Going to be a Grandma, don't know whether to weep for joy or regret

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Have NC for this.
It's a bolt from the blue.

DS (23) announced yesterday to his Father that his Girlfriend (of 3 years) is pregnant.
DH gave me this news this morning at breakfast.

Both of them are at Uni therefore not financially independant and DH has decided that we will fund them both for next 2 years until DS has qualified.

They've got it all sorted.

It's like history repeating itself only we were financially stable when our happy accident (DS) happened.

I've spoken to DS who said it was an accident. In this day and age accidents don't happen do they?

I don't know whether to jump for joy or cry my eyes out.
They had all the time in the world to have kids.
This is life changing stuff.

Can't help but think they've left it this long (3 months) to tell us because over here that's the cut off for abortion.

My beautiful boy is going to be a father before he's had time to really enjoy life and girlfriend will be a mother at 23 (i find 23 year olds in general lacking the maturity my generation had)

I sound like an awful person i know. I'm sure once the baby's here i'll be overjoyed, but for the moment feel raw and sad.

Please give me reassurance.

Congratulations.

"DH already talking about my giving up work to look after baby"

erm. NO! they are adults. And you don't even know if that's what they want. Personally I think you need to leave them to it, offer help and hope that they manage to get stuff sorted for their family between themselves.

A grandchild though, eh how lovely.

Grandma don't feel you have to sit in the naughty corner, people have their own views, we probably all project somewhat, at least you can spill here and get it off your chest.

Congratulations, hope all goes well for DS and DIL .

DuelingFanjo Thanks for the congrats.

DH has come up with many, many ideas over the past 24 hours.
Most are crazy! He's very pragmatic and still feels responsible for DS's well being (he had a nasty childhood himself).

Personally i'm not thinking past tomorrow. I want to hug them both and reassure them that we're here.

As for giving up work (which i enjoy)......no way José!!!
I'd contribute for childcare but i'm not ready to become a full time nursemaid!
Been there, done that.

Grandma... I totally get where you're coming from. You only heard yesterday and it will take some while to get used to this idea. I have DCs similar age and I won't pretend ... I would be absolutely gutted if they come home and told me this news. They are only just beginning to make their way in the world, they don't have plans to have children yet, they are in some ways grown up... in other ways not and personally I am not ready to be a grandparent. (although it's not my choice and when it happens, it happens..)

You sound level headed, wise and supportive to your DS and his girlfriend. When your kids are younger you imagine that any time they tell you they are going to be a parent will be OK, but in fact when you get to the time they are just late teens or early twenties, you realise that maybe they haven't quite matured enough for parenthood. Of course you/we embrace whatever happens, but it doesn't mean you can't be a bit taken aback and in shock!

Congratulations Grandma - I'm sure it's a lot to take in and your mind is probably whirring around with questions. You sound like a devoted mother, and I'm sure you will be a great grandmother. It's great that you managed to get your DS and DIL to tell her parents in private and in their own space. I think that's a good start.

I do, however, agree with some of the sentiments that you need to allow your DS and DIL to step up and take responsibility and make their own choices for what will become their own family. It'll be hard for them, I'm sure, but if they are in the country I think they are in, there is very good maternity provision and excellent family support - which I think your DIL should be able to access from the fourth month of her pregnancy.

My alarm bells also jangled with a few comments about religious communities, and comments you made about your DIL's parents' religious beliefs. I gather that your religious identity is very important to your life, but I hope that whatever religion your DGS/DGD is brought up with won't become a bone of contention between the two families.

ByHecuba, you did not sound smug at all! Well, not to me anyway.

Really having babies is one of the greatest thing you can do (unless you don't want children). It is life just like starting a career is or traveling, and it will make them grow in a different way.

hellie Excellent post. I know for a fact that my DS and his girlfriend are not mature enough and expect and awful lot of support, but are doing a good job. I am worried for the future

OK reading between the lines and making huge assumptions here.

The girl (woman) is from a devout Catholic family. Your son is Jewish?

Her parents were probably hoping the relationship would not go the distance and she would eventually marry a Catholic. From their point of view is it terrible that she is pregnant and not married, or is it made even worse because of your sons religion.

Do you think her parents will push for them to get married?

Hopefully by the time you all meet up both sides will have had time to take in the information. By the sounds of it her Mum will be supportive. I think understandably, her father may take some time to come round to the idea.

Good luck with it all.

Congratulations

You are understandably shell shocked and I think people can be very judgey. I hope all goes well tomorrow.

Sorry, I've read all your posts (I think) but not everyone's. Is your DS ready for the possibility that his GF's family may be expecting tomorrow's family gathering to be for the purpose of a proposal? If they already know and are religious, then they may assume this? Is it something that they have considered?

Good on you for not assuming you will give up work to be free childcare? It is great to be supportive, but not the expectation that grandparents - and particularly grandmothers- give up their own lives for free childcare.

Congratulations , You sound lovely and I am a bit at some of the horrible comments you have had on this thread.

It will all pan out for the best and you'll be a lovely grandma and continue to be a lovely support for your DS.

you never know, it could end up with you, DH and the ILs plonking yourselves down with a vat of wine between you, going 'the rhythm method?!! Pthththth!' whilst DS and DIL drink mineral water and ponder their new responsibilites.

Congratulations Grandma

Your son, while no longer a child, is still your child. In my opinion it is very hard to be a passive bystander when someone you love experiences something that will have such a profound effect on the rest of his life. Particularly when you have already experienced that "something" and are fully aware of the emotional and physical changes that it will bring.

There is nothing wrong with being there for your adult offspring when they need you. My mother still calls me "child" when we talk and I'm 45. It doesn't mean she sees me as a child.

Jacaqueen Got it in one.

Religion does play a minor part in our lives, more tradition than religion.

I always imagined a Jewish DIL who would pass down tradition to my grandchildren, that's not to be, so be it.

Religion plays an enormous part in my DIL's family life.
I understand their opposition to my DS (though i don't agree).
They won't be able to marry in church (synagogue would be out of the question).

Complicated. I shall not however apologise for DS's heritage.
He may want to convert, so be it.

The parents i hope shall see both sides...our grandchild will not be Jewish, it's not our priority. (But is a little sad, i'm sorry if that offends but am just expressing my feelings)

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom I don't think a proposal is on the cards, there again he's full of suprises at the moment.

Better get the champagne in just incase!

Viking1 Shall wax lyrical on how i was also 23 when had DS and what a joy it was

Grandma you sound absolutely lovely and your DIL is going to be lucky to have you as a MIL.

they sound like intelligent strong minded individuals, they got together against her parents wishes, so am sure they can weather this new storm!

congratulations from me too!

My mum was 41 when she had me and 36 when she had my sister so the other end of the scale isnt any better, because at age just 24 i have been left with no father and i lost my mum in may also to cancer, bottomline is there is never a right time to have a child, if you waited for the perfect time, it just wouldnt happen, its not necessarily going to be easy for either of them, all you can do is support them through it, this is their lives and much as you want to make the best decisions for them, they have to make their own even if it hurts you. xx

I said about the religion ages ago!!! nobody listens too me.let us know how it goes tomorrow x

Have just read the whole thread, and GrandmaWeLoveYou I think you saound fantastic.

Cannot relate to your situation ( DDs just 7 & 12) but have been in tears reading because we had our DDs later. I was 29 & 33. Very unfortunately my fantastic DF died when my youngest was only 2 1/2. It is a constant regret that she does not remember how much her Grandpa loved her. Had no idea how life was going to go but IF I had of known he would have died so early I surely would have had my girls earlier. Our eldest has such lovely, magical, enchanted memories of her Grandpa. It's a really magical gift I feel has been denied DD2 because she does not hold those memories.

i hope you and your DH enjoy and cherish making memories your DGC will carry with her/him through life.

What a lucky DGC

Grandma , I think that you sounds a fantastic mum, I have pondering how I would react as a mum of 3 boys to similar news. I hope I would be as sensible and supportive as you are.

Best of luck tomorrow

Grandma you don't need to apologise for your son's heratige and anyone who makes you feel you should is wrong, wrong and wrong again. Not to mention being unreasonable.

Good luck for tomorrow, hopefully GF's parents will be on best behavior for their hosts secretly wonders if that was DS's idea, if so -clever move

Congratulations

A close friend has just been round. Just couldn't help myself but tell her the news.

I cried alot and they were tears of joy....eureka!

(Note to self: mustn't tell anyone else)

(Did tell my own DGM last night, i have no mother and she's my surrogate. She was over the moon, a Great Great Grandchild!)

Thankyou all for your lovely (mostly) posts.
This is a wierd experience and one that for me needed sharing.

Once we're given the green light to tell the world then i'll leave you alone.
I have alot of RL support/shared joy, just can't speak yet. (IYSWIM)

Hi grandma and congratulations!

Apologies I haven't read all the posts. I am a vet and one of my friends at uni got pregnant in fourth year (5 year course). She stopped for a year, he carried on and passed with flying colours. It was not a disaster at all. And they had no family nearby to help with childcare, not even in the country. As far as I know they had no family financial support - he took a part time job. Incidentally so did a lot of my friends and still managed the degree fine so it is definitely possible.
I know it's not the situation you would choose for them and their lifestyle will change but they are adults and they will be fine.