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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner wants me to rehome pet...

183 replies

TataClaire · 11/07/2013 22:55

My OH of two years wants me to rehome my cat who I love very dearly and previously belonged to my late aunt. He is however the only thing we argue about.
I had the cat when he first met me though I wasn't sure I was going to get on with him (the cat) but really grew to love him by the time DP asked me to move in with him away from friends and family. He said the cat could come if he lived outside and could come into the lounge in the evenings for cuddles with me.
Anyway, I found this really difficult and so did the cat who obviously didnt understand why he couldnt come in the house.
Eventually I bent the rules and started letting him in more as I couldnt bear it.
I admit that he did claw the sofa and put pawprints on some paintwork and do general feline things.
DP was very angry but then kept yo-yo ing when he saw how upset I was about it from saying fine it can live in the house to I never want to see it again and Im going wring its neck myself - I'd like to think he's not serious.... so we've moved house and now the cat doesnt have a place to live outside and everytime he emerges from wherever he's hidden to sleep amongst the boxes DP makes noises at him so it frightens him and he rums back into the boxes. We'll be moving house again in a few months time and he has asked me to rehome him as we're relocating and he hates him and he wants our new life in our new place to be cat free as he despises them so much. That he hates him creeping about and not knowing where he is or being able to stop him climbing on stuff (which he barely does) like you can with a dog and says he won't having living in the house and I'm not happy about him living outside if it means he can't wander into the house for the odd snooze without facing the firing squad...I put my foot down and said I wasnt rehoming him and if he went I went.
I just don't know what to do. It is literally the only thing we argue about and its driving a wedge between us. Sad

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 12/07/2013 00:02

I have no idea what #12288 is, jsyk. Confused

MrsWolowitz · 12/07/2013 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myroomisatip · 12/07/2013 00:08

Oh my word!

I spent over 30 years with my Ex who would not let me have a cat, would not let us have a pet for my kids. Well guess what! I got rid of the 'D'H and I now have two perfect, adorable, affectionate kittens.... I just wish I had not waited so long.

Get rid of your partner (are you married to this guy?). I could not care for someone so cruel.

SlumberingDormouse · 12/07/2013 00:09

My mum's XH hated her cat (who is the sweetest, tamest, quietest creature you're ever likely to meet). He made her confine the cat to the kitchen, which broke her heart. When they broke up she said that his poor treatment of the cat was a massive red flag!

wordyBird · 12/07/2013 00:11

Can't put it better than Hissy....

Red flags love.

Sorry.

This man will start on you next. This is HOW it starts.

She's right. Get yourself and your cat away.

But IF you decide to stay with him (I really hope you don't, but if you do).... please rehome the pet for her own safety. A man with this mindset should not be anywhere near a defenceless animal.
Or you.

expatinscotland · 12/07/2013 00:20

DTMFA.

So many red flags it's like you're living in a Chairman Mao demonstration.

BeCool · 12/07/2013 00:31

Nice acronym expat.

Agree with the others re red flags and people who are cruel to animals.

DTMFA!

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/07/2013 00:33

if he is this controlling about your pet imagine life later down the line - what happens when his kids get a bit teenagey....will he demand you rehome them?

i think this is way too controlling.

id be weighing up whether or not i want to live with someone whose so demanding and uncompromising.

ChasedByBees · 12/07/2013 00:34

I don't like cats that much but I feel so sorry for your poor little cat, having someone scare it every time it emerges. How can you put up with that? Two years is not a long time, I would seriously ditch him. He's deliberately hurting something you love. At the very least he should respect it as a living creature.

If my DH had a cat, I would love it because he did and they would come as a package.

SkylerRose · 12/07/2013 00:35

I've been with my Oh 3 years and he gave me 2 kittens for Christmas last year he's not really a cat person but I've already told him I'd get rid of him before my babies. He had said he was gonna lock cats out house but doesn't mean it, I know he wouldn't and wa just mad coz one had used his trainers as a litter tray Shock

JulietteMontague · 12/07/2013 00:38

Run, and take your cat with you. As well as being a cruel and controlling arse, your P is jealous of the cat. You love it, give it your time and affection which he thinks he has sole rights over. Worst of all you have defied him over the cat and he can't control the cat either.

Secretswitch · 12/07/2013 00:43

If any man did anything to scare my beloved cats I would be off like shot. Bad behaviour towards those unable to defend themselves is unforgivable. I would say though Tata, if you do decided to stay with this miserable man please do rehome your kitty with a family able to love and care for him. He does not deserve to live in fear.

WaitakereWaif · 12/07/2013 00:45

Good god.
If you are not prepared to leave this dreadful example of a human being, then at least let the poor cat go somewhere safe. It has moved from being a loved house cat to being left to sleep in a shed outside, and now lives in yet another house where its now frightened to move!
If you actually care for the cat .....take the poor thing to a rescue centre and tell them it needs to be taken because it is being abused in its current home .......BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING.

You have the option to change the situation ....the poor bloody cat is stuck with your choices.

Rarely feel as angry as this thread has made me.

Darkesteyes · 12/07/2013 00:52

I find this thread really upsetting. Ditch the abusive arsehole and keep the cat. The poor little thing is terrified.
Had to give my 12 yr old tabby a quick cuddle while posting this. I love her so much. And im sure you love yr cat OP Please dont leave him to suffer. Either rehome him or ditch the man. Your DH IS an abuser.

Secretswitch · 12/07/2013 00:59

Darkesteyes, same for me. I keep coming back to read the replies. I hope the OP will see that to a person we have all said her partner is showing some very worrying behaviour. ( this written whilst two of my kitties are snuggled up beside me)

HansieMom · 12/07/2013 01:11

Let's see. 62 are appalled at how the cat is being treated and zero support your appalling partner.

How would your dear aunt feel about how her lovely pet is being treated?

If you are too weak to take proper care of your pet, then give it to a cat society like the lovely Celia Hammond one people talk about. Hopefully they can do right by your pet because you sure aren't.

TataClaire · 12/07/2013 01:14

I did the unthinkable and called my mother and she told me to bring the cat and myself to them for some space.
I'm not married to him. Marriage is another issue - I've always wanted to get married...he doesnt as he says its a meaningless bit of paper, and would only do it if we elope and nobody has to hear him say the L word which he can't say in public. I told him Im not getting married without my family so he said ok - to not getting married. I think I'll stay in the lounge tonight with the cat.

OP posts:
HansieMom · 12/07/2013 01:17

Oh, good. I like your mom.

andrea315 · 12/07/2013 01:21

Don't go back
Don't move
Keep the cat
And I am a dog lover ;)
My husband didn't want pets I did we now have 8 this man isn't for you be happy move on x

TotallyBursar · 12/07/2013 01:27

Tata - read that back, and as much as it pains me to say it - listen to your mother, and I would prefer to chew my own foot off than admit mine is right.

I hope some space for thought will allow you time to come to the best decision for you.
One aspect of that might be considering how many people, experienced the hard way people, do not like the sound of this guy.
Gay40 put it succinctly, Hissy filled in all the gaps.
Seriously if you were out to write a set up that gave chills of foreboding you couldn't have done a better job.
And snuggle the cat, that will help tonight.

Secretswitch · 12/07/2013 01:28

Ahhhh..TataClaire, what a brave choice you are making! Your mum seems like a wonderful support. I will be thinking about you and praying for a bright future for you and your kitty boy.

Darkesteyes · 12/07/2013 01:30

Your mum sounds supportive. Dont go back to this cruel arsehole. Your cat will show you more love and loyalty for the rest of the time you have him. Animals are lovely. i taught my cat how to kiss. The way she does it is to touch my nose with hers.

fackinell · 12/07/2013 01:50

Really upsetting thread Hmm
Poor kitty. My mum always said you can trust a man based on how well he treats animals and children.

My old flatmate abused my old boy when I was at work. We did a runner leaving all my furniture and 300 quid in rent (just paid the wk before.) I will absolutely not tolerate cruelty!!

Run away, both of you. And fast.

ilovesooty · 12/07/2013 01:53

Good for your mum.

Poor cat. I hope you won't return to this abusive pile of shit who thinks nothing of bullying the cat and controlling you.

It sounds as though if you leave now you'll have had a lucky escape.

SunshineBossaNova · 12/07/2013 02:01

That sounds like a good decision OP. Your cat deserves not to be scared.

And you deserve better than this arse. Best of luck x