Friend ripped off for 35K by guy on Match.com- I need to talk her round HELP!

[Friendinneed13]

Hi All,

Am regular (ish) poster but name changed on this occasion!

A single friend who I met through work is a regular on match.com, she is in her mid forties, attractive, smart and has a great job with an excellent salary.

She met a guy on match.com approx 4-5 months ago, they had been speaking for around two weeks when they decided to meet up- on that night that had sex and spent the whole weekend together which she refers to as 'special'....

The following week at work she told me all about her weekend and that continued to tell me that he had financial problems with his business and she had invested/ lent him £10,000- she said he didn?t want to take it and she had to convince him to!!

I was so angry with her and told her so- which she didn?t like- I told her he was ripping her off etc. etc. and she promised not to give him any more money.

But??.In the last few months she has given him a further £25,000, his business folded and now he is going from one disaster to another, loan sharks, bailiffs, can?t pay rent; no food etc. which I think is all bullshit by the way.

He has told her so many lies, many of which he admits to when found out- for example he said he was getting a loan to pay her back but when she showed me the email- I did some digging and found that it was a fake email address etc. - when she confronted him he admitted it, but said he only did it because loan sharks where after him and he needed her to lend him more money etc.

She also seems in denial that he has a gambling problem- soon after meeting they went to Monte Carlo for the weekend and he spent most of the time in the casino alone gambling and losing large sums of money ? yet she continues to help him although they are not in a relationship and never really were.

I need help to convince her of what I KNOW is the truth a) He is a conman who constantly lies to her to procure money b) He is a gambler and that?s where her money is going. Every month she says that she will not give him any more money, but this month alone he has already had £1500 from her, her savings has been totally wiped out by this wanker and when payday comes around he piles on the pressure to ?borrow? more money, always promising to pay it back from some deal or property sale etc?

The problem is that although I think she is now coming around to the idea that he has ripped her off, she feels that he has some good in him and if she doesn?t help him stay afloat she will see none of her money back- she borrowed £1500 from me last month to pay her mortgage as she had given all her money to him- which she did pay me back, but her financial situation is dire at the moment because of him.
My friend likes to think she is a canny business woman, and a good judge of character then why can?t she see this guy for what he is a liar and a thief? I don?t want to lose her friendship and I care for her very much, but I?ve spent nearly two hours on the phone with her tonight as she has lent him the £1500 and now he is not answering her calls/text- which is something he has done before- she doesn?t even know where he is living now.

How do I convince her to go to the police and to STOP GIVING HIM MONEY??? HELP!

[BreadNameBread]

ShoutyCrackers. I think con artists can and do verbally abuse their victims. Not that I am an expert in these things but I have read victims accounts that , when written down, just seem ridiculous.

I agree that the OP should make sure that her friend really is being conned.

[littlemisssarcastic]

OP, How does she give him the money? Does she withdraw cash and put it in his grabby little hands? Does she transfer funds via bank? Does she write him cheques?

[Friendinneed13]

Hi All,

Just to answer a few of your questions..

1. She has mismanaged money in the past and got stung in the property crash, she bought a property to develop, then the bank wouldn't lend anymore against it to complete the required work, so she placed approx 30K all on credit cards which she struggled to repay. She entered the debt management plan a couple of years ago for that reason.
   

1. We both work in software development on contracts, when she started this contract she had hardly any savings, she earns approx 8.5k a month before tax, that is how she has amassed the 35K + in a short period of time ie over the last six months.
   

1. I lent her the 1500 on a monday, she repayed me the following monday after we were paid on Friday, she just didn't have enough in her account to cover her mortgage, that's the only time I have lent her any money.

[Friendinneed13]

Basically this money was the oppotunity for her to get on her feet againn instead she has given it ALL to him

[Earthworms]

Sounds like she is unlucky and shit with money.

If you help her out of this crisis she will promptly lurch toward another one.

Be a friend. But dont get involved. You will be in for a world of hurt.

[yamsareyammy]

But you are not going to do anything are you.

[yamsareyammy]

You are going to let her go down the plughole.

I dont normally come across harsh on my posts - look me up, but on this occasion I feel you need a push rather than a gentle nudge or shove.

[yamsareyammy]

If you wont do something, tell someone who will.

[garlicsmutty]

OK, so while she's on this contract she's a useful cash cow for Bob - unless he's found another sucker with savings or a fat credit line. Has he been back in touch since stomping away at the weekend?

Do you have any of his personal details? If doing detective work yourself feels too time-consuming or sordid, how about giving it to a PI? This absolutely can't be the first time he's done it and it IS fraud.

[yamsareyammy]

She wont go to the police, but neither wil you!

[Friendinneed13]

I'm not letting her go down the plughole she has done that to herself. Her mum has told her to stop giving him money, she has begged her, screamed and shouted.

I as her friend have listened to her hour after hour, debating whether to give him more, I have said to her she is being stupid, being conned but she simply won't listen.

The issue is she got carried away in the moment the first weekend lent him 10k and has been chasing that inital amount since- she is trying to get herself out of this situation by putting good money after bad, but she won't listen, when I tell her it must stop.

I've suggested a PI, I've even offered for us to follow him in my car, if that will at last open her eyes, I've said we can seek legal advice and I will go to the police with her but I get the response- just let me see if I can talk him round, in some way I think she is enjoying the drama.

She has spoken to an old friend who is ex police and he told her its unlikely they would take any action, she gave the money freely, he didn't threaten, they is no loan agreeement, he asked for her help, she gave it.

This is a really shit situation because she has not fully accepted yet that she will not get this money back and when it does it will hit her hard.

He has been back in touch, a few texts etc, but then again its pay day in a couple of weeks...... He has been quite nasty to her, not answering calls etc which is helpimg the realistaion I think.

[SavoyCabbage]

I agree with Jessica, that you may have to sacrifice the friendship in order to save her from herself. She might not thank you, but it's the right thing to do as you care about her.

[yamsareyammy]

She may well be enjoying the drama.

Perhaps you could ask her the question
"if you dont get any of the money back, will you still be glad that you met him"

It is possible that for her, the answer may be yes.

[Friendinneed13]

She said she wishes she had never met him, but Im not so sure...........

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

So, "Friend", what are YOU going to do to put a stop to this? Or are you going to just carry on as before?

[aturtlenamedmack]

Firstly op, I'm sorry for your friend, what a horrible bastard.
If it were my friend I think I would do the following.
Have an extremely frank talk with her, explain that it is very very unlikely that she will get her money back, and that the more money she gives him, the less likely it will be. Keeping him sweet is not the way to get it back, she will only end up losing more.
I think that maybe she is embarrassed and feeling stupid and weak for being taken in. The only way for her to take her power back is to confront the matter head on, if she sees him again then she could try to get as much info as possible about him and then go to the police, or you go on her behalf.
All sorts of women are taken in by men like this, they are cunning and prey on any crack or vulnerability that they can. Try to reassure her that it isn't her fault.
Definitely involve the police, even if you can't do anything else, she may be angry in the short term but in the long term she will thank you for it.

[aturtlenamedmack]

He is relying on her not taking action against him before it's too late. He will try to get as much out of her as possible then he won't be seen for dust. Police involvement now before he realises that she is becoming suspicious.

[garlicsmutty]

He is a predator. Perhaps using that word could empower her?

[Pigsmummy]

I would suggest that she talks to the police, if nothing else they might be able to say that they "are aware" or not of this individual, as if he is doing this now he might have a history of doing it?

The other thing to try is if your friend is hell bent on lending more money then get her to get him to sign a contract to pay it back. A simple contract that says that he will pay it back without scary terms, if he is considering it a loan and will return the money along with the £35K. She isn't a licensed lender so it won't be worth a lot but gageing his reaction to it will be interesting and some small part of the loan can be claimed back the small claims court.

[scrazy]

She cannot have been in debt and have this money to give to this guy. I don't understand that bit, or how anyone with an ounce of intelligence would continue lending money so she could get the bulk of the other money back.

I don't think you can help her tbh.

[scrazy]

Sorry, just read properly.

Wow 8.5k per month is very good money indeed. They always say don't lend what you cannot afford to lose.

I would suggest what other people have that she gets him to sign a loan agreement.

[garlicsmutty]

Scrazy, I wondered about that but OP has explained. She entered into payment plans and then her income increased dramatically. Although she should have rescheduled her plans to account of improved circumstances, a lot of people don't. The debts get cleared eventually, at £30 a month or whatever was negotiated.

[garlicsmutty]

xpost!

[yamsareyammy]

What is going to happen in 2 weeks if when he asks her for money again, and if when she asks you?

[Friendinneed13]

Hi All,

I think it is finally stinking in that she is not going to get her money back but she has now gone into denial....

She is stressed and snappy at the moment as he has cut all contact with her except for abusive texts and very short calls in which she cannot engage him into any coversation......

He knows the money is running out and so is losing interest although he has done that before..... but is back again when she is paid at the end of the month!!

He is now feeding her some line about selling a property, and then paying her back from that, which is further bullshit, he has some similar before selling cars, assets etc.....

What then happens is that he says that he needs money to 'keep him going' till then...... and she gives it and then the money doesnt come through from him........ and the circle continues..........!