Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

ha ha!!! Mink excellent

very odd dinner party Rose ha! who would be left at the table? Who? so basically talk about himself and his lifestyle then?

me. we split up for a while 2 or 3 times but he always came back. then one day while he was screaming abuse at me, I decided enough and got rid for good. at that point I just thought he was a bit hard to live with and did not really respect me and that it was bad fir the kids. only when I came on MN did I fully get it.

then I found this thread

anyway. tbh I felt pretty good for the first week..scared he would persuade me to take him back and very sad that it had come to this but resolute.

i have had far darker nights of the soul since the first week but generally it ges better.

rose I should qualify it though by saying that we always had separate houses and although FW slept here often, because of his shifts we often did not see him for days at a time...so that made it easier.

I was very very busy worrying about DC in that first week, and it took me some months to stop jumping at shadows, expecting the ominous foot-fall in the hall, worrying about dinner times...

It felt very strange! I did turn the house over very quickly with all the new energy painted everywhere, worked for a carpet fitter in exchange for some replacement carpeting (set up some linked accounts spreadsheets, not carpet fitting ).

I lived with his shadow for some months, but refused any further contact whilst supporting lots of contact for DC with him. I would not speak. but he continued to abuse prolifically by email, and I got let myself get continually drawn in to email discussions/abusive exchanges.

I didn't realise till i started restricting contact (only changing the arranging slightly as a result of abuses to DC at particular flashpoint) how much it was escalating and that it was still going on, just not in the physical world around me, but the physiological response and psychological suffering continued. Its been a long journey, becausse of soo many years living together and having to consider DC. Psych journey still ongoing.

If I had ceased all contact I think a lot lot quicker, I had no support until I found here, I don't know how I found here, or how I found other sources of support, I couldn't tell you how it all happened, i was in too much of a fog. someone might have led me here I think! but once here, the most amazing support and mind-blowing validation arrived... that's when my journey properly started.

yy to brainwashing like being in a cult, Fi, I was thinking that recently. A good analogy, I think.

And I too had FW wanting sex after tearing me apart. I have no memories of what it was he said or did. But I know how bad it made me feel and then how sick I felt that he could feel turned on. But as usual I was paying little attention to my feelings.

hi hope you ladies are ok i popped on the last thread seems we're chattier than anticipated

in abit of a mist at the mo, been reflecting back on everything and alot of hurt and anger is resurfacing... about the way he treated me...

i dont get how any human has the capacity to lie and hurt people and try to wreck lives.. then shift blame, feel no guilt and be all happy about what theyve done. fw actually thinks hes good for the pain hes caused like he seems like hes actually proud of it! HOWWW! HOW can anyone feel no guilt or shame for using innocent children and the care system as revenge tactics?? to try and have my poor bereaved kids taken from their homes just to make himself feel good. i just dont understand how anyone could be so vile! i feel so much hate and disbelief at him for it how actually could he and howww can people be so naive and support him - his allies- do they not think its a coincidence he made his threats and claims around the time i ended the relationship?

i feel so angry and sad that ive been left in this situation (single and pregnant- again). im holding onto that silver lining that is the beautiful baby ive got out of it. but at the same time living in fear of what lies, allegations and disruption hes got up his sleeve when this babys born.
though his actions have meant that ive got over him in a flash, now the very thought of his evil clown-like grin repulses me. even though im hurt by being in this position again god knows im going to fight tooth and nail to keep him from putting his disgusting depressive controlling stain and my precious kids' lives, and do my very best to prevent this baby from ending up a sorry screwed up mess like his sperm donor. sigh

god im sorry for such a rant - i really needed to vent. kids are now out of school for the summer hols and dont want to carry around so much negativity- they pick up on anxiety like little radars.

honey think I might have seen another thread of yours. What an awful situation to be in. You sound so determined, it's nice to hear a determined rant!

YY to FW wanting sex when you're really down. It felt like every time he was awful I built a bit more of the brick wall around myself, protecting myself from being hurt. When he broke me yet again it was as if that brick wall was crumbling, and I reckon that was why he felt close to me. I remember an awful night where I was a broken sobbing wreck, he was holding me and wanted sex. Then he wanted to do things I didn't want to do. When I said no he just turned his back and said 'fine I don't want to touch you then'.

I confronted him the following day, and asked if he just thought I was so broken that I'd finally do what he wanted. He couldn't reply. FW FW FW

hey honey - I feel/felt the same - how can someone be bothered to do all this/that? by putting so much energy into something nice they would be happier? they are scared and insecure - unless they `win' they feel a real failure - they have the problems - night x

i spose i just cant understand how some ppl dont feel any sense of shame in the bad things they do

saw an article on narcissism- it discribes him to a T:

An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)
Difficulty with empathy
Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
Haughty body language
Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
Pretending to be more important than they really are
Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
Denial of remorse and gratitude

Hotchkiss' seven deadly sins of narcissism:

Hotchkiss identified what she called the seven deadly sins of narcissism:[7]

Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.
Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect, using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.
Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.
Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.
Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.
Exploitation: Can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.
Bad boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between self and other.

hypersensitivity to imagined insults- thats true too, if someone doesnt buff his ego somehow or at least be on his 'side' he takes it personally, starts assuming things n imagines up thinks they cud be saying.... panics about it and spreads around rumours about that person- purely based on his paranoia... i used to try soo hard to calm him down n make him see theyre not insulting him but it was like talking to a concrete wall

At least knowing they feel no shame and will do anything to meet thier own needs seeing that as yours and everyone else's responsibility helps you understand that they will always be like that and just need to be avoided. DC see it too and even if forced to see them as soon as they don't have to go anymore they don't.

well my plan is that whatever happens with contact im gonna try not to slag him off around dc, and just hope that dc will wise up to his games eventually... cos surely trying to tell dc the truth about fw will just give him the chance to go 'see that? i told you she was nasty to daddy' etc etc- kinda giving him the chance to say im trying to alienate etc. its so hard when dealing with such a poisonous fw not to give in to temptation to tell everyone whats hes like n why he acts like that. fw loves a good reaction, it seems to give him a sense of accomplishment

need to try not to grant him that x

Hello all.

Well, I don't know where to begin catching up.I wanted to post because today marks three months of freedom and I just wanted to share how liberated I am so you know it gets better.

Three months ago, I caught my boyfriend brazenly sat in the pub, 'our' pub with a girl. The day before, he had talked getting married and had followed me to make sure I got my train. You can see why I was so surprised. He saw me, ran out and asked me to leave, that she was no-one and that we'd sort it out. Like a fishwife, I went in the pub where he introduced me to the girl as his ex. That evening, he announced he was in a relationship with her. Via Facebook. And let a mutual friend tell me.

I thought my world had ended. A poison ran through me, I stopped sleeping, eating or brushing my hair. I posted some pathetic posts on here. I went on anti depressants. I was signed off work. It was the lowest time of my life. I genuinely wanted to die. He harassed me via text, phone, email and turned up at my office.

I was supported by my family, friends and some amazing people on this thread.

On reflection, recovery was fairly speedy. Even within a fortnight, I felt better. I still missed him, I was addicted to him, but being removed from that abuse...the benefits kicked in soon.

So the first two weeks were awful, the second two weeks were a bit better and since then...well, the last two months have been some of the best of my life.

Instead of spending my money on him, I spend my money on me. A holiday, haircuts, clothes.

Instead of spending all my time with him, I spend it with my friends and family.

Instead of tidying his house, my own house is tidier and more organised than it has ever been.

I'm more productive and creative at work than I have ever been.

I have time to pamper myself, my nails are always pretty.

I feel fitter than I've ever been because I'm allowed to go running/gym.

I got a tattoo. Had a two night stand. Ticked 'sex with a woman' off my bucket list. Rekindled a friendship I had with one of his ex friends because he had forbidden us from being friends. I've been to gigs. Gone out dancing until 4am. I practically skip through the city I live in with a huge grin on my face.

Instead of being told I'm ugly, people I know say I am beautiful. I'm starting to believe it. My happiness is radiating. I've stopped hiding my mouth in photographs because he said it was ugly.

Special thanks to all the people on here that have seen me through many name changes. At first I thought he was a bit odd. Then slowly I realised, through this board, what his true colours were. My handsome, charming, funny and clever boyfriend was emotionally and financially abusing me.

Thank you, you cocklodging, abusive fuckwit. I should have given you your marching orders long ago, but I was too charitable, too kind. Thank you for setting me free. The last few months have been so happy without you.

Right, better go and catch up with my Vixens!

wtg colin well said. what a prize arsehole.

Colin what a brilliant post. You're an inspiration!

colin keep that grin on your beautiful face.
honey yes I think DC will soon realise what he is like. You have every right to respond to things DC says to you and if you believe what they are saying has come from FW and is not true you have a right to reply etc. he will think he is being clever he will be destroying himself. Go into the other room afterwards and srceam, rant on here etc.

Oh Colin you've brought a tear to my eye. So glad to hear you're doing well

(and sex with a woman, oh my! do tell over a glass of wine in the vixens one time )

Woohoo! Well done Colin ! I was wondering how you were getting on. I'm so glad you now have the glittering, happy life you deserve. Here's a crown to celebrate becoming queen of your life again

Just a flying in visit to wave madly at and for Colin! I am so happy to hear that you are in such a great place right now. And you know what? You have done this for yourself. We have been behind you all the way, egging you on, but you have done this, so that's another reason to feel proud and stand tall.

I think a is in order for the beautiful butterfly.

nini, how are things with you?

Will try and catch up properly over the weekend, been a busy week... Lots of love to all. xx

queen Colin yay! just flying by also to have quick catch up.. more music to ears woooo hoooo!

colin yay to you so happy you are happy woo hoo indeed!

Another one saying well done to Colin, but in the end, you have set yourself free too, because you have worked through the emotions to see him for what he is. That is not easy.