Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

rose his attitude to work and how little he gives a sht cares about his contribution to DD, demonstartes his continued sense of entitlement - he feels he is entitled to contribute nothing and do nothing, it is about his needs and other people's responsibilities and it also demonstrates him as a sht parent. He is also VERY aware how all this winds you up and he will dwell on those things that wind you up the most, especially when he knows you are going and this will be his last chance to do it.
It took me a long time to realise that there is nothing I can do about how entitled my exp still thinks he is, his thoughts and opinions are his - it is very unfair that he pays nothing, has done nothing but cause my DS and myself upset, does not work, does not contribute to society and is just given money and legal costs and now wants to be `given' responsibility for DS when he needs to show it...... I suffered with illness trying to support DS and look after DS on my own and get nothing but bills I have to pay and threats about what I have to do on top of everything else as if I have some infinite ability to pay and work.
If I concentrated only on the injustices although I am doing something about this on the side gently I would be exhuasted and not enjoy my life and DS would suffer. I have the right to say no to things that are in my list. I do not have an infite amounts of money nor energy and can and will only do so much. I think what I am rambling on about it you can only deal with things you can change. Keep strong rose make a spag bol and show yourself how wonderful you are ... bet DD loves it? my DS used to love spag bol at that age.

Thank you :o Not so easy to hold my boundaries with FW today...

Stressed today. And reading that other thread has not helped. I am truly sorry to those that got it started, but I have enough I'm dealing with in RL without having to see unbelievably shit drivel from someone who posts immediately "well, what about women who abuse?" and wants to "help the abusers" on the same thread as people are trying to support victims. It was all I could take not to simply follow that post with a hearty FUCK OFF. Just what women who are dealing with EA/PA need to see is someone wanting to help the abusers and make excuses for them and point some of the blame to women.

Yes, I'm not having a great few days. Lack of sleep, children haywire, and a couple massive bad luck things happening have effectively put me right up to the edge. Thankfully H has not been a problem, in fact stepped in and assisted in one instance. So hopefully things will even out soon. But in the meantime I will have to avoid that other thread.

this thread

it turned into a bit of a bun fight
but it is getting back on track now with some really useful insight. fingers crossed it actually gets somewhere.

it was an offshoot of the awful holiday park thread about the woman who was removed from the holiday park because her xp punched her in the face and broke her nose. many posters made all kinds of assumptions about the victim of the assault, basically said she chose it to happen and was a bad parent for having been abused. and when it turned out lo and behold their assumptions were just that, assumptions and wrong to boot and she had in fact already had him prosecuted, he had stalked her and she had had him re arrested not one of them came back on to say oh well, I see now, I was victim blaming

so there is a thread trying to get MN to start a campaign about DV. first post asking if it will also help female abusers. sigh. a valid question perhaps (although I have my doubts) but wrong place and wrong time.

No, sorry I don't think it was valid at all. The person that posted that claimed to have involvement in DV professionally, so they should be well aware that it was inappropriate to expect to support abusers on the same thread as victims. Complete and utter derailment IMO. And every post they put on, they reiterated it in some way. It just made me want to scream.

The thread itself was a good idea, however, I'm worried that there will always be someone trying to derail it - either because they are an abuser or because they are a victim blamer.

Hi there

Rose so glad you had such a wonderful hope giving doc (WHY is he taken gnash of teeth!)

Yes Alice I agree about the plonker I mean poster on other thread. I did wonder if it was one of our fws. Def case of derailment, warped agenda etc. best to ignore if poss. Not engage with this type.

I am having such a nice day. Kind of small still calm in shitstorm that's normally going on! Last day of term. Quietly at home alone. DCat being lovely. A job I applied for ages ago got back in touch to offer interview for different role. Lolly and Coffee in garden with only bra and knickers on (NOT overlooked ha ha!). Won't last but rare moment for me that's happy- gotta seize them.

My counsellor said make sure I have a time to myself each day where poss - carve it out of day- we are being depleted and psychologically are under attack all the time, girls- very draining therefore need to stock up mental reserves regularly to survive.

Love to all xxx

that poster is a regular long standing poster so i think not one of our FW. but yes tenacious
i think she maybe forgot it was not AIBU. i was giving botd and thinking she was just over justifying....but it could easily have been done on other thread. sigh. best laid plans o' mice and men gang aft agley.

drs- diazepam prescription and psychiatric referral. he was just the right amount of matter of fact and sympathetic about the DA. phew. here is looking forwards to a blissful nights sleep.

Glad you got a good outcome at the doc, mink. And you Rose. Thinking of you both. and

music to your and our ears Mink and

(((hugs))) Rose give them a go and then you can always go back if you feel its not right for you, and they are not the right level? I think it can take a little time to get the balance right depending on your level of being comfortable with them? I'm glad that other thread has helped, you sounded really clear.. xxx

Sleep well mink and rose and rose I too thought you sounded really clear on the other thread x

and well done you Better too! having to repeat yet again, but eloquently and with good reasoning...

Thanks fi it is a good thread I really hope something comes of it - I like how a group of like minded people come together and support each other through such horrible times. Having the company of such wonderful people has given me so much strength and taken away some of an abusers power which has to be a good thing.

Rose I haven't heard him specifically talk like that, however, having had the unpleasant (and very sickening) feeling of knowing a previous partner was planning my demise, I certainly know where you're coming from on that. I had an inkling or gut feeling something was wrong while it was going on, but had it confirmed afterwards (by a police friend) when I was away from him. It's surreal and makes you wonder how people can actually think like that.

I do sometimes think I must be the most stupid person on the planet. I have had 4 (count them FOUR) long term relationships that have had DA/DV in them in varying degrees. Every one I left (and got out alive, which I suppose is something), but I can honestly say that there is no way in hell I plan on ever trying again. Each relationship had the same pattern, but different types of abuse in them, which I suppose was why it took me longer to "get" the pattern IYSWIM. Three of the four were stalkers, one continuing on for over 15 years so that I had to have a court order barring him from coming near me or contacting me for that entire time (and STILL he did). I do think my parents' relationship and my childhood kind of set me up to gravitate towards abusive relationships - it's not lost on me that all of my sisters have gone through abusive relationships as well. I suspect there's some common ground there in our childhood.

I don't trust my own judgement anymore.

rose can't talk long I'm supposed to be working... FW said he wished it was legal to murder as then he could slit my sister's throat. We've had frequent 'discussions' along the lines of 'If someone killed DD, would you hold it against me if I killed them?'. Was reading Lundy again last night (in preparation for 1st counselling today), and came upon the 'terrorist' section. Underlying threats, mentions of what they're capable of etc - all adds up to you feeling intimidated even if they don't threaten to kill you.

Really nervous about my counselling at lunchtime. I feel like I'm starting to get over it, although very fragile and easily brought back down with a bump. I know I haven't addressed what I've been through, and really need to talk about it, but I'm so scared of opening old wounds.

Supposed to be coming straight back to work afterwards. Should I just book the afternoon off now? How did you all cope with counselling?

I honestly haven't had any counselling yet. I would like to, but no way that I can organise it right now.

I would say that if you think you are going to be feeling fragile afterwards, then maybe plan on the afternoon off and do something nice and restorative afterwards for yourself.