Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

rose 8 days and counting. Do not engage, just let him get on with it. It's not for much longer.

I lost touch with good friends because when they asked about my life I had almost nothing to say (apart from about kids) that I wasn't ashamed of. Our employment situation, my depression, at first. My wretched marriage once my eyes began to flicker open.

They are good friends, I am in touch with them again now :)

May I suggest a slight amendment to your last sentence? 'I need to get my daughter out. '

typo everyone is welcome here but it is always sad to hear when someone is going through a terrible time. Relationships are meant to add to your life - he sounds very abusive. I thought my exp would never hit me, he didn't but he came very close and threatened to and I would never take the risk now.

What he did does not seem normal and the fact he continues to blame you for HIS actions says a lot. There are a lot of wise ladies on here who have sadly expereinced a lot of hurt. From my experience you are likely to see a repeat of what happened. I would run for them there hills of peace and happiness. You may then notice a climb down from him and even an apology, please don't accept it. It sounds early days and I am sure this shatters your hopes for the future but by stopping it now you will be able to have that hapiness at some point.

rose please keep a journal RE: DD the contact with DD will have to be sorted out when you leave and he doesn't sound like he will be agreeable to anything you suggest - as legal aid has gone, he would struggle to get a solicitor as he doesn't work but he does think a lot of himself and could self rep. I do worry about the drugs he is taking, I was thinking about that this afternoon - should god forbid court proceedings happen, they would ask why you allowed it when you were together - this does not mean it is your fault because it is his responsibility and you are leaving but just thinking ahead how you can do things now to combat that. Do your neighbours know you are leaving? I would perhaps have a conversation with them - they may be able to add to your case down the line. I am trying to think where I went wrong and how that can help you. I thought I would never need `proof' of things but I do and it is a long time ago so very difficult.

typo is there some sort of pattern to when the arguments happen?

rose although it's true that 'It is quite common for them to make out like they 'have to put up with you' and no one else would because of your 'selfish thoughtless behaviour' I am not sure typo said he did that? It's a good indicator though, has he said that, typo?

thank you for your replies...I think it confirms what I know but hate to admit. I've hurt and upset so many people by choosing him and it makes me feel sick to my stomach that I have made such a miserably bad choice...I have spent months trying to make it work when i know that the only way it will work is if I play by his rules and bend to his will all the time. i just dont understand why he - or anyone else who is putting all these lovely compassionate women on this board through such heartache does it. I think thats what I find hard - we are both smart, intelligent people and yet we have created this deeply co-dependent and destructive relationship.

i totally agree with better, anxiety really is exhausting. ive had a stressful day with the kids today. theyve been sooooo naughty and rebellious but if i raise my voice or show im stressed i get the anxiety that fw or someone who knows fw will hear and try n report me to social services or something (believe me hed be that petty).its so hard not to shout when your child nearly decks someone with her umbrella. so the anxiety coupled with stress and negative thoughts about fw is really exhausting. atm im considering bed as im bored and tired and staying awake right now is just depressing
im literally sick to the back teeth of feeling like im looking over my shoulder all the time

thesilverysoothsayer - you asked about pattern to behaviour...Im not sure that there is - there are certainly things that trigger his anger more than others but the only thing that is consistent as far as I can work out is the inconsistency - in as much as I never quite know what I might say that will upset him beyond my work which is the obvious trigger point for him. I run a start up company with a couple of people and although he has worked with us in the past, he felt we did not treat him properly and so has withdrawn his services and will not engage in any conversation about what I do at all. Which when you run your own business and is such a huge passion project for me is something of an issue, but we had agreed not to discuss it until we felt about to resolve it properly.

so even at our good points then we dont discuss what happens in my day to day life, its all about what he does...

sorry your going through that typo it definately sounds like hes just being a bully. you obvs being confused and anykindof gaslighting is an indication of emotional abuse. my view is its always best to get out as soon as poss after alarm bells ring before too much mental damage is done. your perfectly welcome to vent here these ladies will get you through.

typo my FW used to do getting worked up at night. he used to claim he only argued with me (lies) that he was being mistreated (like yours and your work) and would blow up at random things.
He is also funny, charming, very good in bed etc. but it was not worth the trade off.

I would say- do not let any guilt you may feel.at how you got together make you stay. just because you made this bed does not mean you have to lie in it! I made that mistake and stayed far longer than i should.
You are very wise to have spotted it so soon.

Rose, my DD was the major push for me to leave, his behaviour towards her was more obvious than his behaviour to me. It is the thing that, if I have the teeniest doubt, I remember. For her sake, there is no way back, and she is much happier now.

She is not his bioDD, so contact is not legally an issue.

My youngest, his bioDC, they have contact, and at the start, the contact schedule did not suit DS and there were issues. While he was not able to really express himself, there were changes in his behaviour, he stopped wanting to go to nursery, he just wanted to be with me. So, there was a bit of a legal struggle to get it changed to something which is better for DS. It is still not ideal for a number of reasons, and we don't have a final settlement yet, but DS has settled much better into the arrangement. There is emotional manipulation going on, and FW has used the children in ways I actually would have put past even him, so it has been, and continues to be, less than straightforward.

My point really is that they are not too young to express themselves. They may not use the words we would, but behaviour and their language will tell you loads.

typo, I agree with mink. Do not stay with this man because of the circumstances of you getting together. Try and view it dispassionately, what would you say if one of your friends had written the post.

You are six months into the relationship, you are rowing every week, he has manufactured an excuse to show no interest in what you do (and turned it round to beyour fault), he is sulky and controlling (the bit about it only working if you bent to his rules and will, don't even try it) and so on. Oh yes, and it is all about him

There are no doubt reasons you fell for him when you did, they are not reasons to stay.

typo I wish I had been able to come on here when I had doubts about the relationship - I too worried what people would think in RL and it would have been far better for me to admit to things then than when I had to as it was a far worse situation. I think the fact he withdrew his services to the start up company says a lot - this is all about what he needs and how you are going to do to meet his needs he doesn't seem interested in yours.
crushed I am sorry to hear what you continue to go through regarding contact - they do never ceese to amaze you - I know my exfw will never stop his abuse, never, which is why any contact will be minimal and I will keep as far away from him as is legally possible at all times - he is destructive.

Thanks, better, yes, never cease to amaze is right. Am actually considering speaking my GP for a recommendation for a family therapist, as I feel out of my depth. The manipulation is well, I am struggling for words, it is aimed at undermining me and doing damage to my parenting/relationship with dcs. I have started to log the examples and I would like guidance on how to deal with it.

Still, on a lighter note, dc is sleeping next to me snoring like a train!

I think what you are proposing to do it the right thing. You deserve professional help and this may help with contact issues, especially via the court. Logging things is good, yes a pattern will form it will help you and be evidence for court - the ladies on here have been very helpful to me my anxieties have been similar. When i read about the tactics of abusers and sociopaths and the like and identified who my exp really was I could predict more what he would do and deal with it better - I am still a novice but getting better. there was a seemilgly very little incident this week but I dealt with it better.
I should be sleeping like a train - good for them . I am working in the morning, better go.

Thanks for all your support rose it stops me for feeling so many bad things. Now tell me to go to bed

go to bed better

hunni your welcome to ramble anytime. any rambling other than from a fw is welcome lol

rose you are posting support and analysis now, as well as sharing your indecisive ramblings (so-called) (which are, btw, part of being decisive )

I have annoyed Lovely Bloke in similar ways to how I annoyed FW (and many other people throughout my life! including managers at work ) LB has responded, but he has also listened to my explanation that it is part of my odd thinking style . Other times he has missed a piece of logic in his argument, and I have pointed it out - it takes him about 3 days to think it through. But, and it's a big but, we have always managed to sort stuff out quite quickly, by talking, sometimes when both of us are angry. Because even when we are angry, we listen to each other.

This is a far cry from how it was with FWEx.

We argue much less now I held out the tiniest glimmer of hope re typo's FW after reading that one example. But who comes on here for just one thing?

*We = LB and me. I never argue with FWEx these days

Hello, lovely ladies!

Just popping in to see how you all are. Sorry to hear how tough things are for you, Rose. Hope you're ok, GS. Quite right to get your posts deleted if you're at all worried. I found your threads very helpful at the time, but would not want your security compromised and have moved on now anyway, as have you.

I'm very tired and struggling to be coherent, but just wanted to say hi and I'm ok. The dcs seemed to enjoy their time with FW; it was a bit long for the younger two, I think, though. We were all together for four days and now they're with him for four days again. Then back to me and back to normal! I am benefitting from time to myself, which I have been seriously deprived of in the past... and find myself actually enjoying life! So am stepping away from the thread a bit, just for the moment, to have more time focussing on positives!

thanks honey86 - had never come across the term gaslighting before so have been supported, cared for and educated all in a few lovely thoughtful posts. Im off to watch Ingrid Bergman....

have good evenings ladies. thank you so much

Hey charlotte thanks for popping by and letting us know how you are.
enjoy your positives.
in the same way new posters are welcome although we are sad they have to come here in the first place (when they come clattering in the door of The Staggering Vixens from the windswept moor of wandering FWs) . it is always nice when someone can step back out the other door into a new life.