Going to be a Grandma, don't know whether to weep for joy or regret

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Have NC for this.
It's a bolt from the blue.

DS (23) announced yesterday to his Father that his Girlfriend (of 3 years) is pregnant.
DH gave me this news this morning at breakfast.

Both of them are at Uni therefore not financially independant and DH has decided that we will fund them both for next 2 years until DS has qualified.

They've got it all sorted.

It's like history repeating itself only we were financially stable when our happy accident (DS) happened.

I've spoken to DS who said it was an accident. In this day and age accidents don't happen do they?

I don't know whether to jump for joy or cry my eyes out.
They had all the time in the world to have kids.
This is life changing stuff.

Can't help but think they've left it this long (3 months) to tell us because over here that's the cut off for abortion.

My beautiful boy is going to be a father before he's had time to really enjoy life and girlfriend will be a mother at 23 (i find 23 year olds in general lacking the maturity my generation had)

I sound like an awful person i know. I'm sure once the baby's here i'll be overjoyed, but for the moment feel raw and sad.

Please give me reassurance.

I can't help but imagine in another universe there is a 23 year old woman posting about how her partner's mother views him as a beautiful boy who has had his young life cut short due to her (not them) expecting a baby. She wishes they just had one parent who could be unconditionally accepting and loving about being a grandparent. I mean, they're not exactly teenagers any more. And she loves her partner, although he's been a bit of a mummy's boy.
Also, they're worried about when they break the news about him dropping his studies and being the stay-at-home-parent.

oh, for goodness' sake, Vivacia, give it a rest. Have you actually read the entire thread?

MrsOakenshield Thankyou xxx

Yes, I've read every post just now.

and what? The OP isn't allowed to express her perfectly legitimate concerns on an anonymous forum regarding both her Ds's and DiL's futures?

I've noticed a weird thing sometimes on MN that some people think that every single pregnancy should be greeted by all and sundry with immediate cries of joy, and that any expression of concern that perhaps it isn't (certainly when you first hear about it) the greatest thing, is some kind of sign of hatefulness. What is it with that?

Vivacia, you are reading something different from the rest of us. I am reading about a grandmother-to-be who is has made a conscious effort to support her son and Dil against their traditional and negative parents. The fact that she is in a culture and in a situation which means that this needs to be a conscious effort is neither here nor there: the point is that she is making it. Good for her!

MrsOakenshield - exactly. All those threads where someone has fallen accidentally pregnant with a new (perhaps uncommitted) partner. And all most people say is 'oh you will manage, how lovely' despite a lack of money, support and everything else. Bloody ridiculous.

That is not how the real world operates.

Also apparently one is supposed to disengage completely from ones offspring once they are about 17 and let them do exactly as they please without offering any advice or support, or even giving a shit about what happens to them.

Well, I'm not sure I can answer your questions as I don't recognise the truth of what you're saying. Not saying you're lying, just that I've not seen it myself.

However, I'm not sure what there is in this pregnancy that means it shouldn't be greeted with joy.

Oh and just one small point- having a baby won't stop them from travelling: babies are very portable! My db took his toddler and later young son inter-railing all over Europe. My parents travelled with their 2yo from Sweden to Greece on the train. Heiko Bleher, the famous explorer and fish collector, was taken all over Amazonas by his mother as a small child.

Cory, I think there's been a mixed response to the OP, so some people are reading this the same way as me.

Alibaba, this is an adult couple. I agree that it falling during the woman's studies might be disruptive, but it's been managed before (that's how the real world operates in my experience). The worse case here is that the beautiful boy will have to work long hours in his well-paid job in a position in his father's business. My real world experience is that not everybody is as fortunate.

I don't want to derail grandma's thread and wish the family all the very best.

Vivacia Thanks for your kind words, what a shame you didn't comment yesterday when i was at my most fragile.

Please read again everyone of my posts. If they still offend then so be it but rest assured as of today our family is getting on with things together as per my DS and DIL's wishes.

I've said it before but it's worth repeating.....we're doing our best.

vivacia if I had been the pregnant medical student I can guarantee that my mother would not have been shedding tears of joy!She would have thought that I'd ruined my life,career,her investment in my education etc.And she would have partly been right,it would have made things a lot more difficult.
I think it's fair enough for parents to have expectations for their children and natural to feel disappointment if they are not met.
In this case the OP has accepted the situation and is going to be supportive which is brilliant.
I for one might not have been so lucky!

Vivacia - as many people have pointed out, yes they are an adult couple, but they are a totally financially dependent couple who are both from communities where this is expected and normal. You cannot view the rest of the world through your lens and pass judgement.

What is clear is that the OP's son and DIL don't really view themselves as an independent adult couple, otherwise they would have a plan and would have told their respective parents much sooner.

Just to add. He is and always will be my beautiful boy. I've been blessed with 4 beautiful boys.

The term "boy" is not derogatory, my MIL refers to her "boys" the eldest of which is 62 !

I am not some stereotypical Jewish mother who keeps her children tied to her apron strings ad infinitum.

I am a standard mother who loves (no, adores) her kids and would do anything to help them.

My DIL is the future mother of my DS's child and i respect that.
She will or should always take precedence over me or DH, that's normal, no?

Grandma if it helps, I had my DD at 20, and have just graduated with a first class honors degree.

Having a child doesnt stop you from doing what you want to do as long as you don't let it

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Good on you, congratulations xx

Thank you very much! I have also been accepted onto a masters, so anything is possible

When dp announced to his parents that we were having a child part way into his final year of vet school - his dad swore and his mum cried ... We were 24 and no one celebrated. Our friends were horrified ...

We took no money from anyone and when the HV came to visit us after his birth she spoke for a while then said 'why are you living here' it made us fiercely independent but was quite lonely for a few years as our peers continued to party and travel and we changed bums

Life has been good to us and we have reared many children - looking back there were times of wild jealousy of our friends but I know they sometimes felt the same of us

Still together after all this time in spite of indications at the time - I love being 45 with a 21 year old - we were the youngest at his graduation!

Grandma glad the BBQ went as well as it Did, was never going To be the best of lunches once the DILs parents were told the happy news.

But wow at that pushy text!

It will be fine! My dsis had her dd at 20. Now she is in her early forties and her dd is all grown up and she can do what she likes while I'll still be raising my boys into my 60's and will never have a life of my own! It was tough while she was in college but I envy her now.

I don't think the rhythm method or NFP are stupid if you're prepared to deal with the consequences if/when they arise. DS was the result of a gamble on a day that wasn't completely okay with NFP, but while we weren't trying we weren't in the situation above. Sometimes hormonal or barrier methods aren't an option for whatever reason (my body just doesn't tolerate extra hormones) but then you need to either accept pregnancy is much more likely or not have sex.

I am embarrassed asking this, but what is the rhythm method? what days do you avoid? or do you use contraception only on certain days and if so which days? is it quite wide, like would you abstain or use contraception days 10-18?

Adora was indeed a pushy text , she's a pushy woman!
She acts like that with me as she's known me all my life.
That's no excuse but she has a different relationship with me than with my SILs who joined the family as adults IYSWIM. (Plus i am an absolute pushover!)

Spending afternoon with DIL. Just the 2 of us.

DH started calling me Grandma, much to his hilarity.
Wanted me to call him Grandad this morning, i obliged.
He's getting so excited that i'm concerned he may have a seizure of some form!

So, for the moment all goes well.

(As for the rhythm method , we're ignorîng that side of things. It's their affair.)

Littlet so sorry you had little support.
Rest assured that we are doing out upmost to help shoulder the burden (not that the baby will be a burden)

My initial reaction was horrid. Ateast i only voiced my concerns here and not to DS and DIL.

DIL having a lie down, this heat is ghastly.
Poor girl hardly slept.
Cant imagine whats going through her mind.
Her parents are going to take some coming round.

I hope she opens up this afternoon. I can listen to her and give solicited advice.
Just want to hug the girl and promise that all will be ok.