Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Ok. Here's a story. When I was 21/22 weeks pregnant, and a week returned from our honeymoon, my drunk husband followed me from room to room in the house we had newly moved into, shouting abuse at me for some perceived misdemeanour, throwing clothes driers across the room, shaking my DS awake and finally threatening me with a golf club. After embedding said golf club in the wall and then breaking up a bookcase with it (while I cowered in terror) he then managed to hit himself in the ankle with it. He could hardly walk. I helped him upstairs into bed (he's 6ft 1, I'm 5ft 2, pregnant and suffering from SPD), then went and got cold compresses, etc, to nurse his ankle.

What is your reaction to that? Should I stay or go? Is it me or him?

I used that story because I recognised the 'caring for him after he'd hurt me' aspect of your story. I stayed with him another 10 months after that. I wish I hadn't.

Rose, it is never, never 'just' violence, it is part of a strategy of control, and standing there with his calm voice on to make you feel unhinged is part of that. (The violence is bad enough, btw)

And also, the violence works through intimidation, you know it could happen again, so you modify your behaviour accordingly.

Though I am also wondering if the hysteria is fear/panic, if you read back the violent incidents, they are scary, so you will have a deep rooted physical reaction to being under pressure from this man. Blocking something out is a trauma response.

Massive hugs my dear. Do what you need to do to stay safe and well, but please do leave alone on 21 August, I think it was. I will hold your hand every day, if needs be, till 21 February 2014.

Xpost. for your experience pony.
I think it takes a long time to leave because you want things to be different/better, and because they are invested in making you stay.
And it is very hard to leave when you are pregnant.

Thanks for the responses, but really I just wanted to show you Rose that your situation is abuse. At the time, I struggled to label mine as such.

But as fox says - focus on leaving on the 21st. None of this matters if you can just leave.

rose even if you doubt he is abusive all the time he doesn't make you happy hun. He is looking to you to meet his needs all the time - when you don't he sulks, he isn't very nice to you and he has been abusive to you. He sounds like he thinks he is more intelligent than you yet HE can't find a job and relies on you for money to meet his needs. Rose you are very kind and considerate - he knows that, he thinks you will always meet his needs not matter what. Keep safe x

I think the danger with the co-dependency model is that it may be the opposite, that is, the stress of an alcoholic or addicted partner causes poor psychological functioning, undermines your self-esteem. I think when applied to a DV or DA relationship, it is actually dangerous because it makes the woman feel responsible.

Please google Blaming the victim: against codependency and the domestic violence model by Dear. If you put that in, you should find it. Cannot link as on phone. It critiques Norwood, but also explains the sociocultural processes which make codependency inappropriate in relation to DV.

rose abusers say `you made be do that' not feel that - your feelings are your responsibility (and his - his) that is where the boundaries come in, you are not being abusive - I am only just learning this myself so hope I have it right. I used to get very frustrated and upset and victims do often look and sound like the hysterical one because of that and this is why people/courts tend to not believe us. Therefore, the other thing I am learning to do is respond not react -its very hard but gets easier. I can do it in writting now but need to be able to do it face to face - CBT is helping me.

rose strangly after I realised what was going on with my exp and what had really happened I also looked at a family member. You will not end up alone - you will end up surrounded by wonderful people. It will probably be a boundary issue with your mother.

Rose, I have to say I keep meaning to go to the Stately Homes thread, but I am pretty much NC with my parents, so just concentrating on sorting out my own life for the moment. You can do everything in your own time.

I used to think, if I leave FW, I will be alone because my parents were so appalling when I got married that I recognised a lot of past stuff for what it was, and there was no way back. I do miss parental support, but I know they have not changed and I cannot change them.

However, I have found that having clarity, without FW and without them, and being able to work on my self and my boundaries, has actually been a good thing. That sounds horrible, but I am trying to find a detached way of relating to them as dcs grandparents. I would not have been able to do that before.

pony some excellent and very brave posts. your FW is truly awful.. cannot believe he had the cheek to give you all the I miss you treatment recently. even if he needed you like oxygen he wouldn't still have no right to even say so.

rose even if you did hit him first (and don't take his word for it because my ex swore i threw a glass at him once (i threw the contents at him after he had kicked it across the floor) but he easy so convincing in the end i believed him...even though i knew i had not.
but even if you did...how scared do you think he would be? was his response, breaking his hand proportionate? self defense has to be proportionate. i doubt he felt intimidated and controlled.

if your child hit him and he thought it is then reasonable to wallop her. is that self defense?
now I am not saying a grown woman should be treated like a child....but you get the point.

if you had hit him...and you had hit him as hard as he hit you, you would know because he would have been injured and so would you. you too would have a broken hand.

but putting that aside. he makes you miserable and uses you as a crutch. if anything you will be doing him as favour by forcing him to stand on his own feet.

Good morning lovely ladies. Hope everyone is ok today.

Rose darling.. it is what you did with what you felt.

Did you hound him, did you pursue him... did you 'goad' him and taunt him into a reaction, did you dump your shit on him just so that you could offload feelings and angers that were nothing to do with him?

Or did he do the winding up and then sit back and tell you to 'calm down, again and again' when he had actually got you to react to 'his unrelated shit'.

Mine would walk through the door without a word .. I would dread him coming home, he wouldn't speak. It was very bad by the end. He wouldn't speak to DC either, just about say hello. Never came home to engage with us, even earlier on, or to cuddle baby/play with toddler/ask child about their activities. he never really knew what was going on for us, his job and his paper were all, oh and his alchohol and football. When I complained about heavy duty project fail at work for me, he told me he was bored of listening to me... I did know this of course, already, that I was boring to him, but it never hit me quite the same as when he said it.

He will tell you that the alchohol wasn't a problem, yet complains about the cost of taking his DC to have lunch with him whilst purchasing himself a coupleof pints on top, see... no sense atall, only must have a drink, no matter what the cost. Anyhow deviating a little there, and you have spoken of the alchohol and drugs, so I think it does matter, it is involved, so much so that you want to buy it to get him in a good mood. Mine thought me strange, if I didn't always want a drink? That I would turn down a glass of alchohol was just unheard of, how strange .. what IS the matter, him and his family would say.

What got you to the 'state' and how did you 'act'.

mine told me that I would make him treat me that way, the shouting and cause the rages, like Pony was saying, very much, I could have written that (cept without the golf clubs). that he was in a bad mood already but wouldn't own his feelings. Instead preferring to pick and pick and pick at me til I was upset and eventually angry. I would know after many years of it, the pattern, and would give up engaging, but he would fly at me spitting venomously non-sensical words. All and everything said and done to me was forgotten.

It is what got you to the state? what led up to him just saying, when you are calm, when you are calm? what would have happened beforehand?

Pony morning!

also, when I was against a wall with his face in mine I did slap the FW round the face. He knew very well how scared i was. He would say he could see it in my face, and sometimes even when he wasn't 'feeling that way'!!!!! FFS!

I would try to understand his words! I would try so hard till my brain burst to take on board the horrible , nonsensical words, he was shouting at me, and they only served to completely confuse and bewilder. It was the rantings of a mad-man with no logical atall.

Yes, he would say he was having an argument, but he would say one thing, and I would engage with that totally, and say ok we should tackle this point of contention (or whatever), but no sooner was that done then it would be something else, and something else! then it would just be rantings and shouting and pure vile abuse.

Now does it sound like you did this? Its not how you are describing it is it?

He's actually chased cars down the road in a rage bellowing at the drivers. He never once got up to help in the night with baby DC, told ppl was sleeping through already! pah! 2 hourly feeds, don't think so!

He hadn't a fucking clue!

I saw mine goading others and sit back smirking at their reaction whilst he remained calm.... do you do this?

Its the place its coming from Rose, do you enjoy goading and seeing his reaction? These things will tell you clearly that if you hate doing this or don't do it, its not you, its him.

Does he gain some sense of pleasure do you think from his having the control of the calm down, calm down bit.. will he then walk about whistling? you said so.. he feels king of the castle then.. his tactics have succeeded happily for him, you are left feeling a wreck, with your headfucked, and he is whistling getting his rocks off in his intellectually superior way... gosh he feels good and you feel shit. Does that sound like you have abused him?

I really hope the meds are settling down for you.

Step by step, working through this understanding, which is so hard to unravel at times, will get you there, and you are doing it.

xxxxxx

wise words re: codependency model Fab

y y absolutely. Going down that route would invalidate the sense of abuse, which is so vital to recovery.

Oh Rose you are the one struggling emotionally & mentally to cope, please see that. and that when you are feeling this low, is when he is feeling so high (and close to you... euuurgh!)

This is a cycle that someone else described very well, not too recently, on another forum. they were being physically beaten until they couldn't move, in bed, and he would then tend to their every need with 'kindness' and 'support'!! He is doing the same to you, but emotionally. Its so shocking when we hear the physical version, but suffering it emotionally and mentally is the road to insanity.

It does absolutely make you feel bad, sad, and mad!

rose I too am wary of the codependency model.
I would say as far as you need to go with it- you tried to fix him and to help him because you are compassionate. don't try to fix him. you can't. it is his job to fix himself. and leave it at that.

if he's soothing... leave him.. get away from him for a while and enjoy your sunday doing something else...leave him to it, unless he is able to manage his seething away from you telling you he doesn't blame you and not your fault.

soothing!?????? na na na!!! Seeeething of course