Going to be a Grandma, don't know whether to weep for joy or regret

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Have NC for this.
It's a bolt from the blue.

DS (23) announced yesterday to his Father that his Girlfriend (of 3 years) is pregnant.
DH gave me this news this morning at breakfast.

Both of them are at Uni therefore not financially independant and DH has decided that we will fund them both for next 2 years until DS has qualified.

They've got it all sorted.

It's like history repeating itself only we were financially stable when our happy accident (DS) happened.

I've spoken to DS who said it was an accident. In this day and age accidents don't happen do they?

I don't know whether to jump for joy or cry my eyes out.
They had all the time in the world to have kids.
This is life changing stuff.

Can't help but think they've left it this long (3 months) to tell us because over here that's the cut off for abortion.

My beautiful boy is going to be a father before he's had time to really enjoy life and girlfriend will be a mother at 23 (i find 23 year olds in general lacking the maturity my generation had)

I sound like an awful person i know. I'm sure once the baby's here i'll be overjoyed, but for the moment feel raw and sad.

Please give me reassurance.

Wish they were coming here today as planned.
Can't stand waiting.
Not seen DS for nearly 2 months.

Congratulations! Hopefully the inlaws have been told by now. At least you have had afew days for it to sink in? Are you abroad then? I keep reading this as if you are uk based but then you mention religious communities etc and it starts to sound more hot and exotic! I can see it from her parents viewpoint as medical training requires so much more especially when she is going to me moved all over the shop as part of her training. Even when she is qualified. I don't think being stuck in the countryside is going to be practical for her. Unless the program is different where you are?

Ps what confrontation? It's not your fault!

I'm 18 years old. I'm also currently pregnant. I've been with my partner since I was 14, and we were using protection (condoms and the pill) when I fell pregnant. We're both university students and to be honest, although money is going to be tight, we'll be absolutely fine.

Just make sure you're there to support your son and his partner as much as you can (I don't mean financially) because my mum has been absolutely invaluable during my pregnancy. She's been there for me 100% and I don't know how I would have coped without her.

Lighthousekeeping We're abroad but nowhere exotic (just bloody hot at the moment!). DH is one of them foreigners!

As for confrontation, DIL is the youngest of 7. Her Father sees her as the baby of the family (even though by anyone's standards she's a fully fledged woman).

I can imagine that the Father sees my son as the rogue who deflowered his baby girl.
He's never taken to my son. It's a religious issue. At least DIL had the chutzpah to continue the relationship inspite of her Father's evident dissaproval.(sp?)

My DH is usually quite laid back but any slight on his boys and he turns into a loon!

Can't wait for tomorrow (may go into hiding with made up headache)

Actually op, as others have hinted at here, I think my warning bells are clanging with good reason.

You describe yourself as 'supportive' but how supportive is it to post on an public forum, in great detail the circumstances surrounding another woman's pregnancy? How supportive is it to make this really important, life changing event so much about you, when really you should be accepting that you are now a peripheral figure in someone else's pregnancy? How supportive is it to offer to give up work to look after this child, but to offer that help with conditions, as though you're negotiating with a couple of naughty toddlers? I know you're not taking criticism well but surely you didn't expect a thread full of posts only viewing things from your point of view?

I think you and dh need to take a big step back & watch your dh & dil make a go of things under their own steam. They're not young, they're a perfectly normal age to be starting a family, planned or otherwise.

Futterby Congratulations.
You sound extreemly mature and capable of bringing up a child and being a fantastic Mum.

Your own Mum sound brilliant, you're very lucky indeed.

All the best for the months to come, Motherhood is one of the greatest gifts.

Congratulations,
Have been lurking, so I'm glad to hear her parents have been told with minimal fuss.

One thing I wanted to suggest is that your fears about your son's immaturity may be unfounded. My own DH reverts to a 14 year old every time he discusses anything with his parents. Apparently, all his carefully thought-out points go out of the window and there he is, being advised by his Dad, yet again.

We all revert to childhood patterns of behaviour/the same family dynamics when with our relatives, so he could be a very different person when away from you.

I think if your son knows that you still see him as immature, senses your lack of confidence in him, he will probably act accordingly when around you.

FWIW, I'm 26.
The birth of my now 14moDD has been the most life-enriching thing ever to happen to me. I cannot see how any extra years spent with a loved one can ever be considered wasted.

Congratulations again.

I had DS1 at 22, and DS2 at 24. DH was 24 and 26. We coped, and are still together 13 years later. It'll be fine.

Religious issues? Honestly who do they think they are? That would drive me round the bend. Will religious differences be an issue once the baby is born?

I'm also wondering if DIL is committed to medicine? It's going to be terribly hard with a young baby. I'm wondering whether she will change to another science branch that will lead to better money and hours.

Good luck for tomorrow. The FIL sounds like a right barrel of laughs.

I had my children late in life, I am in my 40s and my youngest is 16 months. And one thing I regret having them so late is that it means I will have less time to spend with them. As ByHecuba says it means your son will have a lot of extra time with his child and that is a good thing.

BangOn What conditions?!

I'm posting on an annonymous forum! My family all live abroad and have no idea that MN even exists!

Would you rather i kept all this to myself? Can't tell anyone in RL.

This situation isn't all about me but this thread mostly is. (ain't that the point?)

DH and I are standing back.
We're here to listen and give advice when asked for.
DH and I have discussed various options together but are not discussing them with DS and DIL.

This is their life first and foremost but circumstances dictate that they will need some help......we're here to give that help.

The pair of them have had 2 months to cogitate and are still no way near getting their heads around the situation.

Thanks for advice. We'll stand back so bleedin far that they can't see us anymore and feel like we don't give a shit.

I repeat......i found out YESTERDAY!!!!

Please have a on me

I wanted to be supportive yesterday, but it's beginning to sound a wee bit controlling now, and I recognise the sound of controlling parents.

'......have we cosseted our kids too much? Are they prepared for the big wide world? ' - it's an unexpected pregnancy, they've not murdered anyone.

'We rang DS last night and suggested they go to see GF's parents on the way to us' this man is going to be saving lives, or livestock, within a five year timeframe - I'm sure he make some decisions himself.

'DH basically told DS to "grow a pair" and get on with it.' - nice.

Bangon the OP only heard the news yesterday!

She was and still is shocked. How many of us would treat the news of an unexpected pregnancy between two students with unadulterated glee?

Working out her feelings and indeed the practicalities on an anonymous forum is far better than doing it in real life where emotions can run high.

And tbh, it's not as if the OP and her DH have no involvement here. Her son and DIL are not independent. Not remotely. They are completely financially dependent on their families They probably don't even have anyhwere to live. If both are to continue with their studies then their parents will have to help. No choice.

This pregnancy will, in reality, impact upon the OP and her DH.

Fafette; I hope I didn't sound smug or self-satisfied in the above.
Things could easier for Dh and me, cash-wise, but I know we were lucky to have DD when we did, as many can't for various reasons.
It does get my goat when people see loving family relationships- namely those with our children- as peripheral concerns and distractions from the 'important' things in life, such as a good career. None of us know what is going to happen tomorrow (sorry for the cliché,) so as we are not anywhere near suffering through poverty, I would rather we had her now than in ten years time.

CatsAndTheirPizza Have you actually read this thread? (with the exception of your choice editing of certain phrases?)

Have you been in this situation?

Are you a perfect parent?

If so, sorry for aggression and have a

OP I don't know why people are expecting you to just smile and start knitting!

The reality, as I understand it, is that these two young people have no income and no home. They are entirely dependent.

I'm not quite sure how people envisage this panning out if you just step back...

Yes, I have read the thread.

I have also seen first hand the damage that parents paying out for off-spring's education and expecting a return on it can do.

Yes, your reply was agtgre

Hit 'post' too early ...

Yes, your reply was aggressive.

wordfactory I just think MN is becoming more and more snidey on even the most innocuous of threads.

Shame because it discourages people from posting who may really need the support.

CatsAndTheirPizza What return ??

I really don't get your posts.

I think i get the "return" thing.....
when DS qualifies i'll get free Vet service if ever my fuckin cat chokes on pizza.

(perks of being his mum)

I think you're projecting cats!

Where has the OP said she expects anything for funding her DS university studies?

All she has said is that where she lives, she has to fund it and that her DS can't get a job in addition to his studies.

If he is to carry on with his studies, then OP and her DH will have to continue supporting DS plus a baby and possibly their DIL, until such point as she can work or go back to her studies (presuming her parents will continue to suppoprt her financially).

Grandma I totally understand your concerns. My DS is only 22 and has 2 kids, he loves them to bits and works very hard to provide for them. But I do worry that he has missed on being young and free before settling down to this. Also I have to say and will probably get slammed for saying this but I was not over thrilled at being made a Grandma, I still have a young son to provide for, work a 40 hour week but expected to be the grandma and enjoy it.

Not projecting actually - just reading the words on my screen.

I haven't time to rake through examples, but I'm not the only person to react like this to the thread. There are plenty of threads on here that are full of nothing but support.