Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

alice and about your x's plans.
really there is no understanding people like that
and just the horror of it. can fully understand why you would not want to trust again. which is so unfair on you who have done nothing to deserve this.

my FW would often wish bad things on people- as in I wish the cunt was fucking dead - said frequently of the mother of his other dcs and often said to them!!(and at point she was quite seriously ill) and I was wtf? what about your dcs if she dies. he could not give a shit about the effect on them of either his remarks or of something happening to her. and of someone else with whom he had disagreed and who was very ill he said I wish he would hurry up and die we will all be better off. he still went to the guys funeral afterwards though.
so as much as it is shocking and malicious it just came across as really immature and toddler tantrum behaviour.

oh Alice [glumface]

I have certainly thought the same stupid thought, but that was over latest DV relationship. I do understand you extending that to the most stupid... comment, but we know its not about stupid now, its about their covert activities to dupe, but yes, much like being caught in the net of the doorstep/internet conman, we feel stupid afterwards, but they hone their tools of deception to such unhealthy xtremes, how can we be stupid to not be aware of them?

I am now at the stage of recovery of really truly wishing I didnt understand, or have the knowledge in my head of the extent of the psychopath. It makes me feel sick, and having to reassess everything I do or have done thro that particular filter (or whatever sick coloured glasses, certainly not beautiful rose-tinted, and I hate looking through [glasses]). I feel horrified at the things I have said, like recently trying to discreetly point out to a acquaintance that buttons had come undone we were sat with lots of others around, she explained that she was wearing a top underneath and it wasn't a bra [the bra was under that]. Came from a really good place in me, I know that, but awareness of the bad place that same comment can come from in an abuser (to point out deeply personal things to seek to cause extreme discomfort under the guise of being slimey & cause distress helpful)

I guess another phase that will pass????????? arrrrrgggghhhh!!!!

needed to shout, skin crawling, hate the insights. but definitely not stupid hun xxx

the book that I quoted from a way back about recovery, does identify this stage very clearly, and that has been greatly reassuring, despite the squirming!

alice, rose enormous hugs to both of you be kind to yourselves. these are tough days.

hope the counselling helps.
and glad you got some sleep/respite rose.

I just want to clarify so there is no confusion.. the ex partner that wanted me dead was NOT H that I just separated from. We've obviously had our problems, but that is one thing I'd like to think that H would never do.

I'm doing a bit better today than yesterday. Trying not to overthink things.

No I always felt good after each session - they tend to try and close you back up' before the session ends so you leave feelihg ok. I was off work at the time I was having mine but I remembers not wanting the good' `light' feeling to wear off after I had left there - the drive home was always better than the drive there.

I desperately want to get some counselling. I think it will help immensely in sorting through everything in my head. But I'm afraid to start - first of all, the few times I've broached it through the surgery, I've been brushed off. I will have to go through some other means.

And I suspect they'll just tell me I'm horrible or something. Too many years of conditioning, I think.

Fi Y Y to knowing more than you want about it sometimes. I think it can, at some times, be much more beneficial to look ahead instead of looking back. It's a bit of a dance, learn from it, but don't dwell on it, IYSWIM. And it's so hard to get the balance right on that.

yy Alice thanks.. definitely. the weird thing is I have never ever in my life felt so much in NOW! Life used to go on, you know, with echoes of past, feet in now and head floating but definitely on going forward.

I don't know for how long that its been now

For your surgery, I know there are some at mine that won't be drawn into talking about it, but can't be seen to reject it, others just dont get it but do try to speak it supportively; I guess it doesn't need to be understood by them atall, as you can just say I desperately need to have xxx and keep saying it until they give it you? mine was a combo of all the above! Do keep at it though, and obviously when the counsellor comes along knowing that they are not a cure all in the sense that obviously counsellors come in so many [metaphorical] shapes and sizes that only some fit well enough to work, if there's any sense of discomfort about the fit, you must feel free to pop back to the rails and pick another size with a better more comfortable fit for you. wishing you loads of luck with it, they won't judge or tell you anything you are not hun! ((hug)) xx

The counselling is in some ways more `cuddly' I then had CBT which is the tough love but helped. From what you say alice I think counselling would be really beneficial. I think it is terrible you had the brush off - in our area you get 6 free session on NHS. My counsellor was retiring and not taking anyone new on so I ended up with 10 which was fab.

Hi everyone, just wanted to wish everyone well. I have only had my phone for internet access for the past two weeks so have followed along but it's hard to post. And had no time to myself, H around 24/7 except for a few hours on Monday, and today.

Sorry haven't joined in much but I am so glad that you all are posting, so good to have a 'buffer' to this unreasonable behaviour. For years I really believed it was all down to me in some way even though I knew I had a sort-of sh*t partner.

Rose it sounds like you're making so much progress.

It's interesting to hear other people's counselling experiences, Alice I hope the GP comes through for you-- I just think that it would be good to have some definitive one-on-one investigation of why things are the way they are.

I am sure that my mother was emotionally abusive BUT her job/profession was MARRIAGE COUNSELLING ! I am such a people-pleaser as a result, and H knows that he can tell me I'm lazy (as my mother constantly did) re: work/house/sex/cooking/anything and it gets me jumping up and down to do things, (NB I'm not that bad!) but also brings me down to the lowest level of sadness... and of course he is always 'right' and I cannot argue back, it's hard to say 'no I am not lazy' because there is usually has a grain of truth there-- yes, one mug on the table (left by someone else) that I could take over to the sink. But I'm itching for the day when I can say I AM LAZY AND PROUD... and I can just enjoy the sweet passage of time rather than the frenetic pointless activity that he seems to think is the Right Way To Be! (not that he doesn't sit for hours on the sofa hogging the remote and watching fishing/Hitler/DIY programmes!)

I am off to rent a small storage unit, I am panicking that DH will discover my (extensive) clothing and shoe stockpile collection, have just looked around the house to see what I'd take and I feel utterly unconnected to everything else here. But I think I may need to make a clean break soon... I have been 'shouted at' for about two days straight.

And how is it that he always turns it around to make it look like I am the one who's being unreasonable?? This morning he had an absolute rant/tirade at me, for something that was sort-of my fault but not that important (resulted in him having to wait 20 mins for hot water for his bath) he just wouldn't let it go, then he asked me to sign a form to do with me resigning as a director of his company (I knew about it, tax reasons) and I signed it a bit of a messy way as I was shaking with anger, and he got furious with me saying I'd ruined the form... and made me feel like sh*t for ruining the form even though it WASN'T ruined, I said to him several times that it WAS my signature and no one would challenge it, etc... but he made me feel like I would make him look bad in front of his work partners, serves him right?

Then I sort of let the cat out of the bag re: leaving, by saying that YES EVERYTHING IS ALL MY FAULT and that as a result I would talk to a divorce lawyer today about me leaving (I've done this)... and I would get back to some (very nice) people who want to buy our house at a good price via a private sale, and tell them it is theirs if they want it.... etc etc. Off to the storage place, it's a start!

that'snotmynamereally well done, you are moving forward. What was his reaction to the mention of a lawyer?

Noregrets - how was the counselling?

FWIW, I have just finished having counselling - not cos I is all fixed an better like, but just because I have reached a point and I feel it is time. I have been seeing my counsellor for over a year, and it was worth the money. I felt safe, I felt unjudged, I felt supported. And I feel I have a much better insight into myself than I had. I too have made the same mistakes over and over, but hopefully I can start to do things differently now.

Just read this on love fraud it is a really good way of explaining things:
*In the year since I left Luc, many people have questioned how I got myself into this situation. Here is the best answer I can come up with:

If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, he will jump out; however, if you put that frog in a pot of cold water and slowly bring it to a boil ? before too long, you are going to have one dead frog.*

rose I doubt very much that anyone will be of have been offended. Hope you are ok today.

yy better the boiled frog. that is how i try to explain it. (to myself as much as anyone else)

I'd never heard it before - really good - I will tell cafcass I did manage to jump out as it got warm, I am not going back in, he will keep turing up the heat, he is back besides the cooker!

pony counselling was good thanks, I'm really lucky that my work pays for 6 sessions. Was a fact finding session, so not too emotional (ie only cried twice!). Just me talking for an hour really, but apparently we'll be doing more work in the next session...

rose didn't spot anything offensive personally, whatever it was I know you didn't mean offence.

Had a good conversation with FW! He's now got a solicitor to look at the financial agreement - he's left it right to the last minute, so the ball's back in his court now. He says he's destitute again, which hopefully means he'll sign it, as I've made clear that's the only way he's getting money out of me. Said he'd need a food parcel for when I drop off DD next week, but I said no as I'm broke too. Shouldn't have given an excuse - should have just said no because it's not my problem! Ho hum I'll get the hang of this boundary thing one day.

Glad counseling went well No we can hand hold on boundaries.
Wish we all lived in the same street the FW's would not stand a chance
Been reading a bit more on sociopaths - need to start keeping a journal I think. It's scary really as if he is then DS is in real trouble if I can't protect him. FW ticks every box on sociopath, very single one. The advice on boundaries and no reaction I am working on already and making sure all the legal things/directions are detailed and that was instinct too and something I had said to my sol. I did keep a journal strangley when I was pregnant I have found some of it (it broke) - some instinct must have driven me to do that all those years ago. It is only about what he did to me and when. In some ways when I read it though it makes me see how I am different, stronger and more aware now, feel like I was a child then.

you come from a very good place Rose and you are having such a difficult time, please try not to worry about this atall, just let it go hun.. we all know you well enough to be sure you weren't trying to cause offence [whatever it was??!]

We're busy trying to look out for you and your welfare and not really noticing anything else much, if that helps to know?

(((hugs))) for reassurance that all is ok hun xxxx

haha! Better our street would be jammed packed with lovely male friends and lovers, and there would be rocket launchers aimed at males with red flags flying, lined up alongside the frontline defence of the kitchen utensil special forces!!! LLOTT (hope not politically incorrect now ) xxx

I love our street
rose sleep well - you deserve it. Tomorrow is all yours.. giving you a massive unmn hug.... we always get the side swipe bit of bad lucky when you really don't need it..but it isn't come from those who care about you, it never does.

rose another saying don't worry about it. i know what you mean. it is a commonly used expression among stoners and I read it as that without thinking of the other connotations either. so i guess we all got a wee reminder. but it was not said in malice. and we all know that. the fact that whoever reported it did not post after it suggests they knew it was just a slip if the tongue and had it removed as house keeping without casting blame.

night all