Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

fabulous have you had any counselling at all? I have just finished and saying things that when I started would have seemed very scary, now come easier. I think when you've been with a FW, setting boundaries seems so alien, like you are being really impolite and rigid. In actual fact, it's what everyone else does.
I used to listen to friends saying what they'd said to partners and think "I could never do that!" With my current man ( don't know what to refer to him as yet) I am so direct and brutally honest, but he still wants me the same. It is so refreshing, but is scary at the same time as it is not what I've been used to for the last 9 years.

Charlotte, sorry, I was posting when tired, and I wasn't very clear, I meant his email all about him was besides the point, not your response. I think working out what was what is inevitable, and maybe you are right, it does help heal. So, for the ASD type behaviour for my FW, I accepted that, and still accept that, but not other things, some of which I have detailed, which have no rational explanation and made the relationship impossible to continue.
Well done on completing the FP, too

silver, many thanks. I do make the mistake of having rational conversations with him in my head. I am going to read and reflect on what you have written again. So, in short, What is the point of the interaction, are we straying from the point, if so, stop. Have i conveyed my point? If so, stop. Etc. Will work on this.

silver they are very wise words that I must really listen to. But I guess I know that it would just end in my silence, keeping my silence is what I have chosen to do - there is no point trying to have a conversation that would never achieve anything ever.
Busy tonight and i'm on late but have to go, so a massive wave and lots of kisses to wonderful people who are helping create so much good.

Yay Charlotte! Congratulations!

I was at another (lovely lovely) WA day out again today, the boys had a ball. And I spoke to one of the workers about the Freedom Programme, so am going to contact my support worker again and try and sort it out.

Although while we were there I spotted FW's mum, his sister and his nephew - DS2's gran, auntie and cousin. I just felt myself shrink inside. I battled - the people pleaser me wanted to do the right thing, go over and say hello. The child me wanted to hide. In the end, I concentrated on looking like I was having a lovely time with friends and trying to forget they were there. They probably didn't see me at all. But it was odd seeing them there, like looking in from outside. I have bumped into his sister a few times in town, she always stops to talk to me (but always moves on, no invites to coffee or anything). His mum has been in nominal touch since I left over a year ago. No gifts for DS1 at Christmas or his birthday either. So screw them. But it did rattle me. But a fantastic day. I just luffs WA, can't believe they do this to support their women, it's such a fantastic idea.

better, I think silence is a better option than being drawn into discussing things you don't want to, or re-considering things you have already said no to etc. But I will practice a few conversation-closers.

match, yes, I have had some CBT stuff, which has been helpful in a way, but I feel like boundaries are quite a new concept to me. Am working on it. The other thing is what seems/feels normal. I told a friend one of the bits of fuckwittery, and she looked at me like I had two heads. Whereas, to me, that was the way it was.

charlotte congratulations on your graduation...and on sticking it out.

if anyone fancies a righteous rant about victim blaming on this thread honestly when women hold attitudes like those on this thread, what hope is there? tbf the enlightened attitudes are from the minority of posters but they aren't half going on about it. andtgen practically gas lighting and pretending they never posted it or they did not mean it

fox I am the same with boundaries but feel I have better boundaries in my head just need to keep them when under pressure and keep calm when keeping them. Find it very difficult when face with bare face lies said to me very calmly too. The last time I managed to remain clam and respond back I got a fist coming towards me. Says it all really.
Well done Charlotte - I am going to check that link now mink

Congratulations Charlotte Well done you!

Really interested about those WA play sessions Curtis, would love to know if they do them in my area. Sadly lacking in any friends here that aren't FW's friends .

Match great to hear you have a new manfriend and that it's going well .

I've invited a friend with a DD born the same day as mine over for a playdate tomorrow despite evidence pointing to both neighbours on either side having big parties all weekend which makes me nervous to have guests. FW will be 'studying' so I've told him if he's not going to participate he's to stay upstairs

i got slightly sucked in and Handover today.
fw says once he is paying csa as i am claiming i have them 7 nights (I do!!!) I will have to give them packed lunches on the days he has them because he is not paying twice. what a cock.

what a cock indeed! [anger]

or to put it another way: Tosser!

rose I imagine you were unaware when you chose to have a child with him, that he was like this. I certainly thought mine was OK when we began TTC.

Looking back, I can see he was like that even then. But nowhere near as bad as he became in the 25-plus years since. The things I did notice, I thought were a result of our circumstances, and would change as our life improved. In this I was wrong, as it turned out.

mink he is a total w*nker.... I joke but it is not funny at all, that if my FW had contact with DS he would ask me to send him to his with a packed lunch - they have no idea what `responsibility' is - I know it is not funny but please if he asks again, laugh and walk away. My FW would ask that and that I provide everything DS already has to him during contact - I really wish someone would point out to him now that that will never happen and never be court ordered. I would also like them to point out many other things that he will have in his head that will never happen no matter what contact is ordered.
rose my DS was a nice surprise so not a choice but so wonderful. I block out as much as I can the pain I have had from exp to have wonderful DS - I try and not associate the two.

rose eventually mine had the gall to say that he had given up a f/t business to look after the DC, as I couldnt!!!!!!! I was the one who had to sign on as he had left voluntarily/was pushed. DC were 5 and 3 at the time he stopped. He spent 10 years at least unrepentantly playing Civilisation, when I thought he was trying to find ways to support his family.

In 2006 I worked p/t, kids were 18 and 16, he did not a scrap of housework but made a big deal that he did the cooking. We were filling the financial gap by living on capital left over from the sale of our previous house, plus some benefits. That year he did not work a single day, earn a single penny, say a nice word, nada.

But we couldn't afford to split up - noone had enough money to move out. But anyway that's immaterial, as I was still trying to improve my depression by improving my marriage, the futility of which did not start to sink in properly till I discovered MN.

Luckily I had enough money by then for it to be doable. But still no-one had enough money to move out till settlement done. If FW had worked he could have left - maybe if he had worked things would be different - but as it is I am so happy my life has turned out how it has in the last year.

Anniversary of divorce: Feb 17th. And of him finally going: Aug 13th.

rose why are you paying for two houses? the finances can really stick in your throat but it will be temporary for long term happiness. Got a quote today for the next hearing in writing which probably cost me £25 for them to send to me wanted to throw it out of the window. He will never be able to dupe you again but he will always be miserable. Keep strong rose you are doing everything right, it's hard but you are coping.
I have just ordered far too much pizza if anyone wants some they gave me some free things honest

er yes rose, why are you paying for the costs of 2 houses? I presume he gets Council Tax Benefit? I am sure there is good reason, as things get all tangled up where cocklodgers are concerned, and it may be worth it in the long run if it gets things disentangled quicker...

And Housing Benefit??

mink - maybe he should just have them between meals, if lunch is such a problem? Idiot that he is.

nini hope the playdate goes well!

Dig deep rose sometimes it has to get a little bit worse before it gets better. All his problems will be all his after that, keep looking to your future.

It makes such a difference if there is at least a definite date to plan towards. That was one of the stresses after the settlement - FW could not buy a house till that was done and dusted. (Nor could we have sold ours before then, if that had been what we settled on.)