Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

rose never feel bad for posting a sad moment. you will pay it back later. for now you need to look after yourself. the it's my life book says that the grief of leaving an abusive rs is worse than leaving a normal one. I agree. the very core of your being has been wounded...but it does heal. but such a deep takes its time.

we are here for you anytime. we have had lots of support so you lean on us while we have our turn to pay it back. and you will make friends on your course I am sure of it.

such a deep wound even.

Rose - this is time to look after you, and we all need to from time to time here. Don't feel guilty for that - after all, nobody is else is doing it :( and you are worth it!!

fab - oh great :) Thanks, that is almost exactly what I said to her after posting here and thinking it through!

Silver - sympathies for being left to tidy up all those years. One of the things I'm looking forward to is being able to have a firmer line on everyone contributing - but at the moment if FW's setting the example of "having more important stuff to do than that", then it's not surprising that the dcs follow.

DD1 just told me that DS emptied a drawer of paper on the floor yesterday. When chided by his friend and asked who would tidy that up, he shrugged and apparently said, "Mum'll do it."

I will be stronger, post-FW!

I had a question to ask...just mulling things over again. knowing the answer won't change things but I was just wondering...

what did you find was the dynamic of your rs? with mine the abuse came in waves. there would be maybe 3 or 4 months of him being depressed self absorbed vile tempered and teeth grindingly tense. the arguments would progress and then eventually there would be an enormous blow out and he would leave for anything from a few days to a couple of months. we could go maybe 4 or 5 months of things being fine
..or at least not bad.
but what I am trying to work out if the blow outs cranked up every time or whether I was just getting more aware and less able to tolerate it because i knew it was a pattern and would happen again.

since i found out that things were violent in previous rs, I am wondering if that was where it was inevitably heading.

so i can say the incidents were definitely episodic and came in waves but I am not sure if the peaks were getting worse.

what did you all find?

charlotte that sounds like a friend you want DS yo keep

Yeah, his dfather is my hero when it comes to being firm with his kids about clearing up!

Got worse as time went on, I think the more locked in I was the worse it got however also life got harder (more DC) and I could cater to him less and less...so he felt less and less important....

rose he is one narc! ask him if he any books on that... and I am sure there are plenty you and the others on here could suggest he adds to his collection. He must be gutted about your course and how well you are going to do in life. It always makes me smile how these people who claim to be so wonderful and brilliant at everything - don't have jobs - and have to sponge money from others to live --in their fantasy world- that will be my ex then.

I have just had a read of the `love fraud' link at the top of this thread - narc or sociopath?... yours is probably narc and mine sociopath.
I think it is really good to see how we were drawn in, it does help with closure. The problem I face is that he is doing that now with the court system but he will give himself away eventually - I just need to give him the time to do it. I want the case to end but only by it keeping on going will everyone see him for what he is. I am starting to get that now.
rose you have nothing to blame yourself for - he portrayed himself to be someone he is not, well that is probably not quite right - he portrayed himself to be someone he thinks he is but he is not or he would have the job, the pot etc. he needs the book/s that are not on his shelf At least you know now and have already done so much to improve your life - you are doing just so, so well. night night - sleep well x

rose found out by reading between lines of something dsd said.

also voodoo insight rose. he likes to make himself important. and at the books. it us not how many you have it us which ones you have read and understood. FW had how to get things done (chronic procrastinator) he still has not read it

The thing about Hitler is that he did not mobilise a nation, his supporters were overwhelmingly young men, who used violence and intimidation to take over and maintain power. Seriously, if you have a man who tries to argue that Hitler was a misguided genius, you only have one option. Run.

And as better says, do not waste a thought on why you believed his version of himself. He was invested in you believing it. And I am guessing there is a reasonable age gap, which he probably exploited.

My practical suggestion is that, come Tuesday, you play hide Mummy's debit card. You are separated. Feed him if you must, but do not give him access to your money.

mink, will come back to you on the dynamic. What you describe sounds like my mother. FW was less obvious, more constant.

Sorry, obvious is the wrong word, nothing is obvious when you are in it. I am going to reflect on your question and come back to it.

mink as far as dynamics were concerned, it was more a daily thing here, but still kept building until it all spilled out all over the place and erupted into a massive blowup/argument. I remember when it all kind of started, and the big blow-ups were less frequent separated by a month or so, then it started getting more regular as we got hit by more and more "bad luck" things (job issues, health issues, and so forth). It reached a point where it was happening at least once a week, then 3-4 times a week. And then we separated.

I do think the blow-ups were getting worse - he was showing less and less respect for me and willing to go further and further being nasty - saying things to me that I know he would never have said when we were in the first few years of our relationship.

I don't think he was "hiding" his nature. I honestly think that he changed quite a bit - depression, mid life crisis, alcohol dependency perhaps all played a part IMO.

Sorry, was just in to check in and saw your question and thought I'd answer as well.

After a number of disastrous visits, H has had two decent visits. I'm pleased he made the effort for the DCs as it made such a difference for them. Fingers crossed he continues to make an effort. How long will it last? God only knows.

voodoo!!! good insight.

recognised your copy of his forum posting! Exactly the same intellectual snobbery as FW here.. unbelievable, and very upsetting that I did want to speak to someone who was intellectually stimulating/challenging... oh bugger!

... did discover early on that he carefully created /designed /constructed his words specifically to intimidate and anger others, but couldn't recognise that, as I invested hope/dream scenario over it, and missed identifying the point (belief) that someone would actually deliberately do that!

.. and supporter of Karl Marx (and devout follower of Tony Blair - the man who wouldn't be seen dead changing a nappy and father of 4, I believe).

the FW went away on a work w/end, and was psycologically profiled to be 'living in an intellectual bubble' where his attitude might come across to others as 'intellectual arrogance'; only he has the right answer! y y y bloody y!

I do remember telling him that 'it was just my opinion ' tbh I think that really was the beginning of the end!! what a wanker... oh and btw, yeah he truly was totally attached to that right hand (we've done that convo tho )

There's a paragraph in 'the dominator' that speaks of the [stress, depression, alchohol] excuses that are offered up for the aggression, nastiness and domination tactics. These things don't cause people to behave in this way. I think we can say the FW create massive levels of all that for us, does't it?

was it John Lennon that called women 'the blacks of the world'? awful indictment of women and black peoples of the world, speaking of the widespread 'sub-strata' beliefs going on, then and now still... just unbelievable isn't it.. grrrrrr

I came out of that relationship thinking wtf has changed in equalities, nothing... It just took me an overly long time to see it for what it was

yes, equality

yyy to equality in all things.. (would go for that again, too... [intelligence] watching for warnings tho, better armed with kitchen utensils )

rose, you have given him the benefit of the doubt and every chance, because you are a kind and decent woman. Please do not give him any more of your life. If you have got this far with him, you will go very far without him. There is enough prejudice in the world without having it in your home life .

Hugs, hugs, hugs to everyone dealing with this cr@p.

mink the cycle of being calm for a while, feeling the tension build and then a blow out is very familiar. I've just read the 'abusive anger' bit of Patricia Evans' book and it was shocking how much I recognised it.

rose I had various hints things had been violent previously - people changing the subject when talking about a previous special occasion. Oh and I spotted he had a criminal record when I accidentally read a letter. In the end I did get in contact with his ex, and was totally shaken afterwards. But it did make me take the situation seriously, I packed an emergency bag, started recording things better, called the police finally. Might be worth contacting his ex? Might help affirm things for you?

Good god rose he sounds like a total tosser! With him being that much up himself, you'd think he'd be mortified to be reliant on you. Completely understandable how you'd be sucked in.