Friend ripped off for 35K by guy on Match.com- I need to talk her round HELP!

[Friendinneed13]

Hi All,

Am regular (ish) poster but name changed on this occasion!

A single friend who I met through work is a regular on match.com, she is in her mid forties, attractive, smart and has a great job with an excellent salary.

She met a guy on match.com approx 4-5 months ago, they had been speaking for around two weeks when they decided to meet up- on that night that had sex and spent the whole weekend together which she refers to as 'special'....

The following week at work she told me all about her weekend and that continued to tell me that he had financial problems with his business and she had invested/ lent him £10,000- she said he didn?t want to take it and she had to convince him to!!

I was so angry with her and told her so- which she didn?t like- I told her he was ripping her off etc. etc. and she promised not to give him any more money.

But??.In the last few months she has given him a further £25,000, his business folded and now he is going from one disaster to another, loan sharks, bailiffs, can?t pay rent; no food etc. which I think is all bullshit by the way.

He has told her so many lies, many of which he admits to when found out- for example he said he was getting a loan to pay her back but when she showed me the email- I did some digging and found that it was a fake email address etc. - when she confronted him he admitted it, but said he only did it because loan sharks where after him and he needed her to lend him more money etc.

She also seems in denial that he has a gambling problem- soon after meeting they went to Monte Carlo for the weekend and he spent most of the time in the casino alone gambling and losing large sums of money ? yet she continues to help him although they are not in a relationship and never really were.

I need help to convince her of what I KNOW is the truth a) He is a conman who constantly lies to her to procure money b) He is a gambler and that?s where her money is going. Every month she says that she will not give him any more money, but this month alone he has already had £1500 from her, her savings has been totally wiped out by this wanker and when payday comes around he piles on the pressure to ?borrow? more money, always promising to pay it back from some deal or property sale etc?

The problem is that although I think she is now coming around to the idea that he has ripped her off, she feels that he has some good in him and if she doesn?t help him stay afloat she will see none of her money back- she borrowed £1500 from me last month to pay her mortgage as she had given all her money to him- which she did pay me back, but her financial situation is dire at the moment because of him.
My friend likes to think she is a canny business woman, and a good judge of character then why can?t she see this guy for what he is a liar and a thief? I don?t want to lose her friendship and I care for her very much, but I?ve spent nearly two hours on the phone with her tonight as she has lent him the £1500 and now he is not answering her calls/text- which is something he has done before- she doesn?t even know where he is living now.

How do I convince her to go to the police and to STOP GIVING HIM MONEY??? HELP!

As I thought, not a Police matter. He didn't come up with a scam or fake investment, he was in financial trouble and she willingly gave him the money then threw good after bad.

You cannot help a person in debt by giving them money. That is rule number one as they never ever learn anything that way.

I know someone who was £40k in debt, his mother remortgaged and bailed him out and then he ran up another £40k and went bankrupt anyway.

People like that never learn their lesson. Your friend hasn't either as she should have taken responsibilty for her debts and paid them off rather than amass all that money.

You cannot help her or him. They both have problems.

Agree sky.

I think that perhaps the only thing you can do now is say, repeatedly if necessary, ad infinitum "You wont get your money back. "You wont get your money back".

You didnt say what you are going to do at the end of this month. Give money to her?

"She has spoken to an old friend who is ex police and he told her its unlikely they would take any action, she gave the money freely, he didn't threaten, they is no loan agreeement, he asked for her help, she gave it."

She spoke to an ex policeman? Really? For someone who has been screamed by her mother and best friend not to give him any more money and who has routinely failed to take any notice whatsoever, exactly how likely is it that, quite off her own bat, she went and sought advice from an ex-copper.... advice which handily turned out to be 'don't tell the police'?

I don't believe this... I think you're being fobbed off and deterred from reporting it. It's deception, fraud & he's a predatory con-man targeting vulnerable women out of their savings. Match.com should be alerted, and the police should be informed.

What an absolute mess. If this is true (and lots of it doesn't add up, so I for one suspend judgement there) then it looks unfortunately like you are going to be asked for a lot of cash soon by this friend of yours, which you will never see again.

I am unsure why you are getting so involved, anyway. She's an ex-colleague and a bit of a pal, right? Not a lifelong friend who's been close to you through thick and thin? I wouldn't take this sort of hassle on without a bloody good friendship behind it. Stop enjoying the drama, let her get on with it!

Hi All,

I honestly dont enjoy the drama- but ive allowed myself to be dragged into it unfortunately!!

She is a currently colleague, and a friend but ive only know her for six months, she doesnt have many friends in the UK as many are aboard in Europe.....

I know she is lonely- again she thinks she is canny enough to get him to give her the money back.... she proves this by saying ' he stays in contact he must want to do the right thing' ive said ' no its that he wants to fleece more money from you'........... she wont listen.

Im going to have a serious chat with her over the weekend and explain to her exactly what i think and that i know she will never see this money again........ and that she needs to go to the police........

You havent said [I dint think] if you are prepared to give her more money yourself.

Good luck. Sounds like she needs to drum up some anger from somewhere. She certainly deserves better than him!

the woman sounds thick - show her this thread

" and that she needs to go to the police........"

'... and that you need to go to the police or I will'

Lots of normally sensible and intelligent people get scammed. It is not fair to call the 'victims' thick. I know it looks really bad written down but we don't know the dynamics of the relationship between the 'boyfriend' and the OPs friend. She is in an abusive relationship. Noone, I hope, would call someone who was 'staying' in a relationship and getting physically abused 'thick'

Are you sure he exists, and your friend is being scammed? Because maybe she is the scammer and you are the scammee. She's paid back the money you lent her last time (asked for at the last minute, hard to refuse in a crisis...) but she may not pay back any future amounts you lend. Worth thinking about.

Oh, the plot sickens eldritch. Are you a crime writer. Should be. I would never have seen that coming!

I am thinking along the same lines as Eldridge.

yes but come on who gives someone 10k after one weekend together? and is sticking around so they can get it back?

I dunno, a slightly autistic programmer with a poor understanding of relationships, perhaps?

Although I am one of those who wondered whether OP is being scammed, I don't think the story is impossible. My mum joined Match after she was widowed, and met quite a few chancers who were clearly looking to con her for money. She was naive and vulnerable, and did lose some money though nothing too drastic. One in particular, though, was very confident and moved as fast as this - luckily, she talked to us before 'investing' in him, but he was slick.

Things you may be able to help your friend realise:

This IS a con. That is fraud. You/ she can go to the police.

She won't see it because she will feel stupid and embarrassed and ashamed and the brain looks to prove itself right. You may have success in talking to her about how clever he has been in manipulating her to stop her feeling some of this. Deep down she already knows but...

The initial lump sums were the scam.

Now she is in a 'recovery scam' - a second phase which preys on the insecurity of those who realise they've been scammed and offers them a way out. In this case a small additional investment to keep him on his feet leaves open the possibility of recovering the larger debt.

This won't happen because there won't be a business, or loan sharks etc. that's a line which has worked (and continues to do so). There may or may not be a gambling problem, he may have just spent it. Either way without intervention it's definitely gone. With intervention, asset seizure might see some recovered. There is nothing to be lost by going to the police and its the only way something might be gained.

Don't enable her further by bridging the gap. Say you can't afford to lend her more - it's good to see others practicing this message.

Try to be concerned and supportive and don't make her feel stupid. She will do that enough herself. She is being abused, and many of the emotional responses that keep people going back to DV are the same. This may help you consider how to handle her.

Garlic- Where was the guy who tried to rip your mum off based? Not in Rugby or Shrewsbury?

I've had a long chat with my friend this afternoon, I've told her there is no property, no money coming to her it is all lies, she has been conned.

She said that she knows he is a liar, but she thought because she had helped him he wouldn't let her down.

She is very down at the moment because he won't even speak to her now on the phone, so she feels as though she has lost all control (not that she had any)- he has completely cleaned her out and she has a big tax bill to pay in september.

She also owes money to two friends who helped her finish her property when the bank wouldnt give her anymore and her cc were maxed- 10k to one and 50k to another! It seems she is absolutely rubbish with money!

I've told her I won't be loaning her anymore money as I can't trust she won't give it to him (she didn't ask) and I wouldn't, I was brought up to be very careful with my money, I'm a saver not a spender!

I've told her that he must be reported both to the police and to match, she says she will do this, but doesnnt feel stromg enough at the moment- I've told her if she doesn't by the end of the week- I will.

Your circle lend each other enormous sums of money. I'm astounded

Her friends do! I don't- I was brought up to know the value of money- I'm tight! :) I save! My dad would turn in his grave if I spent money the way she does!

Although I earn more than her, I don't spend much on clothes etc, holidays and nights out are my weakness!

The amounts of money are huge I agree! Yes I earn very good money for what I do- but I know it might not always be that way- make hay and all that!

God, I'm so relieved you've had this conversation, and she's now facing the truth. She must be feeling like shit. I really hope she stays in touch with real life - you're a good friend :)

My Mum's scammer was in Shrewsbury and it was a tale about unfinished property! Unlikely to be the same bloke, though, he'd be around 70 now. Perhaps it's his father - family business??!

Your friend is in a big mess in so many ways.

She may just scrape by, one way or another while she continues to earn these huge sums.
But when she isnt, she will be in messes she wont be able to get out of.
Sadly, I dont see her learning anything much, either financially or emotionally, anytime soon.

citizens advice bureau may be able to help her sort things out financially?

Garlic- really? That's spooky, the stories this guy has come up with are a joke, business struggling, business folding, baliffs, loan sharks, court summons, selling cars, selling flats, money in offshore bank accounts, no money for rent, car, food etc, setting up new business etc
Did your mum actually meet him? Or just see a pic?

My friend has even let him stay in her house for the weekend- which I didn't know about- he used her paypal to set up direct debits ( she gave him the login) she's paid for his car monthly payments - he's got a merc but apparently no money for food- the list goes on :(

Half of this I only found out today- the mind boggles, she is really down, anxious, can't sleep and feels stupid and embarrassed- I'm really worried about her :(

She has transferred over 35K to him and she has only known him since March and must have only seen him under ten times- - I just can't understand how someone who can be so strong and capable and in control at work could have been taken in like this.

Oh no, she gave him the run of her house? He could have all sorts of information that he can use to pay himself money from her accounts ... the ones that still have any credit or access to credit, anyway. Giving him her Paypal might turn out to be a good thing, as she can see he abused it! She has changed her login ...?

Yes, Mum met the slick bloke, spent the weekend with him; all very similar. She was due to go with him to visit the house that needed finishing, but called it off. He had other properties waiting to be sold (of course) and drove a nice car, etc. Glad she's a bit more suspicious than your pal.

Yam, I agree-at work she is so in control and strong super confident- boarding on boarish- you'd never believe that she could be fooled like this.

She gets very upset if you point out that she was foolish - she simply says she wanted to invest in his 'business'- then why no contract?

What really annoys me is that we have been talking about these problems for a least two months all the time she is telling me she is not giving him any more money and she is- even though she knows he is a liar and doesn't pay it back !?! I really don't get it :(

This last week has been hell at work with her, she is snapping at everyone really touchy etc, our programme manager has taken her aside, I'm worried if she carries on she will get booted of the contract with no notice..... :(

Yet she is telling me this morning that she has been taalking to another guy who she met on match and wants to meet up with him! What a mess! :(

£3,500 a meeting? He'd better be a good shag.