Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

• typo, in my post above, the bit beginning "I have annoyed LB" is my musings prompted by your first post here; as you see I end by calling yours a FW having read your follow-ups...

Ditto the good wishes, Charlotte. I wish you well.

Hi,
I was referred to this thread after I posted this thread
There's a lot more to the story and I'm kind of just coming to terms with everything but the support I've been given has been lovely.
Sorry if I've messed up the post! x

Lily I read your other post, and I am so so glad you called police!! Scary, but you really had to do that. Some other women on here are better than I am at giving advice and they will be along shortly, but don't want you to think no one cares or will answer.

You sound pretty strong to me, and took decisive action; give yourself a big cheer and have some I am actually [envious] that you were able to act so strongly and quickly!! You rock, girl.

MNiscold thank you so much :)
I don't feel strong (at all) but I do feel very supported x

Glad to be helpful. It is so scary when we think about calling police, and all the fallout.... but in the end you just keep doing what you need to do and things work out. Maybe now he will get the help he needs, too. Seems to me he needs mental health care. You may have just helped him tremendously. And do something nice for yourself now.

Lily you don't feel strong - but you are! And brave too. Strong and brave is doing what you have to even though you are feeling scared.

Welcome to the thread. It is impossible to derail

[hug]

MNiscold TheSilverySoothsayer thank you both :)
They have let him go home but he is now calling me and texting me. Am going to just turn my phone off until I can get a new sim. Feel v v hassled and stressed.
But this board is so lovely I can't get over it lol!

Well done for calling the police, Lily. That all sounds horrible to deal with... and looking after your parents on top of it all! No wonder you're feeling stressed.

You are doing all the right things, though: calling the police, switching your phone off, planning to talk to Women's Aid. There's lots of good advice on your other thread; read it through when you need a good dose of strength! I hope WA are helpful: they can offer lots of support but they won't push it on you, so sometimes you have to ask. That's what I found, anyway. I got in touch with my local WA from the national helpline. Then I went and saw them and took everything they were offering! :o

Charlotte I didn't realise you had to go and see them, can I just talk to them on the phone?
I have become very anxious and find it difficult to be anywhere that isn't home or work.
Thank you for your support too xx

No, you don't have to go see them - and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do! Others on this thread have emailed because it was easier for them than talking. Whatever works for you. :)

Thank you so much xx

No problem. I've had plenty of help on here myself - it's good to pay it on!

lily, I relate to the anxiety. I would hyperventilate talking to anyone about my situation. I just wanted to say that it has got better as I have got further away, but at the moment, it is there to protect you, however horrible that feels, if that makes sense. Do what you feel comfortable with re WA. I wish you strength.

better, I wanted to thank you for your comments about reading up. I have been googling, and oh my, some of it is a bit hard to take in, but makes sense. I also found a blog, which I am reading, and like, though it is quite American, it has a lot of useful insights. (Nothing against it being American, just culturally in places, you notice it). It is recovery-oriented, which is fantastic as I have recently been feeling a bit black and angry about it all, and ruminating too much, and a bit of sunshine has come back. The insight I have most taken out of it is focusing on what you can change. My CBT counsellor said the same thing, but this person said it in a way which I actually got. I am not sure how it will help with the face to face fwittery, but reading this and getting it has helped with my recent black, ruminating angry mood about it all.

There is a whole lot more I relate to especially re having pathological parents too, and the way that sets patterns of behaviour.

It is called The Ability to Love, can't link on phone, will do when I get to pc. Will keep reading. The author has been having a bad time and said she was thinking of privatising her blog. I hope she doesn't. Lightbulbs have been going on all over the place. So wanted to say thank you better for your comment about reading up.

Hi all. Have kind of caught up with you. Great to see charlotte. Welcome to typo (I think I too would recommend running despite having left your husband for this man. 6 months is such a short time for behaviours to be showing already) and lily ( not read your thread yet but will do soon). rose please please go. I wish I'd gone last month when I had the chance. If only I'd refused to respond to the last text... And as for worrying about dieing in your sleep and dd being undiscovered for days - well your course and childcare provider will both notice if you don't turn up. (Not that you will die of course)

I'm on here trying to strengthen my backbone. I've had a tough weekend. My parents gave me a very generous ( couple of hundred quids worth) present because they bought my sister something similar. Fw is not happy about it. Feels its inappropriate for them to spend that sort of money on me now I've left home. So that put him in a mood. Then his parents visited this weekend which is fine. I like them. They are easy going. But I wanted to at least Hoover, clean the bathroom, stack the dishwasher and tidy the spare room (where fw sleeps) before they came. Nothing ott, just what anyone would do for a guest. The house was far from pristine but fw was in a grump as for some reason he hates me tidying even though he doesn't lift a finger to help.

Then we had an argument re child discipline before they arrived. Please tell me honestly what you think of this. We (me, fw and dd) all had a piece of cake and drink. Dd stuffed her cake in her mouth hoping for more. I said no as this is getting a bad habit and so ate mine calmly despite her wailing and thrashing on the ground. When I'd finished I said let's go and see if grandad has arrived yet. She stood up, stopped crying and I picked her up and we went outside. Fw exploded. Apparently by picking her up I've rewarded her bad behaviour. I thought by not giving her what she wanted (cake) I'd stood my ground and then was just moving on to the rest of the day. Yes I distracted her but I didn't give in.

Anyway the real issue is coming. I've told fw that I don't want to go back to ft work when his contracts ends next week. He is not happy and just kept muttering that ill have too as we can't afford not to. This is not true. My reduced salary (just) covers all our outgoings but there's no extra for fancy holidays. This is a compromise worth having in my opinion. Esp just for a couple of years. And we have plenty of savings for emergencies. And chances are he will get more work at some point anyway. I presume he's not planning on retiring just yet. But I know he is going to try all the tactics to get me back ft so I'm going to need the support of the kitchen implement army please.

rose, it is, thank you . I started at the end and was going backwards, then I figured I should start where the blog started! How are things today? You are getting there. Handholding.

bounty, kitchen implements at the ready. I was reflecting yesterday (black mood) on all the little deaths in my marriage. That is what your post reminds me of . At the end of the day, he cannot force you to go back FT, so you need some conversation stoppers, 'that is my decision, please respect it', or similar.

Evening all. Just popping by out of old habits to see how you are getting on. Welcome to Typo and lily sorry you need to be here at all! I am a graduate of the thread now nearly three years out!

bounty you are doing well to notice the FW behaviour and not get drawn in. I think the way to deal with his unreasonable demands is to practise the "cracked record" technique with him.
"I've looked at the finances and it will be okay"
or "This will be best for the children" repeated as often as necessary.

I like the "that is my decision" line and also "I've looked at the finances". Thanks.

Am fairly sure I'll get what I want counts for nothing or similar.

And in response to the finance answer it'll be something about refusing to live hand to mouth and not wanting dd to be living on the breadline. Which we are no where near.

Good to practise saying these things though.

What about the discipline thing? This is one argument that we have very often. Is it just a difference in approaches or am I weak or is he over firm with dd

Yes there are lots of little deaths. That's a good way of describing it. And then there are these little glimmers which give me false hope

Is your DD usually well behaved? What problem are you trying to solve?

I am a liberal parent but I have three wonderful DC who never give me trouble and are all happy and succeeding in life. My theory is that when they start misbehaving it will be time to change my methods. Their DF was more of a stop start disciplinarian. He either forgot he had DC or came down like a ton of bricks over trivia. So I just plodded on with my easy going ways and ignored his rants as did the children. They humoured him if he banned TV or computer games because he forgot after a day and it was back to normal. Actually now they are adults he admits I did a good job.

She is well behaved IMO. I find her easier to manage on my own. I have few issues t all when fw is not there. He says his is cos I pander to her. But I don't think I do. And I feel that generally she is better behaved than her peers. His issue is crying if se doesn't get her own way. She doesn't do it often. I put it down to being a 2 year old. He puts it down to my parenting and says she never has tantrums when it's just the 2 of them.

He is a bit like your husband lemon. Generally more firm I think but then if he's in a funny mood will allow her to do all sort of fun things that I'd never dream of allowing (eg dancing on the dinner table between course!!!!)

Re discipline, my question is how much it is personalised. I would be accused of 'always stabbing him in the back' if I questioned discipline. Which is an aggressive metaphor which makes one defensive, rather than likely to lead to constructive discussion. But there were times when he was being stubborn to the point of causing a high level of distress, rather than parenting, so I could not stand by.

Xpost. Do you think she picks up on the tension between you if he is there?