Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

mink - yes. I was only properly with FW across one of my birthdays, but he proper ruined it.

We were 3 weeks away from getting married and I was 18 weeks pregnant. He gave me a CD, an exercise ball (to bounce on while pregnant very romantic) and promised to give me £50 towards getting a new phone which never materialised. We had to do my cake celebrations two days before because his daughters weren't going to be there on the actual day, so there was no cake on my birthday (and my 'cake' was a cheap Co-op sponge cake bought very hastily). I wasn't allowed to go and see my parents for dinner on my birthday because he felt we should be spending it 'as a family unit'. He took me and DS1 for lunch, then when we went to the park after it he insisted we walk off and leave (5 year old) DS1 in the park and walk further on ourselves to where he couldn't see us, without telling him we were walking on. When I refused he got very angry and shouted/swore at me (I was unreasonable, out of order, smothering my son), accused me of ruining the day, then insisted we left. And even though I was driving so could have told him to do one, I didn't, and we left, and my birthday was ruined.

I know Nini has had some shockingly manipulative birthday presents. I think they genuinely can't even let go of everything being about them for even one day.

rose that is one good thing about this: you won't allow yourself to get treated like this by anybody else.

Remember to eat and drink. One more day.

Never mind you not being good enough - he is not good enough, by a country mile!!!

As Silvery says, hang on to that thought. You will never let anyone treat you like this again.

Get your boxes taped up, get you USB, and get to be as early as you can so it will be tomorrow sooner.

I'm another victim of the emotional abuse game. He left over 2 weeks ago but still pops round and email/texts me like a chum. I'm really struggling.

'he loves parts of me'

Oh Flora, wishing you strength, I am sorry you find yourself here. Vent as much or as little as you like. It is a horrible stage. It took me four months for him to accept the relationship was over, and it really was about saying, no, each boundary which was broken, no, that is not acceptable, eventually with legal help.

pony, the room is a kind of chalky blue. I'm going to get on with it, because I only have a few hours, and it is a contact weekend, so - even though it is relatively fwittery free, so far - it is somehow still very emotionally draining. He is still 'stalking' where I park even though I have moved. He just needs to know. It is minor, but invasive?

Apologies for not catching up with everyone properly will try and do so later. My charger for my phone is gubbed, so have to load up my pc to post, which is less than straightforward for dipping in!

This is for Rose.

I used to be married to a man child. When our son started school I decided to get an education. I knew I was quite clever but didn't have the essential bits of paper that proved it. I went to college and got the quals I needed to enter university. During the year I was at college my then husband moaned that we never did anything together anymore because I always had my head in a book. Tbh we never did much together because when I had Ds I stopped being his best mate and drinking partner and became a good parent instead. He, meanwhile, went on drinking and shagging around (didn't know about the shagging bit at the time) and spending what little spare cash we had.

I got a place at a local uni and in the run up to actually starting my course, Shit for Brains (as he became) ramped up the drinking, shagging and spending until I couldn't bear the sight of him. I knew it was over between us and detached, withdrew and ignored until I drove him into the arms of (yet another) woman and he left, emptying out our bank account in the process.

I was very worried as I didn't know if I could afford to keep on the mortgage my shitty little house. I seriously considered going to work full time so I could keep things 'normal' for my Ds. However, when I went to a prelim course at uni I mentioned my new single parent/poor status to the uni bursar. She really sympathised and insisted I take an advance on a loan to see me through until my student loan came. She said - and this is the bit I felt was very significant - that relationships often become strained when one partner seeks to improve themselves, and when the realisation hits that you are both poles apart from wanting the same things, the relationship flounders and ends.

I think what I'm saying, Rose, is that although you feel awful now, you are only putting off the inevitable anyway. You will thrive at uni. You will meet new friends and have such fun with them and your dd that you'll think less and less of your FW (and less and less in your regard for him, what little that's left) that you'll honestly wonder why you didn't tell him to FTFOATFOSM years ago. Once you're out and putting efforts into studying, being a good mum and socialising, your FW will really become the most insignificant thing to you.

FWIW I loved studying, I got a first class degree!!! See, I knew i was clever! And then went on to do a master's degree. With it I embarked on a career that's currently floundering a bit, but so what? The balance between my work and my life is weighted to life because I'm a new granny and my 85 yo father lives round the corner. The money's still more than adequate for me to do what I want near enough. Oh, and I met my current husband when I was at uni, who supported me and proof read and edited so my first is attributable to him too.

Rose, don't be scared. Grab this opportunity with both hands and don't look behind you. Onwards and upwards. Go girl!

Teeny

X

rose what a lovely vision of your for-ever house. And well done for holding on to your dream through thick and thin.

As a detached academic, may I say that your experiece of EA could well give you an edge in submitting a PhD proposal in 4? years' time. And of course, for a practising mw it could be knowledge that saves someone's life.

*only if that was what you wanted to include in your study, obviously.

I would like to ask you ladies a question. My DH has some behaviours that I find worrying but I'm not sure whether they're red flags or not. I suspect that both his parents abused him, emotionally and through neglect, so I'm not sure whether his issues stem from being abusive himself or purely from a lack of good role models. The behaviour I'm wondering about is that he seems to expect to be able to walk anywhere in the house he wants without me being in the way. So for example if I'm standing at the kitchen sink washing up and he wants to make coffee then he'll stand there waiting in an irritated fashion for me to move. Today I was making toast for DS2 and he actually waited in the doorway for me to finish in the kitchen so he could make his own breakfast. I pointed out that our kitchen is about 20 feet long and there was ample room for both of us to work in there but he said he would prefer to wait. Then later I was sitting on the bottom stair playing with DS3. DH was doing some filing upstairs then the next thing was he was angrily saying, "Will you please not sit on the stairs as no one can get up or down the stairs while you're there". I said that if he had started walking down the stairs then I would have moved out of the way. I mean that's what normal people do isn't it? Or he could say, "Excuse me please could I get past?" I'm starting to feel that I need to be on the lookout for him at all times in case he wants to be in the space I'm currently occupying.

Sorry for the rambly explanation, maybe I'm being oversensitive about it. But it makes me feel that he thinks he's more important than me and he should be able to go wherever he wants and I should psychically know to get out of his way. There's no interplay of us moving around each other. Anyway my mum said she thinks it's weird so I thought I would ask about it on here.

How big was the house he was brought up in, and how many lived there? It may be that he learned that everyone monitored what everyone else wanted, and moved accordingly, without having to be asked - and filling the kettle takes only a moment relative to the washing up.

And re the coffee-making. He isn't waiting for you to do the whole load of washing up, and he isn't wanting you to move aside that instant, just to move aside at the first convenient moment. For me, that would be when I'd finished washing the item I was doing when he started hovering.

Can you tell this was an issue for me? I was the one hovering with the kettle, FW would not move and I had to wait till he had done the whole lot.

Rose

It sounds like you never were singing from the same song sheet. Put it down to youth and naivety. You have grown while your FW hasn't. Please stop stressing about your current situation because its all change come tomorrow!

Reading back it looks like I wasn't spot on re the education thing. But I understand about the work ethic. He sounds so inadequate, just like my SFB (shit for brains), who was inadequate as a husband, parent, provider (and lover!) it was up to me to be all those things for me and Ds. So I did them.

SFB quickly faded out of our lives. A bit of effort for the first 6 - 8 weeks and then nothing at all. My son hasn't seen his father since he was 7. In fact, when aged about 11 and walking home from school, he saw SFB coming out of a pub. They walked past each other and SFB didn't recognise Ds. I said are you sure it was him? Ds said yeah, looked the same except less teeth!

Ds is now a dad himself to the most adorable Baby boy. He is very hands on, doesn't drink or smoke, has kept a job that he doesn't enjoy all the time for 2 years (but will have prospects for promotion and growth). He uses SFB as guide on how NOT to be a father. I'm very proud of him.

SFB had the same outlook on holidays and experiences that your FW has. Would rather spend his money on buying friends down the pub. With current husband we've done Disney Florida 3 times when Ds was younger. Since Ds didn't want to come on holiday with us DH and I have done a Nile cruise (wow! those Egyptians knew how to build to last) and Chichen Itsa in Mexico - very atmospheric. We've done some really fab things together, things that SFB would never have entertained in his wildest dreams. I'm not showing off, but trying to emphasise that someone sucking all the joy out of the simplest pleasures will put you off striving to attain any dream, no matter how small or silly.

Don't feel guilty about FW. Why should you continually stoop to his level of pond life when he won't give your aspirations the time of day? You're already poles apart in what you want to achieve in your lives. Let him wallow in his inadequacy. You are going places, lady!

And the same to the rest of you ladies. Your days will come and you'll be free to pursue your dreams, be it peace and quiet in safety, or hectic and challenging and exciting.

I think of you all often and wish I could be physically present in the Vixens to encourage you to a better life.

Teeny

Oh, and just to be clear, he wouldn't move even if, after hovering for a bit, I actually asked him.

I do think your H should ask you politely if you would mind out the way a bit, if that's your preference. It's mine - makes everything no longer a question of second-guessing everyone. Mind you, if I asked FW politely for anything I was met with silence, or an outright refusal.

and raising a to teeny

Thanks for replying Silvery. He grew up in a big house whereas I grew up in a tiny house. The thing is I'm quite happy to move out of the way if he wants to get past me but I don't get the chance, he'll start huffing about me being in the way as soon as he sees me. It happens all the time, I'll open the wardrobe door to get something out and he'll walk into the room and tell me he can't get past me. It doesn't matter that he wasn't in the room when I opened the door, or that it will take me about five seconds to get something out and shut the door. All that matters is that I'm in his way right now and he can't do whatever it is he wanted to do. And that's why I wonder if it's a control thing or he feels that he's the king of the castle and everyone else should be getting out of his way. This hasn't come up out of the blue, he has other issues as well, it's just that this one has been getting to me lately as I think it's my house too and we should be able to work around each other.

petals and Teeny fab posts both.

And Rose:
I am a naturally bubbly, happy outgoing person and I genuinely think he prefers me when I am docile and depressed because when I am happy, buzzing with excitement about the future he would go into himself.

• you said everything you need to know here, about who you really are and recognising that he wants you to be different so you can continue to 'serve' him. When you are docile, he can order you around and feel superior. When you are 'you', he feels inferior so needs to bring you back down. Can I feel a little of the anger coming through? That righteous anger will carry you through, past all his attempts to put the blame on you, and deposit you safely in your new home tomorrow. Imagine that! Tomorrow!!!

stuntnun (love the nn) if it makes you uncomfortable that is not good.
The real question though is, is his intent to control you? Does he control you in other ways?
Yes, he should just say, excuse me or may i get past. so if he is not abusive you should be able to say, this makes me uncomfortable. And you should be listened to. do you think he hears you when you try to speak to him about how he is making you feel?
(my FW would listen and then come back with a hundred things i had done that meant it was all my fault and he was the one bring tormented)

flora hi. It sounds like be is not respecting your boundaries.

He does try to control me Mink. It seems to be from the best intentions but it does concern me. For example he'll go and run a bath for me or tell me to go for a nap or put an alcoholic drink in my hand. I know that all sounds like nice things but it can seem sinister as if there's a hidden motivation behind it rather than doing something nice for me. As in it's 'go and have a bath' not 'would you like a bath?' I don't actually get a say in the matter.

Stuntnun I agree with what mink says re intent etc. If you can talk to him about his behaviour and how it makes you feel, and he can discuss it reasonably, maybe talking about how to do things differently in future, then that's good. If you can't raise it with him for fear of how he'll react, that's a red flag. Have a read of the links in the OP to see if anything sounds familiar.

Hey to flora too. Post more as and when you feel up to it. Sounds exhausting to have him behaving like that.

Ah. Oh dear. Yes, I agree, that's controlling, and I agree these things are not done for your benefit, but how him doing these things makes him look/feel, perhaps. Again, how would he react if you said no to these things - do you get made to feel ungrateful, for example - or if you tried to discuss him doing these things when you don't want them with him?

C'mon, Rose, get the pictures off the computer today. Tomorrow is the big day, you are almost free as a bird! Ready to fly!

stuntnun in light of your further posts, I agree with pony, I'm afraid.