Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

nora nice to see you. I remember you too. I seem to remember no fridge at one point!! Glad all is ok.

lahti agree that all smacks of control (yet again)

I've been feeding the ducks with DD today ...

Hey nora I remember the no fridge too! still a new flat with no fridge probably beats a house with all mod cons including FW.

It may be only a screen, but you're never alone with MN :)

rose really we are here for you through your move and after. the vixens is open at all kinds of weird hours.

yes there are lonely moments. but there are lonely moments when you are in an rs where no one else understands what is going on and you cannot really talk about your life properly to anyone. you can't talk about secretly wishing today was the day when he just didn't come home. ever. again. then wondering when he is going to come home because it is late.

and there is all the other nonsense to read on MN, and knitting ninjas, reading, tv- watching anything you like! films that you can start watching any time you like and stop watching if you don't like them (without him sitting there throwing popcorn at his face as fast as possible as it were a competition...a competition in which it does not matter if it ends up on the floor or couch because well he isn't going to be cleaning it up is he?). you can chat on the phone for hours and say whatever you like without someone listening, swinging in a hammock drinking gin

skype. (hey there is an idea we could have an MN skype night in the vixens some time)

exercise DVDs, dancing in the living room to any old music you choose. walking about in your pants. cooking in the kitchen without being molested while you do it. eating what you like without someone either telling you it is fattening or asking you 'what is this supposed to be' or 'where is mine' or 'how come you didn't make me some too' or 'how come your food always looks nicer than mine'
(ok so this is all quite a personal list about my FW)

having friends round to visit without worrying about an atmosphere. or him turning up half an hour late when everyone is starving and waiting for him. and not even apologising.

flowers everywhere because you are worth it.

no sitting on the couch watching for him coming up the path or listening for the scraping of the keys in the lock and getting tense...no going to bed and pretending to be asleep so he will leave you alone...or being in bed fast asleep and getting woken up by the light being turned on...no more just getting it over with for some peace and quiet...no more being elbowed in bed...no more him putting his stinky feet on the pillow because he has decided to sleep at the other end of the bed
no more having a bath and him insisting on coming in to use the toilet...

reading Lundy and it is my life now blatantly and in the open. getting up in the morning and not being shouted at. the sheer joy of not being shouted at.

honestly being an LP really is not so bad honey...it has its definite plus points and it is your life. all yours to enjoy.

I love love minks idea of having flowers every day. As for the dictator question, if the guy says Stalin run a mile!!! (FW is a little bit in love with him and has tonnes of books about him).

I remember you well. Glad to hear you escaped, I hope you and yours are doing well.

Lahti, my FW also gets our CB and no way of persuading him to give it to me. Instead he transfers 'my half' as part of our financial 'I owe you this much, you owe me this much' settlings we do at the end of every month. It sucks. Don't let him get away with it.

Rose, don't be guilty about following your calling. What's important is setting a good role model for your little DD, so she sees how self-reliant her Mummy is and how you should do your best to be who you want. I try to think like this everytime I drop DD off at nursery (she goes 4 days a week). But I sympathise, it is really hard.

FW drove me to work today (rare occurance) and we nearly had an accident. The other driver was at fault but I saw it coming before he did - apparently me screaming 'stop stop!' to him didn't give him enough information to respond to the situation in other words why should he ever listen to anything I say. Thank God DD was not in the car at the time.

Found out at the weekend that close friends of ours are having another baby. Cue FW trying to 'persuade' me, in public, that we needed to have another. Apparently we 'have to have 3'. . Erm, fuck off much?

Still havn't had anything in the post from the solicitor. It's been over a week now. Should I chase? It's being sent to me at work so no chance of FW finding it at least.

nora the most recent answer I got was Arnie. probably not a FW answer I also ask if I can without seeming totally random, so when was the last time you were in a fight?
and of course the crucial, always tricky co-parenting, how do you get on with your ex?
answers have included:
-fine, for which i feel very very lucky.
-OK. we manage and it is important for the sake of the kids.

• it costs me £4000 just so I could get to see my kid. so not that well. (also sited her 'insecurities' as the reason they split up)

guess which one of those I am thinking might be a FW?

I'm sorry I can only post quickly, I will catch up with you all later. I just wanted to respond quickly to this, with apologies if someone else already said this.

Rose said, 'last night was the first time I had a glimpse into what nights at home will be like as a single mum. The evening felt really long and lonely.....'. Sweetie, that was because you were in a house with someone else who you had thought would be your life companion, but for one reason and another has turned your life into a nightmare.

When you have your training, your job, new friends, a new location, your dd has new friends, your whirlwind life, evenings will be packed with trying to keep up with chores, MN, friends on the phone, coursework, getting DD's things ready for childminder/school, organising playdates, remembering this that and the other, really, you might want someone to share things with, but you won't have that awful lonely feeling which comes from knowing that person who is in the house with you and should be sharing those things is not. If that makes sense.

Ah, I note mink wrote a really comprehensive list of why it is so much better without a FW.

Nini - chase it, there's no harm in a phonecall.

mink that's a great list.

Just wanted to share my day with you lovely ladies. Our WA Children & Young People worker gave us a list of summer activities that they were running. I took it, but didn't think we would go to any - the prospect of not knowing anyone, plus knowing why we were all there, seemed too scary.

However, now DS1 is back from his Dad's, today I surprised myself and we went along to one - a 'build a den' day at a local park. And it was utterly, utterly fantastic. The WA workers were so so nice, friendly, welcoming, funny, great with the kids. It was strange looking at all the other ladies there and wondering what they have all been through, but it was also nice to chat about nothing in particular with them. And DS1 had a brilliant time building the den, having a picnic, and then playing football with his new mates. I felt a little overcome at the thought of it all, it meant such a lot to me to see DS1 joining in and being confident, and to be out and about, being brave, with other women who have been through stuff as well. Everyone was lovely, and we had a great day. I am hoping to go along to a couple of other days over the summer as well now, and DS1 will get to see his new friends again.

sounds good pony. i didn't even know WA did that kind of thing.

YAY pony today sounds fantastic!! so glad you went and are going to go to another one I didn't know they did those things either, they would have been really good when DS was younger I was very isolated for a while.
Rose DD will not be little for long and then they are not in bed as soon and you can stay out longer and you wish they were in bed as you grab that hour max to yourself before your own bedtime mink's list of things you can do is wonderful...I may do some of them myself, I sometimes forget to enjoy myself lol
Glad you had fun with the ducks bounty the sunshine is making things better, had an impromptu tea out with DS and my Mum tonight, sat outside.. bliss, the little things ey! Broke the news to DS about cafacass coming to see him yesterday, he says he will not let them in not told him FW (I don't call him that to DS by the way.. if cafcass or FFJ are reading) is going to send him things yet god knows what state whatever he sends will end up in, DS will go mad.

Your future is going to be so wonderful rose it really is.

Rose you have all this to look forward to. It'll be wonderful, you'll see.

Rose I am 40, and have seen a pattern of EA in relationships, from childhood through to adulthood. It can be done. It's a process, yes, but nor necessarily painful, not all of it. Some of it is quite enlightening and freeing. I can't give any firm advice about getting over 'needing' validation, other than just practice it in small ways. Ages ago someone posted a poem about being disapproved of. I have it on my desktop, and I refer to it often. You'll get there.

Also 40, also abusive childhood, also one abusive relationship after the other. Realsing the pattern, getting out, painful, scary, but necessary to start feeling like I can be my own person. Actually amazing. And I am not even very far along the road.

Do you think the people who have normal childhoods, loving families, self-confidence etc realise what a gift they have been given? Because to me, the freedom be myself seems like a gift.

what I have gleaned from it's my life now so far.
chapter on how could you love an abuser- paraphrasing -if you can love someone for their good qualities despite the fact they are a twunt and still feel sympathy for their pain, then you have an enormous capacity for love and you should spend some of it on yourself.

makes sense. so put down the big sticks ladies and be kind to yourselves

if you can love someone for their good qualities despite the fact they are a twunt and still feel sympathy for their pain, then you have an enormous capacity for love and you should spend some of it on yourself.
I like this especially since I'm so tired this morning that I'm practically crying with exhaustion. I'm going to try to be kind to myself today.

Also, regarding history of EA, I did have a brief spell of not being in EA relationships so I think it is possible to break the cycle and take lessons forward and apply them. (I know it seems odd to say when I'm in an EA relationship just now but they were reasons why I was vulnerable at the start of this).

rose I wish I had addressed what you feel now years ago - I ignored it and now I have to face it, it is actually making me feel on some days much better than I have in years but at first it was horrific. The fact you `feel' this is good IMO. I refused to feel anything, it has cost me dear. Work through the bad feelings but don't fight them, I promise they will not stick around for ever. This is an amazing time for you to heal so much hurt and move on with your life in a very positive way- you are still young and have so much life to look forward to. I'm 40 too!!
winnie I felt like that this morning - I seem to be having good day/bad day at the moment which is betetr than bad day - bad day so I am keeping the faith.

me too winnie me too. and yy better to facing up to it and working through it. the through being the most important bit because that means there is another side to get to and we will get there

I am taking it to mean both that you should be kind to yourself but also if you can still love a FW even some of the time despite it all and still see them as human and understand them even a little, then as well as being kind to yourself, you should be able to forgive yourself for having loved them in the first place. Because this is one of the sticks I beat myself with. why? why would I love him?
I think we often find it far harder to forgive or understand in ourselves what we would so easily empathise with in others. So, I am going to answer myself by saying: why? because I too am only human. We all make mistakes. (bounty and breathe I think you particularly have been trying to tell me this very kindly for months and I have been forgetting to listen)
Time to forgive myself. and also look positively to the future and think that I should give myself another chance because unlike FW I can change myself...

GS if you are lurking. nice to see you today
just wanted to say you are one of my personal heroes. for going through everything you did in rl and here on MN, which was often very tough, and picking yourself up and getting out. I hope life is being kind to you and the dcs and you are healing.