Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

No better you ate not wrong. you should help ds but not FW. and as it is FW who wants the rs and not ds then you are not wrong to they to keep him away.

As for criticising. i believe you can criticise bad behaviour but not call them a bad person.

better jolly good question I'll be interested in the responses. I've thought the same - one of the reasons I'm doing all this is to show DD that no-one has to put up with this crap. But then I have to remain silent on what he's doing wrong - therefore not teaching her those valuable lessons, and also meaning I can't give any defence when he implies I'm in the wrong.

I hope that I'm showing her through my actions. And when I do explain things I try to keep it non-personal. I say what's acceptable in the general world, and leave her to her own conclusions on whether her Dad behaves like that IYSWIM.

I shall await more words of wisdom!

rose you're soooo close! I know it's hard, you're not being pathetic. When I first came on here someone told me that apologies are not necessary on this board, and that should apply to you too. We're all reading because we want to, no need to feel bad. I'm not surprised you feel emotional - just recognise the feeling but don't let yourself think it's a reason to back track. I bet in the future you don't feel so scared of being a single mum - personally I'd relish the chance to have another, this time on my own, and really enjoy the time.

I'm feeling pretty down myself. I'm so close to getting some closure, agreeing everything, meaning I can change the locks and feel safe in my own home. But it's dragging on and on, he's not signing anything, and has now engaged a solicitor to 'whip the arse' of mine. For what reason I don't know. He's no longer happy with what we'd previously agreed. In October, when he would otherwise be homeless, he's planning on moving back in the house. I suspect he's dragging it out until then.

I'm desperate for this to be resolved so I can move on with my life, but I can't show him that... or he'll resist even more and find it all highly amusing. He moved out ages ago and still has the power to bring me right down with just one phone call. I am of course a power bitch who has no heart, pushing too much, offering shite. It's all my fault as I pushed for the divorce, I dared to get a solicitor, I wouldn't agree to a 2 year amicable separation, I dared to call the police for 'no reason' etc etc. I'm so tired of it all. Sorry have ended up writing an essay.

Seeing the counsellor tomorrow but yet again I don't even know where to start, or which aspect to ask for help with.

Well I think you do need to honest. But the way you phrase it depends on age, of course, and what you are being honest about ie which specific bits of FWittery if it's something specific, or something more general like why you don't live together.

And also whether the FWittery in question was directed at you or DC.

Care to throw me some "hypothetical" examples? and I'll see what I might have said if it was me trying to explain to DC(age)

iyswim

better, there's a big difference between "it's wrong for your dad to do X" and "your dad is a useless waste of space", for example.

I'd say the latter is badmouthing. The former is helping them to work out what is right and what is wrong. As mink said, label the behaviour not the person. That's fine - in fact, as you feel, it's helpful.

Oh yes, and as NoRegrets says, even better if you can say, "it's wrong when people do X"!

Noregrets for you. Stay strong; it won't be forever.

Thanks everyone - I think it is useful to debate as the FWs and thier lawyers will of course say anything we say is wrong.
Recent thing, I don't think it is appropriate for FW to just send a load of presents to Ds and put just a few words in a card talking about a couple of things he knows DS likes in relation to DS and things he has managed to glean about him and offers nothing about himself which given DS does not know FW I thought the point of indirect contact was about FW giving DS info about him, not to bribe manipulate DS into thinking this is one generous guy especially when I know he claims he has no money for child support or for legal rep. I have not said anything about the fact he can find money for lots of gifts and other things for his self and not for DS's basic needs. I feel this contact needs to be put into perspective - not that DS says he now wants to see him or anything, he said the exact opposite so may be he just gets it anyway.
Ds doesn't bring him up in convo really it is me who has to keep doing it when explaining to DS about the next stage in things such as being spoken to by a social worker (DS actually hates me doing this too he shouts NO and cries) - and he asks what should he say and says he doesn't want to - that is hard explaining why he has to - I say, tell the truth but yet I also want to warn DS of what this is all about and the ultimate aim is to get him to agree to see FW and I can't tell him that FW has lied so much about why he is only just appearing (I just say he wants to now!) and is abusive - I know DS doesn't want to see him but oh I don't know... it is very hard
And while worry about this - they just say what the hell they want to DC I am sure! but two wrongs don't make a right I guess.

Oh better that's tough. You don't want to see your ex, ds doesn't but because fw wants to then somehow you have to have your lives turned upside down I don't understand why he's allowed to swan in and out of your ds's life as he pleases

I don't get it. Why is the ultimate aim to get DS to see FW? Has the court ordered it? Why isn't the ultimate aim to do what's best for DS? I thought that was the central plank of family law.

That is what his side are pushing for the outcome of the next stage to be - I agree with you silvery sadly the what is best for DS comes second to the presumtion on contact these days.

I guess the point of the court case is to determine if DS seeing FW is the best thing for DS?

It just seems wrong that ds has to be exposed to him against his wishes. It would be different if ds actually wanted to meet him, but he doesn't. If someone's husband disappeared without trace for years on end you'd never say that the wife needs to try being married to him again when he deigned to turn up and walk back into her life. To be honest even if you left a dog at a dogs home I'd doubt you could claim ownership years down the line just because you felt like it. It seems so unfair for better and her ds

When I was left on my own I got no professional support at all, no financial assistance nothing - now he has all this support and lots of money being given to him - feels really wrong. Where are all these people when i have to try and juggle everything and ensure DS is well and happy and fed and clothed. What example does this set DS? I don't want him to think it would be ok to do the same.
In work today, one day in three just pays sol bills. I then have all my usual bills - he pays nothing - it doesn't matter to the system. I know love is important but there is nothing in anything where he shows any for DS, just entitlement and claims DS will suffer if he doesn't see him. He didn't seem concerned about that for years and years. Imagine someone coming into your life and trying to make you change it and trying to take you somewhere else (he lives a good 30 miles away) and sleep in a different house and be away from everything you knew - I would not like it as an adult never mind if I had been a child I would have been terrified. DS already has the things he does regulalry and his own thoughts and likes and dislikes - I know from bitter expereince what it is like if you do not agree with FW you have to pay for that - DS may have to face that and stop doing things he has been working hard to achieve in, it would destroy him - he already feels more insercure and cries more and clings to me more - very sad. School and some of the people who run his activities have had to speak to me about him and noticed a change in him I feel sad when other parents mention something he has done and see it as being a bit young for his age - he has regressed- this has been going on for months and months it is terrible. It is summer holidays I should be out with DS, I can't afford it and lots of my leave from work has been taken up at hearings and seing sol. This is what he wants - his life has not gone well he despises the fact I have manage to turn mine back round and we were happy. He will never give up hurting me, even if I agreed to everything he wanted - it would never be enough. Only 8 more years and no more court.. Ill start the count down. I have to keep smiling

I think, not that i agree, that the view is taken these days because of numerous so called studies that the presumption is children do better with contact with both parents. and they might assume that contact had been broken and/or ds does not want to see FW because better* has coached him.

so the court is bound to investigate. they are not however, boujnd to grant access. They are still duty bound to do what is in DS best interest and I suspect from what has come out about this particular FW so far the court are not going to think it is in DS best interest after such a long break and with someone who makes such inappropriate attempts at contact.

I think the main thing in all of this is that DS knows always he is loved and not having a father does not mean you are not worthy of a father but rather your father has to meet certain standards to deserve you. it is a hard one to explain though.

• I suspect these studies look at kids who do not see their fathers, some of them for a very good reason and assume because those kids may have issues understandable under the circumstances, and quite probably be at an economic and or housing disadvantage and assume that the correlation means causation. i.e. the problems are caused by the absence of the father rather than the father was the cause of the problems and that is why he is now absent. I don't doubt for example, that if you have two fully functioning committed parents that children get more attention, more time with their parents, better support for homework, less disruption etc. but I did not have that choice. I have the choice between them growing up in a toxic, hostile environment which was definitely doing them harm or giving them the best that I can under the circumstances.

And I suspect also that this looks at kids over a longer period. since the introduction of better support for working mothers and child tax credits I suspect outcomes have improved.

oh better x post. I can absolutely feel your anguish radiating off the page

I know it is hard to hope but I really don't think they will make DS go and stay with him overnight. they can't surely. I think the most they will offer is limited contact in a contact centre to start with while they monitor it. I know sometimes the courts do incredibly stupid things. but in this case I think FW has got absolutely zero proven track record as a father. he is not trying to show that DS has a rs with him that needs to be maintained. he is trying to make a rs where none exists. so surely SS would want to be heavily involved with that and it would only be a gradual thing. if at all. and DS gets older he will have more say.

what does your sol think is the likely outcome?
and has any kind of psychiatric evaluation of FW been requested?

And how long is all this likely to drag on for? :(

I am missing my dcs. It's 5 days since I saw them; they were due home today but FW asked if he could keep them in town another day to see an exhibition they're interested in and I said yes. It does sound good.

Feel like I've deserted them, though. They've never been away from me this long without a very good reason - and this is the second 6-day period away from me in three weeks. :( Only dd1 has any idea why I'm not with them as I usually am.

I'm worried I made a mistake letting this happen. Mainly I'm worried that they could be inventing all sorts of reasons why I'm not there, of the "was I too naughty?" variety. :(

Hopefully they're just having a good holiday and not thinking much about me. At least we won't be separated again for this long till at least :( Christmas.

Sorry charlotte, how old are they again?

I think I'm also feeling jittery because FW's back tomorrow and is hanging round till Monday before going away. I've been able to do what I want recently, but I'm going back to being watched, opinions given on anything I do/don't do/haven't done, criticisms probably not spoken but I'll guess what he's thinking anyway.

On the positive side, maybe he'll look after the dcs while I go see the house on Sunday??

Youngest is 3. Then 6, 7 and 9.

Old enough to make a team of siblings, then. Think of this time away as a kind of bonding session - not with FW, with each other.

Youngest wanted me not Daddy those few days in the middle when we were altogether, but wasn't noticeably clingy. I'm hoping that having her siblings there will give her some security. Plus FW is with friends most of the time, so on show, so Disney Dad on best behaviour.

X-post. :) Yes, hopefully.

"all together" in last post. Hate grammatical mistakes!!

• bonding - well they're already bonded - I mean team building - learning to work effectively as a team, in the interests of the team

that DS knows always he is loved and not having a father does not mean you are not worthy of a father but rather your father has to meet certain standards to deserve you.<

I think this is rather brilliantly put.

Am interested in the question of evidence on father-child contact in cases of separation, though, will look into this. Sorry, fly-by post.