite thing, is evident in many other situations too.

IMO it is very likely your partners attitude towards the cat will be seen again in other circumstances regarding any children you had together which is an awful prospect. Please re-think having children with this man.

MrsOakenshield · 12/07/2013 11:07

agree with everyone. Leave, and stay left. And, whatever you do, do NOT have children with this man. EVER.

BeCool · 12/07/2013 11:27

I don't think it matter one iota if you love or hate cats.

What is very concerning here is being cruel and antagonistic towards an animal, plus all the other red flags in this guys behaviour that quite clearly show he's an arse. Red flags everywhere!

Tata to quote from the MN wisdom - When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!

Jux · 12/07/2013 11:29

It sounds like you two are not awfully compatible. Go to your mum's for a few weeks with the cat. Think hard about why you want to be with a man who frightens your cat, hates it and won't ever give you what you want.

The poor cat has had a miserable couple of years. Sad

greenhill · 12/07/2013 11:51

Do you really want to have dogs and children with a man that cannot tolerate you loving your pet? A man that cannot publicly say that he loves you or wants to acknowledge your relationship in front of family...

Your cat was there before him and was part of the package. He feels he has to regularly frighten a small animal to exert control over it and you, I'm alarmed about what it says about your OH's personality.

I agree with all the other posters: ditch the man, not the cat. Poor cat and poor you Sad

redacted · 12/07/2013 11:59

It's obvious he doesn't love you. If he did, as others have said, he would put up with the cat for your sake because he wouldn't want to upset you. It sounds like he just issues ultimatums the whole time and you accept them. He's only interested in having everything his own way. If you stick with him, everything in your life will end up being decided according to his whims. He's only interested in someone who's a complete pushover and when he can have everything his own way. Woman up and ditch him.

vintagecakeisstillnice · 12/07/2013 13:47

Just posting to agree with all of the above.

Big Red Flag

Jux · 12/07/2013 14:11

Oh, and just to let you know. I once shared a house with a woman who hated cats. i had two. I was there first. She put up with the cats or didn't move in. She moved in.

After a few weeks she said "I can see why you're fond of them and it's extraordinary how different their personalities are. i thought a cat was a cat was a cat."

Within a couple of months, she was vying with me for their attention, cuddles and stroking rights!

She didn't love me, and had no vested interest in actually liking the cats. After we moved out and she bought her own place, she got a cat of her own. Apparently she missed mine.

DH hates dogs. We went to stay at my cousin's for 4 weeks. She had 2 dogs. Unruly, badly trained, but loving dogs. He still doesn't like dogs much, but loves those two. Less than 4 weeks, it took for him to become fond of them.

You have to ask yourself what sort of person continues to hate and resent the presence of a pet after so long.

QuietTiger · 12/07/2013 15:45

I'd be getting rid of one of them and it wouldn't be the cat. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. Like many of the other posters, if my DH behaved like a cuntish twat towards my pets, he'd be gone, seriously.

Making you get rid of your cat is not anything more than controlling behaviour. He's moved you away from your friends and family, so isolated you, and now he's being a twat to your cat.

When I met DH, I had 7 cats & 2 dogs. DH wasn't overly keen on having 8 cats & 3 dogs (he had one of each himself), but accepted that we all came as a package and treats them with kindness and compassion. Does he want that many cats, no, and we won't be replacing them all as they pass on to greener pastures, but he would never tell me to "get rid" of my family.

Get rid of the twat, keep the cat.

thegreylady · 12/07/2013 16:41

No decent man would behave like this I'm afraid.

UniqueAndAmazing · 12/07/2013 16:46

"that when we've got dogs and kids I'll be too busy to care about the cat "
so he wants you to have a dog, but he hates your cat?

so it's his choice not yours?

and he can't marry you because he can't say he loves you in public?

ouch.

BIG RED FLAG.

Get out.

I don't like cats much, but when I moved in with DH, he'd got 2 cats that he'd had for 16 years (at that point). I didn't like cats, but they were his pets and he loved them!
i would never ask him to choose between them and me! (if i did, i'd expect to be kicked out).
I lived with them, that's what you do

UniqueAndAmazing · 12/07/2013 16:47

Jux - for your first few paragraphs, i though you were DH! Grin

eurozammo · 12/07/2013 16:50

Never trust a man who is not kind to animals....

Swipe left for the next trending thread