Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

It is definitely worth spending a bit of cash to get rid of a FW even if it is really paying a cocklodger's rent.

silvery i am.pretty sure he us just yanking my chain and being a lazy cantankerous FW and thinking that he if he threatens me I will cave in the end. i don't want to.play chicken with my children, but i know fine well as does he if i.don't feed them he will jolly well have to. so he can piss off with his swooping in taking them.out for a few hours and pretending that makes him a parent. if he decides to see them less he may well find he does not see them at all and he can go to court and explain to them why he only wants them for 3 hours.

the csa will cost him less if he has them.overnight. i have explained that to him. there is no reduction.in cs for the odd lunch.

it is all just piss and nonsense. to try to make it look like he is doing me a favour.

Spot on mink and he hates the fact you have the FULL measure of him now, no matter how hard he tries to hide it.
And don't you forget all those 3 hours {confused] he puts into his parenting! what do DC think - did they hear him ask for pack lunches?

mink, I seriously did consider sending DD to her dad's house with a packed lunch and bottle of water at one point. There was seriously aggro about her having an extra slice of bread. She was staying for dinner, but he stopped that because he could not afford to feed her apparently. Said to me holding a bottle of beer. He has not paid maintenance in nearly five years now. But yes, he too would polish his dad of the year medal. Don't even get me started on FW.
In short, I sympathise.
Otherwise, I am just going to wave and send good wishes.

Posted and ran earlier because DD1 was upset, having accidentally come across a list of FWery I wrote a while back. (She was on the computer trying to find something, without permission.) It was hard to know what to say to make it better, really. It's stuff a 9yo shouldn't read or have to think about. :(

Rose - glad this difficult time has an end in sight. Hope you get through the next few weeks ok.

rose hope you're doing OK, spot on to silvery's comment - things might have to get worse before they get better... Might cost a mint in the short term, but keep your eyes on the end goal. Have you stopped considering taking him with you? Your life will be busy, but fulfilled. Don't feel guilty about using childcare - lots do, and you're showing a wonderful example training up in something you really care about.

I'm sitting with sweaty palms yet again. So near and yet so far. Decree nisi was yesterday, we have verbally agreed finances, and I've had it drawn up into a consent order. He's changed his mind a couple of times about whether or not he would sign it (in amongst general rants and abuse). The final version has now been sent to him - he was in the house doing his washing the other day, has opened the envelope and just left it in the kitchen. I'm now left wondering what he's planning - why wouldn't he at least take it with him to read? I just tried to ring him to see if he wants me to drop it off, or explain anything to him, but no answer.

I don't dare let myself think that this will get signed, it's just too optimistic. He's been like this his whole life, why would I think he'd be a reasonable person now?

It will never all be over - we have a child together. But I could at least change the locks, and be safe in my own home.

Rose, it is about the life you want for yourself, (and dd) and who you want/will want to accompany you in that life. He has done a number on your self-esteem, they all do. Give yourself six months to a year to gather some new evidence of life without him, and then see how you feel.

noregrets, he is messing with your head. Try not to let him. At the moment, you have to assume he will sign it, so act like that. If he needs it explaining, he should consult a lawyer.

Charlotte, oh, not good. Firstly, it is a private list, you can say that, but you are sorry she has read it. Second, I would probably say that your relationship with her dad, and how you have tried to work out how you feel about it, has no bearing on her relationship with her father. If she is like dd, she will have an inkling about how the land lies, but need reassurance about her own place in it all. I would not discuss the contents of the list, really. Focus on her.

charlotte that is a tough one. i think fab is right. also maybe give her space to ask questions / express herself but be prepared to say that is too difficult to talk about if it is.

mink I think my posts were mainly addressing rose - agree yours is utter FW for wanting packed lunches - since my DC were young adults when I filed, thankfully I have not had the nightmare of contact so have no advice to speak of. Except don't!

FW hid his FWittery from DC - and I colluded for some of the time - so they think he contributed equally by doing training, and were happy to follow his example of leaving all the tidying and cleaning for me to do (not that I always did) and ignoring me when I tried to equalise what we did round the house.

oh and better he is up to a full 7 hours now...but the dc are not liking it that much because he cannot really be arsed. that us why overnight would be better. he could do tea, telly, story and then they would be asleep for ages leaving him free to FW around.

yes and no rose yes and no.
it has to come out in order to heal. you will have been keeping half of yourself shoved down and bottled up all this time. have you had counselling?
they should hAve [tissue].although no idea what it would look like.

I agree with mink rose the pain you are feeling is not necessarily a bad thing as hard as it is - thinking about him coming with you is normal as it would take some pain away but it would probably only do that for a little while and then more pain would come.

I agree that just to try it on your own for a while would be a half way house - it isn't a final decision just a chance for you to see how you feel.. Have you anything you can go and do today to take your mind off things? CBT would advise to keep it in perspective and do other things they would say do not let him and what you are going to do dominate your thoughts - that is hard I know. The fact you are so unhappy tells you a lot it is your bodies/mind's way of saying something is wrong.

Rose sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I have had times when I have cried over the silliest things - being in the supermarket used to always set me off for some reason, think it's all the 'normal' family life that's around - and days when I have struggled to function at all. My advice is to not push yourself to do too much today, be kind to yourself and do whatever it takes to make things as easy as possible - easy meals, staying local, etc. And be kind to yourself properly if you can - don't beat yourself up for feeling like this, and do something nice for yourself even if it's just a wee bunch of flowers.

I think we all have days when it gets on top of us. If it's just a day or so then you feel better, I wouldn't worry too much. There's no harm in going to the GP though, and you can talk to them about whether it's just a day thing or if you have been feeling like that for longer.

Rose maybe it is normal to cry, splitting up with a partner is a sad thing to happen, even if your life will be better without him. It's not so much the leaving that's sad, more the grieving about what might have been if only he hadn't been such a FW.

Rose, firstly, you will be emotionally and physically exhausted, and you are dealing with a huge amount of stress, financial and also still living with someone who has abused you, who you wish to leave, but still feel responsible for, as he is not taking responsibility for himself. A huge amount of it is just sheer exhaustion.
Do you have any practical support, by which I mean, friends, family who can provide a bolt hole, even temporarily? So, you can recharge a bit, or they can help you with practical stuff. From a couple of your comments, I am not sure if you do have family about. If not, or they are difficult, then you also have the issue of dealing with the alone-ness of it all.
So, go gently on yourself. You have achieved a lot, everything is in place, I think. Your body is screaming out for a break, and some TLC. Try, as mink and pony have said, to put the big issues out of your head, and look after yourself. Honestly, the question of whether it really is over with your partner will not be solved now, that is just wanting the pain to go. But it is not the end of the relationship causing the pain, it is everything which lead to that point.
Go see your GP, see what they recommend, but also put in place every self-care strategy you can think of, enough sleep, enough to eat, time each day for what you enjoy etc, a slot at the beginning of the day to feel crap, a small, but manageable list of things you need to do, baby steps to feeling better.

It is a good sign rose that you are looking after your own needs, you are a step further away from the sadness. Is there any family that can help you with a bit of money? they may not be around to help physicialy but will want to help - there is no shame asking for a bit of help from them it is only temporary. You have got to the afternoon now, I am sure tomorrow will be a better day. Wish we lived closer.

I love spaghetti
You are not rambling, it's good to think through all the nice things too. Charity shops have some fab sofas in - some people give away some amazing things - British Heart Foundation is a good one if you have one near by?

just read your post Rose

I think its a normal post-abuse reaction mmmm... it is. and it will go away.. sometime hits like a steam-train, some time off, and a break (treating emotional and mental wellbeing the same as physical [flu] )

hand-holding, (((Hugs)))

use as much RL supporrts as you can (phone support via WA/crisis/samaritans - anyone that understands DV - plus doc if you think meds might help, or needed)

take care of you, as you are doing, as all those important bits are vital for your self-nurturing recovery now lovely xxxx

Rose your life is now changing [hugely for the better!] hang on in there ... one foot in front of other xxx

Thinking of you tonight Rose - hope you are ok. You are so nearly out, the last few days you may be dragging yourself along by your fingernails, but you will get there. I know it.