Going to be a Grandma, don't know whether to weep for joy or regret

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Have NC for this.
It's a bolt from the blue.

DS (23) announced yesterday to his Father that his Girlfriend (of 3 years) is pregnant.
DH gave me this news this morning at breakfast.

Both of them are at Uni therefore not financially independant and DH has decided that we will fund them both for next 2 years until DS has qualified.

They've got it all sorted.

It's like history repeating itself only we were financially stable when our happy accident (DS) happened.

I've spoken to DS who said it was an accident. In this day and age accidents don't happen do they?

I don't know whether to jump for joy or cry my eyes out.
They had all the time in the world to have kids.
This is life changing stuff.

Can't help but think they've left it this long (3 months) to tell us because over here that's the cut off for abortion.

My beautiful boy is going to be a father before he's had time to really enjoy life and girlfriend will be a mother at 23 (i find 23 year olds in general lacking the maturity my generation had)

I sound like an awful person i know. I'm sure once the baby's here i'll be overjoyed, but for the moment feel raw and sad.

Please give me reassurance.

3boys3dogshelp Thanks for your post.

We're not in UK and DS's degree is over 7 years. He still has 2 years to go.

I have no idea of the demands on Vet Science students in UK but over here the pressure is enormous.

DIL has potentially 6 years left to go !!!

Unlike your friends neither of them have had any other responsibility than to study.

I'd love to think that they could continue studying whilst bringing up a child but i hate to say it, i don't think they could. I would so desparately love them to prove me wrong.

The issue of contraception makes my blood boil.
I don't know the score on contraception in the catholic faith, i'm guessing any form is a no no.
Surely sex before marriage is a no no too?

I was never naive enough to imagine that two people in love wouldn't DTD but in my wildest dreams i would never have imagined them to use such a foolish contraceptive in their situation.
DS needs his head testing.

Anyway, what's done is done.

I have to say even the most devout Catholics I know use contraception , interesting that Italy has the lowest birth rate in Europe.

FWIW I know a lot of children with one Catholic and one Jewish parent, and they manage to combine traditions and beliefs quite well.

My uncle is (nominally) Lutheran and his wife is Jewish, and they are raising their young DD in the Jewish faith but with some Christian traditions.

I think it's perfectly okay to feel sad about your traditions not being passed on, but really there's no reason why they couldn't be. I'm a fairly devout Christian but I think the heritage and history of Judaism is beautiful and if my DH were Jewish I'd be happy to share it with our children. Christians were Jews first, anyway. :o

But that's all for another time, anyway. Congrats! And I hope it goes well with the in-laws.

Grandma, I think you are being very supportive with all of this, really I do. It takes some getting used to... we all want the best for our kids and you've been chucked a curved ball to get used to. You are just being very honest in this thread. I know I would feel the same (having just chatted to one of my DC's - similar age - if I was thrown this curved ball I have NO IDEA how I would feel, I am not sure I would be so magnanimous as you....)

CheerfulYank Your Uncle (male) and your Aunt (female) = Jewish DCs.
DS( male) and DIL (female) does not = Jewish DCs

Them's the rules.

Faith/religion will not be an issue for me and DH. (It will be but we'll keep schtum)

So sorry to voice such opinions but heritage is a strong bind to our extended family.

I sound like a real twunt!

Really, seriously i'm not at all like this in RL.

Voicing one's opinions on an internet forum is nothing like RL.

I'm a mother of 4 DS's who is desperately trying to keep it together.
My faith/heritage is not my number 1 priority.
(this evening is chabbat and i'm all alone, DH working, DSs 2,3,4, at a football do.)

I fear for the future. I fear for my eldest son living a life he doesn't want.

I adore my DIL, she's part of the family already, but i fear for the opportunities she may be giving up.

Of course, all of this is irrelevant, it's done.

I'm coasting between joy and frustration at the moment.

Shall get pissed on gin!

OP, you said:

Your Uncle (male) and your Aunt (female) = Jewish DCs.
DS( male) and DIL (female) does not = Jewish DCs

I don't understand that, can you explain it please?

Imperial - I am sure the OP will answer, but in Judaism being Jewish is passed down the maternal line. A jewish mother has jewish children. A non Jewish mother doesn't, even if their father is Jewish.

Pissed on gin is the answer to all of life's issues! :o

And I know that, I mean, the thing about you being Jewish if your mother is, of course. I just meant that even though he/she won't Jewish in that way, there's no reason that some traditions, etc can't still happen. :)

As I said, my mother was also 47 and hung up on me when I told her she was going to be a grandmother. And now she can't go a day without speaking to my DS. Everything will be all right.

I didn't plan on getting pregnant either. I remember going to buy the test and whispering "please no, please no" to myself or God or the universe at large. It definitely wasn't the life I planned or wanted at the time. But six years on I cannot imagine or want anything else. DS (and now little DD) are my absolute heart.

ImperialBlether In our branch of Judaism the child's "race"/religion passes down the female line.

My female cousin married out and there was minimum fuss, she brought up her DCs in the Jewish faith.

Another male cousin however married out and his DCs are not considered Jewish as their Mother is Christian.

It is a pretty ridiculous premis. Partners can convert but if not then any Jewish identity for children of non Jewish Mothers is nul and void.

I married a Jewish DH, my children are Jewish.

My DS has got his Catholic girlfriend "up the duff" and my grandchild will not be considered Jewish.

Not the end of the world. We'll love the little beauty all the same, even if he /she ends up going to mass every week!

Infact i'll go to mass with them , may learn a thing or two !!

Sorry, I understand now. I knew it passed down the female line. I just hadn't realised that CheerfulYank's aunt was Jewish and the husband wasn't.

CheerfulYank Am well and truely pissed on gin!!!
We shall (as will DS) unwittingly pass on mamy, many Jewish traditions to our future grandchild.

As i have said before, for us it's more about tradition than religion.

Congratulation Grandma.
You're there for your DS and his family to be ... no matter what.
I hope the weekend is less stressful than you perhaps envisage?

Oh gosh. I think I know where you are and the situation is far more complicated than I think most UK posters can grasp in terms of studies, financial support and religion. And I very much doubt DIL is reading this or ever likely to!

You are understandably shocked, and will probably continue to worry how they'll cope. 23 is relatively young - I had DS at 24 when we were married and had graduated and both had jobs and even though we are in a community where marrying and having children young is the norm (because they're mostly Catholic and it's difficult for spouses to do anything else in certain postings!) it was certainly seen as young by everyone else. I'm now 27 and expecting DC2 and still feeling pretty young...but it works out, and when they do stand on their own two feet there is financial support there and if she can get a childcare place there is again funding and support. It's not impossible.

A child, a grandchild is a wonderful blessing. Focus on that and keep on supporting them. There are plenty of advantages as well as the more obvious difficulties!

Congratulations grandma!

Dear OP,
Haven't read the whole thread, but I think you'll make a great Grandma - in fact you probably will make Great Grandma at this rate!

Joking aside, I don't know where you are on this, but I had my first child at 42 after many years of trying, I often wonder where I'd be if I'd had Dcs (now aged 4 and 5) earlier. One thing I do know is that my mum would have been a brilliant 'young Granny'. She is great now, and I rely on her love and support tremendously - but she is 76 and I know she wishes she was more able and more energetic than she is. She, I'm sure, would like to feel that she might be able to see them off to college. She doesn't think she'll be alive to see those milestones. The great thing is, that, all being well - you will be there and you'll get so much out of it if you want to. There must be benefits to having children that you love in your life, that your are not actually responsible for. Surely that's why people love being grandparents? As long as you are not suddenly burdened with a whole lot of stuff you don't want to do - and maybe you're just worried you won't be able to say NO - then I think you'll have a great new dimension to your life. Congratulations.

Thanks again for the kind words.
(I'm pissed, chabbat has been and gone and no sign of menfolk. DH is now also at football do, twat!))

Op I feel for you.
Ds and his gf had to finish uni early due to a pregnancy.
They were 18 and 19 and I was so upset.
Be thankfully yours can finish because I couldn't afford to support them neither could her family.
It took me awhile for it to sink in but he's 3 now and we all adore him.
They aren't exactly getting on now which is hard to see.
You just have no choice but to accept it and support them.

He's not really a twat, just wanted to type the word!

I've now gone to bed, planning tomorrow in my head.
Got menu and wine sorted, all thats left is the conversation!

DS texted to say that they're in separate bedrooms as usual.....whats the phrase....closing the stable door once the horse has bolted?

What a bloody palaver.

Oh. I was 41 btw.

Am I missing something?

They are 23, not 13. Not yet having finished uni and being established financially is a pain in the arse but aside from that, what's the problem?

Congratulations granny!

You sound so lovely and your DH (and DIL!) are lucky to have you in their corner.

You have every right to feel sad about the religion aspect but your willingless to put your son's happiness first has humbled me.

Congratulations

Haha, despite my name I'm pretty non-religious!

You sound like a lovely person reacting with shock and emotion and hope all mixed up together... I hope this thread is a support for you personally in your hour of need

:o at separate rooms. Ahhh, strict Catholic in laws...I have them myself.