Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Apparently I always undermine him (despite trying really hard not to even if it means holding my tongue - see table dancing above) and also get " do what you like my opinion counts for nothing" whenever I try to discuss

Possibly. She's only 2 hard to tell. But I do think she's pretty perceptive

We have very different views which means we rarely feel like we're pulling together as a team. For example if dd wants me to go to the loo with her then I see nothing wrong with that. She can do it by herself but she's only 2 so I hardly think she'll still be wanting me there when she's 10! So if he's not there then I just go with her. When he's there it becomes this massive stand off between the 2 of us and then dd gets upset.

I either go with her and he sulks or don't go and then she gets upset that I'm not helping her. And then cries which is then my fault as I've "made her clingy like this"

These days i usually ignore him and help dd which is probably where the my opinion counts for nothing comments come from

Did I read that correctly? He does not want you to accompany your 2 year old to the bathroom when she needs to go? That is a basic act of caring for a child that age, I would have thought (also necessary to ensure correct wiping, esp with a girl). You are absolutely doing the right thing.

I think the thing with your husband bounty and hopefully you do not mind me saying this, is that he is picking on the areas which are culturally women's role, that is, he is attacking you as a woman, your weight, your appearance, your mothering (which you are doing instinctively and caringly), and by being a mother both how you want to bring up dd (at home as much as you can) and your parenting. That is, these are things which are part of your identity, and which society already places huge and conflicting expectations on us about, so we care about (in addition to caring about dcs because we love them) and that is what he is picking on.

It sounds as though your instincts are spot on bounty and you should trust them. With a two year old it is about boundary setting and consistency. If you split up he will be a classic Disney dad pandering to her. The fact you are able to stand firm even when she throws a tantrum is excellent and you know that. And of course you should take her to the bathroom at two!
Don't forget you have us in your ear telling you what a good job you are doing. He is talking rubbish!

Re your original example (involving cake) bounty, you did just the right things imho, you didn't give in to demand, ignored tantrum while you modelled right way of behaving, distracted (which worked, and helped her get control of emotions), rewarded her behaviour and comforted her by picking her up (she'll still have felt woo from meltdown and recovery) and removed her from FW's presence

Totally agree with Silvery, bounty. His dislike of your picking her up to move on reminds me of the FWs who stop their partners from picking babies up when they cry. He believes you should remove love from your dc for a time when they misbehave.

Your post of 00:11 made me . I think when we deal with a lot of subtle, confusing FWery, it's easy to forget that it still affects the children.

Not that I want to make you feel bad. I love that you are ignoring FW and going with her anyway!

Lemon, that stop-start discipline happens here, too... only here he still believes that "we" are doing a good job of raising the dcs.

I seem to have finished my stepping back from the thread for the time being! :o

with your FW, that is.

Bounty your FW gives me the rage. Also, I am going to go to the shop for a Bounty now.

I have just gotten back from holiday and the best thing happened to me. My sparkly iPhone was stolen. Insurance replaced it already and I am no longer carrying around a device filled with abusive texts or photos of this wanker. The photos, I couldn't bring myself to delete. The texts, I was holding onto as evidence. Well it's been taken out of my hands and life is better for it.

Now, his number is still in my contacts as if he contacted me, I wanted to know it was him. It's been 2 months since I had any contact from him. Do you think I'm safe to delete? I think I'd know if it was him in the unlikely event that he attempts contact. I had a nightmare I accidentally called him and even though I hung up straight away, heard his voice. I think 'delete'...

to you all for reassuring me. Thank you. It's amazing how you get ground down to thinking that maybe I am holding her back by going to the toilet with her aged 2. Your outrage as made me realise that I'm the normal one.

colin I say delete. Glad you had a good holiday. How funny life is when losing your iPhone is a good thing

colin that sounds good. In your situation I think I would delete.

Obviously for those of us who have more tanglible history, the usual advice: change his name to FOTFSOF or FuckWit or something.

Mine is still under his own name. We do occasionally text re book he's accidentally taken, CDs I've still got, and the like. Also DD lives at his.

Now deleting 'Fuckwit' from my phone

Ah that was goooood

Yeah bounty it is funny and if you'd told me that before I went away, I'd never have believed I would see it as a blessing! I had a holiday with no possibility of him contacting me, it was bliss!

rose hold onto that anger it will see you right through until you leave. So glad to see you so determined. I can't wait to hear about your new life, just a week away. He has to blame someone, it can't possibly be his fault.

i agree about the anger, it got me through 2 other breakups
keep strong. as for what hes saying, is he for real?! going on about killing himself because of working for tesco? that just screams 'loser'. hes probably hoping youll beg him not to hurt himself etc etc. sounds like your life will definately get better when your out of there- imagine being about to chill without his incessant whineing. what a pansy honestly

rose I think it is good you have written all that down - to an outsider and not just someone who has FW expereince, he sounds desperate and very delusional. I think I would try and just think, he is ill and keep as quiet as possible. He isn't your responsibility you and DD are. I doubt anything you say will be enough even if you agree. The days are ticking by, I am sure very slowly for you but they are going by. he will not kill himself by the way as I think he feels too much about himself. If he does ever contact you when you have gone I would advice what I have read on here -just ring the police and tell them what he said - they will go round and that should be the end of those threats. Keep strong lovely lady.

rose I hope you don't mind me saying this but I would not write that down to him. I am not saying it is wrong but put in the hands of the solicitor out of context it may go against you. You don't need to decide all this now. I hope you don't mind me posting this but I know what lawyers are like. I would actually ask him to make the first suggestion about contact and take it from there - after you have gone.

rose sadly yes...FWs are the most selfish specimens on the planet. All about their needs and wants, to hell with everyone else. They have a divine right to this and nothing is ever their fault.

Yay go Rose! I've recently learnt how to change a fuse, bleed a radiator, cut the grass (don't laugh!), and check the oil in my car. Lo and behold none of it is actually that difficult!!

Others will no doubt also have opinions on DD contact. Most of it - absolutely fine. Every other weekend sounds about right. On introducing DD to other women, or leaving her in the care of someone, not sure you can state that? I think when she's being cared for by him, it's his responsibility to ensure she's appropriately cared for, but you wouldn't get involved unless you had concerns? Happy to stand corrected.

Am I right you're moving some distance away? Might be worth being clear on who picks her up, or drops her off?

The standard script seems to be for the FW to distance themselves from the DCs (although of course it will be the mother's fault). If she ends up being as damaged as you, that may not be a bad thing.

Does notwithstanding actually mean anything? Isn't it a bunch of words stuck together?