Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Thank you again.

Fairy, I am sorry the conversation was triggering, I really am, as you have enough to deal with. But I am glad that you have said that, as I have been walking around this morning with my wobbly anxious legs on, trying to work out why I felt that way. It was triggering on so many levels.

Reflecting on it some more, I think it was also a bit threatening (not from my friend, but generally), because he said how his friend had responded, which was by bringing charges against his ex-wife for harassment and slander (they are not in this country, so that is my best translation), which she now has to defend.

The more I think about it, the more disturbing the conversation was.

Moving on, the question is then why was my friend telling me all this. I tried to call him this morning to clear the air, but also to ask him how he had wished me to react, what was he looking for from the conversation, to open up a dialogue, but it went to voicemail and his mailbox is not accepting messages.

fox i think we need to be together today - slept badly and feel terrible today. Stuff at work not helping, taken afternoon off it is not like me but feel so ill. My body and mind are telling me this is all wrong. May go tot he GP.
I don't think your friend is being fair expecting you to comment on an incident you only have a third parties view of - the same would apply to anything not just DV. Yes there are bad women too - but I don't know why he felt he has to tell you that there is such little knowledge of the subject in the public domain and maybe he is trying to get his head round it all as are we but that doesn't excuse what he said. It's hard to keep it in perspective but try not to think too much about it - we are more sensitive to the subject whilst going through this hell. leave it for a little while if you can and see how you feel/think - he may phone you again in the meantime.

hi Fox lovely. It wasn't triggering for me... I was saying it was a triggering conversation for you. I have to be careful how I read, like us all that have been through this to make sure we keep safe. So I did a kind of 'peek' read at yours and thought it sounded like a triggering convo for you to be in the middle of. So for me, it didn't, thanks hun x Very brave to call to get clarification, but if you still don't have clarification prepare yourself that its more important to stay away of anything you cannot make sense of right now. There's possibly a reason you're not able to make sense of it, because of the way it was presented.

Better (((hugs))) for your feeling like this today. Your body and mind are telling you this is all wrong hun? Can you say some more? xxx

rose you will be ok. you will not be alone. you will have dd and you always have the vixens...with utensils and at the ready.
and really, really, life is better without the toxic nsdp than with.

and you will have a whole new life. you will go through phases of feeling low. it won't be a laugh a minute...but at least there might be some laughs and it gets better. it really does get better. only 11 days to go. you can do this. yes your new life will be different but that is the thing it will be your life.

Speaking of I wonder how some of the escapees are getting on tis thinking of you hope all is well.
maggie hope your new life and new house is all good.
colin living proof its gets better
and to all the other survivors!

so vixens, raise a glass, to freedom!

Hand holding, rose, 11 days to go. I suspect he may be difficult when he realises you are actually going without him, rather than thinks you are just saying it, so stay strong and get a friend in for back-up on moving day.
I have no relationship with my mum, so another alone person. But okay. Though I feel emotionally a bit inept sometimes, like I don't really understand people who have functioning birth families, it is a bit alien to me, like they inhabit a different world.

better, I hope you are okay. Huge hugs. Thank you for replying to me.

X-post. Rose, my dYYd is 10, she does not hate me yet (well, apart from when I enforce bedtimes). She seems to be quite well-balanced, loving and kind, outgoing and more confident than I ever was. That said, she just came out wonderful, so I am not taking the credit.
I absolutely feel bad about her 'complicated' life, her words, but I have always done my best and put her and now ds first, which means keeping them safe, and providing love and a roof over their heads.
Courage, my dear, your dd will not hate you.

GS, so sorry to hear this. I hope you are okay, and I wish you well.

GS MAHOOOSIVE (((hugs))) hun.. don't disappear... make sure you can still get your supports here and wherever you need them lovely...

Its horribly distressing! My heart goes out to you.. you are doing so well hun.. keep going xxxx

just wanted to add also to Fab s point Rose

I have had comments since things have settled down about how different DD is, really coming out of herself [bigsmile-hugesmile] and a lot of anxieties have settled.

Its worth any night of being alone!

Remember theres no stigma to being a 'single' mum! they are some of the most brilliant families there are, and no price on peace and calm once the front door closes, and home is a haven again.

often thinking of Maggie amazeballs, often wondering how she is and hoping upon hope that she is doing better and better all the time.

The same for Tis

GS thanks for letting us know and that you are ok.
I think it a good time go let those threads go as they served there purpose and you had moved on to the future.
hope to see you soon transformed again

rose good friends in your dcs life can be as valuable as family. and your happiness is important to your dc. this is not the life you would have chosen if you were picking from the full menu...but it is the best of the choices you have. she will know that. you are doing a good thing for her.

GS, stay strong, hope it all goes ok with whatever is going on. Thinking of you.

How about putting earbuds in and listening to music? Or an audio book. Anything but him!

rose keep strong hunni dont let him sway you.

fox ive had that- where the odd person has gabbered on about fathers rights n they seem to really put emphasis on the bits about equality in court... i personally find it highly patronising... it almost feels like theyre saying (and if i sound ott just say) that fw will get his own way, get 50:50 of everything no matter my concerns and cos of fathers rights theres nothing i can do about it-
its almost like saying i wont have much of a voice and i have to let him have a say in my life even after separation. in the mind of the recently abused, its a pity face with 'youll never get away from him you know'

as well as that its as if they think you dont already know these things

i still get the visualisations of how much of a good mood hed be in if i had any misfortunes. cos thats what hes like... gets satisfaction from seeing his 'rivals' (which is what he sees others as) suffer somehow.

read abit of lundy again n still more things scream out at me... such as exaggerations to absurdity about experiences. reminded me of how he bragged about driving illegally in a fast pimped up car to pick up a notorious criminal whod just got out of prison. he doesnt even know how a clutch works nor does he have a licence ffs same as how hes going to do his driving lessons, buy a convertible, pimp it up with body kits and spinners, fit subwoofers in the back n drive around with loud music to show off to ppl.

Sorry. This was to you, BloomingRose. Remember how happy you were the day you were told you got the house? You deserve to be happy.

hes trying to make u feel like your life will be nothing without him rose, when its actually the other way round. whats he going to do? drink?

the fact hes drinking like this is a big neon sign of loser. alcohol also notoriously inflates the drinkers ego and gives a false sense of confidence. your life will have much more freedom and self-expression in it without him there, you'll see xxx

rose I know it is tough and it is not the same as 'real' people but really you do have us anytime you need us.
FW is just giving it bluster. he will do what he wants...with his dole money, and then what?
whereas you really will be able to do what you want and you will not have him draining all the money and the joy out of your life.
I am not minimising how tough it is being a single parent. It gets right on top of me sometimes. but at the end of the day I have my dcs. and just one really loud belly laugh from them does make my day. even if they do draw on the walls far more often than kids their age should. it is hard but it is worth it. we are a team.

ask colin how it gets better- she felt much the same a few months ago and see how strong she is now because she is liberated and free to be who she really is. you are battered by all you have been through. you are daunted by what is to come. in many ways it would be better if it could be like ripping off a plaster and it was already done. or even better if he would just turn out not to be a FW. but sadly you must play the hand you have been dealt as best you can. the waiting must seem interminable and because you don't know what is to come it is easy to imagine the worst.
only 11 more days to go. you can hold on. consider it a work in progress. you cannot see the finished project yet but it will be a wonderful thing. and once you are out you will get dealt new cards. a new hand to play with.

honey as i always say to people who bang on about father's rights they don't have rights, dcs have rights, fathers have responsibilities.
and in the eyes of the law children have an equal right to see both of their parents, if and only if doing so would be of benefit to them. I know the courts are not always a savvy as we would like and grindingly slow and painful in their process- although sometimes as in betters current situation that can be a good thing. in think they are getting better, they are more aware of DA. and FWs often talk the talk they like the idea of court but when faced with the reality of actually having to look after their dcs instead of putting themselves first they rarely go for 50:50 parenting.

but yy to thinking they own their children. oh yes. when it suits them.