Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Alive glad for you and DCs' sake that the last couple of visits have been ok. Just shows he can do it, if he choses.

Re the pattern: mine was constant, whether at a low level or higher. Every weekend began with a promise of 'come on, let's have a good weekend' after a blow up. Frequent evenings (like date nights) began the same way (sometimes ended ok, sometimes not). These blow-ups were (comparatively) low level - general criticism/shouting/banging about/upset. But still could be awful. The major blow-ups - the more major PA, SA, etc - seemed to be concentrated. There would be a period of it over a few days, then it would get to a tipping point, then we would agree to sort things and we'd be back to the (comparatively!) low level stuff again.

pony Just shows he can do it, if he choses. That's exactly what I had been thinking.

rose your FW seems to have a gift for writing, his posts remind me a little of the work of Jeremy Clarkson. However, your FW's views are somewhat more extreme, to say the least, and with JC I have a strong suspicion that he is displaying a 'media character' that he has carefully developed.

Ha! Mine was intelligent, with a science degree and experience in education. He could have found work. He's articulate and writes well. At one point he said he wanted to write - in fact he does do some poetry - but instead played computer games.

But thank god not a conspiracy theorist. If he had become one, I think that might have got me to leave much earlier!

Noregrets I don't think he thinks he is reliant upon, but demands our subservience to? As servants we must supply goods and services!

Yes, I detected patterns. Yours does sound like a real abusive cycle Pony textbook like.

Mine was situational and pressures, performances, if there was any lack of 'performance' on our part, the splattering from the fan would be audible!

I have a strong suspicion that FWs spend their lives developing same 'media character' development process!!!???!! Silvery ?

Not really, Fi - the difference being that JC knows he is paid to air right-wing views in an extreme way, whereas FWs are deluded.

The 'media personality' most FWs develop is the charming balanced person seen by the outside world, and sometimes by their victim, aiui (my FW had no such charming side)

undermine and 'make oh so funny jokes' at my expense but otherwise all my funny/nice guy is genuinely how he sees himself told the police so would never ever do anything else [overtly, publicly recognised] as abusive - many did spot he did fuck all nothing, but claimed public acclaim for working like a workaholic (whilst sharing all his tips on how to look extremely busy when doing fuck all nothing). I know how hard he worked to 're-frame' 're-contextualise' other's assertions and present his persona that was absolutely entitling and belittling to the 'offender'

Silvery

Is JC (hate to call him that with its connotations - is that part of his 'media persona' also do we think?) not a fw then in reality? The way he talks of his personal life says this is him through and through, but only the very brief bits I've seen before swiftly changing channel!

Did he really have to work at it though Fi? or did it just come naturally to him?

Well I know that he would be very particular with the words he chose, but trying to think whether that would have been 'working at it' or just automatically done.... naturally...

he is deluded! yes. I do hear his own beliefs about himself which, yes, I think he is absolutely convinced of, so yes, deluded, on that basis perhaps he's not 'working at it', but it is naturally emanating from a ridiculous set of beliefs about himself... One being, 'I'm an easy going guy' and yet to the outside he demonstrate some of the most 'stressed' behaviours I've seen! although, maybe he's also being laid back there and only manufacturing the rages? he's not stressed and I 'make' him that way.

mink I have thought about your question it was a tough one for me my relationship with FW was short, around a year but I remember words/things he said at the start that I see very different now such as how I needed to be looked after' <span class="line-through">controlled</span> how he could be really nasty' when he wanted to be and was being nice to me and how that would protect me keep me under his control On our first date I remember how much he hated coming back from the loo and a friend was chatting to me and he made a comment when he went the second time about not talking to anyone while he was away - joking of course.
How he thought that if he said things over and over I would somehow change my mind or it would mean what he was telling me was true if I showed any doubt or even if I didn't, which he still does now but forgets what he said exactly and the variations in his statements show that too it was rarely true what he said/says I found it hard to believe someone could lie so easily so much, I figured it must be me with a suspicious mind but why I only had it about him I don't know. He would also gaslight me a lot from the start but I didn't understand what that was then.

He would find various ways to show me how bad/inadequate/naieve I was, super critical of everything in my life - which he started by using as a way to show he cared, he was `helping me out' and now I just see it as the clear abuse it was, especially when his reaction to my response got worse and he ran out of other options - when he knew I had started to tell other people about some things real panic set in and he ended it.

When I became pregnant I thought he was pushing me to end the relationship and I guess he may have been but when I really looked at what he was doing and heard what he said it was just less hidden than before. He started using more shock tactics' to catch me off guard and say things I knew, he knew I would not agree with. I would struggle with understanding how he wanted so much for everyone to think he was wonderful yet would do things that I felt he knew I would not like. It took a long time to realise why he was doing that. How quiet he would be in company and then the interrogation would start as soon as we were alone. I started to dread leaving company. I used to think some things/all at first if I am honest were by accident' and kept giving him the benefit of the doubt and accepting apologies but now see clearly he knew what he was doing and what he wanted to get out of it and still does.
He really shows his true colours when he doesn't have time to plan and manipulate things or when I don't `react'.

The pattern is an odd one, other than it got worse but I never felt I had time to think or address something that had happened as the next `something' would be upon us, never his fault - he was/is always a victim of circumstances and I was never sympathetic enough, especially if I had tried to talk about something in the past that I felt was unresolved, I wasn't being considerate about what he as going though then. He is doing the exact same thing now - his statements read like he has been a prisoner of war - when I read them it reminds me of the stories he would tell me!
He has yet to explain why in all these years that I have not seen him his life has got worse and worse. For me this is the thing, if I don't look like I am the problem then it may be him and he can't have that. He hated the report from DS's school - DS is doing well, he comes from a good home - he said the school were biased! someone else against him like everyone always has been and always will be.

Fi you make a good point regarding being deluded - I honestly don't know sometimes if he really does believe what he says or if he is just desperate for it to be true as he has nothing to lose.
Recent examples: Does he really believe that DS is clambering to see him and I am lying? does he think the school are lying and DS is really unhappy at home and not doing that well at school? Does he really think DS is going to run into his arms and love him instantly when he is a complete stranger? does he really think the court will give him a bit of paper that says he can see DS when he wants and do whatever he wants with DS and it will be fine and he doesn't have to contribute a penny towards DS ever? and does he really think he is going to show my friends just how horrible I really am and just what a victim he really is and how terrible is has been for him? does he not think they saw and heard things themselves and can have their own opinion? does he really think the court will think he is a very hard working person given that he hasn't worked for years? oh I forgot he has been very unlucky in the job market, everyone is picking on him and not giving him work.
'Im ranting today lol

I really he does believe it!!!!! Better he really does, he has told me again and again what a laid back guy he IS... FACT ... he IS laid back and easy going - nope dope its aka passive aggressive, HE is mistaken, HE is wrong. yes.. he thinks being passive at the time and aggressive later is him being 'easy' and me making him angry. pah! he would be shouting, or sending endless consecutive texts and say, 'I know you think I'm angry right now, but I'm not atall!'

what a headworker fuckwit. yes. exactly better, this: if I don't look like I am the problem then it may be him and he can't have that

cognitive dissonance, one belief would directly conflict with the other so cannot be! = delusion?

rose this sounds harsh but he can have his own version of reality if he wants to - the thing is you don't have to listen to it. I know it is difficult both still being in the same house but you have the right to ask that he does not keep talking to you about anything including the weather. You can say `I am really sorry xxx but I can't talk to you about this or anything any more. We have very different opinions on things and that is why I am leaving as we will both make each other very unhappy. you FW. The fact he feels it necessary to carry it on speaks volumes. He will never get it hun not unless he wants to and it sounds by the fact he can't stop talking about it that he doesn't want to. Repeat what you will not put up with i.e. him talking.. calmly and move to another room if you can. Can you and DD not go out to the park for a bit? He is trying to crash through your boundaries, shout over your fences, drill holes in the middle. When you leave he will probably keep talking to himself about it. It does sound harsh but please try not to say anything in reply - nothing you say will make any difference, ever - what he used to do used to work - he can't understand why it doesn't work now. See about about mine repeating things over and over in a post above - it is exhausting, boring, upsetting and pointless.

Cognitive dissonance - wonderful !!! that is exactly it.
And your FW seems to be someone else who feels it necessary to repeat to fade too.. therefore it must be true can someone get these FW in a room and explain that repeated claims do not = true
Since legal intervention my FW thinks that `demanding' something using the odd polite word or attempting a few words together somehow makes it seem less demanding and entitled - well not to me FW!
He also think that his new technique can be used to kindly let me know how harmful it will be to my DS should he (FW) not get what he wants. thanks for that FW! how f*ing kind of you, harm coming to DS is actually something I do consider especially where you are concerned FW and have done for all the years you have been doing god knows what.

`Ok I am going to stop now' like he is doing you a favour - which he is but FW has to make out like he is entitled to carry on which he is not. Don't let him hurt you any more. I want your FW to see your strength, he will stop then, you will have taken his power away. It will come - I am not there yet - it is the next step for me to take to be fully free - be able to stand face to face, hear it and feel nothing. I win. I will say nothing - there is nothing to say my FW, nothing.

so sorry Rose I don't know why they cannot stop,but they cannot, they do drive to exhaustion and no, it most definitely isn't you !, definitely not you!! Mine followed me from room to room, pushing open doors I shut. He could not bear that I would not hear, its absolutely insanity on their part to think that is in any way acceptable! that going on and on and on.. Better is spot on about the drilling in the middle, going under, over and around.

We get your pain rose we so get it, and we're here for you hun xxx hand-holding. Life will be better when you will spend your Sunday's differently!

I have a teenager sat next to me doing the exact same thing - flicking painfully at all my triggers, and my head is banging, but with persistence it stops! I have the banging head and the physiological reaction as if he were still sat here, but it has stopped and I will recover from it, and a message will seep through I have to hope! over time.

As for him, not even the police can seem to be heard!

you have enough banging you on the head with him around, no need for you to do this.. you lived in hope that it'd get worked through and short-lived, change, evolve.... all of the things that happen in normal relationships where people listen to each other, and what we expect until we hit that wall of realisation and it has to stop!

I think asking your SIL to be a drop off-pick up point once a week at the w/end is an excellent idea! definitely to begin with, when you first move out and see how it goes? just that you need some support with this right now, and the best way of getting that support is asking for it. Most who would want to help often won't know the best way to either?

Rest tonight, knowing it will be over very soon hun xxx

I have done a bit of gaslighting myself - changed my memory of doing something slightly so that it was not my fault. And then, on thinking back, realised I was wrong. FW was the same - but I don't think he ever noticed himself doing it. He also claimed to remember conversations verbatim, and we would have long arguments over the exact phrasing one of us had used.

It all adds up in their heads, I think. FW seems to believe that for nearly the last 20 years he has been looking after the DC because I couldn't, while I looked for work. His submissions to the Judge seem to confirm this - either that or he is a liar. I know what he says is not true, and have a papertrail to prove it, yet a good mutual friend started off admiring him because of his self-sacrifice (I have put her straight, and she believes me; I think there are acquaintances of FW and me who still think FW's account is the right one. In part, I imagine, because he believes it himself.

yes...I think my very own FW really manages to believe the lies he spouts...and that is what makes him so believable. And he sees no problem in contradicting himself...because he doesn't think he does so other people fall into thinking...well he must be right

Rose my FW used to mock my pronunciation of some things too, completely randomly. Like, how I said 'squash' (as in the diluting juice). Or maybe it was because I called it 'squash' and not 'juice'. I am not sure. But either way, he wasn't saying that because I was saying something incorrectly, he was using it to throw me off guard, and to mock and belittle me. No other reason at all.

If you want to never see him again, there is no harm at all in using an intermediary, whether that be SIL or a contact centre. Certainly at first.

Hope you manage to rest this evening.

Rose sorry you had such an awful day
And yy to the point someone made earlier about FWs believing if they repeat something that makes it true
I spent some time with a friend today. She was asking how my leaving plan is going. It's quite interesting because when I first told her about the EA, she was very angry with FW but trying to tread a thin line of being supportive and not telling me to leave until I was ready. Today, she slipped from her balancing act, and was urging me to go. I know she's right, and I also know she's reflecting back what I'm saying and what I believe. I cannot fix or change this relationship. I've been wobbling the last few weeks, but I'm a bit more steady today.

rose the beer was probably a good idea.

Saying 'I don't want to talk about that' is also a good idea. I know it's scary to do - and beer might help with that.

Keeping safe is also v v important. If you find you need to 'discuss' to keep things safe, or agree with him, rather than saying the above, then do so.