Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I agree crush that line from mink is great - and I will use
Charlotte that is the thing, for it to be slow it means more money from me - it's wrong - why should I have to pay financially because of him on top of having to pay financially for everything. Don't get me wrong DS's safety is the main thing for me and I would pay whatever it took but it sends out the wrong messages and does not make him any better his sociopathic skills are being rewarded.
Regarding research this is really good: dera.ioe.ac.uk/11165/1/DCSF-RR113.pdf
an absent per se is not the main cause of bad outcomes as mink said and especially given that my DS has NO relationship with FW and it is only the court case preventing me from having enough money and he has NO money and needs help to support himself - I will use this report in the case if I need to. There is the issue of identity which I support hence previous work with DS but his indirect contact tells DS nothing at all about his identity, which it was I was barking about yesterday.
You are right mink that the court have to investigate but if they were not going to take evidence subbimited by me AND someone HE nominated to be witness, they should have said and what is happening now could of happened then, we are two hearings further on from that now - it has created months more upset for DS and of course a lot more money for the lawyers, so hey they mind not - I really laboured this point at the last hearing. SS do not want to do either being honest for many reasons, they see it as wrong and far too down the line for it. We will have to see but I have two more months till the report get completed and they have not been in touch yet . trying to ignore cloud above head on such a sunny day.
Charlotte _ I hope things are ok when they get back - the feeling of aprehension is just the worst feeling I like team building.

Sorry, I am going on again - Fw actually said no to SS involvement two hearings ago - as it would take to long and mean they looked into his life a bit more but when he didn't get what he wanted via thw witness he chose, he was allowed to change his mind. Now who wrote that line in a book about changing rules ah mr bancroft, they are always his rules and we all must abide by them, I am just shocked the court allow it.

better with the greatest of sympathy for your situation, we all have the right to change our minds.

Once this is out of the way he won't be able to get any more LA to reignite it.

I hope better that the fact that he is exhausting every option now will mean that when it is all finished, he still won't get what he wants and you will know it truly is over, once and for all and there is nothing left hanging over you.

It is galling though that he pays nothing and is costing you money. that may have been his sole aim.

I thought I had already hit bottom a while ago and I was on the way back up but the last couple of days I have been pretty down. The slightest thing sets me off. Must be a double dip.
I don't want to end up back on the ADs. I will never cope with the dcs on my own and work if I am zonked all the time.

must keep swimming. keep swimming.

I am wondering whether to contact FW with a specific day to see dcs or just leave it. If I do there is a fair chance he will agree. Part of me thinks why the fuck should I bother leave him to stew but another part thinks if I don't ask he will just be quite happy leaving it for weeks and it might be better for dcs to see him sooner rather than later and it would give me a break.

I cannot wait for the day when I no longer loathe him and I just could not give a toss.

If ADs make you zonked then they are probably not the right ones for you.

My paroxatine just makes me feel v normal :) (am on 20 mg maintenance, not FW related any more, just keeps me leveled with a mild underlying condition)

Sertraline seems to be the drug of choice for GPs atm, these have odd side effects for some people at the beginning - only some though, and often if they can persevere it is an effective AD for them.

I hope it's a blip, just saying on the off chance that it persists.

It is not actually the ADs that zone me (they make me clean things) I am not allowed ADs on their own and have to take a mood stabiliser. carbemezapine. it makes me tired and fat . I was on valproate for a while but that was so bad I could not even work a door handle .

I have a friend who was (and may still be) on valproate (I think) - yes, they were better than his untreated condition, just but only just.

I was on olanzapine for a while, put on weight, then quetiapine, groggy and at the start unsafe to drive.

tis the herbal ciggies that make me clean things...

funny those never made me clean anything. except the inside of the biscuit tin

mink, huge hugs to you. I think all the realisations which you have to process at the end of a relationship with a FW, plus the need to still deal with them, or at least work out how to deal with them, are exhausting, on top of the physical and mental energy needed to single parent.
Am not sure what to suggest, really, am kind of at the same stage. I went to the herbalist for anxiety, got some lovely teas, but feel a bit like I have crashed now. It is partly the blog I am reading, so much rings true. And partly, I think there is only so much you can take mentally and physically, so being down is your bodys way of saying stop. Not easy with dcs and a job.

mink sorry you are feeling so low. I can't advice on AD's as they were not for me and DS was much, much younger and I just could not operate at all on them. I agree with crush about listening to your body, they are so clever, I had always underestimted or maybe overestimated mine until I was ill. I have realised that to deal with everything I have to take much better care of myself than I ever did, that doesn't come naturally to me, I am not one to pamper myself.
silvery yes people can change thier minds but in doing so I don't think they should be allowed to force others to do what they want all the time. He is using the court to do this as he can't do it by himself any more, it is the court that is allowing it now paid for by the tax payer to boot - as and when FW changes his mind the court forces me and DS to change our lives/ have our lives controled by outside intervention - does not seem right that the boundaries are only working one way. He has made choice after choice and I have had to deal with them time after time and the limits I can put on the evil are being dictated to me which is wrong. Read a really good report from Rights of Women and someone else that has just come out regarding just this Ill try and find a link.
To be fair to the court they did indicate this could be the end of the road for the case if the report goes against FW - he is so manipulative though, and as I fell for it once, I can't really complain if someone else does can I? It is what is said time and time again on here that is can take time for you to fully see what is going on - as I have expereince now, albeit with a long gap, I can see a patteren forming again, I have started to write this into a statement for court, he is using the exact same script - he is trying to do to DS what he did to me when we first met - but I can see the truth behind it which is some comfort but at the same time scary as I know how the story ends and it isn't a happy one. It's like groundhog day where to get a better ending you have to keep going through the same day....as exhausting as that is.
Sorry for keep ranting on, it helps to get it straight in my own head, I appreciate your support and the other perspective of it - do you ever feel when you try and explain (esp. the death by 1,000 cuts) you just end up sounding a loon? which I guess is what FW's what.

better I have supported a friend through similar - couldn't give details, but FWExP had residency and friend was applying to increase contact from the paltry amount she had. (Happy to PM if you want). So twas sort of the other way round. In the middle of it was a child, whose best interests were not being served; and there was no opportunity for me to bear witness that said child had actually asked to stay overnight at the end of contact hours. So I think there is a lot wrong with the system, and it was certainly not set up to reveal the ExP's manipulation, abuse, and parental alienation. Both were on LA so it went the course.

However, there are all sorts of valid reasons people can change their minds, circumstances change, and if it's allowed in the court system then that may be good for a lot of people. Just because someone is a FW doesn't mean they shouldn't have this right.

No need to Pm *silvery ( but thank you) - and yes even a FW has rights but it never trumps the child's best interests/rights, never! and motivation plays a massive factor esp. regarding the issue of people changing thier mind. If he was remorseful Re: contact, fair play, but he isn't... I know you don't know the full back sort but he is not sorry for being absent - he says he only just found out he has a DS and its all my fault WTF !! and then shows the court photos of him with DS a week old - ah so he did know..... lie after lie after lie and they let him keep going, no consequence for lying just brushed under the carpet - the story with your friend I am sure is very different.
It is not the chamging of FW's mind in terms of contact I was talking about - he changed his mnd in terms of SS involvement (months and months) - it has caused delay and more cost for me which he wants - he still didn't want the full report YGWIM he wanted just w&f but the court saw through that and ordered a full report. He wanted my friend to witness previous indirect contact (asked at two hearings for this) as he is delusional re: allies (lundy) when he didn't get what he wanted (twice over) he asked for SS - it was way to down the line for that, SS didn't want to get involved - they may still not.. if not we go the next tier up the court ladder (still not heard from them after two months) and they decide at a full hearing.. if SS do get in touch court say he has to take what SS say i.e. DS says no its No! but god knows. JOKE!!

Sorry Silvery I should have said, I feel your friend's pain - I work with Maypole who in the main are women expereincing what your friend has. I know it works both ways but I am very, very sure your friend has done a lot more for her DC in the past than my FWexp has (nothing). How has it worked out for her?

Sadly my friend's story is not that different re the court's attitude - only the ExP is the FW with residency. He has told lie after lie, his DC is afraid to say they had a nice time at handover after contact with friend, none of the professionals who have done reports have really seen through him, and as it's death by a thousand cuts my friend just seems petty to the court when she tries to explain. IMHO CAFCASS made things worse

Things like not letting the DC give a Mother's Day card they made at school to my friend. Throwing away anything friend buys for DC if they take it back home with them

She still has contact, but if he decides to withdraw it (as he did a couple of years ago) then she won't be able to do a thing about it, as far as I can see.

WTF - even under my circumstances DS gets what FW sends.... is that not enforceable? she needs to get the order enforced - self rep tell her.

Mink very true what you say about weighing up expectations of kids from two functional parents breaking up and removing kids from disturbed/ hostile / abusive in whatever way parent.

Charlotte I'm sure your four will bond really well and create a good team of siblings as Silver says. Siblings are a huge support and strength in that situation as I know from experience.

Rose your post made me feel sympathy for you. I am so very glad you are getting away from your confidence draining CL. how dare he say 'very sure' like that to you- be very sure yourself that he is saying the cruellest things he can, in revenge for your new life which he is not adequate enough to share.

I am on holiday up a mountain with fw. I wrote a post the other day but the phone ate it. I have intermittent Internet access- in fact pretty non existent. Hence not being in touch. This holiday - I knew it'd be hard but fw is running through the abusers' script from A to Z EVERY day! Mournful, creepily overloving, sulking and aggressive when I don't respond, touching me inappropriately but oh-so innocently, making whispered 'loving' expressions of desire, disbelief when I stand firm. It's hell.

Oh no breathe I am so sorry that what should be a nice thing, time away, isn't. And sorry the internet connection is rubbish and you have no lifeline - I hope you don't have long to go.

breathe why are they always such FW on holiday.

I am feeling a bit better for having a big cycle today.
I may still he to tackle the contact issue but for now i have perked up a bit.

Thank you Better and Mink for support. Glad you got some solace from exercise Mink! I just keep muttering to myself, this is the last time.... Thank God. Freedom beckons- when apparently I'll be a miserable lonely person for the rest of my life!! (According to fw obviously!) Bring it on I say- I can't imagine EVER wanting another person to infringe on my liberty. Friends and family will do me just fine.

Really getting the sob story tonight. Getting texts and now a phone call on how down he is, how he still loves me. Even DD said that Daddy had told her a secret - that he still loves me. Feels like DD now feels sorry for him, and also is cross with me for pushing for this divorce.

After all the grief over the last few months it's actually quite nice to get the odd complement! But I don't believe it for a minute. He's either just down about everything he's losing, or he's just manipulative and trying to suck me into worrying about him.

This is just part of the script, right? Do I expect suicide threats next?

Noregrets It's very wrong of him to involve dd in adult issues. Sounds like the script to me

breathe hang on in there. Your support network will be waiting for you to get back. Don't let him Hoover you whilst your away. Sounds like your standing frm though.

mink hope you're feeling better soon. I find exercise helps me to get things in perspective.

I suppose breath maybe it is better this way than to be on holiday and have a great time and then be unsure. at least you know, yes he really is a total FW.