Partner wants me to rehome pet...

[TataClaire]

My OH of two years wants me to rehome my cat who I love very dearly and previously belonged to my late aunt. He is however the only thing we argue about.
I had the cat when he first met me though I wasn't sure I was going to get on with him (the cat) but really grew to love him by the time DP asked me to move in with him away from friends and family. He said the cat could come if he lived outside and could come into the lounge in the evenings for cuddles with me.
Anyway, I found this really difficult and so did the cat who obviously didnt understand why he couldnt come in the house.
Eventually I bent the rules and started letting him in more as I couldnt bear it.
I admit that he did claw the sofa and put pawprints on some paintwork and do general feline things.
DP was very angry but then kept yo-yo ing when he saw how upset I was about it from saying fine it can live in the house to I never want to see it again and Im going wring its neck myself - I'd like to think he's not serious.... so we've moved house and now the cat doesnt have a place to live outside and everytime he emerges from wherever he's hidden to sleep amongst the boxes DP makes noises at him so it frightens him and he rums back into the boxes. We'll be moving house again in a few months time and he has asked me to rehome him as we're relocating and he hates him and he wants our new life in our new place to be cat free as he despises them so much. That he hates him creeping about and not knowing where he is or being able to stop him climbing on stuff (which he barely does) like you can with a dog and says he won't having living in the house and I'm not happy about him living outside if it means he can't wander into the house for the odd snooze without facing the firing squad...I put my foot down and said I wasnt rehoming him and if he went I went.
I just don't know what to do. It is literally the only thing we argue about and its driving a wedge between us.

Another one here who says get rid of the man and not the cat!

I have never not had a cat, unless you count the time between moving out of my parents house(a street away) and my two ladies coming to live with us.

Basically, they were my parents cats, I have known them since being kittens. There was an accident and my mum was torn from us very tragically, along with the third cat. These two were left homeless and mummyless(one lived rough for 3 weeks, and she's not an outdoorsy cat!)

Now they are safe and living with me, and I couldn't get rid of them for love nor money. They are one of my last links to my mum.

DP has been very accommodating and has become a crazy cat man. He knows he would be living in the shed if he dared to be cruel to them.

Lose the arsehole, keep your furry baby.

As a side note, I have never understood how anyone could be mean to a cat, the thought of it makes me weepy

This sounds spookily like my EA, compulsive lying ex. He made me give up my cat to move in with him when I was 21 and too young to stand up for myself (he was 40). He turned out to be a cruel, cold, man. Your P's initials aren't MW are they??

This man is telling you clearly who he is and where his priorities lie. Won't marry you as he can't say 'I love you' in public? What a disrespectful, manipulative individual. Run like the wind.

Oh OP I read this and felt so sad . Poor you, and your cat.
Hope you get some space at your mums and can work out your next move. Away from this horrible man.

KnittedC beat me to it. He's not prepared to say "I love you" in public? Clearly not prepared to honour and obey you either but expecting you to do that for him.

Tell him to go and sleep outside with the duvet.

Poor cat.

Like everyone else on MN I would also dump the man and keep the cat.

Anyone who actually really hated animals so much they went out of their way to make one unhappy or frightened would be out of my life so fast their feet wouldn't touch the ground. Utterly despicable behavior on his part and indicative of what kind of man he really is (not nice at all.)

What a bastard. Get out now with the cat.

I dont like cats, once pounced on me when i was a child, but i would never hurt one. What a mean bastard.

Just read your update. :(

He absolutely IS abusive. He WILL only get worse.

The marriage thing? Enough on it's own to know that this man is DEEPLY flawed.

He will hurt you in all ways imaginable.

Get out, get out, get out.

Please? Or you will kick yourself when you survey the devastation that is your life in 5, 10, 15 years time.

Providing you're still alive that is.

2 women a week are killed by their partners.

A man that is cruel to a pet, will go on to get physical.

Put ALL your feelings to one side and take the decision you must take.

You have a supportive mum, plenty of women in your position don't, so grab the opportunity with both hands and get out of this.

You may ask yourself 'what if the whole of Mumsnet is wrong?'

Sadly, abusers literally ARE all the same, it is weird, like they have a hand book. Like they work to a script.

This man is working to that script. Look at how many of us say that it sounds JUST like our hideous Ex?

The show needs to close early.

I hate cats despite my user name and I'm appalled at his behaviour here

The only reason you should regime the cat is if you go back there so the poor cat doesn't have to put up with anymore abuse. Frankly, I would rehome yourself and the cat though

he cant say love in public????

wtf?

TataClaire

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

I bet you as well this is not the only issue you end up arguing about either. Its always his way or no way, your opinions do not matter to him.

You need to leave asap and with your cat. This man has enough red flags on him to make a whole bloody heap of bunting, he is abusively cruel and selfish with regards to all living things. Controlling behaviours like he has shown are all abusive ones; move you away from family and friends, tick. Cruelty to animals yet another tick in the abusers manual.

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft at some point in the near future. This man is in those pages.

Two years is about the time such abusive men start showing themselves for whom they really are. His desire to get rid of your cat is just the tip of a bloody great iceberg of abusive behaviour towards you.

You have probably over time as well modified your behaviours to fit in more with his mood swings.

You ignore this or minimise this at your peril. You have minimised this till now, time to draw a line in the sand re this bloke and ditch this man before your life is fully ruined.

Threads like this make me realise how much I love my dh.

My dh really doesn't like dogs but caved in to pressure from me and dd to get one. After the last one died we got another dog, new dog hates dh and stalks him round the house growling and sometimes biting him. Even then dh hasn't been nasty towards the dog like your oh has been towards the cat.

Your poor cat, part of me thinks rehome him as he doesn't deserve to live in such an environment. But then I'd feel sad if he was not rehomed for ages. Your oh needs to change his behaviour or dump him.

do NOT give your cat to your mother to "give you some space"

That act would be caving in to your boyfriend's bullying. A very bad precedent to set.

...although sadly I suspect it wouldn't be the first time you cave in to his bullying. He calls you stubborn and a point scorer? I'll bet the farm that your main problem is that you don't say "no" to him enough.

Well done for calling your Mum OP - listen to her, and please go to her with your cat. Neither you nor your pet deserve to be treated like this.

Good luck and I really hope things work out for you and your puss.

Run, run to your DM's with the cat cuddled up in your arms!

Please!

HotDAMN, I think the plan is for OP to also go to her mother's?

Re home the man.......no contest

Pack your bags and take the cat with you back to your mum's place. He's really not a good man.

I agree with everyone else.

This man sounds cruel and deeply flawed. He has been alone for most of his life because there is something wrong with him. As has been said previously, "he is deliberately hurting someone you love". Think about what that means, and what it means about his respect/care for you. He is controlling and horrible. If you stay with him, you will inevitably grow to regret the time you have wasted with him.

A person's actions and not their words are what are important in judging their character. Do his actions show love and respect towards you, your opinions, and the things you hold important?

Your poor cat was living in discomfort and fear around this man. How could any human being treat an innocent animal like that?

Please, get rid of the man! Hope you did end up going to your mum's house - she and your cat sound lovely. :)

Im so so glad to hear youve gone over to your mums for some thinking space - and so so impressed with you for doing this. Well done for saving this little cat, I think it is wonderful that a little cat can tell you so much about a person. Please dont go back to him - cant say he loves you in public! You are not loosing out by leaving him - the cat has given you the boost you need to be set free - there are so so many wonderful men out there who will honor and love you and all that it you, including your little cat (who has saved you wasting any more time on this man).
Well done OP and good luck :)

Another voice in the throng here - your problems are far bigger than the cat.
This is not about him not liking cats.
This is about him calling all the shots. This is about his cruelty. This is about his controlling nature, which WILL get worse. Once he has got rid of the cat he will look for something else to throw his weight around over, and he will find it.

This is about the fact that he uses the cat to hurt and control you. No doubt you will hate to see him scaring your pet. He knows this. He knows it hurts you, and he will not stop because it asserts his authority and lets you know who is in charge. Once he has succeeded in seeing off the cat, he will turn his attention to something else he can direct. Your relationship with your mum maybe, how often you see your friends....who knows.

As for the other stuff about marriage and not being willing to say he loves you in public....none of it reads as good.

Rethink OP.

...ah, I read that too quickly, indeed! (thanks EarthMither) Yes yes, definitely take yourself and cat elsewhere for some thinking space. It's easier to be objective about what your normal life consists of when you are removed from it.

Take care.

I hate cats, DP had two when I met him when it came to living together i would never of dreamed of asking him to get rid, I learned to live with them.

They are currently both sat on the arm of my chair trying to nick my cheese toast.

Get rid of the man not the moggie

I'm upset for you and your cat and I'm really glad you're able to go to your mum's for some thinking space.

DH has never been a pet lover and can't really understand the point of pets. However, he knows that I've always had pets and that I can't imagine a home without one. Since we've been married we've always had cats. I'd also like a dog but, having had a few over the years, I'm aware of the big responsibility that dogs are and that it would be too much especially if DH wouldn't like one anyway. So we compromise. He lets me have cats and, although, he won't make a fuss of one, he'll certainly never scare one intentionally. He accepted that love me, love my cat.

When you met this man you had the cat already. Your love of cats is part of who you are and he'd be taking not only the cat away from you but part of you. After he's taken that away, what else will he take away?

This thread has really upset me.

Do not take the cat back to be near that man - it doesn't deserve to leave in fear. You have a choice - the cat doesn't. If your mother won't take the cat in then take it to a reputable rescue - look up your nearest Cat's Protection branch and tell them it's being abused at home.

If DP even hinted at being cruel to my cat he would have been out the door like a shot. No question. Anyone who is cruel to animals is a bad person. End of.

My DP is besotted with my cat. And she adores him. It makes me love him even more to be honest...