Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

rose it's good you laugh - yesterday we were both sad today we both laugh at the actions of the FW's - it's got to be a good sign?
It sounds like your FW is trying to be all superior again and justify his lazyitus. I'd almost want to read it but take ages, so everytime he asked what I thought I could say.. I hadn't finished it or wss till thinking about it.. until about say ..... 13th August and then I'd say it was a pile of s*it.

rose it won't be like that. northlight told your future at Thur 14:35:10 better than I could - and I am TheSilverySoothsayer ;)

This is just part of the process of leaving: it's called worst-case future pacing and is a good thing to do - just the once! So let it happen today, while you attempt to chillax.

Am working at computer today, so will be around :)

i used to have that mindset rose but trust me its not the case... its better to be alone with your dd and have a chilled xmas, than one with a fw and a hostile atmosphere putting a downer on your day. 'family' time in this case is grossly overrated.
visualise how smug hed be if he could see into your mind and discover that you feel wobbly... i do that and usually it works... the image of fw grinning with joy, satisfied im in a state of mind where he can have the cards in his hands-the chance to control again. i then feel a big sense of rebellion and in my visualisation, wipe that smirk of his face when he sees that im still standing mental strength training haha.

have u read lundy bancroft? it helped snap me out of it when i felt weakened or lonely.
keep strong hunni youve done well so far xx

oh Rose (I am a NC regular), today I felt like it was all on top of me because I am trying to sort the house, because I had no help for years and I have not enough space and I was like, there is no-one to help me, and DCs were getting fractious (although they then got involved and it was fine), and it felt like I was not coping. And feeing resentful because he has his house all sorted and turns up like Disney dad and does not have to do all the work.

Then I stopped for a cup of tea and because I was needing a break and looked at the clock and it was only eleven o'clock, and I remembered that he would have been still sat at the breakfast table, being entitled and complaining I was not paying attention to him and sitting with him if I wanted to do something else. And it was only 11 o'clock and already I had ticked several things off my list. And by lunch time, I felt much better like I could manage again and we will all have a day out tomorrow becuase so much has got done today.

In other words, it is hard, there are times you feel awful, and that it is NOT FAIR, this is not what you signed up for, but it is very much better than what you had before. I don't have parents I can turn to, my sister is 800 miles away, and it does feel sometimes like it is just me. And especially if you leave a FW relationship, you will find that you have become isolated and withdawn, but that is not you, that is the effect of the relationship.

You are 26, all the thing you wish for could still happen and there is every likelihood that they will. Just not where you are now. Courage.

rose please don't try Take it from one who has.

Mine seemed to take pride in not working.
He wanted to fuck me alright, but wouldn't do housework or take me out for a meal. I had no respect left for him in the last decade, still had hope though, and had good sex by thinking of him as Spike from Buffy (sort of!)

Weddings I was never too bothered about. Divorce was hell (well, settlement) in part because our marriage was a long one

I have found someone now who I think is amazing. And I think it is mutual I am 60.

I managed to keep a separate life, I tried to have a career, but it was tremendously hard with no support from FWEx (oh yes, mustn't forget, in the last job I had he did the cooking and seemed to think this balanced everything). He played computer games which spoke, while I was on another computer in the same room, trying to work on a PhD

Worst, he was always there. On August 13th it will be 365 days since I last saw him (kids adult).

This is a dark night of the soul, rose. One day at a time. You really do not know at this stage how you will even feel when you wake up tomorrow.

Keep posting. [hug]

rose he is at least a major part of your depression. I still take a maintenance dose of paroxatine, but my depression is now a thing of the distant past.

All those things you get upset about, these are worth getting upset about. The life you sketch out, accepting all those things, is no life. You deserve more.

Rose, where are you moving to? Not geographic location, I mean, what type of housing.
Even good neighbours make a difference. I used to have your worry when my older dd was small (was a single parent then). Where I live now, I know my neighbours, so we text if we have not seen each other for a while, and catch up regularly. Funny, FW did not like one of them, so was more isolated when he was here, because he made it really difficult to see her. You will make student friends too.
The lack of parental support is a biggie, I can't pretend it is not, but I really, truly find it easier not to deal with my parents (narc, abusive mum, dad a former alcoholic and now in poor health enabler).

rose he wants you isolated and not wanting to talk to people. They may agree with you that he is a FW for one. The days are ticking by and then you can get much rest. Just him not being there and you being able to relax will reduce that exhaustion. Anxiety is so draining - I have felt so drained - I go to bed earlier sometimes it is boring but when I am awake I have more energy. I need on of those early ights tonight - kick me off here f you see me on

Just been on a thread where people are almost bragging about swearing at thier DC.... oh dear the FW or the future are being made - they have no idea. It really makes me see how easily they can believe (the people on the other thread and FW's) that abusive words are ok. Some on the other thread to swear at DC is not abusive please let me it is not me who is wrong. I was then told how I had said I was a perfect parent... errr when? .

why are some of the letters missing? I must not have full strength to press the keys

rose his depression is not a reason it is an excuse. this is not about how he feels it is about how thinks.

and you cannot have a man who priorities taking coke and weed around your dd.
i know plenty good parents who smoke a bit to unwind. but it is kids first. weed way behind.

he is a millstone round your neck.

he is what is stopping you from being happy.
he is what is making your life harder
he is what is stopping you having friends and getting on with your neighbours
he is what is stopping you meeting someone new who will love you properly.

a whole new start with people who have never met him who have never heard the shouting where you can be just yourself.

yes this is not what you would have chosen if you were choosing off the a la carte menu of life. but today all you have is the set menu with two choices - FW a.k.a. greasy bloaters or the new option. you have never tried the new option so give it a go because you already know you don't like greasy bloaters.

also rose please think how hard you worked to organise your course, to arrange somewhere to live and to get it all lined up. don't let him come with you and spoil it. because get will. he will drag you down.and it is yours, your thing, your life, your career, your hard work and the only contribution he will make to it will be to spoil it for you.

be proud you have got this far. chin up. chest out. you CAN do this.

and as for being alone- if you have childcare organised fir dd, they will contact you if you dpn't show up. so they can be your emergency back up..it is a worry. i worry about it too but you can find solutions.

He will not get embarrassed rose because he sees it as your fault, he doesn't think he has anything to be embarassed about. It says to me that it will continue.
My exp was very careful not to shout at me when people could hear him - he let his guard slip one day well a couple of times in the end but if he was really not embarassed about it, if he really thought it was an ok thing to do - why did he respond to the points about this that I made in a court statement by rewritting the incident...he said... it was me shouting and him embarassed . I guess he didn't think that the court would see it as an ok thing to do.
mink your posts are just wonderful, well put and inspiring.

I hope I am not writing out of turn if I join this thread and ask for some advice. Since January I have been involved with someone who i have known as a friend for some time and who i cared about very deeply. I left a crumbling relationship for him, have upturned the life of my partner and children, and am slowly coming to the realisation that he is possibly an emotional bully. I am trying to understand whether his behaviour is normal, or acceptable, and if not, how i try and get on with my life without him.

I dont want to write a long long post but thought an example of his behaviour shared here might help. He stayed at mine on tuesday night and I woke in the middle of the night to find him worked into a complete state - tossing, turning, sighing, ranting, because there was construction work keeping him awake. As he was sleeping next to an open door I suggested that I get up, close the door, open a window at the front of the flat to create a breeze and stop the noise - fairly logical to me, which I did and he promptly fell asleep.

When we woke the next morning I said that he had got himself into a bit of a state over the noise and this triggered a most extreme response - he denied he had been in a state, suggested I was patronising him, that I shouldnt speak to him like he was one of my children, and then refused to speak to me until we left the flat. When I tried to make peace he criticised me and stormed off. That was three days ago and we have barely spoken since - my attempts to call have been met with shouting, stony silence, claims of needing to work, refusal to commit to meeting. We are supposed to be at a wedding together this evening but I have not heard from him. He has suggested that I am uncaring and unloving, that I should have been caring for him and supporting him if he couldnt sleep, not suggesting that it was his fault by saying he was worked up.

on the flip side then he can be incredibly loving, caring, kind, considerate. He shows me huge love and affection in a way that I have not known before He is someone who i feel very connected to emotionally, intellectually, physically and who I have opened up to in a way that I never had with the father of my children - who is a lovely kind man but where we have been very distanced from each other for a long long time. I feel as though I have jumped from one extreme to another and just dont know whether this is what a relationship is like when emotions run high or whether he is behaving in a way that is not normal. We can barely go a week without having some kind of row or argument and because he is very articulate then he can always out argue me and always point the blame squarely at me for anything that creates tension or causes upset. I am not an argumentative person and dont know how to defend myself when he goes on the attack. I know that he would never physically hurt me but his capacity to demonstrate both extreme love and extreme hatred for me is unlike anything I have ever known. He is funny, kind, popular, enormously liked, and says that he has never behaved in this way with anyone else and that I drive him mad through my selfish thoughtless behaviour. I honestly dont know what to think anymore. Advice very welcome. Thank you.