Going to be a Grandma, don't know whether to weep for joy or regret

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Have NC for this.
It's a bolt from the blue.

DS (23) announced yesterday to his Father that his Girlfriend (of 3 years) is pregnant.
DH gave me this news this morning at breakfast.

Both of them are at Uni therefore not financially independant and DH has decided that we will fund them both for next 2 years until DS has qualified.

They've got it all sorted.

It's like history repeating itself only we were financially stable when our happy accident (DS) happened.

I've spoken to DS who said it was an accident. In this day and age accidents don't happen do they?

I don't know whether to jump for joy or cry my eyes out.
They had all the time in the world to have kids.
This is life changing stuff.

Can't help but think they've left it this long (3 months) to tell us because over here that's the cut off for abortion.

My beautiful boy is going to be a father before he's had time to really enjoy life and girlfriend will be a mother at 23 (i find 23 year olds in general lacking the maturity my generation had)

I sound like an awful person i know. I'm sure once the baby's here i'll be overjoyed, but for the moment feel raw and sad.

Please give me reassurance.

Well, congratulations and glad that it's all sorted out.

I hope you don't give up your job (he was joking, right?).

Finally, tell your DIL that the rhythm method is crap.
The Catholic church allows better methods, based on self observation and temperature.
She should be properly trained (she can ask at her local gp for a referral).

And the method only works well with stable couples who can avoid intercourse at the wrong times.

My guess is that your DS and DIL didn't really care that much about preventing a baby. :)

Lweji much as i don't like to dwell on the sex side of things (he is my DS afterall and therefore in my eyes asexual!! Much like ones parents etc!)
Whats all this abstaining about? Whilst on menstral cycle?

Grandma - People chart their temperatures and observe changes in their secretions (sorry, waaaaay too much information) until they become very familiar with the indications of their own ovulation and avoid intercourse during those periods. There was a product to help a while back - think it was called Persona or something. Of course, for it to work you actually have to avoid those times! Some people use it to only use condoms at risk y times, or because they don't believe in direct contraception.

She has to make up her mind though, if she's determined to follow the Catholic path. Either she uses no contraception, uses the rhythm method (my mother had a very, very large family in that way) or she abstains from sex before marriage.

The choice is hers. She's learned the hard way that she can't have it both ways.

I'm really glad it wasn't as bad as you feared with your ILs. I wonder now, though, whether the pressure will be on for them to marry.

Ok, i get it, one abstains during most fertile period.
Does that mean no sex 2 weeks per month?!
Can you do other things or sex of any form just not on?!

(What a tough thing to ask of a couple. Is it the pope who decides or has this been the case since time inmemorial?)
(Sorry to sound so dumb but i have led a very sheltered life!)

I am not Catholic, but I don't think there are restrictions on what couples do other than intercourse. It's not a 'purity' thing. It's more of a 'blind eye' approach to the contraception ban! Of course, they are meant to be married so it's all a bit academic

Charting methods are more reliable than simple calendar methods because they allow for individual variation.

Yes, it will result in no sex for a chunk of time in the middle of the cycle, plus during menstruation if the couple prefer not to.

It's a way of pretending you are abiding by the no contraception rule whilst merrily avoiding the time of the month when you are fertile.

Of course most women don't know exactly when they are fertile, hence the likelihood of pregnancy. Your DIL, with her access to ovulation predictors etc, still couldn't tell and I'm sorry, but this is a hard lesson for her to learn that it isn't a valid contraceptive method.

Yes, even used well, these methods are more a way of encouraging family spacing - i.e. ok if a pregnancy isn't a disaster but you'd rather prefer not right now.

I still can't quite get my head around someone who is happy to have sex before marriage but not to use proper contraception though. Millions of practising and married Catholics ignore the no contraception rule. Just look at all the Catholic families in the UK with 2/3 children. It's pretty much a rule everyone pretends exists but doesn't really in many communities.

Maybe your DIL is just so sheltered that she hadn't thought about the failure rate. Even 90% sounds quite good until you realise that means that 1 in 10 who didn't want to get pregnant did!

Accidents do happen!!! But it's an absolute blessing!!! Sorry to judge but mums of boys will never be happy!!! It doesn't matter about the fact you say he hasn't 'lived' yet...it's his/her decision & I'm sure he will make a wonderful father!!! Enjoy it!!! Being a nanny is great!!! ;-)

Have you actually read the thread Mumtolilh - or just the first post. It has moved on quite a lot.

I also find your generalisations about mums of boys rather offensive. And that's as someone with no vested interest because I just have girls.

Mumtolilh, what are you talking about, "mums of boys will never be happy"? That's such rubbish.

And why does it not matter that the OP thinks her son hasn't lived yet? Surely that is something to worry about when they have a baby when they're studying?

Just my opinion! I have problems with my mil never being happy because I 'took her son away'
We are wonderful parents & my dh is a great father but my mil is still not happy! Friends of mine have had the same experiences! I'm just saying it doesn't matter that he hasn't 'lived' yet! That baby is an absolute blessing...what's done is done...she should be happy!

She has to make up her mind though, if she's determined to follow the Catholic path.

Well, quite. :)

I used to tell teenagers at catechesis that they were not supposed to have sex before marriage, but if they did then they should use a condom (venereal diseases).
We used to have those discussions and some people just don't get it. It's still a problem in some countries, where partners are not faithful but refuse to wear condoms. It's not about religion but convenience. Sigh.

Ps: Amanda
I don't have time to read 288 posts as I have better things to do with my life! I am entitled to talk about my life experiences! Mums of boys experiences!

Grandma, there was a decision at Church level that only "natural" methods are allowed. (can't remember at which point)

It is not absolutely consensual at all levels, though, and lots of catholic couples use the pill or condoms.

Some methods have the risk of causing an abortion and others waste the semen (there's something in the bible about that as well, and the withdrawal method is frowned upon too for that reason).

Natural methods can be used if the women has problems with (my SIL) or doesn't want other methods.

I used them before having DS (planned, btw), but not so easy post-birth when breastfeeding and until the first period comes.

I only mentioned this because most people are not aware of how these methods work. And neither was/is your DIL if she was simply using the rhythm method. :)

I'm another who had a child as a student. I was also 23 and it was unplanned. Ds1 ploughed his way through 2 modes of contraception to exist so accidents definitely do happen!

I went to part time and finished my degree. Dh continued at full time, graduated and yes, made some adjustments and compromises as he needed to stay local for me to finish my degree so he applied for all graduate schemes in the general area. Abortion was never an option for us. We knew we wanted children one day so we just went for it and as I got close to graduated we talked and decided to just continue with having a family so I was 5 months with dc2 when I graduated as we didn't want the age gap that my getting settled into a career would have created. We are happy. Ok so we didn't get to do the travel etc that we had planned before settling down and having children but so what? I look at my uni peers and are they happier? I don't think so, they ahve had the holidays, the time on 2 incomes but so what! A lot of the women are now getting angsty wondering when their other halves will finally agree to have children, they are suddenly realising how little time there is left before age creeps up on them. The world will stil be there when my children are grown. We have 3 dc now and I am retraining, when I start work dh will take a step back and work out what he wants to be when he grows up :-).

Totally agree! Everything happens for a reason...& u make the best of wha u have...you only live once! ;)

*what

Mumto - she is happy. You didn't bother to read all her posts. fine, don't read the whole thread, but if does mean you are coming our with comments not relevant to the current situation. Also, you seem not to understand the difference between giving your own experiences and generalising to all mums of boys.

This site just gets worse! This is a site to give your own opinion! If she's 100% happy why worry/moan about it! Count it utterly as a blessing!

She was shocked and has understable worries. Life isn't as simple as you are making out. People can be happy and still have reservations. She can be happy and worry. She can be happy and wish it had happened later. And shock can make them feel very differently whilst something sinks in.

If you don't want to read the thread mumtolilh, then at least read the OP's posts.

She's happy now.
People do change their minds, even through the course of a thread, you know.

No. It isnt just you, but most of those responses were in the early stages.

And the right to have an opinion is not the same as the right to have that opinion go unchallenged.